Too consider sacking my au pair

[autumnleaf1]

I have had a nice au pair since January, who gets on well with the children. When she first came here, she wanted to go away with us when we went away at weekends, but abruptly one time, she decided that she'd prefer to stay home when we went away, and has done ever since.

We went away without her this weekend and when we got home we noticed that someone had been sick in the family toilet (which she doesn't normally use) and hadn't cleaned it properly. We didn't say anything to her as we weren't sure what to say.

This morning I took the recycling out and found a carrier bag full of bottles in the recycling bin. She doesn't really seem to understand the recycling system here, so I assumed she thought carrier bags could be recycled along with other recycling. I picked up the bag and tipped out the bottles, only to find it was actually her rubbish bin, which contained loads of beer bottles as well as condoms. She has never drank when in the house with us.

When she came downstairs I asked her what had happened and why she had had a man in my house while we were away. If she wants to invite people over, then I think it's polite to ask first, or at the very least, inform me. What she does in her own time is up to her, but what she does in my house is up to me. Her response didn't make sense and she insisted that he did not come in the house. She said that everything they did, happened elsewhere, but she decided to take the rubbish back with her, which is why it is in my bin. She said that there was sick in the toilet because she had been sick after she got back. This has it's led me to wonder how many times she has done this when we have been away. I don't want random people that we don't know (and she barely knows) in my house for a weekend (she said she met him in a WhatsApp group).

I don't know where to go from here, we go visiting people maybe one weekend a month, but now I don't feel comfortable leaving her in my house, but equally I can't insist that she comes with us. Sacking her seems quite extreme because she is good with the kids, but I don't trust her alone in my house any more.

I would sack her because she has lied, I cant stand liars.

Not a single other mum on this feed has raised the au pair's relationship with the children. Some mums have sex and boke in toilets and are great mums. Why is no-one bothered about how the children will feel if the mum sacks the au pair for having fun when the kids aren't around?

She is a nice au pair, as I have already said. The children will miss her, but they have lots of nice adults in their lives and they've only known her for 4 months. She doesn't have sole care of the children as I work from home. The issue is not that I doubt her abilities as an au pair, the issue I raised was that I don't trust her in my house when I go away (as I said in the last paragraph of my original post).

As an ex au pair, this is not on. Relationship or not, you don't bring people to the house without clearing it first. I had one family who would let my partner stay over, no problem - they had met him several times, spent time with us socialising outside etc & saw he was good with my charge. Another family didn't like people being in the house when they were away.

End of the day you still live in someone else's house, you have to respect that. The being sick & not cleaning up...but remembering to clean out a car? Bollocks. She's lying to you.

durgha

So you'd be happy with a complete stranger being in your house without your knowledge or permission would you?

Doubt it.

OP, if your au pair is an adult, can't you discuss with her boundaries for your property? She should be allowed to have visitors, no? Even overnight? If you allow her to act like an adult, she might behave like one. Don't lose a good au pair because you're uncomfortable about allowing her a private life. (If you can address this with common sense, both of you will be better off, which I wish for both of you, and your children x)

Hmm. If you pay her for weekends, she should be going with you. If you don't, the issue is whether you have specified whether she can bring home guests. I really wouldn't get into the extent of drinking or whether or where they had sex; she is an adult, you employ her, and there are lines. Yes, it is your house, but you need to be clear about how you do and don't want it used before someone comes to live with you.

She sounds very young. Occasional binge drinking and boyfriends isn't shocking at that age. She did clean the toilet after being sick, although I assume there were traces of sick. Posters are being dramatic to say "vomit all over the toilet".

She messed up, got far too drunk. Show me a young adult that hasn't done that.

Have you ever actually set out any House Rules with her? You say it is your house and your feelings about strangers visiting when you're not there but have you laid down clear boundaries and discussed what is and isn't acceptable?

If she has a good relationship with the children and you then I think she deserves a stern warning and then clear expectations discussed.

Can she invite a friend/boyfriend over if you're away? I think that could be permissible if she clears it with you beforehand? What about if you ask to meet the boyfriend first and stipulate that they only use her room and the communal areas, leave the house clean and no more than one guest at a time?

It's likely she lied through fear that she would be sacked.
You need to insist on honesty and respect for your home going forwards. I think a warning is enough and stressing that any other major issues will result in her contract being terminated.

If you can't trust her then that's that.

Nanny, I have adult children. They drag allsorts back to mine. I accept that, but insist they clean up their own toilet sick.
TBH. I also dragged randoms back to my mum's one New Year. We all had a great time. A glass got broken though.

Shes a young woman. This is normal behaviour for a young person left alone in a house. No crime was committed.

This is fairly normal behaviour for a teenager no?
I’d give her a warning and say you don’t want other people in your home without prior permission. Tell her she will need to go home if it happens again.
I think getting rid of her for behaving like a teenager while you we’re away is harsh. Good au pairs are actually hard to come by! If she’s good in every other way I’d give her a chance

I agree with durgha discuss boundaries, allow her to behave like an adult and expect her to behave like one and both address this with common sense
Wise words.

I think people have been overly condemnatory- if you specified no-one in the house and none of these shenanigans, fair enough, but if you didn't and just expected her to know, then I think making this very very clear from this time-point onwards is the way to go if she's good with the children.

I know on MN lying is actually worse than murder, but if you confront an adult with their condoms/beer bottles when they were off-duty and the children weren't around, in an indignant fashion, you are pushing them to lie. It must have been exceptionally humiliating for her.

No truly terrible thing has occurred, I would just have had a friendly word about the state of the loo/sick and make it clear you don't want anyone over when you are away except by prior arrangement, and tell her where to put the rubbish.

If she is good in every other way, I'd rather have these worries than other issues of not doing daily tasks/childcare problems.

There is also a lot of moral outrage on this thread which I'm not sure what it's about- she was left alone and had sex, this is not surely that unusual in a late-teen/early twenties adult, is it?

Slacken your stays, OP. Have a proper chat with your au pair about who can stay and when. If she's reasonable with being allowed a bit of autonomy, then you've notched one up for the sisterhood, and saved yourself a lot of pain looking for a new au pair. She made a mistake, but you set her up for it. Both learn.

The being sick & not cleaning up...but remembering to clean out a car? Bollocks. She's lying to you.

That's a good point.

For the other questions raised by other people.
She is 20.
We are not in Malaysia, we are in the UK.
She didn't offer to clean up the sick. It was only in the toilet bowl. I think she (or someone) had been sick and flushed it, but there was still enough left in there that when we came home, it was noticeable.
I don't know why she doesn't shag in BF'd digs, I don't know anything about him.
There is no au pair agency, we used one of the many au pair sites where you find your own.
She doesn't work weekends.
She has never mentioned a boyfriend before, but she is quite a private person.

To those asking if I set boundaries beforehand, that's a very good question and no I didn't. I naively assumed that she would ask permission first. Maybe she thought it was ok and then panicked and lied when I brought it up. I have said in the past that she can have friends over to watch films or whatever and I've also said her family are welcome to stay when they visit. She has never taken me up on these things, and no-one has ever been to the house while I have been there, so there has never been the occasion to discuss whether friends/ boyfriends can stay over because they have never even visited, to my knowledge.

DId you tell her explicitly when she first arrived that if she had guests she had to inform/ask you first? I know that probably sounds obvious, but I found with my Au-Pairs I had to spell out my house rules as I am conscious that what is acceptable/unacceptable in my home is different to others.

That said, I would find this a breach of trust. I would only give her a second chance if she was fabulous with my dc - otherwise I would get rid. Easier said than done - but at least you won't be on high alert wondering what else she is prepared to lie to you about and who else she is prepared to sneak into your home.

Ah well, my children didn't bring randoms back to my house (and they survived) so I wouldn't be accepting it in the OP's position.

Especially as the au-pair isn't her daughter and she maybe doesn't know her well enough to trust her judgement in this kind of situation.

Right, then, in that case, you need to give her another chance. She doesn't work weekends so your home is her home at those times. Treat this like you would if it were your daughter: a firm word, expectations made clear. The End.

If she's does her job well when she's working and the children like her then you should keep her. What's in the rubbish bin shouldn't concern you. The sick is gross and I'd speak to her about this. If you wish to sack her I think you need to give verbal and written warnings before you can ask her to leave. She's young and just learning about adult responsibilities.
If she's nice you have something to build on.

Have to say i never took randoms back to my folks' house, even when i had it to myself! Wouldn't have dreamt of doing it.

For me the clear lying is the issue. If it hasn't been spelled out to her about guests, realistically having someone over isn't a biggie...so why feel the need to lie?

Nanny, maybe I got your randoms!(and I survived). I trusted my children enough to let the randoms in, but as I've admitted, a glass did get broken once . I wouldn't be letting my children be looked after by live-in people I was too embarrassed to discuss with night-time arrangements of the rumpy pumpy kind, though. (Daughter or not)

For those suggesting surveillance and nanny cam (never heard of the latter before), is this something you've actually done? It seems strange to put cameras up in my house, and wouldn't they be obvious to her anyway? I only really need one outside, if at all, to see who she is bringing into my house. There could have been a party for all I know. That might explain why my bed has started creaking, maybe it got more action than it's used to It might also explain why there was sick in the family toilet. She has no reason to be on that floor, except to get to her room. The ground floor has a toilet, her room in the attic is en suite and the middle floor is our bedrooms and the bathroom. Unless she was so unwell she had to be sick after each flight of stairs!

kitchen, I think that's useful advice for the OP. Her au pair seems young and a bit inexperienced, which is usual with young people.

Give her a final warning
Or sack

Fucks sake why is having sex with condoms seedy though ? I would do the same in her position

I would do stern word and final chance - she is a teenager recently let’s face it ?

Oh,OP, you had me till you wanted a nannycam to spy on your nanny's visitors. Most mums want them to spy on what the nannies do with their children. Well played.(Still, hardly a commentator on your thread bothered about the children's relationship with the nanny in this story. I find that quite telling about mumsnet)