Too consider sacking my au pair

[autumnleaf1]

I have had a nice au pair since January, who gets on well with the children. When she first came here, she wanted to go away with us when we went away at weekends, but abruptly one time, she decided that she'd prefer to stay home when we went away, and has done ever since.

We went away without her this weekend and when we got home we noticed that someone had been sick in the family toilet (which she doesn't normally use) and hadn't cleaned it properly. We didn't say anything to her as we weren't sure what to say.

This morning I took the recycling out and found a carrier bag full of bottles in the recycling bin. She doesn't really seem to understand the recycling system here, so I assumed she thought carrier bags could be recycled along with other recycling. I picked up the bag and tipped out the bottles, only to find it was actually her rubbish bin, which contained loads of beer bottles as well as condoms. She has never drank when in the house with us.

When she came downstairs I asked her what had happened and why she had had a man in my house while we were away. If she wants to invite people over, then I think it's polite to ask first, or at the very least, inform me. What she does in her own time is up to her, but what she does in my house is up to me. Her response didn't make sense and she insisted that he did not come in the house. She said that everything they did, happened elsewhere, but she decided to take the rubbish back with her, which is why it is in my bin. She said that there was sick in the toilet because she had been sick after she got back. This has it's led me to wonder how many times she has done this when we have been away. I don't want random people that we don't know (and she barely knows) in my house for a weekend (she said she met him in a WhatsApp group).

I don't know where to go from here, we go visiting people maybe one weekend a month, but now I don't feel comfortable leaving her in my house, but equally I can't insist that she comes with us. Sacking her seems quite extreme because she is good with the kids, but I don't trust her alone in my house any more.

I would be happy for her to have guests in the house IF I knew about it. But if she's bringing complete strangers back, that's a whole other issue. Your home is your personal space, and she's not respecting that.

Lack of judgement and lying....and in sole charge of your children. Just no.

Of course she is lying.

So she needs to go.

And no, you don't have to get some sort of proof - basically, the trust is gone, that's the essence of it. You cannot trust her.

How do you all know its 'a random' rather than a relationship?

TBH , the irony in this forum astounds me. What happened to your feminist empowerment of shagging anything with a pulse because you have needs too? Anyway, irrelevant.

What leaps out at me is the OPs persona of acting like the au pairs mother rather than her adult equal. I'd say its bit degrading to have someone go through your rubbish bag, picking through your soiled condoms, then asking for a blow by blow account of the man.

Surely it would have been in the original terms of employment whether the au pair was to be treated as member of the household (and thus as an adult with a fully functioning sex life) or whether she was merely an employee who has to ask permission to have friends?

She lied, so you can not trust her anymore.

I am sorry but I wouldn't insist she comes with you every weekend, as you may not want her with you all of the time. So unless she comes with you she has to make alternative arrangements to stay elsewhere or you will need to replace her.

If it were me, I would be getting a replacement, because I would be worried about what else she is lying to me about, and it will slowly erode the arrangement and the goodwill on both sides.

Id set up a secret camera and go away for the weekend. Soon know the truth then

btw the issue isn't her having sex with men, the issue is that she did not talk to you first about this, and then continued to lie about it afterwards. I think some are conflating the issues here.

She didn't discuss it with you first, and then lied, that is the central problem.

The sex and sick are side issues.

I wouldn't sack her. All this demonstrates is that she had a man round and they drank and had sex. The lieing is bad but she probabky panicked at the thought of loaing her job. I think you should give her one last chance but say no visitors at all when you are away, she must keep the house clean and she can expect to lose her job if she lies. Then install surveillance . To be honest even if you replace her I would install surveillance anyway

I really think you know the correct answer yourself. Yes you do! Best of luck anyway.

As well as the lying - did she offer to clean the bathroom when you mentioned the sick? You don’t vomit in someone’s bathroom and then not offer to do a deep clean when that’s mentioned.

I see no issue with her having friends/men back when you’re not there. I think the lack of cleaning the loo needs raising.

Really? You'd be happy to have total strangers in your home while you weren't there? Even if they were guys she's picked up online? I'm not a pearl-grabber at all, but I would have an issue with this, if only from a security POV. Most insurance companies won't pay out if someone who has been invited into your home by someone who has a key robs you or damages something valuable.

IF she was your housekeeper, I would give her one more chance, but she is looking after your children. So the trust between you is imperative.

I can't see how you can feel about comfortable with her anymore.

I’d be sacking her definitely

What leaps out at me is the OPs persona of acting like the au pairs mother rather than her adult equal. I'd say its bit degrading to have someone go through your rubbish bag, picking through your soiled condoms, then asking for a blow by blow account of the man

No; she’s acting like the au pair’s employer

She’s let this young lady into her house and she’s not respecting their wishes and leaving the place in a shitty state.

It would really damage my trust. If you’re my au pair and you stay in my home you party and shag elsewhere.

End of.

stealth

Yeah I think it is coupled with secrecy and vomit all over the toilet

Why does au pair not shag etc in BF digs?

Personally, I would let her go, it’s a huge breach of trust. I expect there is more to this story. I would imagine au pair had a small party and someone was sick in the family bathroom without her knowing, as surely she would have cleaned up otherwise? Have your neighbours noticed anything going on when your away?

I'm with you, Jaques. I'd be concerned that she might be a bit at risk when home alone, so would make sure she knew she could phone me if needed. Ha, ha to the fuckwits upthread that believe she has entered "Handmaiden's Tale" because she is an au pair. (...Would grump about bokey toilet though).

Sack her. Get rid. Short term hassle, long term gain. I was walked all over by my first au pair, because I fell over myself to be nice and make her welcome. She (and her boyfriend, and the friends that came in his wake) totally took the piss. Best decision I made. This one is totally taking the piss and she's lying to you. She'll have people in the house again, she's got no boundaries and if you give an inch, she'll think you've got none either. Did you get her from an agency? Ring them first thing tomorrow, tell them you're giving her the two weeks notice required and you need another. They should replace her with no charge as the arrangment has broken down within a few months.

How do you all know its 'a random' rather than a relationship?

I don't know it's a random, she said she met him on a WhatsApp group, beyond that, I know nothing, which is why I'm not comfortable with the idea of him being in my house.

What leaps out at me is the OPs persona of acting like the au pairs mother rather than her adult equal. I'd say its bit degrading to have someone go through your rubbish bag, picking through your soiled condoms, then asking for a blow by blow account of the man.

I don't go through her rubbish bags, which is why I'm now not sure if it's happened before, I don't even go in her room. I have no way of knowing what happens when I'm not in. I tipped what I thought was a bag of bottles into the recycling bin. It was in the recycling bin, it was a bag of bottles, carrier bags can't be recycled. I didn't know until I'd started tipping it that there was other rubbish in the bag.

I didn't ask for a blow by blow account. I asked why she brought a man back to my house, she said she didn't they were in his car. I don't need to ask if they had sex, I already have the evidence for that.

Surely it would have been in the original terms of employment whether the au pair was to be treated as member of the household (and thus as an adult with a fully functioning sex life) or whether she was merely an employee who has to ask permission to have friends?

That's ludicrous. I didn't say she had to ask permission to have friends. I wouldn't want anyone inviting people I don't know to my house when I'm not there. It's my home, I want to know who is in it. Also, if you want to be a drunk adult with a sex life, do it somewhere else, I get to decide what happens in my house. And as others have said. She didn't discuss it with me first, and then lied.

Not a single other mum on this feed has raised the au pair's relationship with the children. Some mums have sex and boke in toilets and are great mums. Why is no-one bothered about how the children will feel if the mum sacks the au pair for having fun when the kids aren't around?

She is bringing complete strangers into your home!

As far as she is concerned she knows them.

The big issues are the not asking before hand and the lying afterwards.

What age is your au pair, OP, are you in loco parentis?

She is bringing complete strangers into your home!

As far as she is concerned she knows them.

She met him on whatsapp. She doesn’t know him. She cannot be trusted if she’s ready to party and shag with some random in ops house. If she wants to do that, she does it at his house / hotel etc.

Get rid! Breach of trust. Plus she’ll have notice and you’ll have no trouble finding someone else. It is sad though. She should have just been honest in the first place. No one needs permission to have sex, but it’s your home and she should’ve asked if you index her inviting someone round.