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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Too consider sacking my au pair

162 replies

autumnleaf1 · 02/05/2018 18:17

I have had a nice au pair since January, who gets on well with the children. When she first came here, she wanted to go away with us when we went away at weekends, but abruptly one time, she decided that she'd prefer to stay home when we went away, and has done ever since.

We went away without her this weekend and when we got home we noticed that someone had been sick in the family toilet (which she doesn't normally use) and hadn't cleaned it properly. We didn't say anything to her as we weren't sure what to say.

This morning I took the recycling out and found a carrier bag full of bottles in the recycling bin. She doesn't really seem to understand the recycling system here, so I assumed she thought carrier bags could be recycled along with other recycling. I picked up the bag and tipped out the bottles, only to find it was actually her rubbish bin, which contained loads of beer bottles as well as condoms. She has never drank when in the house with us.

When she came downstairs I asked her what had happened and why she had had a man in my house while we were away. If she wants to invite people over, then I think it's polite to ask first, or at the very least, inform me. What she does in her own time is up to her, but what she does in my house is up to me. Her response didn't make sense and she insisted that he did not come in the house. She said that everything they did, happened elsewhere, but she decided to take the rubbish back with her, which is why it is in my bin. She said that there was sick in the toilet because she had been sick after she got back. This has it's led me to wonder how many times she has done this when we have been away. I don't want random people that we don't know (and she barely knows) in my house for a weekend (she said she met him in a WhatsApp group).

I don't know where to go from here, we go visiting people maybe one weekend a month, but now I don't feel comfortable leaving her in my house, but equally I can't insist that she comes with us. Sacking her seems quite extreme because she is good with the kids, but I don't trust her alone in my house any more.

OP posts:

FASH84 · 02/05/2018 22:01

If you think her general work is good, have a chat about expectations when away. She had probably lied because she's scared she'll get fired. You can set conditions eg if this seems to be her boyfriend you are happy for him to come over when you are away with the children, but expect there to be no mess left behind eg the toilet. It's her place of work but it's her home too, she shouldn't feel she is expected to conduct an adult relationship in a car (whether she has or not she clearly thinks this would be preferable to you). Give her another chance but if similar happens again she's out.

IamAporcupine · 02/05/2018 22:04

OP, does she have a single or a double bed in her room?

If she has a single bed, then I do not think she had a party or lots of people around, simply that she and her man used your bed/toilet for the weekend.

esk1mo · 02/05/2018 22:10

maybe next time say to her that a friend/family member is popping by when you are away, but you arent sure when.

maybe even ask family/friend/neighbour to pop by randomly.

i know it isnt a great way to build trust, but it might make you feel better

blueshoes · 02/05/2018 22:14

One of my houserules, which is written down and put in an aupair folder when they arrive to read on the first day, is that there we do not allow men friends to stay over. I do not want another man in the house with my children potentially in the same house ever. Female friends or relatives stay over only with my permission and after they have been introduced. My house my rules.

An aupair stays in someone's house as a easy springboard to visit a country. The tradeoff is they have to live by the family's rules. Sure, a young adult will want to party and drink. Well, they have to do it outside the family's house or take a waitressing job and rent a room, rather than stay with another family.

I dislike aupairs who lie and have asked them to leave once the trust is broken. Usually there are other problems as well. I find my children don't really care about aupairs. The aupairs come and go.

OP, it is worth giving her another chance if she is a good aupair. But if she brings strange men in the house again without your permission, and behind your back, there's your answer.

Cornishclio · 02/05/2018 22:14

You do know if she gets pregnant you will have to pay her SMP and she still gets use of room etc while on maternity leave don't you? There is another thread on here about this happening to someone. So you lose childcare plus have the au pair plus baby living in your home. Something to consider if you use au pairs/ live in nannies.

Original poster

autumnleaf1 · 02/05/2018 22:29

She has a double bed. Maybe what happened was she didn't want her boyfriend hearing her be sick, so she went to our bathroom to do it rather than the en suite. As ilostitintheearlynineties said, a party with 12 beers would be a bit crap!

Blueshoes, you've made some very good points

Cornishclio, are you sure about that? They don't get a wage as such, just pocket money and they aren't an employee, just someone on a cultural exchange. I'll have a look for the thread

OP posts:

KarmaStar · 02/05/2018 22:32

Sounds like she had a bit of a party?she seems devious and untrustworthy and with that I'd have to dismiss her.

Cornishclio · 02/05/2018 22:35

If they don't receive a wage as such then maybe it doesn't apply. I think it depends on how much you pay them, whether you pay tax etc. On the other thread the live in nanny was getting £20 a day. That apparently is enough to make her eligible for maternity leave/pay etc

stourton · 02/05/2018 22:36

I see no evidence of a party with 12 beers. Was the house dirty with evidence of a party op?

Have there been previous evidence of her having guests over before ?

Seems to me she was just quite drunk this weekend, the boyfriend cleaned up his car and handed her the thrash to get rid of, she was too drunk to dispose of it correctly and on her way to her room she got sick at the nearest toilet and was too drunk to clean it up appropriately.

You just jumped to all sorts of conclusions when you saw these two things, and at the back of your mind you always wondered what she was up to when you go away for the weekends and she stays behind.

Would not hold up in court, unless you are drip feeding , more info.

MsGameandWatching · 02/05/2018 22:37

Tell her she has to go away with you at weekends.

OP doesn't actually own her au pair you know

I'm not sure really, if she has otherwise been great I might just make the rules very clear and then give another chance. It's a few beers and a shag at the end of the day and I think many young people would take advantage of an empty house. I don't think it makes her an awful person who needs to be sacked and written off.

stourton · 02/05/2018 22:39

Bottom line, just let the poor girl have a social life and just let her know your rules of no guests.

You said it yourself she does a good job with the kids.

Charlie97 · 02/05/2018 22:42

What do you suggest, that all au pairs take a vow of celibacy? In any case her and her partner are using protection.

TuTru · 02/05/2018 22:49

Pmsl at wannabecitygirl

Echobelly · 02/05/2018 22:50

I'm surprised an au pair host family have to pay SMP - that might apply for a nanny who you employ, but the whole point is an au pair has a specific status whereby they're not an employee and what you give them is pocket money, not salary. I'd be most surprised if suddenly an AP has to be treated as an employee once pregnant. Unless it's some odd side-effect of pregnancy rights legislation, but again, that's to apply to employees, and APs don't have that status.

Anyway, this au pair was using condoms so clearly isn't intending to get up the duff!

pollypebble · 02/05/2018 23:01

A young woman is left alone in a nice house, has BF over, drink sex. Seriously this is a problem? Of course she should have cleaned the bathroom but if you are going to hire young women on a basic wage WTF do you expect to happen????

Skittlesandbeer · 02/05/2018 23:04

I’d tell her now that you did have a camera in the house. Watch her face change colour.

The lying would tip the balance for me.

pollypebble · 02/05/2018 23:07

Skittle you would enjoy that humiliation? Have you been young? have you ever worked in a basic wage job?

blueshoes · 02/05/2018 23:44

Aupairs are different from nannies. Aupairs are not generally considered workers or employees.

See this link from the Government: www.gov.uk/au-pairs-employment-law/au-pairs

Hence they do not have rights of maternity leave.

Jamiefraserskilt · 03/05/2018 01:00

Last chance saloon. Trust has been broken but if she does as you have asked then maybe this was a blip.
You have made it clear to her now wait and see....and have a lock fitted to your bedroom door so you can secure it when you go away.

CalF123 · 03/05/2018 01:14

I really don't see the issue tbh. You weren't in the house, your children weren't in the house, so the idea of a 'strange man' being present is irrelevant.

Although the au pair is living in your house, that doesn't mean you get to dictate what she does in her own time and with who.

CalF123 · 03/05/2018 01:17

Also, the 'nanny cam' idea is absolutely bonkers, and would actually be illegal unless you told her about it.

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/05/2018 04:43

CalF
Not seeing the issue seems to be a recurrent problem with you. Perhaps you’d be ok with a stranger, who the au pair doesn’t know potentially damaging the house, stealing or using and abusing property but I wouldn’t. Then there’s the issues of loss of trust invasion of privacy. A lot of us with nice houses and valuables, who value our privacy wouldn’t be ok with any of this.

mustbemad17 · 03/05/2018 04:54

If she got pregnant she would not be entitled to SMP - been there, done that 🙈

Dondie · 03/05/2018 08:29

I’d ask her about it again and say this is her only chance to be honest about the situation. Tell her that if you feel she isn’t honest you will be parting ways. If she comes completely clean you can start to rebuild the trust but if she is still obviously lying then let her go. I think trust is too important in this situation, you feel totally at ease with her and if she’s not honest you can’t.

blueshoes · 03/05/2018 09:33

An aupair herself is a 'stranger' until the family gets to know her. You trust her judgment as to who she brings into the house. Theoretically, she could steal your things, let in criminals, hurt the children, but you interviewed her, she's lived with you and you know her and trust her to that extent. Same with cleaners.

The aupair could meet some random man in a club and bring him home when the family is out. She could get raped, killed. The man might take the opportunity when she is out/not looking to do any of the above.

We live in London and generally more clued up and streetwise. Don't know about aupairs whether they are used to living in a big city. I give them the personal safety talk but it is still up to them. I don't know if they can spot someone who has bad intentions especially with alcohol in the mix.

I don't want to trust my aupair's judgment on men she has only just met. Hence, no men in the house. It does not matter whether or not the family is in.

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