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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Too consider sacking my au pair

162 replies

autumnleaf1 · 02/05/2018 18:17

I have had a nice au pair since January, who gets on well with the children. When she first came here, she wanted to go away with us when we went away at weekends, but abruptly one time, she decided that she'd prefer to stay home when we went away, and has done ever since.

We went away without her this weekend and when we got home we noticed that someone had been sick in the family toilet (which she doesn't normally use) and hadn't cleaned it properly. We didn't say anything to her as we weren't sure what to say.

This morning I took the recycling out and found a carrier bag full of bottles in the recycling bin. She doesn't really seem to understand the recycling system here, so I assumed she thought carrier bags could be recycled along with other recycling. I picked up the bag and tipped out the bottles, only to find it was actually her rubbish bin, which contained loads of beer bottles as well as condoms. She has never drank when in the house with us.

When she came downstairs I asked her what had happened and why she had had a man in my house while we were away. If she wants to invite people over, then I think it's polite to ask first, or at the very least, inform me. What she does in her own time is up to her, but what she does in my house is up to me. Her response didn't make sense and she insisted that he did not come in the house. She said that everything they did, happened elsewhere, but she decided to take the rubbish back with her, which is why it is in my bin. She said that there was sick in the toilet because she had been sick after she got back. This has it's led me to wonder how many times she has done this when we have been away. I don't want random people that we don't know (and she barely knows) in my house for a weekend (she said she met him in a WhatsApp group).

I don't know where to go from here, we go visiting people maybe one weekend a month, but now I don't feel comfortable leaving her in my house, but equally I can't insist that she comes with us. Sacking her seems quite extreme because she is good with the kids, but I don't trust her alone in my house any more.

OP posts:
AtSea1979 · 02/05/2018 21:01

I don’t see the issue. Lying isn’t great but there’s no way i’m telling my boss what I got up to last weekend either.
Rather than question about bottles and puke. Why don’t you ask her if she’d like her boyfriend to visit more then you can get to know him then when you are away again you’ll know whether you trust him in your house or not. If she declines to invite him over then you can assume they aren’t serious and would prefer he didn’t stay over and request she joins you on your weekend away.

Fruitcorner123 · 02/05/2018 21:02

OP that's new information about the toilet being on a different floor and not the one she normally uses. Yes she coukd have had a party. She may just have had a few people over. I doubt they would have been as stupid as to leave one bag of bottles in the normal bin if they have disposed of the rest somewhere else and you only found 12 bottles.

Surveillance could be installed just in communal areas but you are right just watching the front door will be enough to know if she has visitors. (Unless they could climb in through her window) yes some people do in stlll nanny cam if they suspect the nanny is doing something she/he shouldn't with the children or stealing or whatever.

As I said earlier I would give her one more chance with clear expectations simply because her actions are not anything that might have affected your children, you are pleased with her otherwise and they like her and you may end up struggling to find replacement you are as happy with.

Jamhandprints · 02/05/2018 21:06

Does she normally get weekends off? She should be allowed some freedom, shouldn't she? Yours is her only home at the moment and it's not like she did it when she was working or your children were in the house.
I guess she is quite young, so I think you need to make your rules clear to her in writing; (no alcohol, no visitors, no sex, no using the family bathroom, no internet dating, etc). She may decide she doesn't want to live in such conditions anyway. But if you have already made these rules clear then fair enough to let her go.

Original poster
autumnleaf1 · 02/05/2018 21:14

Most mums want them to spy on what the nannies do with their children. Well played.(Still, hardly a commentator on your thread bothered about the children's relationship with the nanny in this story. I find that quite telling about mumsnet)

I think most commentators didn't ask about the children's relationship with the au pair because they read my posts properly. I have already said that they like her and I have no issues with how she is with the children. I said if she leaves they will miss her, but they have lots of positive adults in their lives. I have also said that the au pair doesn't do sole care of the children, so why would I need a camera indoors when I am there anyway?

OP posts:
durgha · 02/05/2018 21:16

How many women on this thread would have denied themselves a private life, which might have unfortunately included by mistake a slightly pukey bog? Would you accept au pair wages to spend weekends when the children you were caring for weren't there, but you had to Mary Poppins all weekend? (Actually I like to believe that Mary popped the chimney sweep)

Echobelly · 02/05/2018 21:19

I think in your position, given there aren't other problems, I would give a warning - say to her you were not happy that someone was there without your permission and in future she must ask, as you are not happy leaving her in the house if she's going to bring people home and not tell you. But tell her it's OK if she asks permission in future (and makes sure she cleans up properly!)

mustbemad17 · 02/05/2018 21:20

Durgha i did that job for four years. Never once occured to me not to ask about guests...but then i always asked about guests at home too!!! To me it's just respectful when you live in someone else's house. And I was being paid a hell of a lot less than many au pairs for longer hours!!!

juneau · 02/05/2018 21:20

No one is telling the OP to deny her au pair a private life! But for her to invite people into the house to stay over without running it by her employer, whose home she lives in AND IS RESPONSIBLE FOR WHEN SHE'S THERE ALONE AND HER EMPLOYER IS AWAY is not on. And if she or her friends or the guy she's seeing vomited in the family bathroom then she should have cleaned it up. As for the OP's bed now creaking, when it didn't before, and enough beer bottles in the rubbish for several people to have been in her home, I think we can all put two and two together and figure out what happened.

Original poster
autumnleaf1 · 02/05/2018 21:20

Good point, Fruitcorner, it would have been a pretty small party with only 12 bottles of beer! It's unlikely that they would have disposed of them in different places.

Jamhandprints, she has every weekend off. She works Mon-Fri. Yes I should be clearer on the rules.

OP posts:
durgha · 02/05/2018 21:21

OP. most commentators, if they read the posts properly, would be concerned that you are more concerned about your au pairs private life than her abilities as an au pair.

Original poster
autumnleaf1 · 02/05/2018 21:31

Durgha, I think you're just trying to be antagonistic. No one is denied a private life and no one is asked to be Mary Poppins on her days off.
I worked for less than I am paying her when I took my gap year abroad. I got to live in another country for free and learn another language. It's very common and a pretty good deal for both sides.I enjoyed it as a teenager and I enjoy the other side of it now I am in my 30s.

Thank you to the other posters, your comments have been very useful.

OP posts:
DailyMailFail101 · 02/05/2018 21:34

You have told her your unhappy about the situation, make your expectations clear and start afresh, everybody makes mistakes and deserves a second chance.

esk1mo · 02/05/2018 21:34

it isnt like you go away every weekend though. nothing was broken, stolen or ruined. she wasnt in charge of children. she was off work in her home.

i think really that you only have an issue with her having sex in your house. if you arent comfortable with it, then tell her
not to have people over. but you never clarified that before.

Original poster
autumnleaf1 · 02/05/2018 21:36

Durgha, I don't know how else I can paraphrase this for you. She is a good au pair. There are no concerns about her abilities with the children. I am in the house with her. She does not work alone. It is not her private life that interests me, but her inviting unknown people in my house when I am away.

OP posts:
durgha · 02/05/2018 21:39

OP, I'm not trying to be antagonistic. I offered a couple of approaches that might allow for you and the au pair to reach a comfortable compromise. You said that she was good with your children and that you had general oversight as you work from home. I suggest that you talk it over with her.

Original poster
autumnleaf1 · 02/05/2018 21:40

esk1mo, you are right and I have now clarified that I don't want people over when I am away unless she talks to me about it first. I will reiterate it when we next go away. I would still like to know for sure and not just trust that she won't do it again. It would be a shame to lose a good au pair, but equally I don't want to be on edge every time I go away.

OP posts:
PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 02/05/2018 21:42

Yeah, to be twee this is a “learning experience” for you both.

House rules have to be set out at the point the au pair is engaged else it leaves you with a shaky platform; but she has taken the piss.

Second chance and WRITE the house rules to her, on an email or whatever and give it another six weeks? Then review.

As for nannycam, fuck off. That’s a true invasion of privacy.

Treacletoots · 02/05/2018 21:42

I don't think you can really be annoyed at someone for doing something when you've never made it clear what you do and don't expect of them.

Obviously this incident has brought to life a few questions for you as to what you are comfortable with and not.

Realistically she hasnt done anything illegal, or that everyone here has also done if they're honest. The indignation that she has, gasp, lied is really unrealistic. She was probably scared to admit the truth so give her a break!

As you say, she's great with the kids, so think about what you're happy with, set and agree behaviour you're both happy with and see how you get on. If she does keep to these standards then it's not unreasonable to let her go, but as it stands it would be.

Missingstreetlife · 02/05/2018 21:46

I thought au pair supposed to be treated like family, not employee?
Obviously not on bringing stranger to your home

Original poster
autumnleaf1 · 02/05/2018 21:47

PaulHollywoodsSexGut, the nannycam would be for outside to see who came in my house, it's not uncommon to have outside cameras. I'm not suggesting I want to film inside the house (I don't want all my parenting mistakes to be on camera!). I will do as you and several others have suggested and give her a second chance with the rules clear. But I definitely want to know who is in my house when I am away.

OP posts:
PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 02/05/2018 21:49

Oh god, I thought it was like cat cam where you watch your kitties gambol in your living room whilst you’re at work or something.

Do excuse me Blush

boywiththebrokensmile2 · 02/05/2018 21:51

''Seriously?? Because she had - gasp - a gentleman caller?!

I see no issue with her having friends/men back when you’re not there. I think the lack of cleaning the loo needs raising.

If you’re otherwise happy with her I wouldn’t sack her over this.''

eugh by the sounds of it, it was a party that went on and yes the lying would be an issue here. I would have no probs if she was taking a man over and found an empty bottle of wine and she was honest about it, but this seems like she is having groups of strangers over and I would not feel comfortable with that in my house.

boywiththebrokensmile2 · 02/05/2018 21:53

''As for nannycam, fuck off. That’s a true invasion of privacy.''

and taking strangers into a person's house without their consent isn't??

DougFargo · 02/05/2018 21:55

No; she’s acting like the au pair’s employer She’s let this young lady into her house

Au pairs isn't a real employee, employer situation and she hasn't let her into her home, shes invited her and gains from it.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 02/05/2018 22:00

A party with 12 beers sounds shit. Even if you only invited 4 people that would be 3 beers each.

I agree with PaulHollywoodsSexGut (a sentence that I'd never thought I'd type Grin) this has been a massive learning curve for both of you. As her employer you have every right to demand she respects your home and your rules but they need to be made crystal clear to her.

It's likely your au pair is feeling absolutely mortified and knows full well that she messed up. This is a chance to start afresh with firm boundaries. I hope you can resolve this together.