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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Too consider sacking my au pair

162 replies

autumnleaf1 · 02/05/2018 18:17

I have had a nice au pair since January, who gets on well with the children. When she first came here, she wanted to go away with us when we went away at weekends, but abruptly one time, she decided that she'd prefer to stay home when we went away, and has done ever since.

We went away without her this weekend and when we got home we noticed that someone had been sick in the family toilet (which she doesn't normally use) and hadn't cleaned it properly. We didn't say anything to her as we weren't sure what to say.

This morning I took the recycling out and found a carrier bag full of bottles in the recycling bin. She doesn't really seem to understand the recycling system here, so I assumed she thought carrier bags could be recycled along with other recycling. I picked up the bag and tipped out the bottles, only to find it was actually her rubbish bin, which contained loads of beer bottles as well as condoms. She has never drank when in the house with us.

When she came downstairs I asked her what had happened and why she had had a man in my house while we were away. If she wants to invite people over, then I think it's polite to ask first, or at the very least, inform me. What she does in her own time is up to her, but what she does in my house is up to me. Her response didn't make sense and she insisted that he did not come in the house. She said that everything they did, happened elsewhere, but she decided to take the rubbish back with her, which is why it is in my bin. She said that there was sick in the toilet because she had been sick after she got back. This has it's led me to wonder how many times she has done this when we have been away. I don't want random people that we don't know (and she barely knows) in my house for a weekend (she said she met him in a WhatsApp group).

I don't know where to go from here, we go visiting people maybe one weekend a month, but now I don't feel comfortable leaving her in my house, but equally I can't insist that she comes with us. Sacking her seems quite extreme because she is good with the kids, but I don't trust her alone in my house any more.

OP posts:
DougFargo · 03/05/2018 09:45

You do know if she gets pregnant you will have to pay her SMP and she still gets use of room etc while on maternity leave don't you? There is another thread on here about this happening to someone. So you lose childcare plus have the au pair plus baby living in your home. Something to consider if you use au pairs/ live in nannies.

not even slightly true.

hibbledibble · 03/05/2018 09:51

Op a few things to raise.

You absolutely do make to make house rules clear before your au pair moves in. This includes the ones you think are common sense. I have learnt this through experience.

It's not easy to get an au pair anymore, I also know this through experience.

LexieLulu · 03/05/2018 10:52

We have a motion detected camera, which will notify my phone so I can click on to my app and see what's moving.

We used it in our children's room for a bit as a baby monitor.

Now we have it in our kids playroom and I will watch them whilst I'm doing dishes etc.

I would get a set of these and put them in your bedroom, bathroom and maybe in the hall looking at the door?

RoseWhiteTips · 03/05/2018 10:54

To be...

RoseWhiteTips · 03/05/2018 10:55

Or even to consider...

SweetFanniAdams · 03/05/2018 17:29

I don’t get the whole Au Pair thing at all. Essentially they are not qualified professionals and therefore you perhaps need to manage your expectations better.
Either that, pay the money and employ a Professional nanny.
I read on here too many times people bitching about cheap labour. If you want a professional service - pay for it!

Sparkerparker · 03/05/2018 17:40

Yes, actually they are 🤣🤣

Sarahrellyboo1987 · 03/05/2018 17:57

Why don’t you just be reasonable. Say to her that she is welcome to have friends here but you’d like to meet them first as it is your home.
The fact she’s drinking alcohol when she’s not responsible for the children and not on duty seems irrelevant tbh.
I’d say I’m happy to have friends round but I mustn meet them first to be happy with them in my house

Elendon · 03/05/2018 17:57

If your husband/partner did this would you leave him?

Or would you sit down and have a discussion with him about boundaries and lack of trust and is it possible to start afresh?

Elendon · 03/05/2018 17:59

Would you snoop on your husband like this Lexie or be happy to be snooped on like that?

Mombie87 · 03/05/2018 18:03

I would get rid!
Her story isn't overly believable.
Maybe get a contract drawn up detailing these sort of things if you haven't already.
I don't even know if it's legal but maybe cctv at the front door or something so you could check who came to your house rather than what they were doing in your house.
There's a lot of trust involved with her job and for me she would breached that.
She's allowed a life yes, but she could have went to his house or a B&B or at least consulted you first before bringing someone into your home. I would never allow a stranger in my home unless I was there. There is alot of private items in a home.

PorkyPortia · 03/05/2018 18:27

I think you are being sensible to remind her again before you go away
she is a young girl and probably didn't know she was crossing the line as she hadn't been told

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/05/2018 18:33

@SweetFanniAdams
A respectable host family will treat their au pairs like part of the family -and should be considered quasi grown up children. Yes, their Labour is cheaper than that of a nanny but an au pair shouldn’t be expected to work full time hours, 30 max. This is a mutually beneficial relationship whereupon the au pair gets to spend time learning English both inside the home and in local language lessons, is given food and board in exchange for looking after the child(ren) part time, babysitting and Light household duties. Not the same as a nanny.

Petrify · 03/05/2018 18:54

Pay her to the end of the week smile sweetly and tell her to get lost x

lily2403 · 03/05/2018 18:55

Surely she is allowed a life and if she lives with you where else is she supposed to go...is your home considered a home to her?
Condoms to me sounds responsible...bit weird you going through her rubbish (can’t believe someone would put condoms in recycle).
By all means set boundaries but maybe she needs time off to socialise and found that the weekends you away a good opportunity

DougFargo · 03/05/2018 18:55

Thats not how au pairs work.

MissP103 · 03/05/2018 18:57

Its one thing putting it down to her not knowing boundaries, its a major issue for her to be lying. The fact it didnt even cross her mind to ask you if its ok having people over says alot. Yanbu to give her notice and let her go.

LindsayCartersCakeys · 03/05/2018 19:07

maybe she was out in a park or on the beach and thats why she brought the rubbish back? we have parks and a beach local to us and its quite popular there the bins fill up easily or can be a long walk away so sometimes its easier to bring the rubbish home and pop it in our bin?? i don't understand why so many people think thats ludacris lol! on the other matter yes i'd be p*ed but i'd give her a warning keep an eye on things and see what happens?? maybe the warning will be enough to make sure she doesn't do it without atleast asking first? ...

Icanttakemuchmore · 03/05/2018 19:11

We had au-pairs from 1994 until 2012, and I've sacked a few for one reason or another. I've also had some excellent ones. But I wouldn't like an au-pair lying to me or not asking permission to have a visitor whilst I was away. Put up cameras outside so you know if anyone visits the house whilst you're away? By putting them up outside you're not intruding on her privacy inside but you will know if and when they arrive and who and how long they stayed.

Lulu777 · 03/05/2018 20:33

Wow there's some serious levels of entitlement and associated unpleasantness on this thread.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 03/05/2018 21:04

It’s way harsh
She puked and shagged

Big fucking deal ! Gently remind of the house rules and onwards I say

Jedimum1 · 03/05/2018 21:25

I'm going to go against the grain here and say that I "could" believe she brought the rubbish home. I'm Spanish (albeit from a much older generation!) and my group of friends were all very "eco-conscious". We would bring back the rubbish from a picnic, the beach, the park bench and the car. Not an issue or a second thought, you would just use the carrier bag to dump your rubbish as you go, so we didn't have to "tidy up" afterwards, it was already all there. She could have been brought up in a similar environment. Maybe the boyfriend's car was his parents' and they decided to drop the stuff at yours instead of taking it to his? He might have slept it over at yours, but still had sex somewhere else. I wouldn't crossed out as an absolute lie because I know many who would have taken the rubbish home in those circumstances. Not saying it's surely the truth, but I wouldn't swear by it

2ManyChoices · 03/05/2018 22:27

I genuinely know, first hand, of someone who's Au Pair was 'supplementing her income' on the 3 weekends a month my friends were away with their kids, and had been doing so for the whole 3 years she had been with them. They escorted her off the premises, after having cctv installed covertly and gathering proof over a month, and while packing her room found a suitcase FULL of hard cash, turns out she was one of many girls this one bloke was 'importing' as live in childcare and then 'running' horrendous.

Takemetovegas · 04/05/2018 05:32

Oh my! She's 20 and had sex and a party (not a party... 1 friend) and nothing bad happened AFTER waiting for you to be away.

I'm pretty sure she'll clean up better next time.

You could do much worse.

BaddumTsss · 04/05/2018 08:16

"It's likely your au pair is feeling absolutely mortified and knows full well that she messed up. This is a chance to start afresh with firm boundaries."

This.

You set no boundaries or rules at the beginning of her employment, so I think you need to take some accountability for that. She's 20. She's likely to take advantage of an empty house when you go away, for a bit of fun, if you don't specify otherwise. What 20 year old wouldn't?!

Yes the lying wasn't good, but I think it was just a panic lie as it's only just been brought to her attention that you're not happy with her doing this.

Personally, I think she deserves another chance if she's otherwise great with the kids. Just set some rules - no male strangers/sex in your home while you're away.

Set the outside camera up - I think indoor surveillance is extreme imo - and if you see her bring strangers in while you're away again AFTER setting clear rules about visitors, then yes I would sack her. Then there's obvious disregard and disrespect for your feelings and your home.