Too consider sacking my au pair

[autumnleaf1]

I have had a nice au pair since January, who gets on well with the children. When she first came here, she wanted to go away with us when we went away at weekends, but abruptly one time, she decided that she'd prefer to stay home when we went away, and has done ever since.

We went away without her this weekend and when we got home we noticed that someone had been sick in the family toilet (which she doesn't normally use) and hadn't cleaned it properly. We didn't say anything to her as we weren't sure what to say.

This morning I took the recycling out and found a carrier bag full of bottles in the recycling bin. She doesn't really seem to understand the recycling system here, so I assumed she thought carrier bags could be recycled along with other recycling. I picked up the bag and tipped out the bottles, only to find it was actually her rubbish bin, which contained loads of beer bottles as well as condoms. She has never drank when in the house with us.

When she came downstairs I asked her what had happened and why she had had a man in my house while we were away. If she wants to invite people over, then I think it's polite to ask first, or at the very least, inform me. What she does in her own time is up to her, but what she does in my house is up to me. Her response didn't make sense and she insisted that he did not come in the house. She said that everything they did, happened elsewhere, but she decided to take the rubbish back with her, which is why it is in my bin. She said that there was sick in the toilet because she had been sick after she got back. This has it's led me to wonder how many times she has done this when we have been away. I don't want random people that we don't know (and she barely knows) in my house for a weekend (she said she met him in a WhatsApp group).

I don't know where to go from here, we go visiting people maybe one weekend a month, but now I don't feel comfortable leaving her in my house, but equally I can't insist that she comes with us. Sacking her seems quite extreme because she is good with the kids, but I don't trust her alone in my house any more.

It’s about trust. You then start to find other things not quite right now. Though I would give her another chance to explain and also see what your kids think of her. If your kids like her, then perhaps give her another chance but explain the house rules and what you expect of her in your house.

What about getting someone else you know and trust to stay in the house with her?

OP, are you fond of this girl? Does she seem like a good person? You trust her with your DC, which is huge. I think you should have a serious chat with her. Ask her what she would do / think / feel if she were in your position. Tell her that you don't believe her story about the rubbish, sex in the car, etc and explain why it doesn't make sense.

Based on her reactions, either tell her you have to let her go or give her one more chance.

I'd let her go on the basis that she's clearly lied to you about who she's let into your home.

But I'd also make other provisions asap as the current au-pair system will cease on Brexit day next year - the arrangement isn't even mentioned in the transit talks. So nobody in the UK will be able to have a European au pair after 29th March 2019, and no British young people will be able to spend time as au pairs in the EU.

The sad thing is that the au pair exchange agreement existed before we joined the EU, but no effort is being made to bring back the now defunct agreement post Brexit, and so it will all simply lapse.

Make it clear no men allowed in house.
Install visible outdoor camera.
Job done.

I would let her go.

You are supposed to treat an au pair as a daughter.... if my daughter did that I would hit the roof and probably not want her to be alone in the house for a while.
Equally though I would also have a chat about casual sex/drinking etc and the risks as as a responsible adult it’s our job to guide them

I don’t think her enjoying a few drinks to herself while you were away would bother me but inviting strangers in woold. It’s a total invasion of privacy and you obviously don’t know who the man involved is, he could steal from you.

I would tell her it isn’t acceptable and if you find she’s done it again, let her go.

OP, I think some of it is a generational issue - I'm guessing you're perhaps a much older person who is quite far from her own twenties. Nowadays, meeting online is very common, and most people do it. She had a boyfriend over when the children weren't there, had a few drinks, had sex using a condom (sensible woman). That's what people in their twenties do, and your own children will probably do the same.
When you have an adult live-in employee, you have to accept them as an adult. The vast majority of people nowadays do have sex in their twenties. Its fine to say you don't want people you don't know around your children, and fine to say she should have cleaned the loo. But its a bit out of kilter with modern times to be prim about a twenty year old having protected sex. Its surely more civilised and safe for her to do it in her home than outside or in a car? I think you need to try to loosen up and realise that times have changed.

OP, I think some of it is a generational issue - I'm guessing you're perhaps a much older person who is quite far from her own twenties. Nowadays, meeting online is very common, and most people do it. She had a boyfriend over when the children weren't there, had a few drinks, had sex using a condom (sensible woman). That's what people in their twenties do, and your own children will probably do the same

Such a weird post. You're obviously trying to upset the OP by use of the phrase much older and I think you've misunderstood what it is that worries the OP. You appear to think that people who aren't in their twenties really don't get it and never had sex except to create children The reality is that people have been combining drinks, sex and boyfriends from the beginning of time lol and plenty of much older people still do.

My understanding (which I accept could be wrong) is that the OP feels she should have been asked for permission to have the au-pairs boyfriend/friends stay over when she's not there, just like any parent would expect from their own children and importantly to be allowed make an informed decision about who she has in her family home while she's not there, which I think, most people would find fairly reasonable, even in their twenties. My own daughter (who had what most people would probably consider some very wild teenage years) is now in her early twenties and has two young children. She read the same post (and has in fact commented on this thread) and was appalled at the deceit of the au-pair and said she would be very uncomfortable having unknown people staying in her home.

As it stands Op has absolutely no idea who was invited into her home, none whatsoever, simply because she wasn't asked. The visitors could have been picked up from a nightclub and would have unfettered access to her whole house for a whole weekend potentially, particularly if it was the au-pair who was sick as she'd have been fairly drunk/drugged to get to that point.

I feel pretty sure that the OP doesn't much care about, nor is she shocked by the sex life of the au-pair.

I think that even in these 'looser' times, the vast majority of homeowners in their twenties value the privacy and security afforded to them by their own homes and most of them would feel violated if that was invaded by people they don't know.

I cannot believe this thread has reached 160-odd posts and there is a lack of consensus this girl has been unreasonable. For crying out loud she's been outrageous. It's incredible that there is anyone who thinks this would be an acceptable way to behave in someone else's home. This is not a flat share, of course she should have asked before having God knows how many people around and as for leaving sick on the loo and lying about the bottles. Just- unreal.

And the agism is positively hilarious. Agree 100% with Snork.