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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to worry I have no choice but to become my MIL around the house

385 replies

JammyDodger99 · 02/05/2018 17:38

I will preface this by saying my DP is absolutely wonderful and I love him dearly. We are engaged to be married this year and have been living together under a year.

Again, to preface - our relationship is strong and healthy, and we never fight- our communication is good and if we ever disagree we are good at working things through by talking calmly.

So to the problem... That said, he is pretty hopeless at "practical" tasks including housework and DIY. My MIL raised him in a totally sexist environment where the boys were totally cooked and catered for and the girls looked after the house. Hmm She never expected the boys to lift a finger for anything and cleaned up all around them.. (I still see this in evidence when we visit her where her other DS are still at home). Thankfully, DP is intelligent and enlightened and realises this was completely ridiculous (and that we will not raise any future DC in this way)! He doesn't want to perpetuate this inequality in our household or with future DCs and would describe himself as a feminist.

However, his upbringing has left him without skills in this area, and I have had to teach him the very basics, including how to make a cup of tea! Before we met he lived in a rather stereotypical shared house with a load of guys who relied on Deliveroo for everything so he didn't pick up many household skills (FFS).

He is not great at doing things because he doesn't notice when they need doing e.g. doesn't automatically think about the laundry or cleaning the surfaces, and his expectations are generally lower than mine as well e.g. he would be okay about leaving a dirty plate on the side which I wouldn't. I don't want to make excuses but I genuinely don't think he notices half the time.

To his credit, whenever I ask him he immediately helps out, but it doesn't come naturally, and so I worry I will become a nag after years of this. He also needs guidance and can't cook a meal from scratch or even do the laundry without repeated instruction! FFS I know this sounds like a nightmare!!! He is so wonderful though, supportive of me, kind, funny etc and this is the only problem I have with our relationship!

DP and I both work, however he works reeeally long hours leaving at about 8.30 and not usually getting home until 10pm-12miidnight (and sometimes after). He also sometimes has to work through the weekend but not always. My hours are much more normal so I tend to have evenings available. Therefore I obviously do end up with the lion's share of housework / household chores which, on balance, I think is fair enough since I have more time.

When tackling a household chore at the weekend when he is there, I have found myself thinking "it will be easier / quicker to do this myself" but then I feel like I will start doing everything and basically become my MIL. (please no).

When we have discussed this my DP is open and agrees he should contribute fairly and is always very sorry he hasn't been proactive about it. DP says he wants to be reminded but I have said I'm not sure I should have to - not sure if this is realistic. DP's other suggestion is that because he is time poor he would be happy to pay a cleaner to do his share so I do less. (DP earns considerably more than me so could afford it - very lucky I know).

I don't know how I feel about all of this. He is genuinely not a lazy bastard, he works really hard for us both and is super supportive in every other way. Sometimes I watch him when he's doing some task I've asked him to help with, like changing the bedsheets or making a sandwich, and it's clear he really has no clue what he is doing!! If I didn't have to be on the receiving end I would find it hilarious, watching him fumble around bless him. E.g. When I asked him to cook some pasta he put the saucepan on the hob with no water!! Lol! I just assumed he would know how, this but it is tragic!

Again, I don't mean to paint him out the wrong way - he is in fact highly intelligent and in a very responsible job! Lol.

I have a feeling this must be a fairly common issue with men who have been raised in this way. What can I do or how should we both handle this as we embark on married life? Does anyone else have experience of being with a man raised in this way?

Don't even start me on how we will cope if and when babies come along. I am fully aware of how much we will need to support one another so we stay together, and don't crumble under the lack of sleep and hellish hard work of a baby. I guess I am trying to work out how we can move forward to pave the way for this as well.

Any advice from those with a similar experience gratefully received. X

OP posts:
KERALA1 · 03/05/2018 10:25

Yeah my over 70 father can't cook, so he religiously does breakfast every day and clears it up and cleans the house (spotless). So even if you struggle in one area of household drudge it's only fair you pick up another

KERALA1 · 03/05/2018 10:28

Maybe the root is your upbringing op? thinking about it all my sisters have married pitch in with household jobs men as my dad was like that it's normal for us.

NotTakenUsername · 03/05/2018 10:36

I think KERALA1 makes a great point. I sometimes say to dh would be want Dd to have a husband like him. Women often ‘marry their fathers’.

beachysandy81 · 03/05/2018 10:39

Well he is showing willing so I don't really think it is much of an issue, he is in training! I was pretty hopeless due to not living a home when growing up (unfortunately not due to having a doting mother). When I started fending for myself I quickly learnt to cook and clean but I was pretty rubbish at first. He works incredibly long hours so he must be exhausted by the weekend. I would be more worried about the hours he works as he is hardly at home so can't be much help with a baby as he won't be there.

MillicentF · 03/05/2018 11:01

“Maybe the root is your upbringing op?”

Great. First it’s his mother’s fault, now it’s the OPs.

It’s as if feminism never happened.

QuizzlyBear · 03/05/2018 11:08

My husband was similar - certainly around DIY and household maintenance. We've been happily married for nearly twenty years now because he pays for a cleaner!

It's not his strength or area of interest and I refuse to do everything. Get a cleaner, it'll save your marriage / relationship!

TheNoodlesIncident · 03/05/2018 11:12

Why are posters saying OP's DP "is showing willing"? He ISN'T willing! If he was, he wouldn't be needing to be told to do things, would he? He'd just get on with it - maybe a bit cack-handedly due to lack of practice, but there's an obvious answer to that...

If I'm out, DH makes lunch for himself and DS if he's home. Or at least he did. Now DS is nine, he makes his lunch himself. It's not a difficult task to carry out buttering bread, it's only a matter of practising until the movements are more fluid. This DP of OP's seems to be trying the "If I do it badly I won't have to do it again" lark; I'd think it was just lack of practice but for his having to be told/advised/directed.

I don't think OP's ready to hear that though...

NotTakenUsername · 03/05/2018 11:14

MillicentF I think the point is that op is ultimately willing to accept this behaviour, especially when she still has time to walk away from such sly fuckwittery ( Yeah!! ) before she commits to marriage or children with this man.

MillicentF · 03/05/2018 11:14

So he pays a cleaner. Who does the day to day stuff around the house in between? Who cooks, shops, changes the loo roll, does the laundry hangs up the damp towels, unloads the dishwasher,...... ,,

NotTakenUsername · 03/05/2018 11:16

Also, calling it the root of op upbringing is blaming her mother and father. Not her.

Op is happy to site mil as a factor in this issue. Not dp.

WomanEqualsAdultHumanFemale · 03/05/2018 11:26

Wow! Look at all these people scraping the barrel to find anyone else at all to blame for this fully grown infant as long as it isn’t the fully grown infant himself! What the hell is wrong with you people? If a grown ass man can’t wash his own clothes it’s because he Doesn’t want to. No-one else to blame. He is, I assume, over 18 and has been for a few months. It’s all on him now. The buck stops with him.

Motoko · 03/05/2018 11:31

Think mrsdv is spot on. This situation is so ridiculous it's hard to believe

I really don't believe he doesn't know how to make a cup of tea, a sandwich (a sandwich FFS!), boil pasta, or send a birthday card. If this is real, then he absolutely knows how to do those things, he's just playing OP.
And if he's playing the OP, he's not the man she thinks he is, he's a cynical misogynist.

AutumnMadness · 03/05/2018 11:36

JammyDodger99, I have not read the whole thread, but this is based on my experience:

It's not what you will want to hear, but your partner is a lazy bastard. Sorry. Any human who gets to an advanced age and does not know how to make a friggin cup of tea is a massive lazy bugger. Your partner is totally stuck in the sexist mode where he sees himself as 'the earner' (hence working ridiculous hours that will not leave any time for yourself, home or any potential children) and leaving everything else in life for the woman (aka 'house elf') to pick up.

He has standards, trust me. He lived in his mother's house, which I am sure what spotless, so he knows very well what a clean house, washed laundry and homecooked meals look like. It's just not high on the list of his priorities because he does not see it as his job, his area of concern. He will rather slob than compromise his masculine privilege, but he also knows that he will more likely than not find a woman who will do all this shit for him.

Also don't fall for the circus act where he struggles with changing sheets or a lightbulb like a newborn babe. He can learn this shit perfectly well. (Hell, most women these days hardly hold a baby before their own is born, and yet they somehow manage to learn to care for their own children!) He just does not WANT TO. In his brain, he has this line running through: 'it's not my job, it's not my job, it's not my job....' on and on and on, and that is why he is doing a shit job all the time. He just wants it to go away as opposed to do it well.

My advice - don't fall for this shit. Don't get married unless you see tangible changes - e.g. a reduction in the insane working hours, actual skills on the household front, actual initiative.

Bowlofbabelfish · 03/05/2018 11:44

I have found myself thinking "it would be quicker/easier to do this myself"

This is called strategic incompetence and it works doesn’t it?

It’s not his mothers fault. He’s a grown adult who holds down a job. If you honestly think he can’t figure out how to do the laundry then he’s laughing. Of course he can. He just doesn’t because you do it for him

AutumnMadness · 03/05/2018 11:48

Bowlofbabelfish, yep, you are exactly right! This man just knows deep inside that as long as he keeps making some sort of decent money, he will find himself a house elf.

Morsecode · 03/05/2018 12:05

But what would a cleaner do about boiling pasta or a teabag? Would they bring in a dose of common sense along with their bleach and hoover?

MillicentF · 03/05/2018 12:07

Quite.the main function of a cleaner in this instance is to enable the man to say "there you are-I'm paying for a cleaner for you"

Bowlofbabelfish · 03/05/2018 12:14

Ten years down the line you will have two kids. You’ll be knackered because he’s never done the night wakings (such an important job! Can’t be tired!) and you’ll do everything for the kids because he won’t (but you’ll still think he’s such a great dad.)
He will do long hours so you will never get an evening off, or help in the early teatime slot. Your career will stagnate because he can’t possibly take a day for little susie when she’s sick (that important job again!) so you will end up doing all that too.
He will say he’s tired when he gets home and resent you for asking him to do the very basics, (god woman! I earn the money! Can’t I just sit down?) so again, you’ll end up doing all that.

And when you’re ten years older, shattered from being up half he night, rummaging for school shorts and with a head full of school timetables, errands, housework AND a job to cope with, and he comes in and demands a clean shirt you might just remember that you could have run away at this point.

Because there is absolutely no way in this universe or any other that I would marry a man who maintained he couldnt even make a cup of tea. Utterly. Fucking. Pathetic.

He IS a cheeky fucker. He IS a lazy sod and the natural follow on to that is that he doesn’t respect you anywhere near as much as you think he does. Because if he did he’d be deeply ashamed and following you round with a notebook writing down laundry settings and working on a housework rota with you.
Is he doing that? Nope? Then consider the possibility that you are a mummy replacement, coupled with sex on tap, a housekeeper and a cleaner.

Run my dear. Run fast, run far, for there are men out there holding down Very Demanding Jobs who still get up in the night, scrub the loo and put the laundry on. You could have one of them.

whatwouldkeithRichardsdo2 · 03/05/2018 12:24

This needs to be sorted before you marry him. Unless you are prepared to take on the majority of the workload. It is worse when children come along.

You can't change them unless they want to change. Make it a condition of marriage. Being brought up in a home as your DP was will mean it is deeply engrained in him.

NotTakenUsername · 03/05/2018 12:27

Wow! Look at all these people scraping the barrel to find anyone else at all to blame for this fully grown infant

I don’t think that’s fair. It can be insightful to understand the origins of issues and opinions. I don’t think that’s the same as blaming. For example, understanding where my eating disorder originated from helps me to manage it. I don’t blame the origin, I take responsibility for managing it as best I can.

TheClitterati · 03/05/2018 12:28

"Show willing" Grin

LOL!!! Show willing to be a functioning adult Grin

The hoops some women will go through to excuse this misogynist behaviour in order to be with a man.

Cherrypieface123 · 03/05/2018 12:29

Read the incompetent husband thread over in relationships and then run for the hills. It’s not that he can’t do these things, it’s that he can’t be bothered. Which says rather a lot about how he sees you, doesn’t it?

AutumnMadness · 03/05/2018 12:32

NotTakenUsername, sorry, eating disorders and inability to make a cup of tea in a grown human being are issues of a completely different order.

As one of the previous posters said, if a grown able-bodied man is not able to make himself a cup of the he is either

a) suffering from serious head issues in which case he should probably not be regarded as in control of his properties and the power of attorney should be transferred from him to an able and responsible adult or

b) a cheeky fucker of a highest order.

NotTakenUsername · 03/05/2018 12:38

But the point of siting ops parents was not to excuse the cheeky fucker, it was to help her understand why in the name of god she would put up with such cheeky fuckery.

Imagine in my analogy the ops relationship with said cheeky fucker is the eating disorder, and understanding why she continues in a relationship with such a man might help her to manage this behaviour (as in leave, run for the hills! ) and save herself from a lifetime of misery.

NotTakenUsername · 03/05/2018 12:43

citing* Blush