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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to worry I have no choice but to become my MIL around the house

385 replies

JammyDodger99 · 02/05/2018 17:38

I will preface this by saying my DP is absolutely wonderful and I love him dearly. We are engaged to be married this year and have been living together under a year.

Again, to preface - our relationship is strong and healthy, and we never fight- our communication is good and if we ever disagree we are good at working things through by talking calmly.

So to the problem... That said, he is pretty hopeless at "practical" tasks including housework and DIY. My MIL raised him in a totally sexist environment where the boys were totally cooked and catered for and the girls looked after the house. Hmm She never expected the boys to lift a finger for anything and cleaned up all around them.. (I still see this in evidence when we visit her where her other DS are still at home). Thankfully, DP is intelligent and enlightened and realises this was completely ridiculous (and that we will not raise any future DC in this way)! He doesn't want to perpetuate this inequality in our household or with future DCs and would describe himself as a feminist.

However, his upbringing has left him without skills in this area, and I have had to teach him the very basics, including how to make a cup of tea! Before we met he lived in a rather stereotypical shared house with a load of guys who relied on Deliveroo for everything so he didn't pick up many household skills (FFS).

He is not great at doing things because he doesn't notice when they need doing e.g. doesn't automatically think about the laundry or cleaning the surfaces, and his expectations are generally lower than mine as well e.g. he would be okay about leaving a dirty plate on the side which I wouldn't. I don't want to make excuses but I genuinely don't think he notices half the time.

To his credit, whenever I ask him he immediately helps out, but it doesn't come naturally, and so I worry I will become a nag after years of this. He also needs guidance and can't cook a meal from scratch or even do the laundry without repeated instruction! FFS I know this sounds like a nightmare!!! He is so wonderful though, supportive of me, kind, funny etc and this is the only problem I have with our relationship!

DP and I both work, however he works reeeally long hours leaving at about 8.30 and not usually getting home until 10pm-12miidnight (and sometimes after). He also sometimes has to work through the weekend but not always. My hours are much more normal so I tend to have evenings available. Therefore I obviously do end up with the lion's share of housework / household chores which, on balance, I think is fair enough since I have more time.

When tackling a household chore at the weekend when he is there, I have found myself thinking "it will be easier / quicker to do this myself" but then I feel like I will start doing everything and basically become my MIL. (please no).

When we have discussed this my DP is open and agrees he should contribute fairly and is always very sorry he hasn't been proactive about it. DP says he wants to be reminded but I have said I'm not sure I should have to - not sure if this is realistic. DP's other suggestion is that because he is time poor he would be happy to pay a cleaner to do his share so I do less. (DP earns considerably more than me so could afford it - very lucky I know).

I don't know how I feel about all of this. He is genuinely not a lazy bastard, he works really hard for us both and is super supportive in every other way. Sometimes I watch him when he's doing some task I've asked him to help with, like changing the bedsheets or making a sandwich, and it's clear he really has no clue what he is doing!! If I didn't have to be on the receiving end I would find it hilarious, watching him fumble around bless him. E.g. When I asked him to cook some pasta he put the saucepan on the hob with no water!! Lol! I just assumed he would know how, this but it is tragic!

Again, I don't mean to paint him out the wrong way - he is in fact highly intelligent and in a very responsible job! Lol.

I have a feeling this must be a fairly common issue with men who have been raised in this way. What can I do or how should we both handle this as we embark on married life? Does anyone else have experience of being with a man raised in this way?

Don't even start me on how we will cope if and when babies come along. I am fully aware of how much we will need to support one another so we stay together, and don't crumble under the lack of sleep and hellish hard work of a baby. I guess I am trying to work out how we can move forward to pave the way for this as well.

Any advice from those with a similar experience gratefully received. X

OP posts:
boho2u · 02/05/2018 21:57

You're on to a loser here and I think you know it, which to be fair is more than I did 15 years ago. He neatly, take note of what people are saying.

It annoys you now, and your in the honeymoon phase. Add in DC's, trying to cling on to your job, while running round like a maniac doing drop off/pick ups, lack of sleep and stress of everyday family life (which lasts years btw) and you will find yourself in the position of lots of women on relationship board.

It is shit. I so regret not understanding more about feminism and misogyny before having children. Literally as my first was born you start to see just how duped women are with this stuff.

The fact you had to guide and prompt him to send a birthday card his mother had already reminded him to send should be the biggest red flag of all. He doesn't give a fuck. He doesn't care about his brothers birthday, his mums feelings, your helpfulness. It's a mind set. All very hard to acknowledge when your in the throws of all the fun getting married but though.

doleritedinosaur · 02/05/2018 22:02

Did he not change his bedding at the houseshare then?

Banalarama · 02/05/2018 22:12

MillicentF - I didn’t blame his mother! She doesn’t do that stuff either as she has lots of help. And he was sent to boarding schools. I just said he was brought up not to do it.

I know he could and would do it if he wanted to. I’m not happy with the situation. My only advice to other women is not to expect another person to change because it matters to you. Change only happens if it matters to them.

InDubiousBattle · 02/05/2018 22:20

I look forward to fixing this

I realise it's just a turn of phrase but I still think you are going to 'teach' and 'fix' him. The onus is still on you. You sorting it out. He should just be getting on with learning how to be an adult. Not you guiding him through this time whilst he learns how to make a sandwich.

KERALA1 · 02/05/2018 22:27

Why is your bar so woefully low down to the "at least he doesn't drink and beat me up" type comment.

Anecdotally this is not normal for men of our age. All my family and friends have competent husbands. Company directors doing all the catering at dinner parties. Hospital consultants hoovering and sorting kids lunches out. God knows how they were brought up but reasonable adults don't leave the person they are supposed to love to do all the shit work.

Ryder63 · 02/05/2018 22:27

He should just be getting on with learning how to be an adult. Not you guiding him through this time whilst he learns how to make a sandwich

Perfect summing up! Grin

NordicNobody · 02/05/2018 22:41

I think as long as you would still be willing to marry him even if he never changes or if he gets significant worse, then that's all there is to it really. I'm afraid I'm with the posters saying this is the most probable outcome, so if you want to marry him but only in the hope that he'll change over time then you have a problem. If you want to marry him no matter what and if things improve well that's just the icing on the cake, then brilliant. That's as it should be. It sounds from your updates like that is the case so best of luck to you and I wish you a happy marriage.

GreenTulips · 02/05/2018 22:45

Anecdotally this is not normal for men of our age

DD's BF aged just 17 has only ever made one cup of tea, he has never been allowed to open a can and cook the contents - he is desperate to learn how to warm soup!
He has never used a vacuum or cleaned a car washed up or unloaded a dishwasher

These men still exist! (And yes DD is teaching him how to cook and lets him make tea when he's here)

KERALA1 · 02/05/2018 22:53

No one I know has been daft enough to actually marry one.

GreenTulips · 02/05/2018 22:57

Fair point!!

boho2u · 02/05/2018 23:01

We not all been that luckY unfortunately KERALA!

Kardashianlove · 02/05/2018 23:01

as DP is willing

But he’s not though is he?!
If he was willing he would just do it and google anything he was unsure of.

If he was willing you wouldn’t have to be sitting down having this big discussion and agreeing a plan, etc, he would just be DOING it, getting on with it like YOU do.

pressureofaname · 02/05/2018 23:34

When I was in my first week in university a very charming new male friend appeared at my door with a shirt before a night out and said he was terribly sorry to ask, but would I just show him how to iron it? He’d never been taught at home and he’d be ever so grateful. He diligently stood behind me while I ironed 4/5 of his shirt and took over for the last shirtfront with expressions of relief that he’d henceforth be able to do his own ironing.

The same time next week I caught him in the college laundry with another hapless female mug “just showing him” how to iron a shirt Angry

I outed him to all the others after that and he was extremely cross with me.

WomanEqualsAdultHumanFemale · 02/05/2018 23:37

We not all been that luckY unfortunately KERALA!

Were you assigned your husband? Had you no choice in the matter at all?

cannotmakemymindup · 03/05/2018 01:21

@JammyDodger99 just sent you a pm

thousandpapercranes · 03/05/2018 01:35

I think showing willingness isn’t enough imo. And those long working hours, won’t improve, if anything they will get worse the higher up the ladder he climbs.

I have experienced similarly tactical incompetence. High earning in a responsible job but at home he was like another child that I had to cater to. And it’s not that he couldn’t do general tasks, because he had been doing them on in the relationship, it’s that he was lazy and saw it as my job. I did the DIY or sourced tradesmen. Everything that he touched he would cause more problems than he was trying to solve, it was infuriating. We married then dc came along he was still just as useless, needed his hand held to do even the smallest tasks. Wouldn’t change nappies, wouldn’t feed or dress our 6 month old dc unless I had told him to, wouldn’t settle dc when they woke in the night. The worst was taking 10 month dd out of her cot and leaving her roaming around on the landing in the dark whilst he went back to bed, the list was endless! I became so ill juggling all these balls, I wouldn’t leave dc in his care because I was fearful of him putting them at risk.

I outsourced every task that I could to compensate for his incompetence and he took that as a green light to be even worse because “I pay for a cleaner don’t i?!”. In the end it, it killed our marriage, because no matter how many times I asked for his help to do XYZ, it just didn’t get done if I didn’t do it myself. I can cope with a lot but when things aren’t done for your babies, you loose your shit pretty damn quickly.

I genuinely hope that you’re able to work through this but it’s also not your responsibility to ‘train’ a grown man. Don’t book him into a cooking course let him come up with ideas of how he is going to get himself up to speed otherwise you’re simply managing him again. Plenty of men out there who are capable of adulting!

colditz · 03/05/2018 02:49

You’re very keen on people being Helpful and supportive so I’m baffled as to why are you wandering into a marriage that might be

KERALA1 · 03/05/2018 06:45

We had a male housemate at university that tried this shit. My lovely friend was a fiery red head and he came home to find the mounds of dirty crockery he yet again hadn't washed IN his bed. He got the message after that.

Gabilan · 03/05/2018 07:01

reasonable adults don't leave the person they are supposed to love to do all the shit work.

Print this off and stick it on the fridge, OP. OK, not the fridge. Put it somewhere he'll see it.

Aria2015 · 03/05/2018 07:12

My lo was sick in the car recently, all over the car seat. I wanted to take the car seat cover off and wash it. I tried but couldn't do not get it fully off. So I googled it and watched a youtube video and learnt how to do it. Same applied when we got said car seat and I couldn't figure out how to fit it. Same goes at work, I'm occasionally asked to do things I'm not sure of so I look it up and find out.

So there is no excuse not to do most things because someone somewhere has written instructions or a video that you can look up and watch.

My dh once told me he couldn't do the washing because he didn't know how to use a washing machine. I told him if he can build a computer from scratch (which he can) he’s got the brains to figure it out and he went off and did it. What he really wanted was for me to do it!

I mean, if your dh’s most senior director just asked him to make a coffee or tea for a meeting, would he say ’sorry I have no clue, you'll have to show me’? I doubt it.

Your dh is just as capable of being proactive like this but instead he's been reactive. You seem very happy with him but this is obviously an issue and it'll only get worse if you have kids ’sorry I didn't sterilise the dummy, I don't know how’.

There is no excuse with the amount of information that exists nowadays.

TheFirstMrsDV · 03/05/2018 07:16

Imagine if you were bored and wanted to start a thread that you knew would generate loads of comments and outrage.
What subject would you chose?

BlurryFace · 03/05/2018 07:17

Christ, my DH started off as a bit of a coddled mama's boy but this is ridiculous!

At least DH had the excuse of always living at home until we moved in together, but your bloke stayed this dumb in a houseshare? Wasn't he embarrassed? My dad was born in the 40s and is the best home cook I know, very good at DIY and knows his way round a vacuum.

8FencingWire · 03/05/2018 07:19

OP, I was married for 20 odd years. That shit doesn’t wash with me anymore, it’s called learnt helplessness. It might seem endearing atm, but it does wear thin and you’ll end up resenting him.

Somehow, somewhere men have got this idea that we’re supposed to do the wifework, that it’s a given and this is how we show how much we love them and how worthy they are.
In effect, that’s just lazy and I won’t have it. And neither should you.
I’d sit him down and explain this will lead to resentments and kill the relationship. Put the ball in his park and watch carefully what happens.
When a man tells you who you are, listen. You won’t change him, he has to do it himself.

flumpybear · 03/05/2018 07:25

Teach him or leave - I taught my husband, to be fair I wasn't great either, but it does take hard work and effort - the thing that pisses me off most now about my man child is he empties the dishwasher cutlery into the drawer then just closes it, all piled up in no order ..... I posted a pic on Facebook and outed him - he doesn't do it anymore .... so far 🤔

Furano · 03/05/2018 07:29

Honestly, ‘learning’ how to do washing isn’t rocket science. He’s having you on love, he wants a mother replacement and thinks your time is less important than his man time.