To want to come out?

[Sosososcandalous]

NC in case outing but have been here for a couple of months!

I have been feeling recently that I would like to come out, but I don't know if I am being unreasonable in this.

I am a bisexual woman. I've 'known' since I was about 20 (but had a good few years before that thinking that it was totally not an for straight girls to fantasise about other women sometimes... ).

Had a couple of relationships with girls at uni, was out to my uni pals as bi, but never told anyone in my family. I don't really know why, but the thought gives me huge anxiety. My parents aren't at all homophobic but they are 'sheltered' - they don't know any gay people and although I haven't ever heard them express prejudice, I don't think it would occur to them in a million years that I might be Bi. I'm probably very unreasonable anxious about their reaction, but I just feel like they have a view of who I am that would change if they knew, and I don't know if I am ready for that.

Also, some of my husband's family are homophobic (not his parents but cousins / aunt and uncle) and it could lead to awkwardness at family occasions if they knew (although maybe they wouldn't need to be told?)

I am now married to a man (he does know and has never raised an eyebrow about it) and have a very happy and settled life. But I feel like this large part of my identity isn't known by many of the people I care about most. And I feel like it's cowardly for me to keep it secret.

Would I be unreasonable to potentially change my family dynamic by coming out when for all practical purposes it's irrelevant now anyway because I'm married? Or am I unreasonable to be so worried when my lovely parents would probably be fine anyway? I feel like I've escaped the horror of homophobic abuse because where I might encounter it I've 'passed' in a way that isn't possible for a lot of gay and bi women. I don't want to minimise how awful that would be, or just assume it wouldn't now affect me.

Sorry for such a ramble. I'm just so confused about it and I don't know what to do.

@FloraFox you still are missing the point. It's not about people refusing to sleep with me as an individual. It's about a belief system that says bisexual women are x, y and z.

I'm not sure if you are being wilfully ignorant at this stage .

At the risk of sounding like a stuck record but I repeat - I would fiercely defend everyone's right to exercise choice over their sexual partners.

what would it achieve? would you go out of your way to tell people you were heterosexual? whose business is it anyway? i am totally confused as to why on earth you would feel the need to discuss this with anyone except your partner or potential partners. It bears no relevance to your daily life at all only your sex life and you have already stated that you are happily married and presumably monogamous.

I totally understand where you are coming from. Once I had children, all the new people I met perceived me as heterosexual, and treated me as if I was, and that felt kind of odd and I did start modifying my behaviour as a result, and only mentioning male crushes, and so on. And when people see you as heterosexual, some of them feel as though it's ok to express homophobia around you, and don't ever consider that it would be hurtful on a personal level. And I'm also involved in an organisation which has huge problems with homophobia on an institutional level, and I do think it's important that people don't just assume that someone in a relationship with a man is only interested in men.

It doesn't really have anything to do with my relationship with my partner. I live him and am happy to never have sex with anyone else again, but that doesn't mean I never feel attraction towards anyone else. And it's sort of reached a point where I'm starting to feel as though I'm being dishonest by going along with other people's incorrect assumptions.

I don't think it's necessary really.

I have no idea if my parents know I am bi or not.

They would've found out if I had had a girlfriend, but as I didn't it wouldn't matter.

I have that I like men and women on my FB, not that anyone really cares to read those things.

My DHs family are quite discriminatory in a manner of ways so would probably be grossed out. Who cares, really!

I think if the topic ever comes up then sure mention it - but I wouldn't specifically mention it.

No need to hide it or make it obvious - just be yourself.

@Joanna57
I'll never forget a lesbian 'friend' coming on to me, many many years ago. Both of us drunk. That 'move' ended our friendship forever, she had overstepped the line, bigtime.

"overstepped the line, bigtime"

People come on to other people all the time, when drunk.

Absent I'm not missing the point, I just don't agree with you when it comes to sexual partners.

A belief system that says "bisexual women are x, y and z" is probably biphobic (unless it's bisexual women will shag men or women or some such statement). "I'm not comfortable around bisexuals" - also biphobic.

A belief system that says women can be called shaming names for excluding people from any class or for any reason as potential sexual partners (including bisexuality, race or whatever) is anti-woman because it tries to shame women for their sexual choices and therefore tries to overcome their sexual autonomy. It's misogyny to call a woman biphobic, racist, transphobic or whatever because she sets her own sexual boundaries. Even though you say any particular woman can refuse any particular sexual partner, it's still misogyny to say that a woman can be shamed for excluding a class of person from her sexuality, just as you can't say a straight woman is lesbophobic if she doesn't want to have sex with a lesbian or gingerphobic if she doesn't want to have sex with a redhead (although I've never understood the English aversion to redheads).

Just because you fit into one class of a person another person would consider having sex with (female) doesn't mean she's not allowed to exclude other classes of people she wouldn't have sex with that you might fit into (redheads, bisexuals, trans, Belgians, whatever).

As between the two options, I'm going to prioritise the woman's sexual autonomy every time.

Haven't read all the way through, but I am in a similar position to you and completely sympathise. I have never come out to my family as bi despite knowing they would be fine with it. But feel awkward as always been with my boyfriend so haven't felt the need, especially now we have a child. However it does mean I hold back on comments around family usually silly things like discussing people/experiences and things like a celebrity crush I have to filter myself.

If it will make you feel happier, go for it. It doesn't need to be a big thing but if there is a natural way to bring it up take it :) The fact you're thinking about it this much shows you must be bothering you.

I don’t have anything against straight people flirting or making advances at men or women - who is making up all these rules about how people can or can’t express themselves sexually?

What's the point in "coming out"?

Because you never have to worry that you'll accidentally come out. You won't have to watch what you say around people who don't know.

It makes life easier for others. I dare say you know people who have homophobic feelings who would say "well we don't know any people like that" about GBLT people. They would if you came out and they would realise you don't have 3 heads and no reflection or whatever they might have thought before. Visibility helps.

link to Stonewall Bi Visibility day

Thank you @goldenbug - that's a really helpful link ❤️

@Coffeewithmyoxyg3n ❤️ Thank you

lunnetes

It’s not about making up rules about people expressing themselves sexually, it’s about the fact that it’s unkind to pretend to be a sexual orientation you are not just so you can flirt with and get attention off people.
I know I’d be very upset if a gay guy pretended to be bi and made me believe he fancied me just to make himself feel good.

Haven't RTFT but I was going to write an almost identical post to coffee's. I haven't officially 'come out' (too shy earlier on in life, then 2 long term hetero relationships from 20 to present day. Have 3 DC). My (male) DP has known for years, I told my 2 closest friends a couple of years ago as it came up in conversation about celebrity crushes! . No one else 'officially' knows although I have made comments to some friends and kissed a woman in front of others once (years ago).

I know what you mean, I feel weirdly anxious about telling my parents! But also like, what's the point? I'm fairly sure my DSis is also bi, but also not officially 'out'. But now I just think, if it comes up with them/sis/whoever, then it does. But I don't NEED them to know really. It has no particular bearing on anything.

Saying all that, if you want to come out, go for it!

Ps re. filtering yourself. I have been doing this about celebrity crushes etc since I was literally about 10 years old, which makes me sad now

Looking at some of these borderline homophobic comments made me wonder what advice you’d actual get here as a bi woman. How are they helpful? Then I thought, actually, maybe they are. Maybe they’ll give you an idea of some of the adverse reaction you could get from friends and family, the ones uncomfortable with it, the ones who’d rather you hide your identity and sexuality. Maybe these ‘if my married relative came out i’d laugh in their face’ comments will help prepare you for the negative, the mocking, the angry ‘you’re selfish’, confused reactions. You get these in spades when you come out. But you also get the love and support and pride, sometimes from the most surprising quarters.
And maybe that’s why it is important to come out. To be visible, to be your authentic self, without hiding, or omitting things in case you give yourself away. Maybe your visibility will help shape the way your friends and family view LGBTpeople, it is harder to hate or mock or laugh at gay or bi people when you actually know one. Maybe you’ll help other friends or people to come out too. Personally I came out because I was sick of using neutral pronouns ‘they’ instead of ‘her’ or omitting the name of the (gay) bar I’d been to the night before at work so no one would know. So who cares if you come out? You do, and that’s all that really matters IMHO.

@Ticketsfrom that's made me really emotional, you've put it so well and made such a great point ❤️

I just asked explained this thread to my mum and asked her what she thought about my coming out as bisexual to her.

She said she was glad I did because, despite what many people in this thread seem to be implying she didn't think I was telling her about a kink - it's a pretty important part of who I am (and did explain literally everything about my childhood.) We don't often talk about these subjects - how often do you say "Check out the arse on that" to your mum? That's why it's harder to just slip it into a convo with family. I just feel much more relaxed around my family when certain subjects come up, I'm so anxious.

If anyone is thinking about 'coming out' I would say you don't owe it to anyone. Bisexual erasure is a thing but that's not your responsibility.
That's due to homophobia and people's reactions to female sexuality.
You're not going to change the world by coming out. Judge for yourself who you want to tell. I'm not out to everyone. TBH the bi-phobia I've encountered has put me back into the cupboard (ironically enough from straight women mostly who can fetishise you somewhat.) I'm a bit more cautious who I tell. Plus I HATE coming out, it's always so AWKWARD.

That closeted feeling isn't something that only gay people feel. Some people are perfectly happy keeping things private - that's cool if you're happy with that. Many bi people I speak to weren't sure until they were older so it feels a bit melodramatic to 'come out' in your thirties. There's also a pressure that you feel a little bit deceitful - like you don't trust the people you love.

Ultimately only you can judge how your family will react. Don't assume they will react badly if they're older or 'traditional'. Also, don't be surprised if 'liberal' people react negatively. There's up's and downs.

Ultimately it wasn't a big deal but I definitely feel more relaxed and sure about myself. Don't make a big drama about it. You only need to say it once. Then you never have to mention it again. It will hardly ever come up. But being out instead of getting that funny anxious feeling whenever something 'gay' comes up you can say something like, "Yeah she's really pretty" or else "Yes that's not a nice thing to say."

Good luck with whatever you decide OP. Remember, if all else fails there's always and "IM BISEXUAL THATS A NICE SCARF DO YOU HAVE A CIGARETTE I CAN BORROW I HAVE TO GO NOW BYE!" Which has always been my preferred technique

@Ticketsfrom also got a bit tearful, well put - what she said

I dont see the point in it at all when you are married. Your sexuality is your business. You wont be with women now your married so whats the need to say anything. If in the figure you split from your dh and get in a relationship with a woman then tell them but for now it doesnt matter.

Last year, after a 14 year relationship with a man I broke up with him and came out. I had repressed a huge part of myself and in turn had been dishonest with him. I am now in a relationship with a woman and consider myself gay, not bi. My family were very shocked, but understood and have been so supportive. Had I been able to be more honest earlier on in my life it would have saved a lot of hurt. I completely understand why this is important to you op. My life has been immeasurably better since coming out. I finally feel comfortable in my own skin and not living a lie.

I think in OP's specific situation (happily married, with no current desire to introduce a new partner into either her own life or her family circle) making an announcement of her bisexuality would be a bit selfish. Because other family members are likely to wonder why she's telling them now if she's not about to announce that she's dumping Hubby for a woman, or that they're looking for a woman to have a threesome with, or whatever. I wonder if OP would be disappointed if the reaction, rather than either tears and anguish or opening the champagne, was more along the lines of 'Fair enough, dear. Pass the butter, would you?'

I don't really understand all the people saying that it's irrelevant because the OP is married. Can people only be out as bisexual if they aren't in a committed monogamous relationship, and as soon as they settle down with one person, they have to join Team Heterosexual or Team Lesbian? Because it really doesn't work like that. And I haven't really seen any signs of heterosexual people thinking that their sexuality is no longer important once they get married. I see married straight women talking about their male exes, their male crushes, the type of man they find attractive and assuming that any hypothetical other partner would be male, all the time.

I’m gay. I was still gay when I was single. I didn’t feel the need to hide my identity because I didn’t have a girlfriend to make it obvious. Now I have a wife. Still gay. Now I have kids and constantly taken as heterosexual now I am a mum. STILL gay. OP is bi regardless of being married or not, to a woman or a man, still bi. I’m not sure why anyone thinks her sexuality is irrelevant because she has a husband.

OP is bi regardless of being married or not, to a woman or a man, still bi. I’m not sure why anyone thinks her sexuality is irrelevant because she has a husband

Its irrelevant because no one cares

Doug maybe you would genuinely not care if any of your kids or close family came out but that doesn't mean it's true if everyone. Maybe some people's families really would care and really would want their relatives to feel able to be totally honest and open. I know I would. You can't just assume everyone feels like you do.