To want to come out?

[Sosososcandalous]

NC in case outing but have been here for a couple of months!

I have been feeling recently that I would like to come out, but I don't know if I am being unreasonable in this.

I am a bisexual woman. I've 'known' since I was about 20 (but had a good few years before that thinking that it was totally not an for straight girls to fantasise about other women sometimes... ).

Had a couple of relationships with girls at uni, was out to my uni pals as bi, but never told anyone in my family. I don't really know why, but the thought gives me huge anxiety. My parents aren't at all homophobic but they are 'sheltered' - they don't know any gay people and although I haven't ever heard them express prejudice, I don't think it would occur to them in a million years that I might be Bi. I'm probably very unreasonable anxious about their reaction, but I just feel like they have a view of who I am that would change if they knew, and I don't know if I am ready for that.

Also, some of my husband's family are homophobic (not his parents but cousins / aunt and uncle) and it could lead to awkwardness at family occasions if they knew (although maybe they wouldn't need to be told?)

I am now married to a man (he does know and has never raised an eyebrow about it) and have a very happy and settled life. But I feel like this large part of my identity isn't known by many of the people I care about most. And I feel like it's cowardly for me to keep it secret.

Would I be unreasonable to potentially change my family dynamic by coming out when for all practical purposes it's irrelevant now anyway because I'm married? Or am I unreasonable to be so worried when my lovely parents would probably be fine anyway? I feel like I've escaped the horror of homophobic abuse because where I might encounter it I've 'passed' in a way that isn't possible for a lot of gay and bi women. I don't want to minimise how awful that would be, or just assume it wouldn't now affect me.

Sorry for such a ramble. I'm just so confused about it and I don't know what to do.

Wow, have RTHT and it's been an eye opener for me. I am bisexual, always have been, always will be. I haven't had a sexual encounter for 8 years though!

But whether it be with a male or a female, it will be with somebody I'm attracted to, possibly in love with and be ready to commit to them - whatever sex they are.

It reads like bisexuals just want to jump anything going, especially if it's a woman just to get their rocks off. Erm no, some of us are just waiting for that loving relationship with a PERSON.

It’s nothing like ‘don’t ask don’t tell’

That was a policy saying that you couldn’t ask if someone was gay and the gay person couldn’t tell anyone they were gay and if they were found out they’d be thrown out of the army on a non honary dismissal. They had to hide their partners and as a result many people felt they couldn’t start families or live a normal life. Homophobia was wrife and it was common for men to be beat very badly if it was discovered they were gay.

The policy was literally that no one asked and you couldn’t just drop it into conversation.

What people have said on this thread is that there’s no need to hide who you are if it comes up naturally or the conversation goes there but if a happily married person actually did a big coming out as bisexual most people’s reaction would be, and?

It reads like bisexuals just want to jump anything going, especially if it's a woman just to get their rocks off.

I don’t think that’s what people are saying at all. I think the point is less about bisexual people in general and more if a happily married person who has never mentioned their bisexuality before suddenly decided to tell people they were bisexual then the automatic thing to thing would be that they were planning on having another relationship otherwise why are they suddenly bringing it up now.

Yes that was most peoples reaction to me. TBH that's the best reaction but it was a relief. If gay people can come out why can't bisexual people? For me it made me happier and more relaxed. Why is that a bad thing? Why does everyone think it's shoving a kink in their face or asking for attention? Bisexuality is about who you fall in love with.

I agree with that last post Teacuphiccup, I was so busy in wow mode that I didn't consider the OP.

I was with my last partner, father of my children for 10 years, he knew about my being bisexual but it was a non issue because I loved and was committed to him.

It never occurred to me to 'out' myself, although I suspect my family knows - and if they do, so what? Hence it's not worth mentioning. I understand the OP in the sense that internally it can become a big issue to one's self and one's identity, however if I was still married and happily so, it would probably be the last thing on my mind as it just simply doesn't factor unless you're thinking about wanting to act on your emotions. That goes for everybody though surely, the ability to not act on temptation when you are in a relationship.

Sorry just waved my adult son off mid post, lost my rambling train of thought!

@specialsubject why on earth do you think this is about being ruled by sex like a teenager?! Clearly it's more than just hormones and sex...

Do you all think that gay men and lesbians should also not come out to their families unless they are specifically introducing them to partners? Say a lesbian doesn't have a girlfriend until she's 35 - for 35 years should she not say anything and just have people assume she's straight because either no one will remotely care and will just think she's SO BORING and ATTENTION SEEKING for letting her family know or people will be HORRIFIED and DISGUSTED that she's sharing details of her private sex life with them?

If that sounds a bit ridiculous to you, maybe ask why you think the rules are different for bisexuals?

Because gay people need to come out otherwise they end up having to hide their partner or date secretly etc, if you are a woman in a happy hetero marriage then it’s totally different. Then the only people who would be interested are the people who you would share your crushes and past partners with anyway.

I wouldn’t hide who I was but I can’t imagine many people will be interested.

Also I think every one of you saying 'if someone told me they were bisexual I would assume their marriage was in trouble' should question their own prejudices because it's not the fault of bisexuals that you think any sign of them acknowledging their bisexuality is a threat to their monogamous relationship.

I had romantic relationships with women before meeting my husband (married 20-plus years now). I still have friends from that era, who know all about it, but many newer friends/coworkers did not.

But if/when discussions of relationships, etc, arise, I do talk about ex-girlfriends, etc. I see it as striking a blow against homophobia.

if a woman introduces me to her girlfriend i just say 'hello' and we all get chatting as normal people do.

the attention seeking capitals upthread are yours, not the rest of us. normal people in the 21st ce tury dont care who you have sex with. people are taken on their own merits.

top tip - relationship jabber is indeed a bore. get a room.

@Teacuphiccup so gay men and lesbians shouldn't come out until they have partners? If they aren't having to hide a partner because there isn't one, why do they need to come out?

Your view seems to be that there's no issue with people wrongly assuming your sexuality until you have to introduce a partner to them. That just seems so strange to me. Sexuality is part of identity. It shouldn't be controversial to be open about that with your family.

@specialsubject would you want your child to keep their sexuality a secret from you if they were bisexual? Would you think to yourself 'I hope they never share this part of themselves with me because they have a hetero partner and nothing could be more boring or irrelevant to me than knowing what their sexual orientation is.'

Or, would you think that actually you would like them to sit down with you and say 'I know I'm very happily married and, assuming nothing terrible happens, will be with my partner forever but I wanted to let you know that I'm bisexual because it's an important part of my identity and I love you and want to be honest with you.'

What would you say if they did? Would you say 'I don't care, your relationship chat is boring, get a room.'? I don't think you would...

Maybe most people on this thread live in areas where everyone is totally accepting of gay folks? Well, I do not, and in talking about my relationships with women I hope that I am normalizing it and making things safer for LGBTQ people overall.

Also, I found it a pain to keep adjusting pronouns. And where I live, people often have a few questions about being bisexual, which I answer as best as I can.

I used to never talk about my past relationships because I felt that it might subject my husband or my marriage to some sort of scrutiny, but I decided that to stop worrying about that. Also, I have gay siblings and I want the world to be better for them.

@Teacuphiccup so gay men and lesbians shouldn't come out until they have partners? If they aren't having to hide a partner because there isn't one, why do they need to come out?

That’s not what I’m saying at all, I’m assuming gay men and lesbians who don’t have partners may be open for the possibility of having homosexual relationships in the future, but op isn’t, she’s planning on being in a hetero relationship for the rest of her life.

Being gay or lesbian or bi is defined by having or being open to having a romantic partner of a certain sex, it has no bearing on the personality of the person, it tells you nothing about that person except the sex of the people they are open to having relationships with.

I don’t think anyone is saying bisexual should hide their sexuality or pretend that they haven’t had past relationships, the point is that most people will be a bit if a happily married woman completely out of the blue decides to sit everyone down and ‘come out’ and people would wonder why she had decided to do so then.
I don’t think many people spend much time thinking about the sexuality of their family members to be honest.

@Teacuphiccup that may well be true... but it's a bad reason not to come out. If it's an important part of your identity and something that has shaped you and will always be part of you (and bisexuals are bisexual whether or not they are in committed relationships) then I think you should be supported in sharing that information with your loved ones. And if your loved ones think it's weird, or that your marriage must be in trouble, or that you're attention seeking, or that you should have kept it secret well that's their problem because they are responsible for their own feelings, attitudes and prejudices.

I don't understand the need to announce it either. Your husband knows and is fine with you. If there is an inkling to want to experiment then of course go ahead with each others consent, many people do. Or if you feel the need to be included or labelled in something, so as a previous poster did and attend Pride or something similar.

I just don't get it. I've got parents evening in 30 minutes, should I sit and say you do know I'm bisexual don't you?

It's just nobody's business to me unless of course I get another girlfriend, in which case my kids will be the first to know as they'll probably be the first to meet her. I may get a boyfriend... same applies. I'll probably end up a dried up old spinster

But I don’t think the situation she has described is her coming out to loving family members who would want to support that part of her identity.
The thing about identities is that you don’t have to share all of yourself with everyone, and yet they remain part of you. I don’t think it will be in OP’s best interests to come out to her in-laws who sound awful btw.

I mean if she has a burning desire to then she should but she asked what people thought and I think that would cause a drama that isn’t needed.

I would tell my Mam and my family but they know every last little detail of my life and it would be weird not to.

Realistically she’s not going to be ‘found out’ and it sounds like it would cause a big hoohar that she would probably get the blame for.

It's a long thread but I thought she did talk about wanting to tell her parents specifically?

I agree the in laws sound awful and no one should feel obliged to come out to people they know will be unsupportive.

This thread has actually moderated my view a bit. At the start I would have wholeheartedly said come out - it's every queer person's right! You don't have to keep part of yourself secret, you're allowed to live honestly and openly. But seeing some of the really awful attitudes on here makes me think I'm assuming this country is more tolerant of bisexuals than it is. Accusations of seeking drama and looking for attention, that it would be selfish, that it's so inconsequential that even mentioning it proves what an insufferable and entitled snowflake you are. It has really surprised me. And I think that the risk is maybe greater than I thought - I wouldn't dare to come out to a lot of folks on this thread.

I wonder if all the people saying 'no one cares so don't say anything because it's so irrelevant' realise they're just finding a novel way of telling people to stay in the closet? For years queers have been told that just existing is 'shoving their lifestyles in the faces of others' and that they should just be quiet and stay hidden and not make their identities known. And that attitude prevails in every comment here where the poster is pretending they're so tolerant they think it's irrelevant, but are actually asking bisexuals to stay hidden because it's more comfortable for everyone to pretend they aren't bisexual.

I think MyOther has some strong points. I am really interested in this idea that in 2018 no one cares what sexual orientation other people have, or that it is irrelevant-I don't find that to be the case here and I live in a pretty progressive community.

I have met people who tell me that I am the first out LGBTQ person (and first "admitted" atheist, for that matter) that they have ever met. I think that my speaking on these topics is important for them, and it's important to me. It helps me remember the days when walking down the street holding another woman's hand elicited insults and threats of violence (which of course it still does in some parts of the world).

It did take me over a decade of being married until I was able to talk about this stuff with my husband's family. I was actually inspired to do so when our nieces entered their late teens and we started talking with them more about their social lives, dating, etc.

I thought the amount of biphobic and homophobic comments on here was astonishing! Just shows that it is important to be yourself, be visible and speak out against bigotry.

But seeing some of the really awful attitudes on here makes me think I'm assuming this country is more tolerant of bisexuals than it is. Accusations of seeking drama and looking for attention, that it would be selfish, that it's so inconsequential that even mentioning it proves what an insufferable and entitled snowflake you are. It has really surprised me. And I think that the risk is maybe greater than I thought - I wouldn't dare to come out to a lot of folks on this thread.

A lot of the posters who said this was pointless and attention-seeking are gay or bisexual.

Just shows that it is important to be yourself, be visible and speak out against bigotry

Be visible? Attention seeking nonsense.

@GorgonLondon being gay doesn't mean you can't be prejudiced against bisexuals. Even being bisexual doesn't mean you haven't internalised prejudices against bisexuals!