To want to come out?

[Sosososcandalous]

NC in case outing but have been here for a couple of months!

I have been feeling recently that I would like to come out, but I don't know if I am being unreasonable in this.

I am a bisexual woman. I've 'known' since I was about 20 (but had a good few years before that thinking that it was totally not an for straight girls to fantasise about other women sometimes... ).

Had a couple of relationships with girls at uni, was out to my uni pals as bi, but never told anyone in my family. I don't really know why, but the thought gives me huge anxiety. My parents aren't at all homophobic but they are 'sheltered' - they don't know any gay people and although I haven't ever heard them express prejudice, I don't think it would occur to them in a million years that I might be Bi. I'm probably very unreasonable anxious about their reaction, but I just feel like they have a view of who I am that would change if they knew, and I don't know if I am ready for that.

Also, some of my husband's family are homophobic (not his parents but cousins / aunt and uncle) and it could lead to awkwardness at family occasions if they knew (although maybe they wouldn't need to be told?)

I am now married to a man (he does know and has never raised an eyebrow about it) and have a very happy and settled life. But I feel like this large part of my identity isn't known by many of the people I care about most. And I feel like it's cowardly for me to keep it secret.

Would I be unreasonable to potentially change my family dynamic by coming out when for all practical purposes it's irrelevant now anyway because I'm married? Or am I unreasonable to be so worried when my lovely parents would probably be fine anyway? I feel like I've escaped the horror of homophobic abuse because where I might encounter it I've 'passed' in a way that isn't possible for a lot of gay and bi women. I don't want to minimise how awful that would be, or just assume it wouldn't now affect me.

Sorry for such a ramble. I'm just so confused about it and I don't know what to do.

Keep telling yourself that. Anyone in a long term relationship who starts talking about their sexual preferences to their family/friends out of the blue is going to get this face

OP wants to be seen as someone more interesting and special, she's not going to get there, theres nothing cool or unusual about being bi, and theres nothing clever about sounding like a young teen clamouring for attention.

@DougFargo

Not true. My family care. Of course they care. It's not about sex - as anyone without a mind in the gutter would understand. Even if they don't care then why should she mind telling them? It wouldn't matter either way. It's about how you feel. It makes you happier. It made me happier. What family wouldn't want that?

I wouldn’t. Your sexual preferences aren’t relevant to your family, assuming you’re planning on staying married and telling them would be awkward.

A formal announcement would just be weird but there is a whole lot of ground between that and being out and open about your sexuality in everyday life - mention of exes ( someone up thread mentioned a friend coming out because she wanted to be open about the fact that the woman she had travelled with was her girlfriend,not just a friend), crushes - at work people comment on who they fancy,what your "type" is.Hard to have to keep censoring that.
And while lots of people don't care ,some people do.

Doug I think you're making a lot of assumptions that say more about you than anyone else and you're showing a real nasty streak. There's nothing attention seeking about having a quiet word with family to let them know something fundamental about yourself. The truth is if your whole family were labouring under the misapprehension that you were gay when you're actually straight (for example) you'd want to correct them and probably wouldn't be saying 'no one cares it's totally irrelevant'

"@CoteDAzur are you straight? I'm only asking because generally heterosexual people aren't required or expected to come out"

I can think of quite a few things my parents & siblings don't know about me and there is no reason whatsoever for them to be told that includes my sex life and which groups of people I find attractive and how I like to get laid. There was no need to talk about any of that when I was single and there's even less need to share that information with them now that I'm in a monogamous relationship.

If you were into Japanese men, would you feel the need to tell your parents about it now that you are married to a Brit? What exactly would be the point?

This has been a really eye opening thread to me. I’m straight, completely non bothered about other people’s sexual orientation. However when I first read your post OP I thought- why would you come out now, when you’re married to a man? And was going to post that I wouldn’t, and what would be the point. But reading your subsequent posts, and how others have also also explained their situations, of how it’s about who you are as a person, not just who you want to have sex with, I’ve completely changed my perspective. OP ignore the posts saying you’re being a drama queen, your eloquence and calmness in the face of some quite harsh (and sometimes gross ) criticism clearly shows you are nothing of the sort. I get how it could feel like hiding a part of yourself- and that’s it more fundamental than just who you happen to want to have sex with. I’m really grateful to you for writing this post as it’s made me have a lot of more understanding of how someone in your situation might feel.

I honestly couldn't take a 'bi' seriously. Sorry. gets the prize for most ridiculous statement I’ve read on Mumsnet for a long time.

OP - if you’re still around you should go check out Janelle Monae, ( right now!) and Autostraddle website, maybe throw in a bit of Afterellen too while you’re at it.

he truth is if your whole family were labouring under the misapprehension that you were gay when you're actually straight (for example) you'd want to correct them and probably wouldn't be saying 'no one cares it's totally irrelevant'

But they aren't under any misapprehansion, they think she is married to a man, which she is. Anything she used to do is far tmi.

You're married to a man. So right now you're straight living a straight life.

It's making me think you want to cheat, with a woman, that you're so desperate to come out.

I've fancied men and women in my time, but I'm married to a man, so won't be having sexual relations with anyone else of any gender, so surely that means I'm straight?

I don't tell anyone in my family who/what I fantasize about, it's my business, I just don't really understand why you're desperate to tell?

I think that, unless your intention is to actively live a bisexual life, there is no reason to make an announcement to your family.

And if you intend to actively live a bisexual life, there is probably still no reason to tell your family. If you wanted to live as a lesbian, and leave your husband, then maybe that would be the time to tell them.

The OP is actively living a bisexual life, though.

In her head maybe, but why does she feel the need for everyone else to know that?

by all means come out if its important to you, but id assume it meant you were up for ending your marriage and exploring your sexuality to come out officially as an adult who was in a straight relationship.

I guess im bi too as I find women sexually attractive quite often, and have experimented, but im in a monogamous heterosexual long term relationship, so its kind of irrrelevent to me and everyone else now

If a female friend who was married to a man told me they were bisexual, the only thing I would take from that is that their marriage was in trouble.

However, if a friend started being more vocal about lgb rights, attending marches, joining forums, calling out phobic comments I would be proud of them.

Your individual sexuality is no one else’s business other than yours and your partners. Changing the views of society to one of acceptance of any sexual blend is everyone’s business. Hopefully one day being lgb will be as dull and unremarkable as being heterosexual.

Start living your life as you the bisexual. I’m presuming this won’t be vastly different to you as you now, just a bit more active and vocal? If people ask, tell them. If they don’t ask don’t tell them.

I don't understand all the marriage in trouble stuff. The OP isn't planning on telling anyone that she wants to sleep with women. She just wants to be able to admit to enjoying watching Scarlett Johansson and Tilda Swinton as much as she does Tom Hiddlestone and Benedict Cumberbatch, and for people to know that when they are homophobic or biphobic around her, that she will be upset on a personal level.

If I were Welsh and moved to England, married an Englishman, bought a house in England, and lost my Welsh accent, it wouldn't stop me from being Welsh. I might live a life pretty much identical to that of an Englishwoman and have no intention of abandoning my husband and children to move back to Wales, but I would still feel Welsh inside. And sometimes I would want to support a Welsh sports team, or mention a friend I'd made in Aberystwyth, or feel a bit shitty if people made anti-Welsh comments around me, or just get a bit fed up with people assuming I was English. And once they'd assumed it for a while, and made Welsh jokes around me a bit, I might find it a bit awkward to correct them, and start avoiding situations in which my Welshness might crop up.

And saying "actually, I'm Welsh" to people who assumed I was English wouldn't really be a dramatic moment of attention-seeking, or a hint that I planning on selling my house and relocating, but just setting the record straight.

You know that you should be pulling people up for homophobic comments anyway.
You don’t have to say ‘that affects me personally’ to challenge someone.
If she wants to come out she should but saying she has to come out to stop people saying homophobic things around her is sad. I mean I’d be pretty upset if people only didn’t say racist things around me because I was black and they go to town behind my back.

I'm not saying that she has to come out. I'm saying that just because she is married to a man, it doesn't mean that her bisexuality doesn't matter to her.

Whether she should come out our not is up to her, and friends on lots of things, but a lot of people are assuming that her desire to come out is some sort of silly attention-seeking way of talking about sex to all and sundry and that monogamy ends bisexuality.

I'm really disappointed by some of these comments I didn't realise people could be so judgmental, isn't this 2017?

From what I am understanding many people seem to be saying - don't 'come out' just be supportive of lgbt rights, or comment on an attractive women ect -they'll probably figure it out for themselves the 'natural way.' - why do you explicitly need to say anything. It's like a don't ask don't tell or something. THIS IS BIPHOBIA. It's not just coming from straight people either. If it's no big deal why shouldn't she tell people? It's really hard to drop hints - what is this gay 'Taboo'? Maybe people should ask themselves why makes them feel so uncomfortable - you might need to check your own prejudices.

Wikipedia
Biphobia is aversion toward bisexuality and toward bisexual people as a social group or as individuals. It can take the form of denial that bisexuality is a genuine sexual orientation, or of negative stereotypes about people who are bisexual (such as the beliefs that they are promiscuous or dishonest). People of any sexual orientation can experience or perpetuate biphobia, and it is a source of social discrimination against bisexual people.

I didn't realise people could be so judgmental, isn't this 2017?

It's 2018 😂 but yes people are still awful, they just hide it better.

who you want to have sex with is of no interest to anyone except the people you want to have sex with.

i f there is a conversation on the subject, fine - but it is otherwise very boring. who cares? having your whole life ruled by sex is a teenage thing.

I’ve had many people come out to me over the years and my reaction is always kind of “so what?”. It shouldn’t be a massive deal to come out, I’m sad people even have to do that in 2018. It should literally just be as casual as discussing men/women you find attractive, bringing girlfriends/boyfriends home etc and no one batting an eyelid. I hope we get to that stage soon. I honestly just don’t care who people fall in love with, it’s never entered my mind to give a fuck.

I didn't realise people could be so judgmental, isn't this 2017

Judgemental? Because nobody cares any longer who you want to have sex with? Thats not judgement.

THIS IS BIPHOBIA

It's not.

I honestly think that if someone who is in a happy, monogamous heterosexual relationship starts disagreeing with homophobic/misogynistic/ill-informed/downright stupid comments and cheerfully and politely putting people right on such matters, it's more effective than if this someone has recently made a huge performance out of saying 'THIS IS MY SEXUAL IDENTITY RESPECT IT AND PAY ATTENTION TO MEEEEEEEE'.
Because it's easier to dismiss your concerns about prejudice if people think you're showing off or 'going through a phase' than if you are simply saying: look, this bigotry is silly.

Most people who are nice (rather than bigots) are simply not that interested in who you are attracted to, or how you feel about sex, unless they are interested in having sex with you.