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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to come out?

302 replies

Sosososcandalous · 02/05/2018 12:55

NC in case outing but have been here for a couple of months!

I have been feeling recently that I would like to come out, but I don't know if I am being unreasonable in this.

I am a bisexual woman. I've 'known' since I was about 20 (but had a good few years before that thinking that it was totally not an for straight girls to fantasise about other women sometimes... Hmm).

Had a couple of relationships with girls at uni, was out to my uni pals as bi, but never told anyone in my family. I don't really know why, but the thought gives me huge anxiety. My parents aren't at all homophobic but they are 'sheltered' - they don't know any gay people and although I haven't ever heard them express prejudice, I don't think it would occur to them in a million years that I might be Bi. I'm probably very unreasonable anxious about their reaction, but I just feel like they have a view of who I am that would change if they knew, and I don't know if I am ready for that.

Also, some of my husband's family are homophobic (not his parents but cousins / aunt and uncle) and it could lead to awkwardness at family occasions if they knew (although maybe they wouldn't need to be told?)

I am now married to a man (he does know and has never raised an eyebrow about it) and have a very happy and settled life. But I feel like this large part of my identity isn't known by many of the people I care about most. And I feel like it's cowardly for me to keep it secret.

Would I be unreasonable to potentially change my family dynamic by coming out when for all practical purposes it's irrelevant now anyway because I'm married? Or am I unreasonable to be so worried when my lovely parents would probably be fine anyway? I feel like I've escaped the horror of homophobic abuse because where I might encounter it I've 'passed' in a way that isn't possible for a lot of gay and bi women. I don't want to minimise how awful that would be, or just assume it wouldn't now affect me.

Sorry for such a ramble. I'm just so confused about it and I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
FlyingElbows · 02/05/2018 17:04

My daughter is a young lesbian woman. It has absolutely zero influence in our relationship. None. At all. We couldn't care less. We care about who she is as a person, the young woman we nurtured and adore. Her sexuality is her own business. It's not a hammer she needs to hit people with to be "validated" or something. Surely the quickest way to have people not make a big performance about your sexuality is to not make a big performance about it yourself? It doesn't affect anyone else and really nobody else cares.

Op I can see absolutely no point at all in you making a big announcement and tbh all the "phobic" this that and the next thing just sounds very much like the other screechers waving their "Notice me! Notice me! Notice me!" flags. As an adult married woman in a monogamous relationship what do honestly expect it will achieve other than whispering and a book opening on how long before you're cheating on your husband? What does he think about it?

Teacuphiccup · 02/05/2018 17:04

To be fair to lesbians and bi people I do think there is a subset of straight people who say they are bi for a bit of experimentation and this makes it difficult for both lesbians and bi people.

Original poster
Sosososcandalous · 02/05/2018 17:06

@Joanna57 I'm sorry you had that experience and I'm sorry it has left you so prejudiced as a result. You don't have to take me seriously but that's your problem, not mine.

OP posts:
Teacuphiccup · 02/05/2018 17:07

A lot of my lesbian friends have had their fingers burned by women who say they are bi but actually bail out when it starts getting serious so I can see where the resentment comes from.

Like I say I think it makes it more difficult for both bi people and gay people.

Original poster
Sosososcandalous · 02/05/2018 17:08

@FlyingElbows if you had read the thread you would know that a) I have no intention of making a big song and dance and have clarified this several times and b) that I have (again, several times) indicated that my husband has expressed his wholehearted support for me coming out if it's something I decide to do.

OP posts:
SmashedMug · 02/05/2018 17:09

To be fair to lesbians and bi people I do think there is a subset of straight people who say they are bi for a bit of experimentation and this makes it difficult for both lesbians and bi people.

There may well be that subset but to use those people as an excuse to label all bisexual people with certain behaviours etc would still be biphobic.

AbsentmindedWoman · 02/05/2018 17:09

Oh, interestingly, the remarks I've had were always framed in the context of bisexual women as a class. So very much "you seem really nice, but bisexual women are X/ always do X" so perhaps that's why my experience of the (small minority! was not an everyday occurrence!Grin ) people who have treated me like this is that that's their general view.

It was never said as "oh you'r bisexual, that's cool, but not for me, thanks".

Teacuphiccup · 02/05/2018 17:11

I’m not labelling bi people with those behaviours I’m saying that it’s difficult to tell whose genuinely bisexual and who falls into that camp and therefore I can understand why some lesbians might not want to take the risk when starting a relationship with a bi person.

DJLippy · 02/05/2018 17:14

@sosososcandalous if I was you I'd leave this thread I don't think everyone butting in with their tuppence is that constructive. I think we should both go and find something better to do with our afternoon - it's lovely outside. Come back when it's died down and skim for any useful advice, ignore the haters and then do what you know is best. I don't think lots of the commentators are really interested in helping you just want to prove a point or make snidey remarks about your bisexuality. Have a Biscuit and a Cake - YOU know why you get two Wink

Lunettesloupes · 02/05/2018 17:16

There are unavailable men and women of all sexualities. Bisexuals don’t have the monopoly on bailing out when it gets serious

Original poster
Sosososcandalous · 02/05/2018 17:16

@DJLippy truly excellent advice which I think I will take! Thank you for being lovely and sensible and giving such good advice! Here's to Biscuit and Cake for all Wink

OP posts:
SmashedMug · 02/05/2018 17:17

I didn't mean you personally 😂😂😂 I was referring to the numerous lesbians out there who do actually seem to do so and will say lovely things like "bisexual women always go back to cock" etc because they label all bisexual women based on the subset you mention.

Teacuphiccup · 02/05/2018 17:19

For the millionth time, I’m not talking about bisexuals. I’m talking about straight people who pretend to be bisexual for a bit of flirting and kissing but have no intention of taking it further.
And anyone who’s ever been a to a gay bar ever must know that that’s really common.

And like I’ve said a million times it’s just as damaging to the bi people as the lesbians.

BrendasUmbrella · 02/05/2018 17:19

So what has it to do with anyone else?

Absolutely nothing. That's the point really...

Teacuphiccup · 02/05/2018 17:20

That was at lunette

Joanna57 · 02/05/2018 17:22

sososo

I am not prejudiced. I was, once, but not now.

To coin a cliché, I have a few gay friends and I very much enjoy their company.

I have a gay aunt (or two), an openly bi female cousin (no one takes her seriously because she 'flits' and is rather boring about it)

I feel totally comfortable around gays, but not so much around bi people. I dare to say that a lot of people feel the same.

I just don't feel safe around them. My DH had a weird episode with a bi man. Weird in the way that that very same man had also shown an interest in a female friend of ours as well.

Now that was very 'opening'.....for him.

AbsentmindedWoman · 02/05/2018 17:23

I can't remember which year it was, but London Pride did a sort of inclusivity thing a few years ago encouraging bi people to join in celebrating Pride. The lgbtq community is well aware of the strands of biphobia and bi erasure.

FloraFox · 02/05/2018 17:23

However it's biphobic to insinuate or say outright (depending on how blunt the speaker) that I'm not valid for a relationship with another woman, because I belong to a particular class - bisexual women.

It's anti-woman to call a woman a shaming name because they won't consider you as a sexual partner for any reason whatsoever and lesbians bear the brunt of this with bisexuals and trans identified males expecting validation from them.

BrendasUmbrella · 02/05/2018 17:23

It’s a sad reflection of our society’s undercurrent of misogyny that a woman wishing to openly express her sexuality is called an attention seeking drama queen

I think it's more that she has chosen to openly express her sexuality with the person she is married to. She said she has no intention of expressing her sexuality with anyone else. So telling people that if she wasn't in love with her husband - though she is - she might have been with a woman - though she's not - is just a bit unnecessary.

Teacuphiccup · 02/05/2018 17:24

Why on earth wouldn’t you be safe around bisexual people?
That’s one of the oddest things I’ve ever heard.

Teacuphiccup · 02/05/2018 17:26

To be frank I think OP should be true to herself and she has nothing to hide, it’s more the ‘coming out’ that’s unnecessary. She should just drop it in whenever the conversation goes to a place where it’s relevant.

AbsentmindedWoman · 02/05/2018 17:27

*I feel totally comfortable around gays, but not so much around bi people. I dare to say that a lot of people feel the same.

I just don't feel safe around them.*

Yeah, biphobia totally doesn't exist at all Hmm

SegmentationFault · 02/05/2018 17:28

"I am not prejudiced."
"I feel totally comfortable around gays, but not so much around bi people."

Right then, no contradiction there. Hmm

Teacuphiccup · 02/05/2018 17:30

I have to say as well that my Mam lost a lot of friends when she went out with a man after being with a woman for so long. It was tough because she had been absorbed into the ‘lesbian’ scene and she felt she couldn’t go to the groups anymore.

TrippingTheVelvet · 02/05/2018 17:34

Tbh OP it smacks a bit of but I want people to know I'm an oppressed person too whine. Except having the privilege of being in a heterosexual relationship so without the actual oppression.