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Original poster

Over reacting to husbands new female friend?

638 replies

Orangeblosssom3 · 02/05/2018 11:32

Me and DH have been going through a tricky patch. And while on the computer yesterday I saw on his (open) tab on social media a message from him to a woman saying ‘I’ve still got your scarf with a grinning emoji.

She replied sorry, thanks, do you want to meet for coffee to get it back, and also to discuss x a shared interest.

He replied we can meet to ‘talk about anything you fancy’ grinning emoji.

Oh damn! Feel sick. I checked the woman’s profile, she’s 20 years younger and has a boyfriend but otherwise is just his type. DH has not mentioned this at all. He only went on social media a few months ago and she was the first person he became friends with.

What to do now? Embarrassed about admitting that I peeked on his page. I think I was a little worried. Years ago he got very friendly with a woman at work, got a crush on her I think, it never got physical but they discussed our relationship and used to also meet for coffees. We went to counseling where he realised that was insensitive.

OP posts:
Graphista · 05/05/2018 16:39

Erm good interesting or bad interesting? Confused

maddening · 05/05/2018 16:48

If you can bear to then bide your time, get evidence and get prepared - good luck

StoneStripes · 05/05/2018 18:23

Agreeing v much with Jaipo's post.

Not specifically in relation to this thread, but more generally the assumption that you'll just meet someone else regardless. It kind of annoys me when posters say ".... and then you'll meet some really nice man like I did ..." as if its a done deal Shock. The reality is much more variable and I've met lots of single mothers who remain just that for all the reasons Jaipo outlined. Its not a reason for staying with someone, but this reality is rarely alluded to on MN.

Graphista · 05/05/2018 18:43

I've remained single cos I Cba with all the hassles of a relationship. Sex is findable. Suits me fine to stay single. But I appreciate not everyone is the same.

JaiPo · 05/05/2018 18:55

Thanks stony stripes and sorry for derailing.

Graphista in a good way. Atm my mother is angry with me but that came about after i was hurt by something she did. I avoided her for a month. Then when she got back in touch i told her she had hurt me. She instantly got angry with me. Old me would have tried to get her to understand but it is so futile. I told her id leave her with her anger if she felt it was justified. Now im not initiating contact. I know she will be telling every body how rude and cruel and ungrateful i am. So in the midst of this, i found your post on the broken wine glass thread very good reading.

MyFriendFlickaWasAHorse · 05/05/2018 19:22

It kind of annoys me when posters say ".... and then you'll meet some really nice man like I did ..." as if its a done deal shock

Well, that quite clearly wasn’t what I said. And I’ve clarified what I meant already when @jai responded to me, although she hasn’t actually acknowledged that, but hey ho. I won’t clarify again as don’t want to derail from the op any more than already has been.

JaiPo · 05/05/2018 19:31

If I didnt name you then i dont think I meant to "call you out", also i could see you were resonding to a comment that you wanted to challenge.

So without addressing anybody in particular ill just say that if you're in a bad relationship and hesitant to leave it because of the low chance of meeting somebody committed to you in your late 40s or older, that might not continue to seem dreadful. That fear might just be pre-adjustment. I think i know myself and have a very good sense of myself which seems more valuable to me now than it would have done ten years ago when i felt so srlf conscious about being single.

Sorry for confusion or offense. Brew

Original poster
Orangeblosssom3 · 05/05/2018 22:00

It’s all useful stuff to read here, thank you posters. There is a harshness to the reality of women like me. We are older, have children, responsibility. We are not running away. It will be tougher for me.

I know DH would get a woman straight away, partly because he wouldn’t think too deeply or expect too much. He’d get a younger woman not seeing that one day she will probably want kids.

DH planned to meet a young woman because he knows that he can and he’s diminished my value. I can’t let myself be demeaned like this. I’m not sure if it means leaving DH or not yet. Sadly it probably has been broken. He’s texted a few times just to say he’s so sorry, and that he will stay away for as long as I need.

I just know I cannot let my husband chase pretty girls and give him my love, warm family life, whilst my heart breaks in little pieces. That’s how it felt before and I’m not going back to that lonely place.

Had a great day with the kids by the sea. We found shells and crabs in rock pools, then we had chips. It was fun! They did ask where Daddy was and I just said he was staying away for a while, but he’d see him next Saturday. Felt bad not knowing what to say. I told my sister we’d just had a disagreement, but she can tell it’s way more serious. I think she knows. She told me that whatever it was, he was a fool.

OP posts:
DeadGood · 05/05/2018 22:04

The way society is structured is shit for women as they get older.
Sorry, that’s probably not what you need to hear right now OP. It’s great that you have your sister with you. Being busy and supported can only help. Hope you have a lovely day tomorrow too.

loudaloneknows · 05/05/2018 23:18

I think what he had last time was way more than an emotional affair if he was sexting. No wonder you were so hurt by it. And while you were pregnant too: what a lowlife.

Whatever happens next, don't minimise what that was x

JaiPo · 05/05/2018 23:25

You will be ok OP. You won't give your love to a man who chases after pretty girls. This is really palpable reading your posts. SO many women in your shoes don't have this core sense of their own value.

x

seventh · 06/05/2018 05:50

She told me that whatever it was, he was a fool

She's right. He's an idiot.

Please try not to get hung up on meeting someone else. I know it can seem important but truly, your self respect is so much more important

Sometimes we can ( I know I have) lose sight of how crucial our 'self' is, how crucial it is to stand tall and only allow others to treat us with dignity and admiration

ThanksThanks

malificent7 · 06/05/2018 05:57

In my experience op tge one demographic that love older women are younger men! It's the experience!

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 06/05/2018 12:34

I just know I cannot let my husband chase pretty girls and give him my love, warm family life, whilst my heart breaks in little pieces

Actually want to cry reading that.

OP, you’re handling this with serenity and dignity. Sounds like sis has your back too when you decide to share recent events.

Big love x

Graphista · 06/05/2018 15:30

"In my experience op tge one demographic that love older women are younger men! It's the experience!"

That's been my experience too. The younger guys are definitely interested for short term, not so much long term though.

Snugglywithmycat17 · 07/05/2018 06:21

It doesn’t matter about finding someone else right now and not helpful for the op to think about that.
At the end the of the day he has been caught a second time, how many other times has he been naughty and not been caught?
Marriage counselling has been done and he still disregarded the family. I’m sorry but u can’t trust this man and staying with him would take all your confidence. U deserve more.

Brokenandconfused · 07/05/2018 22:15

How are you today OP? Been thinking of you x

Gemini69 · 07/05/2018 22:51

just read this entire thread... utmost respect to you OP.. you have handled this incredibly well ... Flowers

Monty27 · 08/05/2018 03:29

I will always remember this thread as scarf gate

ChunckyMonkey · 10/05/2018 00:18

All I want to know is, did she get her Scarf back?

Luisa27 · 10/05/2018 07:32

@Orangeblossom Flowers
Thinking of you

Monty27 · 11/05/2018 00:40

I bet the young woman who's scarf he has doesn't give one iota of ever seeing it again and probably cringes at his attention.
He has form.
He's a potential cheat. And most certainly a liar. Sorry.
I hope things get better for you op.

Original poster
Orangeblosssom3 · 11/05/2018 13:10

Thank you again for your posts. I’ve been struggling this week. I had a wonderful weekend with the kids and my sister, I felt in control and relieved that I wasn’t imagining or over exaggerating.

DH is still living away and the reality of separation has hit me. I found it very hard to concentrate at work and listless with the kids. I’m seeing a solicitor next week.

I don’t even know whether the scarf has been returned! I still don’t know where it is. I guess I’ll never know what really happened.

OP posts:
TwittleBee · 11/05/2018 13:15

Sending you so much love and well wishes. I hope that this horrible stage in your life swiftly goes by and you can enjoy your life Flowers

Original poster
Orangeblosssom3 · 11/05/2018 13:21

Thanks so much @twittle and your compassionate and wise posts, it’s like a world collapsing! I’ll get through it.

OP posts: