Over reacting to husbands new female friend?

[Orangeblosssom3]

Me and DH have been going through a tricky patch. And while on the computer yesterday I saw on his (open) tab on social media a message from him to a woman saying ‘I’ve still got your scarf with a grinning emoji.

She replied sorry, thanks, do you want to meet for coffee to get it back, and also to discuss x a shared interest.

He replied we can meet to ‘talk about anything you fancy’ grinning emoji.

Oh damn! Feel sick. I checked the woman’s profile, she’s 20 years younger and has a boyfriend but otherwise is just his type. DH has not mentioned this at all. He only went on social media a few months ago and she was the first person he became friends with.

What to do now? Embarrassed about admitting that I peeked on his page. I think I was a little worried. Years ago he got very friendly with a woman at work, got a crush on her I think, it never got physical but they discussed our relationship and used to also meet for coffees. We went to counseling where he realised that was insensitive.

I think that's the point though here HopefullyAnonymous it was never open and nor did he intend it to be. Then there's his history of emotionally cheating before too.

Op not obsessive. Hurt and confused which is completely understandable and natural. Weirdly a scarf was what convinced me I was on the right track.

Hopefully: then yours is an entirely different situation, isn't it? Both of your partners know. It's not a secret. I assume you're not deleting those flirty messages.

Yes it's possible to have an entirely platonic friendship with someone. When I was nineteen I met and became really good friends with a lovely guy twenty years older. Ten years later, over the years, we've become the best of friends, with many shared interests and lots of experiences we've been through together. There has never been the slightest sniff of anything romantic whatsoever, not once. we're both the types to have lots of friends of both genders, we met at a voluntary job doing the same shift.

Did I hide it from my partner at the time? Flirt? Delete messages? Not once. I knew his wife from the start because I'd swing by their home to pick him up to go to a shift, and pop in for coffee. I became close to the family and babysat their young child who is now a strapping teenager and as close to being my nephew as anyone unrelated could be! And every partner I've had during the years has been introduced as if he's meeting my family.

That is how you have a normal platonic friendship, not what the OP's husband is doing. Transparency. Non flirtatiously, unless everyone involved knows and accepts.

I just read about your husband sexting his ex OW, oh man. That makes this even worse. He has form.

If I met someone in a cafe, had a chat and parted ways, and realised they'd left an item behind, I'd leave it behind the counter for them. I wouldn't bloody pick it up. Like PP say, it's a token, an excuse to contact, a secret thrill he's been holding onto for three months either for kicks or a reason to see her again.

He is actually a scumbag.

Hope you are ok OP. You have handled this in a really calm way by protecting yourself and showing self-respect and you should be proud of yourself. Hope you stay strong

There is no question that your dh has been threatening your relationship with his behaviour. You must be devastated.
Unfortunately even though you have received such a body blow you do need to think and plan carefully. It is not in your interests to react in anger.

The chances are that your dh has been going through some mid life crisis. So many men do. He wants to know that he is still attractive to young women. Hopefully he has enjoyed his secret crush and it hasn't gone any further.

I'm my experience, middle aged men, with a healthy bank balance can always attract young women. The men are too silly and conceited to realise that these women are attracted mainly by the life style that they can offer.

I guess if you split up with your dh he will be able to find a new partner quite quickly. You say he is attractive, has a good income etc. He is also looking for excitement, we know.

You have a lot to lose. If you think you can salvage the relationship, on your terms, I would consider that.

I know mine won't be a popular view on here. I do wish you well in whatever direction you decide to take.

I agree that there was no reason for him to pick up her scarf if she's not someone he sees regularly. He should have handed it in at the cafe and told her where it is. Hanging on to it and the flirty texts are OTT especially when he'd been warned about this sort of crap before.

You have a lot to lose

er, no, she does not.
Is it really worth keeping someone who makes you feel so horrendous just because he could get someone else quickly... that he will do the same to.

Seriously, this is about self worth and OP needs her DH to behave how a loving respectful partner should. It is not her job to accept less, and feel worse - just to keep him.

I've always said, there is no point in fighting for a pile of poo. It still stinks after you've won it.

OP I hope you have a lovely weekend.

You have all the power now. Just think about what YOU want. If it's for him to stay away for another week, a month, whatever, while you make up your mind - that's for you to decide. I don't think you should feel that you have to go through with anything - such as a divorce - if you decide it's not for you. Equally, if you realise you can do without him, well there you go.

I guess I'm just worried that there's a whole gang of us MNers chanting "leave him! Leave him!" in the background and that might be unhelpful.

Being married is difficult, people make mistakes. If this one is a dealbreaker for you, so be it. I can imagine how much it must hurt.

Good luck xx

I guess if you split up with your dh he will be able to find a new partner quite quickly

I’m sure that’s right. And? Why on earth does that mean the op should put up with him? I’m sure most people could find a new partner quickly. It doesn’t mean they get to treat their spouses disrespectfully. As if you have to dig your claws in and hang on to your man / woman. How dignified .

It's sad. He's almost a good husband but his entitlement to fun, his entitlement to be flattered, his entitlement to excitement. He doesn't feel he's doing anything wrong when he's pursuing girls in coffee shops.

MyfriendFlicka, well I haven't found a partner in ten years. Because I was the one stuck with children. 100% responsibility. No freedom. No man wants that. Having learned so successfully to be alone though, I'm not sure it's worth 1) the effort that goes in to dating and looking and 2) the risk that is taken when you take a chance on somebody. So even if you feel that a decision to stick with partner or split up is based on the likelihood of meeting somebody else it should still be noted that those feelings and those fears change as time goes by. I left my x knowing that I'd settled for him because I never met anybody right for me and was unlikely to in the future, encumbered with DC, but I still made the right decision.

Have a lovely family fun day OP

OP, I have just read all your updates through.

You are a very level headed and mature person! I admire the way you have handled things.

@jai

“What man would want that?”

Well, tbf, I think it takes a certain kind of woman who will happily and successfully become stepparent to young children.

Anyway, my point was that the op’s husband’s hypothetical ability to easily attract a new partner is neither here nor there. It was a bit of a random thing for @user to come out with in all honesty and not at all helpful for the op.

My Dh could probably pick someone up quite easily if he wanted to. It doesn’t mean I’d put up with him doing what the op’s Dh has, especially after he had an EA while the op was pregnant and knew how distressing it was for the op. This new interest has indeed threatened their marriage. I don’t know how I’d forgive that, and the fact he could find a new partner really has nothing to do with it.

I guess if you split up with your dh he will be able to find a new partner quite quickly

And?

Why does that matter?

All it means is that some other poor woman will be made to suffer his selfishness some time down the line.

Having the ability to get a partner isn't some sort of achievement life goal

We're not 14.

@seventh

Quite.

Exactly.

I just had to challenge the idea that everybody meets somebody else. It is unrealistic.

I haven't found a partner in ten years. Because I was the one stuck with children. 100% responsibility. No freedom. No man wants that.

I think this is just your situation. Many other women with children find a partner. I know some IRL and lots of MN members are single parents and have gone on to new relationships.

It wouldn't be right for women with children to think they'll be alone forever.

I just had to challenge the idea that everybody meets somebody else

Sorry, but I think you may have misread my original comment about this. I didn’t say everybody did I said most people could, (hypothetically speaking), pick up a new partner quite quickly - I’m certainly not saying that the hypothetical partner would even be a pleasant or remotely suitable one. I was making the point that snagging a man / woman is really not some sort of wonderful achievement.

Anyway, this has taken an enormous and unnecessary derail. Sorry op. Hope you’re enjoying your weekend.

User147 have you not heard of the "pick me dance" that's what you're advising op to do.

He's already done it once before, they had counselling, he KNEW how much this could hurt op and he DIDN'T CARE he still went ahead and behaved very poorly.

True Sandyk2 but it is FAR from unusual! Having no freedom lowers your 'value' as a date / prospect and it took me a few years to accept this. I started out believing Id meet somebody who valued me for me, but men want a fun life. I'll admit I only dated about 5 men in the last ten years though. All in the last 5-6 years.. some rl, some OLD. Makes no difference. I think it's a socio economic thing too. I work and have goals and plans that I prioritise over dating. Some people would have different priorities or might be free during the day. I am not. I have a very ordinary job and no family support so I really am 100% responsible for my dc. A lot of men think you're exaggerating.
It's also and age issue. Men my age without children are not quiiiiite old enough to have excepted it's v unlikey now so they chase after women who could take or leave them.

Ive found peace with all of this but have to steady myself and offer a bit of reality to posters who think that meeting somebody is an inevitability.

Graphista I dont know if it was on this thread or on another thread but i found your comments about family dynamics very interesting.

I work and have goals and plans that I prioritise over dating

Good! You sound, well, normal.

And I agree, so much better to get turned off by OP's wandering eye and giddy behaviour around young women than to try and get him to choose to value you.