Over reacting to husbands new female friend?

[Orangeblosssom3]

Me and DH have been going through a tricky patch. And while on the computer yesterday I saw on his (open) tab on social media a message from him to a woman saying ‘I’ve still got your scarf with a grinning emoji.

She replied sorry, thanks, do you want to meet for coffee to get it back, and also to discuss x a shared interest.

He replied we can meet to ‘talk about anything you fancy’ grinning emoji.

Oh damn! Feel sick. I checked the woman’s profile, she’s 20 years younger and has a boyfriend but otherwise is just his type. DH has not mentioned this at all. He only went on social media a few months ago and she was the first person he became friends with.

What to do now? Embarrassed about admitting that I peeked on his page. I think I was a little worried. Years ago he got very friendly with a woman at work, got a crush on her I think, it never got physical but they discussed our relationship and used to also meet for coffees. We went to counseling where he realised that was insensitive.

Well done OP. You’ve been really brave and I’m
So glad you’ve asked him to leave. It’s exhausting to be constantly looking over your shoulder or to feel like something is wrong and not be able to put your finger on it or do something about it.
You’ve made brilliant steps to one way or another be happier in the future. Enjoy your weekend and focus on that feeling of freedom and positivity. Xx

OrangeBlossom you have my utmost respect. I suspected this strong woman with such resolve was in there, and she is. Let that person guide you over the next bit. Listen to her. And some of the amazing posters up thread.

You are not alone. 💐💐💐

I feel like I’ve been able to take control for the first time since DH had conflicted feelings and commitment issues throwing us into turmoil. I’m devastated but my doubt about myself has totally gone. I actually feel pretty alive! I’ll cope with this one day at a time. Starting with a trip to the seaside with the kids tomorrow and my sisters on Sunday for good conversation, silliness and the use of their amazing treehouse

This is just excellent to read, i'm really pleased x

Don’t fret if you have a wobble and your strength feels like it’s fading at times, it’ll come back as it’s inherent now, I can tell from your last post

Keep this in mind too, it won't always feel like you do at the moment. Stay strong, and in your weaker moments don't be afraid to feel the negative sides too. It all comes as a package, just don't let it crumble your resolve x

It's great that you're having some space from him so he can't muddy your thoughts and feelings with half truths.

I’m not actually convinced he’s done anything that wrong.

I have a friend who I briefly met through work; he’s a contractor for a company I used to work for. I’m 30, he’s late 50s. We got on like a house on fire and over the last three years have met up every few months for coffee/dinner. He’s involved with a sport at quite a high level (organisationally) and I’ve stayed in a hotel with him in relation to this, separate rooms obviously. We are both quite flirty people and this does make up part of our messages, but nothing has ever happened. Nor would it. I’d be mortified if his wife thought there was something going on!! We both just enjoy the companionship and shared interests. People really can have totally innocent friendships.

If you’re unhappy with the situation though then it is different. You need to talk to him.

Hopefully - your perspective is skewed because you are an emotional ow yourself.

Would you behave with your friend the way you do if you were in a relationship? Would you be happy to read the messages you exchange if you were the wife in this scenario?

Please stop. You are damaging someone else's marriage. That's so far from acceptable.

@HopefullyAnonomous

I’m glad you’ve posted this Hopefully .
It gives a slightly different, much needed, perspective

He’s gone to his brothers house to stay.

Very wise posts thanks so much. I feel ok now so will use that energy to get good things done. I have a lot of amazing friends too, I’m lucky. I think it will really sink in soon and I probably will have a rollercoaster of feelings. I’ve lost the family I thought we had. The thought of ending it and telling the kids... horrible.

I don’t know why but I keep thinking about that scarf. Him not dropping it off or leaving it in the cafe. DH taking it. Keeping hold of it. Hidden. As if he was keeping that possible/real affair as a secret treasure to open when he wanted. That’s a betrayal I physically feel.

Hopefully I certainly wouldn't be happy if I was the wife and you were sending flirty texts to my husband. Who's betting she doesn't know!

The scarf bothers me. Is he saying she left the cafe without her scarf so he went over and picked it up ?

I'd be worried she'd left it in his car, or somewhere were they had meet together!!

That's a bit strong, Graphista. I don't agree with HopefullyAnonomous's post but she's entitled to post her views on the subject; they are actually pertinent.

OrangeBlossoms has taken the advice that she wants from this thread and is moving on with what she needs to do. The only person who has damaged her marriage is her husband, don't blame a random poster for that, just because you don't agree with them.

Back to OrangeBlossoms, bloody well done! :)

Yes, well done Orangeblossom!
Hope you have a relaxing weekend with your sister, and that in time things work out for you x

@hopefully this may have been okay for you/him and your spouses, been open and respectful. I can’t really judge. However my DH did not sleep with the woman he was having coffees with when I was pregnant. I think anyway. Yet I did leave him because of it. And I was deeply, deeply hurt. Traumatised actually and suffered stress in late pregnancy and early months of parenting. It hurt as much as if they’d slept together.

Why? Because he lied. Because he broke my trust.Because he was regularly flirting with another woman when I needed him to be like that with me. Because he shared intimacies with her, like difficulties in our relationship. When he should have tried to solve them with me.

Because he chose to put his best side on for her, increasingly, and not me. Because the intensity began to grow and they texted daily. Because they were growing feelings for each other. Flirting turned to sexting. The mundane and difficult things we as a couple faced were neglected as DH got off on the free, thrilling. no strings emotional affair. It took months for us to repair.

Yes he’s saying she left the scarf in the cafe, and he picked it up.

My first thought when I read it was, did he drop her off? Had they kissed? Had they slept together? Still not sure I only have his word for it. And why keep it so long?

op you are doing so well and sound so strong. I am so glad you are getting support in real life.

Actually that was very restrained compared to what I thought! Especially considering that's been posted on a thread where the op is the wife in a similar scenario and clearly hurt. It's dismissive of op's feelings and I thought hugely insensitive and inappropriate.

I don't hold with the view oft cited on mn that the ONLY person responsible for an affair is the cheating spouse. If you know someone is in a marriage/relationship you DON'T flirt, have inappropriate conversations that would hurt their spouse, do anything to suggest you have romantic feelings for them at all in fact. It's not hard.

Many thanks @graphista lying Luisa Ijust mama raffish emmasmum Twittle and all

It might be telling how DH decides to give back scarf now. Sorry must sound obsessed, am not really just whirrings in my mind.

Graphista, I think we're at cross-purposes. I'm saying that you should not be blaming Hopefully for OrangeBlossoms marriage, whatever your views are on OW/OM.

Orangeblossom you don't sound at all obsessed. This is all very new and is bound to be whirring around in your head. This is your thread so feel free to post on it as you like.

I agree with @Graphista totally Direspectful.
You just do not flirt with another mans wife. Whether you think its innocent or not. That's crossing a boundary!

Orange- Well done you for standing strong! He is wrong in all he has done and the way he has done it. Don't ever let anyone tell you it's okay!

Ah no, sorry, Graphista, I'm the one at cross-purposes. You mean Hopefully's chum's wife... doh!

Sorry Orangeblossom, I'll shut up now. I absolutely agree with your posts and this struck a chord with me, it's SO true.

... Because he lied. Because he broke my trust.Because he was regularly flirting with another woman when I needed him to be like that with me. Because he shared intimacies with her, like difficulties in our relationship. When he should have tried to solve them with me.

Because he chose to put his best side on for her, increasingly, and not me. Because the intensity began to grow and they texted daily. Because they were growing feelings for each other. Flirting turned to sexting. The mundane and difficult things we as a couple faced were neglected as DH got off on the free, thrilling. no strings emotional affair. It took months for us to repair.

He should bin the bloody scarf - in front of you OP!

It would be a nice gesture towards his supposed contriteness ...

Op....do you actually have any respect left for this man ?

He didn't learn a fucking thing from the last time he put you through this. And that is just the incidences you know about...

He is one sad act. It's just a matter of time before one vulnerable woman responds to his "charms". If it hasn't happened already, that is

Men like this like to fish. They keep fishing until something bites. He will cry and make empty promises. But the compulsion to fish until he hooks up will not go away as it is engrained in his psyche

Well done for you telling him to go while you process this.

The scarf was a trophy. A way to reopen contact. A reminder of his exciting frisson. She probably thinks both of you are fixed in some sort of weird marital dance and wants no part of it...hence her blocking you. Don't get tarred with his brush.

Graphista I’m married. The man in question came to my wedding, as did his wife. If it’s in the open and fine with everyone involved then friendships like this can exist. That’s the point I was trying to make, that OPs husband isn’t necessarily up to no good. Whether OP is happy is totally up to her; no one should be forced to put up with things they aren’t comfortable with.

I am not the OW, emotionally or in any other way.

Orangeblosssom3 in no way are you coming across obsessive btw! Don't you think that! It's still fresh for you and you're allowed to want to know answers or over analyse things. Granted, it probably won't help you as you'll never know everything. I know how you feel though, everything going through your mind and picking out ant small details. I've been there and totally get it.

And yes you're right, it's the lying and not being open with it and that he don't all that with his history of previously destroying your trust and emotions first time round too.

Sending you so much love. I really hope you and the kids have a nice sunny weekend xx

Hopefully - so your husband has NO problem with the flirty messages? Has he even seen them/know about them? Has your friends wife?

I'm open to consenting non-monogamy. If it IS COMPLETELY open that's a different scenario.

The difference is op HASN'T consented to any of this, it is directly against what she and her husband agreed were the boundaries of THEIR marriage so the dh IS in the wrong and he knows it. Because if he didn't he wouldn't have been so secretive, initially denied it all, gas lighted the op with talk of depression and loneliness...

Not the same. AT ALL