Over reacting to husbands new female friend?

[Orangeblosssom3]

Me and DH have been going through a tricky patch. And while on the computer yesterday I saw on his (open) tab on social media a message from him to a woman saying ‘I’ve still got your scarf with a grinning emoji.

She replied sorry, thanks, do you want to meet for coffee to get it back, and also to discuss x a shared interest.

He replied we can meet to ‘talk about anything you fancy’ grinning emoji.

Oh damn! Feel sick. I checked the woman’s profile, she’s 20 years younger and has a boyfriend but otherwise is just his type. DH has not mentioned this at all. He only went on social media a few months ago and she was the first person he became friends with.

What to do now? Embarrassed about admitting that I peeked on his page. I think I was a little worried. Years ago he got very friendly with a woman at work, got a crush on her I think, it never got physical but they discussed our relationship and used to also meet for coffees. We went to counseling where he realised that was insensitive.

Friends don't send flirty messages. If she was just a friend she would be happy to accept your request. He has obviously been talking about you.

He says it isn't an affair, but there is so much you don't know about this man that can you actually believe anything?
Does he still have the scarf? If not where is it? Why was he hiding it and how would he get it back to her? You need to read between the bullshit here. Deep breath and think long and hard!

Sorry cross post...

He knew exactly what it was leading to! What's worse is, he knows he wanted it to go further and he is full of complete bullshit!

You sound strong OP. You’re handling it really well.

FWIW I don’t think they had a physical affair from info you have provided.

Seems to be a case of silly old fool, chasing a young girl and using ‘im lonely’ as an excuse. If she had given the green light, it probably would of been physical.

Still a betrayal and I don’t know how you put it right or trust that it won’t happen for a 3rd time.

What he's saying to you and what he believes are not the same thing necessarily.

Given you already had ah issue like this before AND had counselling regarding it I find it VERY hard to believe he is as naive as he claims.

The past issue means he should've known not to even THINK of going anywhere near a similar situation again!

Of course he knew what he was doing. It wouldn't all be kept secret and leaping on his phone if he didn't know he had something to hide.

Plus it is not the first time.

I know once that trust is broken it’s very hard to believe again. Especially if there are deleted messages. Why hide them.

In some ways, I can believe it hasn’t been physical, because his emotional affair was not physical, yet, but it would have been, but perhaps been the excuse to leave me. Either way the betrayal is there. I asked him how he’d feel now if I had been keeping up a friendship over a shared interest with a man half my age, going to meet for coffee, keeping his bloody scarf as the excuse to see him, and not telling him?

It’s the secretiveness, and the horribly cliched middle age older husband and young woman scenario!

He honestly could not see the potential crap this was leading to. I really don’t think he did.

Really? He's an intelligent 48 year old man.

I must admit my view is clouded by my own experience, but I think he's talking a load of bollocks. Well done for telling him to leave.

Having some space and time to think is what you need. Probably best now if you talk to people in real life who know you both and wil lbe able to support you and give you the best advice.

OP you are so strong and I admire how well you are handling this! Remember it's totally ok if you do have a break down or cry a bit. You are an amazing mum and woman who deserves respect. 💪

keep quiet. don't tell him that you know. maybe turn up to coffee with a friend and just bump into them.....

He knows exactly what he's doing. You're so strong asking him to leave. You deserve to have time to think about things.

OP my dad did a similar thing years ago. He was older about 60’s. He had a young women working in his business. He was her boss. They went to some business lunches together etc. She then moved out of the Country. They would email and he sent her flowers for her birthday etc.

My mum found the receipt, he showed my mum the emails. Nothing flirty, just general chat. Although he did say he missed having her around, in a ‘jokey’ way ie business meetings are more boring without you etc! It was never physical (dad on medication etc)

My mum went ape shit, she thought it was inappropriate and no way for a married man to carry on! She left and came to stay with me for a few days.

As far as know my dad never did it again.

Last time did you ask him to move out?

Do you think he will take it seriously this time? Do you think he knows how enraged, upset, betrayed you feel? Can he see what he did wrong?

Sigh - mountains - that post is a good example of why posters need to rtft or AT LEAST op's posts.

Thread has moved on a great deal.

Agreeing with lots of Luisas post. Seems like you had a good conversation. Maybe another one when you've had some time to recover. Don't worry about "updating" MN, try and have a good weekend and some rest. Only you know both you and your DH and what to do. Give yourself some time to recover your strength. Good luck.

He knows exactly where his message was leading. It's very disappointing that instead of dignifying you with the truth he's tried the 'silly old naive fool' route instead. He's a 48 year old man with experience in dating and hitting on women, I assume he's not extremely stupid or has some kind of issue which makes it difficult for him to manage and read social cues. He's disrespected you even further by talking to you like you're an idiot. I'm so glad you saw through it.

As for the scarf, how did he end up with a scarf from someone he met briefly once a few months ago? That makes zero sense. Even if he had somehow walked off with a female scarf he'd have dropped it back off at the cafe, not struck up a relationship with her.

And he has been so sneaky. If I met a new guy who shares my interest (which is very male dominated) the first thing I do is mention it to my partner in a 'how cool, I ran across someone who likes the exact same thing as me! I added them to Facebook so we can meet up at the next event', because why wouldn't I? Why would I have to hide it? I've swapped details in front of my OH and he hasn't batted an eyelid because there's a good reason for it and it's all honest. If I was hiding it from him it'd look dodgy because the only reason to hide it would be if it was dodgy! And if I meet up with the person before an event we're both at, I tell him of course. And he's always invited.

Sorry, I know you know this, but everything about his actions screams guilty as sin. What a twat.

What WalkingOn says.

OP if it helps to have a comparator , through the work I do I've become friendly with various good-looking male (and female) young people who are at least 18 years younger than me.

I've met up with a few of these young men for coffee or even a drink one on one before to discuss collaborating or stuff or even, if particularly friendly, a catch up. But my husband always knows because there's nothing to hide! And if, as has probably happened given our schedules, I might not have mentioned in advance that I'm meeting Young Man today, as DH knows I'm friendly with them, were I to mention it later he wouldn't be surprised. As he knows they're friends and work colleagues and has met them at events with me or they've been round to the house. In fact for one of them, who DH has met many times, DH and I made a special trip together to see YM perform at some awesome thing and took him out to dinner. Because he's our mate, and given he's so much younger we feel paternal rather than lechy towards him.

Oh, and none of these YM I met in a random cafe and discovered that - what a coincidence! - they shared my interest. And I also have equivalent Young Women friends who DH and I have had round for dinner.

Do any friends he makes have to be young attractive women? Is he inapable of making friends with his peers?

I misread this post by @FrancisUnderwood on first reading as:
"is he incapable of making friends with his penis?"

Swap 'with' for 'without' and you have a Freudian misread which I think sums it up.

He sounds like a complete and utter bullshit merchent to me; and like he thinks you were born yesterday. And i would put my right arm he is already shagging her.

Ah op I mean this kindly but he's playing you for a fool here and you're letting him do it. He has actively pursued this woman, he reactivated his social media accounts to do so. His deciding to "come clean" was nothing to do with her tipping him off you tried to add her on Facebook I'm sure. He's someone with form for pursuing other women, he's not some innocent who doesn't understand social norms

Some of these posts are unhelpful in the extreme...

Op you've done incredibly well and you have been so strong and dignified. Do yourself a favour now and take plenty of time to assess everything and work your own feelings out before making any big decisions. What happens from this point on is all up to you, don't waste the opportunity to do what's best for yourself and your child/ren x I wish you all the luck in the world, and i hope so much that you have a better future as a result of all this, whatever you choose to do X

youre a strong woman OP x

I’ve had a bit of time to read all your posts, really fantastic advice thank you all so much! It’s amazing I think it gave me the steely resolve I feel I have now.

And I feel like you get it, and I’m not mad, or paranoid. I could tell DH I’d looked at his phone and not feel an ounce of shame and he saw that. He did this. Not me. He minimises but this thread makes me see that this is in no small deal! He knows exactly where this could have been headed. Possibly even had been physical too I don’t know all the facts. Who does keep a young pretty woman’s scarf that they met casually in a cafe, and add on social media, chat, ask to meet, when they are married with young kids?

I feel like I’ve been able to take control for the first time since DH had conflicted feelings and commitment issues throwing us into turmoil. I’m devastated but my doubt about myself has totally gone. I actually feel pretty alive! I’ll cope with this one day at a time. Starting with a trip to the seaside with the kids tomorrow and my sisters on Sunday for good conversation, silliness and the use of their amazing treehouse.

Orangeblosssom3 have a great weekend lovely

I feel like I’ve been able to take control for the first time since DH had conflicted feelings and commitment issues throwing us into turmoil

Bloody good for you, you don’t have commitment issue after you’ve married and had 2 young kids! That’s just, well, fucking unacceptable and ridiculous. Something a manipulative person does to excuse their behaviour! Particularly with the blaming you, for being paranoid, current sobbing, to get out of explaining!

Kick him right in the cock! Stay strong, make decisions on your terms. Enjoy your weekend, my heart goes out to ❤️ X

Good for you OP.

FWIW, my OH and I aren't the type to look on each other's phone, we know the passcode (well I've forgotten his cos it's six digits haha) but both believe in privacy and tell one another if we're picking it up to use it for something if the other person is outta sight. It's just respect.

But we had the discussion after a year or so if how we feel about 'snooping' and both agreed that given our views on privacy, we know completely that for one of us to feel the need to check the other's phone, we trust they'd have a damned good reason to do so and would focus on that reason and what they worried they'd find (or found) and let the snooping go as being a symptom rather than the problem.

Someone who goes around habitually breaking their partner's right to privacy and checking all the time for no good reason is being out of order, but someone checking because they have reason to suspect is just being smart. You've done nothing wrong at all.

You deserve better. If my OH was scheming to meet a woman I'd never even heard of, deleting messages, purposefully not mentioning her to me, activating social media to add her and using a possession as an excuse to see her (seriously you'd just drop it off!), I'd be done. I know it's not that simple, you have kids and you're married. But he doesn't even need to have physically cheated, he's disrespected you and put this new woman first already.

Does anyone you spend time with know about all this? I hope you have support cos you're riding the wave now and feeling pretty alright, but at some point you'll crash again and I hope you have support.

Where has he moved out to?

Much respect to you @OrangeBlossom3

Don’t fret if you have a wobble and your strength feels like it’s fading at times, it’ll come back as it’s inherent now, I can tell from your last post.