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Original poster

Over reacting to husbands new female friend?

638 replies

Orangeblosssom3 · 02/05/2018 11:32

Me and DH have been going through a tricky patch. And while on the computer yesterday I saw on his (open) tab on social media a message from him to a woman saying ‘I’ve still got your scarf with a grinning emoji.

She replied sorry, thanks, do you want to meet for coffee to get it back, and also to discuss x a shared interest.

He replied we can meet to ‘talk about anything you fancy’ grinning emoji.

Oh damn! Feel sick. I checked the woman’s profile, she’s 20 years younger and has a boyfriend but otherwise is just his type. DH has not mentioned this at all. He only went on social media a few months ago and she was the first person he became friends with.

What to do now? Embarrassed about admitting that I peeked on his page. I think I was a little worried. Years ago he got very friendly with a woman at work, got a crush on her I think, it never got physical but they discussed our relationship and used to also meet for coffees. We went to counseling where he realised that was insensitive.

OP posts:
Luckystar1 · 04/05/2018 08:46

Delurking to say I’m thinking of you OP.

Can I also say you are stronger than you will ever know. I don’t know how your chat went but if it was bad news, then do know that today is Day 1 of your new life, today is potentially one of the hardest days you’ll ever have, but tomorrow, you will have survived Day 1, and you’ll already by on Day 2.

I believe in you.

crispysausagerolls · 04/05/2018 09:02

I really hope that it went well, but I have a feeling that it didn't due to the lack of update. We are here for you OP 💖

Shedmicehugh1 · 04/05/2018 09:38

patchwork my comments were more in relation to the continuing to snoop once you have found what you suspect, he is messaging other women etc. The ‘over snooping’ for days on end and it driving you mad!

Anyhow OP I hope you are as ok as can be, given the circumstances Flowers

Downeyhouse · 04/05/2018 10:34

I hope you found out where you stand and he was honest with you.

I had the same experience and uncovered a full blown 3 month affair.

I ended our marriage and have never looked back. OW did not last I moved on bought a House and 2 years later met the most lovely guy. We have been together several years and he is the most respectful kind man who loves me dearly.

There is life after an affair - whatever you choose to do I wish you happiness.

Original poster
Orangeblosssom3 · 04/05/2018 13:01

Sorry for taking so long to post back. It was a long night!

DH has left for a while. I asked him to go. I need a while to gather my thoughts.

We had a very, very long talk. I didn’t admit to looking at his FB, but did admit that I’d checked his phone. I said I knew that there had been changes in him, knew there were deleted messages, felt very insecure about his lack of commitment and that I’d had enough. I said I wanted full, complete honesty now. I told him that this wouldn’t necessarily change my feelings, but out of care and respect for me as his wife.

I felt really, really calm strangely. I just kept repeating that I knew that he behaving differently. And I wasn’t going to live a life constantly looking over my shoulder anymore. I told him how harrowing it was whilst pregnant to be fobbed off when my instinct was right, and how humiliating and devastating his seedy crush on his work colleague had been.

He started by saying he understood, that he had been neglectful recently, that he thought he had become depressed. He was cross at first I’d checked his phone and said he was worried I’d become obsessive, but then took it back and said sorry he knows he crossed the line and it’s understandable.

He then said that he had no friends and felt like all he ever did was look after everyone else and thought he was going to crack up. When I reminded him I also looked after everyone and also had his shit to deal with whilst pregnant, feeling unloved and alone whilst carrying his child, he just started sobbing. He said he was still ashamed and had let me down.

He said at first he wasn’t doing anything like having an affair, emotional or otherwise, but that he wanted friends, wanted to just feel unburdened sometimes. Started stumbling over his words.

We talked about a lot of other stuff to do with us and our relationship.

I went to bed tired and disappointed that he hadn’t said anything.

Then he came upstairs after pacing around the kitchen for what seemed ages. He said sorry, he’d not been up front. He took out his phone and showed me all the messages between them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Orangeblosssom3 · 04/05/2018 13:01

Sorry need to go will update later.

OP posts:
SunshineandRain18 · 04/05/2018 13:06

I'm thinking of you OP I'm guessing this means he has had an affair! I'm furious for you!

We are all fighting your corner! You need to think about what YOU want now. You will be so much better off without him!

Make sure he has the kids this weekend though so you get time to recharge!

Graphista · 04/05/2018 13:10

I remember what a night like that can be like. So sorry you're going through this. We are all here for you - to let you vent, analyse, to how advice if required.

Don't expect too much of yourself. Just have drinks, eat if you can, reach out for real life support if possible (it is NOT your shame it's his). FlowersBrew

FrancisUnderwood · 04/05/2018 13:11

He is not the victim in all this.

Do any friends he makes have to be young attractive women? Is he inapable of making friends with his peers?

Don't fall for it again.

JiminyBillyBob · 04/05/2018 13:15

What an absolute arsehole.

Graphista · 04/05/2018 13:15

Yea his friends don't have to be potential affair partners.

Shedmicehugh1 · 04/05/2018 13:17

How did you show you all the messages between them, I thought he had deleted them?

magoria · 04/05/2018 13:18

Funny he showed you all the messages after he had a while alone with his phone.

Trust yourself. You are not wrong on this.

SecretStash · 04/05/2018 13:18

What a wuss he is.

RatRolyPoly · 04/05/2018 13:20

I also remember what a night like that is like.

You sound like you handled yourself exceptionally OP. You did yourself a credit.

I suppose where you go from here depends on the content of those messages... But whatever the future holds it sounds like you have all the guts and determination to make the very best of it.

TwittleBee · 04/05/2018 13:22

Flowers OP, firstly don't be apologising about not updating sooner or having to go! You aren't obligated to update us! We being here for you; to support you and offer advice xx

Secondly, I get sooo frustrated when people claim depression as an excuse for cheating. As someone who suffers from depression (often tipping into suicide attempts) I get infuriated that people use this as an excuse. Do not let him use that as an excuse and to make you feel pity for him! He should be seeking you for support not the OW!

Thirdly, PP hit nail on the head - why does he have to make friends with a pretty, young woman who appears to have no connections to him? And if he is feeling lonely perhaps he should be talking to you about this?

Lastly, pamper yourself, make yourself feel good - maybe go shopping or have a sunny weekend with your kids somewhere away from him. Remember, you deserve honestly, loyalty and love xx

LeChatDeNuit · 04/05/2018 13:28

Yes, depression is no excuse for cheating. I’ve suffered with episodes of depression all my adult life and I’ve never cheated on anybody. It’s a tactic in hope of sympathy.

I’m glad he’s gone and you have some space. I hope you do something nice for yourself today.

Shedmicehugh1 · 04/05/2018 13:29

Men who have done nothing wrong don’t sob, they explain. Sobbing buys you some time to think of excuses.

Original poster
Orangeblosssom3 · 04/05/2018 13:30

He said it wasn’t an affair. He said that they met 3 months ago in a cafe. He used to work sometimes in the evening in a coffee shop. He said she was with a group that used to meet. They got chatting when they mentioned hobby and realized they all had a common interest.

He said they haven’t met since then and that’s how he got her scarf.

OP posts:
TwittleBee · 04/05/2018 13:33

Orangeblosssom3 how did he get the scarf....? If you do want to stay with him, which is perfectly reasonable to do so because you are obviously together for a reason, he needs to respect you and cut all ties with this woman. Personally I think it is very suspect still because he wouldn't be deleting messages from a friend nor would the OW delete your friend request if there was nothing going on between them.

Original poster
Orangeblosssom3 · 04/05/2018 13:34

He said he’d deleted some messages, as he does usually delete old messages (true) and that he’d linked her in to a X hobby conference and she had done the same, that they had chatted about x hobby on messages but that they had other common interests too.

OP posts:
LeChatDeNuit · 04/05/2018 13:35

Why didn’t he mention her at any point?

LeChatDeNuit · 04/05/2018 13:36

And where is the scarf? Why is it hidden from you?

Luisa27 · 04/05/2018 13:39

Don’t worry one jot about updating us @Orangeblossom, you have enough on your plate at the moment. And you’re dealing with it all so well, sending you a big hug.

I feel for your DH too having heard what was said last night. Only you know if he’s a good person at heart - we don’t - and we aren’t in your relationship . You’ve shared a life and children with him, and you’ll inherently understand him, whereas none of us can even begin to. I think this sounds like flirting rather than an affair - and none of us are perfect. Maybe this is his weakness, we all have them - and we all deal with the stresses of life differently. Not condoning - simply reflecting. For what it’s worth, I feel he loves you. Reading your update of your conversation together last night made me feel quite emotional...which I didn’t expect.
Really hope you’ll be happy OP x

Original poster
Orangeblosssom3 · 04/05/2018 13:44

I asked him why he responded in a flirty (seedy) way to her. Why now he suddenly decides to give back the scarf. He said he’d got a message from her about a cancelled event and that prompted him about it.

He said he knows he’s 48. He said he knows it’s silly but that he meant nothing by it. He asked if I met men for coffees sometimes. I said no, and if I did I’d tell him. But why would I be meeting a man half my age? So why would he? He accepted it was really stupid of him. He said he was sorry.

That’s when I asked him to move out. I’m not sure it hit him until then. He just packed his bag and left first thing this morning.

He honestly could not see the potential crap this was leading to. I really don’t think he did. Even if this is all true. What worries me is that every single one of you posters could see where this message was leading, that it was obvious he was flirting and chasing. And yet he did not. I said why on earth would you hide this and he said he didn’t think he had, that they had not met up yet.

That’s exactly how it happened last time. I think he fooled himself then that it was totally innocent until it escalated. He has not learnt. I’m not sure what to think now but I don’t want him around until I do.

OP posts: