Over reacting to husbands new female friend?

[Orangeblosssom3]

Me and DH have been going through a tricky patch. And while on the computer yesterday I saw on his (open) tab on social media a message from him to a woman saying ‘I’ve still got your scarf with a grinning emoji.

She replied sorry, thanks, do you want to meet for coffee to get it back, and also to discuss x a shared interest.

He replied we can meet to ‘talk about anything you fancy’ grinning emoji.

Oh damn! Feel sick. I checked the woman’s profile, she’s 20 years younger and has a boyfriend but otherwise is just his type. DH has not mentioned this at all. He only went on social media a few months ago and she was the first person he became friends with.

What to do now? Embarrassed about admitting that I peeked on his page. I think I was a little worried. Years ago he got very friendly with a woman at work, got a crush on her I think, it never got physical but they discussed our relationship and used to also meet for coffees. We went to counseling where he realised that was insensitive.

I’d be replying to her, blocking her and then confronting him!

EllaV - No and a thousand times NO!

"she sounds like an attention seeking little bitch. No one has 1000 real friends and put up videos of them doing gym. What is she? A stripper!?"

Do not talk about other women like this
! Just because YOU are happy to live with a low life sneaking cheating arse - no doubt you blame all the other women! If a man gave two hoots about you in the very first place he'd never do what yours has done. End of.

Tutru replying to her she hasn’t messaged?

Agree there really is no need to bitch about this woman. It could be that as far as she knows, the op’s Dh is free and single. And anyway, she doesn’t owe the op anything. Unlike the man who made marriage vows and two dcs with the op.

@ellaV

he’ll do it again as sure as night follows day

He hasn't changed his spots. Late 40s? He's not likely to. This is who he is and he won't change and you're better off without him OP.

ellaV whilst I don't agree with you using stripper as an insult (I used to be one!) I do want to say good on you for finding your own way in your relationship. That's all anyone can do in life. Many people think a betrayal can't be recovered from, but that can be a self-fulfilling prophecy!

Personally I think you can move on after a betrayal. But two...? Not so much.

When you confront him I wonder if he will downplay it and try to turn it around eg "I knew what your reaction would be to me going for a coffee with her so didn't tell you".

This really doesn't sound good what with deletion of their previous messages. The most concerning part is that you've never heard of her before.

The fact that he has form for this too. If this isn't an affair then I'd say he's trying to turn it into one. And even if it were innocent, hiding a female friend from you is going to do the exact opposite of regaining trust.

And don't feel ashamed of peeking. Do you know, I do not make a habit of doing this but have snooped in the past when I have had a gut feeling, and subsequently found something that would have been a deal breaker had I known. Every time!

Good luck OP

Agree - don't be ashamed of peeking, you are doing what you need to do to protect yourself and your children.

Catching up op and just want to send you stay as strong as you can be and always watch the finances.

Personally I know this sounds difficult as you want to have it out with him but get financial advice first. Why can’t yiu see the main accounts? Not acceptable

Revenge is really a dish best served cold.

I’m not sure I agree with snooping, you either trust someone or you don’t. If they give you reason not to trust them, then have it out with them!

Also the calculated approach of gathering evidence, their financial arrangements, ‘getting what’s yours’ I hate. Simply don’t marry someone like this ffs!

Shed

Brilliant advice but unfortunately lots of people do marry wonderful people who then turn out to be people like this so you need to protect yourself and your children.

Ffs yes it’s true

Surely you marry someone who shares with you what they have and vice versa? Im not sure how it becomes different? If the arrangements before marriage were you have different accounts, which are totally yours. Doesn’t sound very ‘wonderful’!

Trust if you cannot trust someone and are continuously looking over your shoulder. Marriage is dead!

What happened to ‘old fashioned’ emotions and feelings!? Communication! I’d be bloody fuming, sod the finances! That’s for a court to decide!

Since when did it become about staying calm, waiting for weeks, sleeping in the same bed and damage limitations! I hate this cold, calculating approach! If you love someone, show some passion! Communicate! Get angry! Set your boundaries!

I really, really hope that the chat gives you the outcome you need - whatever that may be

He’s agreed to a chat and is upstairs putting youngest to bed. We will talk later. Not looking forward to it. what a stupid waste of a marriage to chance it over coffee.

Hope it goes ok for you. I don't know what ok would be.

My heart really goes out to you OP.

Best of luck tonight xx

Deep breaths. I’ll be thinking of you

Hope The Chat is going okay.

Thinking of you

Thinking of you OP. It's a sad fact indeed, but I think it's safe to assume it isn't just a coffee he's wasted a marriage over. But on the positive, he may yet be man enough to tell you the truth. I hope so because you deserve it.

Hope all goes well - thinking of you

Don’t let him gaslight you into thinking you’re being paranoid and controlling and turn it all on you. His behaviour is completely inappropriate and he knows it. I would be very vague about what you know and just ask him what’s he’s got to say for himself about this other woman. Don’t let on what you know/ how you know until he’s given you his version of events.