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Original poster

Over reacting to husbands new female friend?

638 replies

Orangeblosssom3 · 02/05/2018 11:32

Me and DH have been going through a tricky patch. And while on the computer yesterday I saw on his (open) tab on social media a message from him to a woman saying ‘I’ve still got your scarf with a grinning emoji.

She replied sorry, thanks, do you want to meet for coffee to get it back, and also to discuss x a shared interest.

He replied we can meet to ‘talk about anything you fancy’ grinning emoji.

Oh damn! Feel sick. I checked the woman’s profile, she’s 20 years younger and has a boyfriend but otherwise is just his type. DH has not mentioned this at all. He only went on social media a few months ago and she was the first person he became friends with.

What to do now? Embarrassed about admitting that I peeked on his page. I think I was a little worried. Years ago he got very friendly with a woman at work, got a crush on her I think, it never got physical but they discussed our relationship and used to also meet for coffees. We went to counseling where he realised that was insensitive.

OP posts:
Original poster
Orangeblosssom3 · 03/05/2018 15:27

@banana and pret I know that is exactly what he will say, that it’s just coffee.

He’s always been popular with women as a confident, and used that to say I was wrong with his initial emotional affair. It was only when I eventually found a bill with his itemized texts then that I saw it was 10, 20 sometimes 30 texts a day while I was 7 months pregnant. Flirting a lot. It was only then DH saw it was wrong.

OP posts:
PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 03/05/2018 15:28

She’s got a very long term boyfriend on her FB Page.

That means nothing you know. Sorry to sound harsh but she could have the wee boyf at home for domestic life and your H on the side to fill in the “shagging an older man with money” glamour femme fatale life.

I’d never have thought about checking bank account transactions but I would encourage you to analyse and request the bank to itemkiss as much as you can. It is more likely than not that he’s been splashing the cash on this bird, a very real motivator in girls in their twenties being attracted to older men.

Money = Status = Power.

And for fucks sake if he’s got a limited company get your financials in order I cannot cannot stress this enough.

Littlemuster · 03/05/2018 15:35

My thoughts were sugar daddy because they would have likely met on a website. (You had no idea how they met)
He is being suggestive in messages, she has a long term Boyfriend however a sugar daddy especially for a student or similar is seen as a transaction and not associated with a relationship as such. He sounds like a reasonably high earner and is being financially secretive.

Original poster
Orangeblosssom3 · 03/05/2018 15:43

Yes he’s very successful and a high earner. I want to know how they met.

OP posts:
PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 03/05/2018 15:44

IME it’s usually work.

Original poster
Orangeblosssom3 · 03/05/2018 15:56

Oh just double checked her time line. She was in a long term relationship, broke up a month before DH went on FB! Oh god.

Feel like confronting. You know that awful pain where you just want to scream. We’ve been sleeping together all this time too. I have to know. DH will stonewall me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Orangeblosssom3 · 03/05/2018 15:56

It’s just she’s working in a totally different area.

OP posts:
Original poster
Orangeblosssom3 · 03/05/2018 15:57

I’m texting DH and just saying we need a real talk this evening. I can’t bear this.

OP posts:
2018SoFarSoGreat · 03/05/2018 16:00

OrangeBlossom my heart is aching for you. This is such shit. So very sorry this is happening.

You sound so very strong, and rational. You know this is what your gut is telling you. Don't torture yourself more. Just focus on making sure you will be okay in the long run. Without him. He really does not deserve you. 💐

Shedmicehugh1 · 03/05/2018 16:01

Good for you OP. Good luck, don’t stand for any shit Flowers

Okaynowimconfused · 03/05/2018 16:02

Have you text him OP? I'm not sure that's the best thing to do. That will help prepare him for whatever you have to say.

Really sorry you're going through this SadFlowers

SnobbyShores · 03/05/2018 16:06

Pfft - only he has access to the main bank account??? Utter nonsense. He has WAY too much control in this relationship. He must think he can get away with anything.
That is not normal, I'm sorry you've had to deal with such crap for so long.

Run....run for the bloody hills!!! And get a bloody good solicitor!!

RatRolyPoly · 03/05/2018 16:08

Flowers Flowers Flowers for you OP, you do what you have to do. You can do it.

SnobbyShores · 03/05/2018 16:09

Just read your message about texting the other woman and his 'emotional affair' rolls eyes when you were 7 months pregnant.

That's all I'd need to know. What an arrogant prick. LTB!!

Original poster
Orangeblosssom3 · 03/05/2018 16:11

@okay I know he will prepare. It’s not strategically the best. Sent it now though. Saying we need a chat about us.

I guess I’m full of rage and unanswered questions, and now they’ve changed their meeting to next week and I’ve no clue how long it’s been, what they’ve done, I don’t know what to do. I guess I want to see his face, I’m not sure what to reveal or not, weirdly I’m still not liking having to have snooped, it might make the conversation about me snooping, rather than what the hell is going on?!

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Original poster
Orangeblosssom3 · 03/05/2018 16:14

@snobby I know it was gutting at the time. I left him. He was so remorseful and contrite, we eventually worked through it. He made a lot of changes and stuck with it. Tough though and it damaged our relationship.

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RatRolyPoly · 03/05/2018 16:17

But you were supposed to be allowed to snoop! And the reason for that is his breaking your trust the last time this happened!!

So don't for one second let this be about your snooping. Let it remain fully about the fact that once before he gave you cause to be worried and it turned out he had something to hide, and now once again that you've had cause to worry once again there has been something to find.

And god damn, don't for one second feel bad about finding it, because despite his promises to be honest and open with you he clearly gave you no other way of knowing this about the goings on in your own marriage WITHOUT you finding it yourself!

TwittleBee · 03/05/2018 16:21

Yup, everything RatRolyPoly has just put! And besides, he was the one who left Facebook opened on a tab so you didn't "snoop"!

Tentomidnight · 03/05/2018 16:26

Hand holding OP. I understand you having to confront him.
Have you got screenshots or photos of his messages saved somewhere secure?

Shedmicehugh1 · 03/05/2018 16:36

What do you want the outcome to be OP?

  1. He denies everything, says they are just friends.
  1. He tells you everything, exactly what you suspected.

Then what?

Original poster
Orangeblosssom3 · 03/05/2018 16:52

I want to draw a line. I want to make it clear I don’t want to carry on with wondering about social media. I’ll ask him how come I’ve no idea who these people are.

I don’t know what he will say or not say. If he leaves his phone when putting DS to bed I will try looking again. I want him to leave really so that I can think.

OP posts:
Laiste · 03/05/2018 17:03

I'm guessing he'll minimise and get shirty.

ellaV · 03/05/2018 17:03

Hi orange blossom,

  1. I'm so so sorry
  2. he's a total idiot given the last time
  3. she sounds like an attention seeking little bitch. No one has 1000 real friends and put up videos of them doing gym. What is she? A stripper!?

I caught my boyfriend out last year by looking on his WhatsApp, and scrolling down when in messages to 'archived' (I did it completely by accident) but found some really graphic texts that showed me he was sleeping with at least three other women when we first met.. one of them a married woman with kids.
Anyway, I went bat.shit.crazy and I made his life hell for months. We are over it now. He told me he's a different person now to who he was back then, and I think he's right.
HOWEVER - he wouldn't ever be so stupid as to do anything that would give me the slightest inkling he'd be at it again. He earns great money and we have a lovely life, but he knows I'd leave him if he so much as dipped a toe in a cafe to meet a woman for coffee.

Personally, and I know it's REALLY easy for me to say, but I think you should really give it to him this time. Ask if this little 'bunny' is worth being an 'every other weekend' dad for.

Lots of love to you... and wine xxWine

Shedmicehugh1 · 03/05/2018 17:28

OP forget about his phone.

Just focus on what you want.

Would you be happy if he deleted SM again, had no more contact with her? Seems like the simple solution. However, im not sure how you would know. Or even if it’s not going to soul destroying having to keep thinking and worrying about it.

You’ve done counselling, I’m really not sure how you rebuild trust. Other than him sticking to his word. Can you trust his word?

Do you think he would leave, if you asked? To give you some thinking time.

Rattail · 03/05/2018 17:28

Good luckFlowers he must know by noe that you know. Hope he doesnt delete messages etc

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