Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Over reacting to husbands new female friend?

638 replies

Orangeblosssom3 · 02/05/2018 11:32

Me and DH have been going through a tricky patch. And while on the computer yesterday I saw on his (open) tab on social media a message from him to a woman saying ‘I’ve still got your scarf with a grinning emoji.

She replied sorry, thanks, do you want to meet for coffee to get it back, and also to discuss x a shared interest.

He replied we can meet to ‘talk about anything you fancy’ grinning emoji.

Oh damn! Feel sick. I checked the woman’s profile, she’s 20 years younger and has a boyfriend but otherwise is just his type. DH has not mentioned this at all. He only went on social media a few months ago and she was the first person he became friends with.

What to do now? Embarrassed about admitting that I peeked on his page. I think I was a little worried. Years ago he got very friendly with a woman at work, got a crush on her I think, it never got physical but they discussed our relationship and used to also meet for coffees. We went to counseling where he realised that was insensitive.

OP posts:
StoneStripes · 03/05/2018 12:52

Some excellent posts here. I hope they are helping you OP.

It looks like the 'detective' route is unlikely to yield much - it would probably have been a long shot anyway and have take a lot of technological snooping which can be difficult.

I suppose one of the main things your left with is to confront him. If you do this I think surprise is of the essence (though he may be alerted by the FB friend thing, hard to tell, he still has a lot of explaining to do, and he doesn't know how much you know).

You could just say simply you know about the girl and want the full story and whole truth now. Don't interrupt him or argue with him or get emotional - just sit there and let him keep talking. Make sure he is the one talking (not you). If there are silences you can prompt him: how long he's known her, where he met her, etc. Of course he won't know how much you know, so you will (a) be getting hopefully some filler information and (b) seeing if it aligns with what you know, admittedly factually not all that much. You could throw in a random "has she ever been in your car" right at the very end (but only when you have exhausted everything else as its a minor detail and he might think you don't know much then). That might confuse him i.e. whether to lie. If he says "no" you could say how did you get her scarf? Through all this, everything, play close attention to his body language.... Before the scarf thing you could even say you want to see all the messages between them now - as he's an IT expert he should be able to get them back to you. If he's deleted them ask him why. You can say can you meet her - if its supposed to be innocent he shouldn't have a problem with that. And so on .......

Its only one course of action possibility. Only you know him, yourself and your history together and the best course of action for you. Nobody else here knows all that. So ultimately how you deal with it really depends on all of that. Mine is only one suggestion.

P.S. One thing that did strike me re. the stupid comments and grins is - is he rather immature or something. Its all very Benny Hill. Quite odd, not even actually sexy.

Finally, at least its bank holiday coming up. If its feasible (leave him with the childcare) and you feel like it - you could take yourself off to a really swanky hotel, get a top room, spa etc. and look after yourself fully for a couple of days. It might also give some well needed rest.

StoneStripes · 03/05/2018 12:59

the scarf thing very last, if at all ... remember he may think you know everything he knows. he may see him sweat. make sure its a quiet time, without children make sure the door is locked don't get emotional if you can help it so he has no excuse to storm out and gather his thoughts ...

StoneStripes · 03/05/2018 13:00

you may see him sweat! maintain close eye contact!

LeChatDeNuit · 03/05/2018 13:12

I agree that it’s not looking likely snooping will reveal anything. I would follow StoneStripes excellent advice. I hope you’re okay OP.

ChunckyMonkey · 03/05/2018 13:25

FB message the other girl and say do you think it is appropriate behaviour for a young woman to organise coffee dates with a married man with children.
She will will be scared off and then confront your husband.

SnobbyShores · 03/05/2018 13:27

Great advice from Stonestripes and Placebo

flyhigh · 03/05/2018 13:56

Do not message the OW!! The blame does not lie with her.

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 03/05/2018 13:57

@ChunckyMonkey that’s literally the worst advice on this thread. All that would be gained is making the situation worse.

ChunckyMonkey · 03/05/2018 14:00

It would scare her off and make OH realise that thier relationship is inappropriate

WalkingOnAFlashlightBeam · 03/05/2018 14:13

I'm so sorry OP.

Don't message the other woman obviously. It's just gonna make you look unhinged.

RatRolyPoly · 03/05/2018 14:19

It would scare her off and make OH realise that their relationship is inappropriate

God, you may as well phone her up and play "Jolene" down the line as well! Does not do much for one's self-esteem and dignity, I can assure you.

Luisa27 · 03/05/2018 14:20

Oh gosh, well said stonestripes!

Luisa27 · 03/05/2018 14:23

P.S. Whatever you do, please don’t message the OW

Graphista · 03/05/2018 14:27

So now you know for a fact he's lied to you about spending time with her. He's a snake!

"I actually feel like the whole hobby thing is just a cover story for the affair." I agree

Half asleep and his screaming instinct is to grab his phone - another black mark!

Emmasmum it's NOT nonsense - many of us advising have BEEN there. I wish I'd had the "ducks in a row" advice as I wouldn't have been left completely skint (ex emptied joint accounts days after I kicked him out) and almost homeless (because I was on a tight clock as soon as I did as was in a married quarter in a county I'd no other ties in so not entitled to help from council. If I'd also used the time I spent snooping to find out where I stood housing wise I wouldn't have almost ended up homeless with a 2 year old - ex didn't give a shit!) and the snooping meant I KNEW I hadn't ended the marriage purely due to suspicion/jealousy which he was close to convincing me of.

I agree with not confronting ow. NOT because they have no responsibility but because it doesn't resolve the issue. Scaring off one ow doesn't mean he won't line up another. This is his second time of straying anyway! He's the problem as far as op is concerned.

MyFriendFlickaWasAHorse · 03/05/2018 14:27

Oh ffs no, don’t message her!

Original poster
Orangeblosssom3 · 03/05/2018 14:32

Thank you again. Lots of very wise posts here and I’ll read them more thoroughly now I’m just back home. Still feel sick.

Trying to channel the determination of Doctor Foster with the wisdom of the Dalai Lama? Not sure that’s working as a combination!

I’m disappointed I didn’t find anything to shed more light. Yet hated myself for looking. Although there was one more message on FB from her saying could they make coffee next week instead as called away this weekend. The more I think about it, why the wanting to go back on social media now anyway? When we are so precarious. All of it makes me feel insecure.

I’ve done a few things on my list of stuff to keep me going:
Emailed a solicitor. Just to talk about ‘options’.
Tried to find scarf, or anything that was out of place in his cupboards. Nothing. He’s very minimal and clean. Must be in car.
Bought myself a sweet bunch of flowers.
Bought some nice wine and a new lip pencil. Flirted with the funny gay man on the make up stand. Made me feel better.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 03/05/2018 14:38

OP it sounds like he checked out of the marriage a while back - either when he met Scarf Woman or striking up a "friendship" SW was a result of him checking out.

Original poster
Orangeblosssom3 · 03/05/2018 14:38

I won’t message her. Don’t know why I did that add friend thing last night! Cringe cringe. Confused

She must have deleted me. She has over 1000 friends though, thought she’d just add anybody. Gave myself the indulgence of 5 min look at her account though, which is open, she’s so young. Younger than I thought, 26 and looks younger. With pictures of her and her friends doing normal early 20s stuff but that’s far more like our older daughter than us. That just feels weird. DH is 48 ffs. Even meeting for coffee is a bit... icky and yuk.

I either confront him. Or try his phone again one last time as he puts child to bed. Or try a really honest chat about us, that leads into trust issues and wtf is in his head.

OP posts:
Banana8080 · 03/05/2018 14:38

Difficulty with approaching this situation before they meet is that he can say 'it's just coffee', horribly if you can wait until this develops further you have more solid evidence.

You are clearly wonderful and don't deserve to live with this cloud. Consider your options either way, life is short.

PretABoire · 03/05/2018 14:38

Yeah I would gatecrash their date. He's already shown that he can be deceptive and confronting him now will probably only get you denials, even if there truly is nothing dodgy going on. If you see how they interact with your own eyes you'll know the truth. If it looks innocent you can confront him about the deceit, but if it's not innocent then there's not really much point is there.

Just because she's young doesn't mean she wouldn't shag an older man. Some people get off on people with money, power, or spouses unfortunately.

RatRolyPoly · 03/05/2018 14:47

I agree, you sound ace OP.

Don't know if it helps but sometimes when I'm weighing up options about what to do I imagine I'm reading a book about myself and I picture what my character does next. That way I feel I'm staying true to the way I see myself, not being swayed into a course of action that isn't "me" - if you know what I mean.

That way you can either play the diplomat, the sleuth or you can give it to him with both barrels; it's your life, reclaim control over it however you see fit Flowers

Littlemuster · 03/05/2018 14:55

Potential sugar daddy type arrangement?
Can you check his bank account? Money is normally very much involved.

Original poster
Orangeblosssom3 · 03/05/2018 15:21

@juells you are so right btw DH and I get along great, there is nothing wrong with us. I realised that when he first strayed, he started to say that we ‘may not be compatible’ as the ‘friendship’ grew. For a long, long, time I searched myself thinking maybe there were big problems in our relationship. There were not. Except, of course, his emotional affair which was in itself the problem. Not a result of one.

Same this time. We’ve been getting better and stronger all the time, his wobble about ‘commitment’ came totally out of the blue. About the same time his interest developed!

OP posts:
Original poster
Orangeblosssom3 · 03/05/2018 15:22

@little he alone can see the main bank account. Always annoyed me. I have basic statements and access to two other lesser accounts.

She’s got a very long term boyfriend on her FB Page.

OP posts:
notacooldad · 03/05/2018 15:25

If you do gatecrash the coffee you need to make sure that he has said that he would be somewhere else.otherwise he may turn it on you and ask what's the problem. He would then say he's only having a drink with a friend and for good measure , if he knows you are on to him mention the scarf himself. 'What's up, she left the scarf when I gave her a lift home the other week, I'm just giving it back and having a quick chat, now, what are you doing here?'