Over reacting to husbands new female friend?

[Orangeblosssom3]

Me and DH have been going through a tricky patch. And while on the computer yesterday I saw on his (open) tab on social media a message from him to a woman saying ‘I’ve still got your scarf with a grinning emoji.

She replied sorry, thanks, do you want to meet for coffee to get it back, and also to discuss x a shared interest.

He replied we can meet to ‘talk about anything you fancy’ grinning emoji.

Oh damn! Feel sick. I checked the woman’s profile, she’s 20 years younger and has a boyfriend but otherwise is just his type. DH has not mentioned this at all. He only went on social media a few months ago and she was the first person he became friends with.

What to do now? Embarrassed about admitting that I peeked on his page. I think I was a little worried. Years ago he got very friendly with a woman at work, got a crush on her I think, it never got physical but they discussed our relationship and used to also meet for coffees. We went to counseling where he realised that was insensitive.

juells I suppose it’s what you want the outcome to be.

Nip it in the bud now, try to save your marriage. Never trust him again. Wait for the next time.

Or sit back and wait to see if they have sex and you can find evidence of them having had sex. Then leave.

I don’t get it. All roads lead to he cannot be trusted. Why waste time and energy.

Morning OP:
I've been thinking about you today and I'm sorry that it didn't go as well last night as planned.

There's no evidence of conversations on his phone now as he knows you know.

He's biding his time, he probably realises that you've not gathered any hard evidence - and he's probably now hoping that you don't do anything about it, but will cover his tracks in the future.

Either way it's a difficult place for you to be in.
You've been here before and you've both worked through the previous - but he's breaking that trust now by hiding this from you -
If it was innocent he would explain himself straight away in fear of hurting you.

Leaving him when you have children is going to be horribly hard - I get this 😭
But can you honestly stay knowing he's meeting women secretly, keeping their scarves etc.

You owe it to yourself as a human being to want the best for yourself.

Talking of the scarf - have you seen it?
If it's hidden away, that's another huge red flag.

Don't doubt yourself - because it won't be doubt, it will be delusion.

Just because you don't want this to be true doesn't mean it isn't :-(

Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same.

My heart is with you.

OP - I experienced similar with my exH and whenever I confronted him he would have a perfectly reasonable response and would twist things so that I became convinced I was paranoid and imagining it all (classic gaslighting). The anxiety this caused was overwhelming.

Although I do agree that you need to have hard evidence to confront him with, you also need to take care of yourself. Regardless of what you find/don't find, I think you know that you are never going to be able to trust him again and that's no basis for a relationship.

I had a kind of panic attack in the night for a short while. Just wandering what’s been going on, going over past weeks. High anxiety for sure.

I’ve just said to work I’m going to take a half day and work in evening. Luckily I can be autonomous and fairly flexible in what I do. Am at hairdressers for a drop in blow dry! For some reason I think this will help!

Haven’t seen scarf. Must be in car. We shared the drive this morning and I was thinking of an excuse to look in glove compartment but in the end was too tired/stressed to make it casual. Bit all over the place mentally.

Why would you need an excuse to look in glove compartment of your DH's car. Just open it - looking for a packet of tissues or a Biro, stick of chewing gum like everyone else does. I think you don't want to find the scarf OP. Not having a go - finding makes it chalks up another reality point.

If it continues I bet there will end up being a second phone.

What an awful position for you to be in - sitting with all that in limbo

If you think your marriage can come back from this, then I would address it with him now, rather than wait until it may progress.

However you may want to know if he will take it further and that will be the deciding factor in what you chose to do.

I think it’s perfectly plausible that a 20 odd year old would want a fling with a 40 odd year old. There are plenty of fu@ked up 20 year olds around. I should know, I was one once (many moons ago).

Thinking of you OP

My ex had a 'thing' with a girl who was about 15 years younger than him, it's certainly not inconceivable. Particularly if the man has a successful career/position of power/decent income.

Orangeblosssom3 oh yes having hair done does help! Makes you feel fabulous. I always change my hair or get it refreshed if something like this happens in a relationship. Take a good half day out and treat yourself lovely

Good work on the blow dry - I bet it will help!

When I was in a similar position I spend my partner's bonus on clothes.

1k of it.

I'm usually so careful with money and never spend it on myself, but do you know what?

Felt really good.

Have it out with him OP, it’s making you ill.

I think taking time off work to think is the best idea. Look after yourself.

I agree with those who would quietly and calmly open the conversation. But that is US. You must do as you see fit but I don't think you will find anymore evidence now. You friend requesting her will have put them both on guard.

Best of luck.

Try to be as normal around him as possible. If anything is going on he will be extra sensitive to noticing if the ' vibes ' of your day to day living is different. Another thing men 'do' is start to be hyper critical of you, asking you what the matter is, why are you miserable, something is 'up' with you etc. It's their way of distancing the emotions or lining up a reason to ' blame ' You.

Loving the half-day and blow dry idea!

Here rooting for you, Orange

Like I said yesterday - you need to confront him on this now. What's the point in dragging it out?

All this nonsense of "don't show your hand too early" and "get all your ducks in a row", like its a game?! What do people expect will happen if she confronts him at this stage as opposed to dragging it out and waiting for something else to happen??

This is your life, your marriage, your children's lives, your mental health.

You need to confront him OP.

Seriously OP if i were you i'd wait till we had a bit of time together and say something like:

This woman with the scarf, and the coffee meet ups and the flirty messages: we've been here before and i'm sick of it. I want out now. Divorce.

I'd mean it too. I don't understand what's to be gained by mucking about with phones ect. You've seen what he's up to, you know what he's like. You don't need to prove it to him or yourself.

The ducks in a row thing, for me is nothing to do with gathering evidence of his affair. It’s about making sure I could leave the minute I confronted him. If I had to leave my dh or ask him to leave me, it would take a lot of organisation. So if I suspected it was on the cards, I’d do a bit of admin, then confront him, so I could honestly say I’m ready to go.

Sorry I said his affair as if it was a dove deal there; just using shorthand. I appreciate it could be nothing but a silly flirtation which is going nowhere.

*done deal

OP worth thinking about sorting out everything if you can asap, especially since you sent that Friend Request. I should imagine things might start getting heated quickly. MyFriendFlickaWasAHorse explains the reasoning behind "Ducks in a Row". You don't want to be organising how to leave him or kick him out whilst you have all the drama blowing up between you two. It is easier if you are ready for a clean break.

I suppose the gathering of as much info as possible advice is to help the op when she confronts him. He has form for minimising and gas lighting, so she wants to have indesputable evidence so he can't make her doubt herself as she has in the past.
However, I also agree that since the friend request was sent that they will be on their guard as it's unlikely you'll find more.

You do have enough to know you can't trust him, and I agree completely with the post which advised you to now focus more on how you feel, if you can see a viable future with him given what you now know of his behaviour and character.

As for how they met - if they can't have met through this shared hobby and they don't have any other mutual connections, I would suggest it's likely to be a dating site, possibly a married type of affair site - this happened to two of my friends, it's a hell of a lot more common than you'd think, especially in middle age.

Good for you with the blow dry. Now go home and get your finances all checked out.
Be strong op!

Just had a thought - do you have access to all his financial statements - credit cards etc? Just to see if there are any anomalies - gifts you haven't received (bloody scarves), hotel or restaurant bills etc.

You said your marriage was going through a sticky patch - did this coincide with his interest in this new 'hobby' I wonder?

ugh so sorry OP, this isn't looking good :(

OP. The snooping will drive you mad. Getting any further evidence will be extremely difficult seeing as he knows how to cover his tracks. A more likely scenario is he will confront you in an attempt to deflect attention away from him and accuse you of being paranoid and controlling.

You don't need to do any of that. You don't really need evidence. All you need to say to him is his behaviour has changed and is following similar patterns as before, if you want to confront him. If you think he will deny till he is blue in the face, just tell him the trust has gone and you don't think it will ever come back.

Before choosing a route however, work out what you want first. If you want to stay in the marriage you will have to be prepared to accept he may never stop doing this. Things may stay at emotional affair levels with various women and one day he may decide to take the next step and then the next until he leaves. He may be happy just to stay at emotional affair level.

If this is your line in the sand, you will have to accept that you may never get those answers you are looking for.

All you know for definite is you have lost trust in him and he is repeating past behaviours and showing you he isn't as invested in the relationship as you are. That alone is enough reason to call it quits and end the relationship. If that is your choice, the only thing you need proof of are his finances for the divorce.