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AIBU?

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Original poster

Over reacting to husbands new female friend?

638 replies

Orangeblosssom3 · 02/05/2018 11:32

Me and DH have been going through a tricky patch. And while on the computer yesterday I saw on his (open) tab on social media a message from him to a woman saying ‘I’ve still got your scarf with a grinning emoji.

She replied sorry, thanks, do you want to meet for coffee to get it back, and also to discuss x a shared interest.

He replied we can meet to ‘talk about anything you fancy’ grinning emoji.

Oh damn! Feel sick. I checked the woman’s profile, she’s 20 years younger and has a boyfriend but otherwise is just his type. DH has not mentioned this at all. He only went on social media a few months ago and she was the first person he became friends with.

What to do now? Embarrassed about admitting that I peeked on his page. I think I was a little worried. Years ago he got very friendly with a woman at work, got a crush on her I think, it never got physical but they discussed our relationship and used to also meet for coffees. We went to counseling where he realised that was insensitive.

OP posts:
esk1mo · 03/05/2018 01:20

who told you she was in a relationship? your DH? might be a lie

bannanapeppers · 03/05/2018 01:49

rooting for u op.

TwittleBee · 03/05/2018 05:43

Hope you're okay OP and you'll wake up feeling strong xx

MyFriendFlickaWasAHorse · 03/05/2018 06:30

@Chuncky

Don’t give them the old, “it’s in their dna and they can’t help themselves excuse”. That’s really outdated and absolves them of taking any responsibility for their own actions. They really can help themselves. How about if he was a teacher and the object of his desire was a young pupil? Would you shrug your shoulders and say “oh well it’s in their dna”? Of course you fucking wouldn’t. Don’t make out that all men are as low as this. You’re doing them a huge disservice.

MyFriendFlickaWasAHorse · 03/05/2018 06:35

Also hope you’re ok this morning @op.

Queenio24 · 03/05/2018 06:50

Hope you're ok this morning OP.
If you haven't been rumbled by the fb request, continue to 'snoop' in as many ways as you can until Friday, then see if you can turn up when they have coffee on Friday. Stay strong Op!

MiniCooperLover · 03/05/2018 06:57

I'd be very surprised if that scarf is anywhere near the car after that quick late night trip out. He knows you are into him would be my guess. Hope you're ok.

Happygummibear · 03/05/2018 07:12

There is something about the whole DNA thing that going back to the early days of humans men would have several sexual partners to ensure the human race grew. However we have come along way since then and men should learn to control their dicks and if they want to spread it around then save their current partner from the humility and shame and damn well leave them first.

Op you are doing well. I had a bloke who cheated on me twice. I fell to pieces.

There is a possibility this "female" is a home wrecker by nature

seventh · 03/05/2018 07:14

We went to counseling where he realised that was insensitive.

It took counselling? To realise that?

Mamabear2181 · 03/05/2018 07:26

Just read through this whole thread, and reminds me of similar behaviour of my ex though i didn't realise what was happening at the time. We had a lot of other stuff going on too, and i was naive. I too was made to feel that i was mad, paranoid, a miserable nagging killjoy. And i did actually feel as though i was going mad! I said that to him too, to which he replied "I don't know what you're on about, you never make any sense"

He certainly understood me when i upped and left him with the kids.

Stick to your guns OP, you can get through this x

Luisa27 · 03/05/2018 07:30

Hope you managed to get some sleep OP? Thinking of you today...

Banana8080 · 03/05/2018 07:32

Awful. Try to keep cool head and stay calm, but do not let him get away with it. Xx

NorthernKnickers · 03/05/2018 07:33

Really sad for you OP...this kind of thing is heartbreaking to read. Hope you got some sleep at least (probably not though I'm guessing) 💐

Walkaboutwendy · 03/05/2018 07:41

Is all this worth it? What I mean is it sounds like you're going to be stressed out for the rest of your life with this guy wondering if he is cheating. You can't trust him and he has repeatedly shown you that. He doesn't respect you or the relationship by his behaviour.

He has not changed he's just getting better at hiding his behaviour.

Forget about him and scarf lady for a minute (because let's be honest it sounds like there will always be a scarf lady in one form or another). What do YOU want. How do YOU feel in this relationship. What does it actually give you?

I think a bit of soul searching rather than social media searching is what's needed. Flowers

Shampaincharly · 03/05/2018 07:59

Hope you are fine Orange.

Original poster
Orangeblosssom3 · 03/05/2018 08:00

So tired. Got very little sleep. I’m a terrible sleuth, he was fast asleep but as soon as I went for his phone by the bed he sat bolt upright saying what’s going on, and immediately grabbed his phone.

I had to pretend I was unable to sleep and going for water.

This morning while he was downstairs I grabbed the phone and looked in texts and WhatsApp but nothing. Only had a minute though. Not sure why I’m doing this am doubting myself. I’ve got to get child to school and then work.

OP posts:
byanyothernamerose · 03/05/2018 08:02

Grabbing his phone immediately? That is weird...he is hiding and isn't even being subtle about it. Keep digging OP and don't feel bad about it...you need the evidence to confront him properly...

user838383 · 03/05/2018 08:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Locotion · 03/05/2018 08:17

LTB. You deserve better. And fight him for anything youre entitled to assets-wise. What an arrrogant prick. I hate disgusting cheating men. Reminds me of my exH, ugh.

Shedmicehugh1 · 03/05/2018 08:26

I’m not sure all the trying to snoop more is any good. It will drive you mad. You know what you know, what are you going to do?

What do you want the outcome to be?

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 03/05/2018 08:36

Hard evidence - obviously.

As that will be the undeniable proof the OP is correct and her DH is undoubtedly at it

Shedmicehugh1 · 03/05/2018 08:41

She has hard evidence, her husband is messaging other woman, flirting and arranging to meet her! What more does she need!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 03/05/2018 08:42

I was ready to post that it's ok for him to have a female friend but this isn't that, she doesn't sound like a friend, they sound as if they're gearing up for some 'fun'. That's not ok.

I think there's only one way of handling this really and that's to say something like, "We've been here before with your inappropriate 'friendships' that were disrespectful to me and our marriage. I'm not going here with you again. I know there's something brewing because of your behaviour and I'm not going to stand for it. I think you should leave now.".

I'm paraphrasing from what you've posted but, at the moment it's all fun because it's not real, nothing serious has yet happened. That is the point at which it's possible to get this back if you want to. He won't be expecting you to be willing to end the marriage at this point and it will wrong-foot him.

It might shake him out of his reverie, it might not - but don't allow him to carry on 'playing' with this 'friendship' with his marriage still intact. If he's going to cheat then let him do so in the knowledge that his marriage has already gone and that he has lost everything - his life from this point on will be as a single father with all of the responsibility and none of the respect and love that comes from having a loyal wife.

I bet it wouldn't be so much fun at all with that hanging over his head.

Of course, you will probably want to consider your position as you know that he's got a wandering eye when the going gets tough. You can do that in your own sweet time though. Think it through.

I'm really sorry that you're in this position. This is what I would do if I were in it myself now.

Juells · 03/05/2018 08:58

@Shedmicehugh1

I’m not sure all the trying to snoop more is any good. It will drive you mad.
It's impossible not to though, once you've noticed one thing odd. There's a desperate need to know just how big a fool you've been, and how big a liar the DH is.

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

he's got a wandering eye when the going gets tough.
It's usually the other way around, I found. Everything would be jogging along just fine, then the going gets tough for some mysterious reason, turns out you're a horrible bitch etc. etc.. Subsequently you find out that was when the affair was gearing up, and your existence was taking the shine off the enjoyment.

Luisa27 · 03/05/2018 09:00

Couldn’t agree more with @walkabout OP - please take her advice if you’re able x