I say DH can't be trusted, he's angry with me

[BananaBanana1999]

Woke up this morning to find DH had left a saucepan on the hob with the gas on. Contents of said pan was burnt to a crisp and the saucepan was a write-off. I don't care that the saucepan is ruined (or that the house now smells strongly of chicken) but I very much care that it was a fire risk. DH and I have been living together 6 or so years and in that time he's left the gas on maybe 5-6 times like this. He's also left his keys in the front door (so anyone could get in) 4-5 times, and the one time I went away for a weekend without him, he accidentally overdosed our kitten at the time, who was then rushed to emergency vets and nearly died (kitten is fine now, thank fuck). I didn't think I'd ever forgive him for that, but I did. He is forever leaving our back door open (I usually check and lock it myself now, but if I forget, he never does it). If I've been out all day I'll come home to find that he's forgotten to feed the cats and top up their water.

He says I have trust issues, and I agree with him. I feel like I can't trust him with even the most basic stuff. I feel, at times, rather anxious, and this morning I told him he is very much part of the (anxiety) problem. Am I being too harsh?

He loses his bank card every 3 months (this is no exaggeration). He orders a new one, borrows £100 off me while he waits for the new one to arrive. I don't even mind tbh (it doesn't really impact on me or the safety of the cats), although I just can't comprehend how he loses it so regularly.

AIBU to feel so incredibly frustrated, and also anxious about leaving the cats / house in his care while I'm gone for 4 nights next week?

No YANBU in my view. I'm afraid I couldn't live with someone like this

1. Put the cats in a cattery
2. Don’t have kids with him - he’s too immature
3. Leave

YANBU, I would be concerned. Does he just not listen? He would drive me up the wall.

The kittens would worry me though, is it possible to leave them with a relative for the 4 days?

Well you can’t trust him but that’s because he’s not trustworthy, not because you have issues. I used to forget to put the alarm on when I left the house so I stuck a note on the back door - what is he doing to rectify his behaviour? If he’s not doing anything he’s actin like a child expecting you to check he’s done things properly.

A friend of mines dp used to loose everything and forget he’d put food on etc. - he was recently diagnosed with adhd and is much better now he’s on medication. May be worth seeing if he has any symptoms.

Does he have a (responsible) job? Is he like this at work?

YANBU. I couldn’t share my life with a man like this, seriously. I hesitate to say LTB, but how on earth will he cope with kids? Or getting old together?

Don’t have children with him! He’s been ten times as annoying and a useless liability then.

No, I'd bail. How could you have kids? There's also the element of 'this is who I am, take it or leave it' that I'd find repellent. So no plans to try and change this appalling track record and become a real adult? Better YOU put the energy into stopping your anxiety so he doesn't have the irritation of being pulled up on being a total dick.

Hey just cross your fingers, I'm sure the cats will probably be ok and you won't get burgled

It would erode the respect and therefore the love.

Also really worrying that he’s trying to turn it around to blame you. Trust issues? Gaslighting more like.

Christ, this would give me the fear. I couldn't trust him either. Has he made any attempts to put strategies in place to improve his hopelessness?

missbonita his son (my stepson) almost certainly has ASD and issues focusing (we are still waiting on official diagnosis). I would not be surprised to learn he has the same. He can be a bit emotionally / socially inept at times and it makes me cringe.

Sorry but I would leave him without a doubt.

NeedMoreSleepOrSugar He has a well-paid job and responsibilities, although he's not responsible for saving lives or anything (just as well, hey). He manages fine at work, although does seem to struggle with deadlines and works overtime to meet them. Hard to say if he is overworked or whether he's just crap at managing his time.

Is he doing this intentionally or just chronically absent minded? I do some of those things and suspect DS1 gets his scatterbrain ADHD from my line of the family.

The things you’ve described are so basic, and he seems to get them wrong so often. I don’t know what the right answer is but this would drive me mad!

I wouldn't be able to trust him either.

Was he drunk?

"There's also the element of 'this is who I am, take it or leave it' that I'd find repellent." He is like this, with everyone. He takes a very hard line on this, and I dislike it intensely. He has friends, and is generous and helpful, but sometimes he is just a bit OTT and some of his more emotionally intelligent friends find it wearing (I can tell just from their reactions, he can't).

Has he thought about dyspraxia? My ds has a diagnosis and did all these things especially the keys and card. But ds has to systematically put things in place to overcome his difficulties. A lot of it was to be more mindful. So he never leaves the house now without mentally running through his checklist in a very deliberate way. Same in a bar ( jacket/wallet) or on a train. All areas for leaving stuff. If he is making an effort its different.
The cooker would freak me out as so dangerous. Do you have proper alarms.
So first l would consider dyspraxia before l write him off.

The term trust issues is for when someone doesn't trust someone else but doesn't have any reason to feel that way. So no I don't think you have trust issues....

What’s he like at work? In general? Has he always been this way?

For me it would make a difference if I thought this might be a medical memory issue. Depression can cause memory issues for example as can a range of mental or physical conditions.

The getting cross could be embarrassed denial, or a sign of an arse trying to shift blame

My ex girlfriend used to do things like this all the time to the point where I simply could not trust her to do the most basic things. It was exhausting having to double check everything. She would claim ‘ditziness’ or ‘forgetfulness’ as if that some how absolved her from he actions (or lack of). Incidentally it was a pan of beans left on the gas hob while she fell asleep on the sofa that was the final straw for me. I woke up to neighbours banging on the window, thick smoke filling the flat, a pan with the handle on fire with the bottom burnt through. She took no responsibility for it and even got annoyed with me when I ‘wouldn’t stop going on about it’. It does not get better OP, I lived with that nonsense for the best of a year until I realised I was actually being treated like a mug as I was doing everything.

Wow
I can be like this this . When family are away I literally have to leave myself A checklist by the door

Oven off
Fridge ON
Hair straighteners off
Stove off
Windows locked

If he doesn’t show any remorse or try to address it thats the problem surely ?

He needs to work on strategies to help him deal with stuff. You need smoke alarms that work, cooking timers, evening checklist, written down for doors, gas and electrics, keys in doors etc. Get a water fountain for the cats. He needs his own stash of cash instead of borrowing from you.
Yes, you could leave him, but I’d try and find active solutions first. I have 2 adult children on the spectrum, they have both worked out systems for themselves.