I say DH can't be trusted, he's angry with me

[BananaBanana1999]

Woke up this morning to find DH had left a saucepan on the hob with the gas on. Contents of said pan was burnt to a crisp and the saucepan was a write-off. I don't care that the saucepan is ruined (or that the house now smells strongly of chicken) but I very much care that it was a fire risk. DH and I have been living together 6 or so years and in that time he's left the gas on maybe 5-6 times like this. He's also left his keys in the front door (so anyone could get in) 4-5 times, and the one time I went away for a weekend without him, he accidentally overdosed our kitten at the time, who was then rushed to emergency vets and nearly died (kitten is fine now, thank fuck). I didn't think I'd ever forgive him for that, but I did. He is forever leaving our back door open (I usually check and lock it myself now, but if I forget, he never does it). If I've been out all day I'll come home to find that he's forgotten to feed the cats and top up their water.

He says I have trust issues, and I agree with him. I feel like I can't trust him with even the most basic stuff. I feel, at times, rather anxious, and this morning I told him he is very much part of the (anxiety) problem. Am I being too harsh?

He loses his bank card every 3 months (this is no exaggeration). He orders a new one, borrows £100 off me while he waits for the new one to arrive. I don't even mind tbh (it doesn't really impact on me or the safety of the cats), although I just can't comprehend how he loses it so regularly.

AIBU to feel so incredibly frustrated, and also anxious about leaving the cats / house in his care while I'm gone for 4 nights next week?

Pangalatic I completely agree. In these situations people like the OP start out helping and being nice and then before you know it they've taken on so much responsibility for an adult that they lose respect for them and the relationship suffers even more. There might also be some learned helplessness going on here.
I don't think LTB is unreasonable at all. Those saying this have been in similar situations and know how things tend to be later on.

His forgetfulness is extreme. Either he starts using strategies to manage it, or you need to leave. And I wouldn't dare have children with someone like that.

He manages fine at work, although does seem to struggle with deadlines and works overtime to meet them.

He is probably put extra effort in at work but feels that at home he shouldn't have to. Tell him he is mistaken about that.

And someone else said: l would consider dyspraxia before l write him off. But it's not for the OP to consider dyspraxia. Or ADD or ASC or anything else. It's for her partner to accept that his forgetfulness is a problem and it's for him to consider underlying causes and it's for him to seek solutions. If he refuses to accept that anything is wrong with him then there is nothing she can do about it. Trying to predict what he'll forget next and protect herself, her home and her cats will drive her crazy.

Oh hell yes. I already am. My counsellor says I take on more responsibility than I should,

So as things stand, staying with him will be very destructive to you. He seems more than willing to let you take the burden on your shoulders and totally reluctant to carry any of it himself. Don't put solutions in place for him. Either he steps up, or you will need to leave to save your own sanity.

Look, if leaving the fucking gas on and putting you both at risk of death isn't enough of a wake up call, what is?

And FFS! What is this obsession with trying to medicalise everything. Sometimes people just behave with no regard for those around/close to them. There isn't a diagnosis for being a bastard. It is just what it is.

Quite, Vladmirs, and at any rate, the OP's husband refuses to a) acknowledge any problem b) instead blames his wife. You can have a laundry list of potential diagnoses but if you don't own them and see a doctor, then no one can help you and you can't help yourself.

Rather telling that he doesn't fuck up this much at work. Of course not, he'd be sacked.

I usually do it when my hands are full with shopping, put my keys in the door, pick up the bags of shopping leaving the key in the door as I have no free hand to take it out

Lovemusic33 But, you have to turn the key and push the door open, so why not take it out before picking the bags up?
I'm sorry, I'm not trying to be goady, but I just can't get my head around it!

I do things like this and I have ADHD. The blasé reaction to it is a coping mechanism because you literally can't help or control it so you just have to live with it - I appreciate this is really frustrating to other people who don't have the issue. However if I beat myself up and felt bad and worried about every little mistake (and I appreciate that my "little mistakes" are bigger deals to people who don't do them as regularly) I would be a total wreck and my mental health would be through the floor. I did think for years that I just had to accept it as the way life is and I still do to an extent - for example, I don't use libraries because it's cheaper to buy books than pay the fines, which means I rarely read these days whereas I used to love it.

The more I've learned since being diagnosed, I've been able to see better some of the patterns and figure out why certain things go wrong for me, (part of ADHD is not being able to identify these patterns) which has allowed me to solve some of the issues which have been a problem for years, but some of them I haven't. I hear medication can make this even better and help fill in some of the gaps, but it's not an option for me at the moment - maybe in the future.

It is really hard on people you live with but it's going to be so much harder if he doesn't actually see/admit that there is a problem.

YY - sorry not meaning to add to the "armchair diagnoses" here - but meaning to illustrate that issues like this can be really difficult to deal with.

It's absolutely not the OP's problem to figure out why he's doing something infuriating, if he cared about it affecting her, that was his priority - a long time ago.

"I don't use libraries because it's cheaper to buy books than pay the fines, which means I rarely read these days whereas I used to love it."

Bertie - some libraries have ebooks you can borrow. They automatically expire at the end of the loan period, so no late fees. You need an ereader that can use EPUB format (I don't think kindles can).

I have calendars and to do lists and leave everything in the same place every day. I have to even park in the same spot at work or I am walking around the car park in circles and they are all laughing at me!

This thread has been an real eye opener, I can’t sit through anything and I am often so embarrassed at the amount of times I interrupt people. I am always wanting people to get to the point and shouting ‘come on come on’ in my head while trying to keep smiling on the outside.
I am definitely going to do some further reading and mention it to the gp.
Although the children are my top priority always, 2 of them are on longterm medication and I write absolutely everything down to the point of being hyper vigilant and will never let them down but I am honestly feeling very guilty about my husband now.
Thanks again for this thread.

Also, whether it's something diagnosable or just personality the point is the same - it's not going to magically go away, it is who he is.

You don't HAVE TO make allowances for somebody being forgetful just because it's a brain imbalance which causes it rather than laziness/not caring. You can choose to but you shouldn't if it's causing you significant stress. Life's too short.

1 open the door, leave key in door so it doesn't slam shut
2 several trips from car to just inside front door with bags of shopping
3 walk in with final bag, shut door, leave key in lock and car unlocked! Easy. If u have ADHD. Sorry for derail, doesn't excuse his attitude to you, OP. He needs to acknowledge his difficulties and DO SOMETHING. If he won't, leave. I have an induction hob to prevent accidents. I use pill dispensers to ensure accurate dosing. My lapses are mild compared to your partner, but I don't pretend I can't do anything about them.

Thanks - I actually live in a non English speaking country now so no good sadly but I will look into that if we ever move back to the UK :) There is an English language library here and I did try my hardest to use it properly for a bit but actually they were so much meaner about it when I brought books back late - in the UK the staff never ever minded even when the fines were astronomical but the staff here were actually quite annoyed with me and it really put me off and made me feel ashamed to try again.

When I pass my driving test or get into a situation where I can regularly go by tying it to another activity, then I'll try again, they probably won't even remember me - it was just too much of a mission with their crap opening hours and public transport (and no book drop box, even!)

Sorry to be facetious but:

1. Online shopping delivery. Open door without key / key on inside. Take in shppoing. Close door.

Or, my actual everyday method for never losing keys. The key is always in my hand or my bag. It never leaves my hand except to enter its own special pocket in my bag. I find this forms a sort of 'touch habit / muscle memory' so it would feel 'wrong' to let go of it. So:

1. Open door with key, remove key from lock and place in handbag, all the while standing in / with foot in door, so it cannot close.

2. Enter, putting door on latch if lots to retrieve.

3. Move stuff in. Close door. Undo latch / lock deadlock.

Wow, I do find all these reactions interesting, but utterly predictable. I have never had a partner who has not come with myriad positive and negative points to their personality. When I first started dating I thought "Just never date an alcoholic..." but then the list got longer with experience... By the end there were no perfect guys left, it seemed, if they had ever existed. So good luck with that search for the really nice person who turns you on, makes you laugh, likes the things you like, can hold down a good job, is kind and listens, puts you first, has no addictions, doesn't cheat on you ever, and - oh - never leaves the gas on... I'm not trying to trivialise, just saying that it's for the OP to decide whether all of this constitutes sackable offences, as I don't get the message that she's looking for an excuse to leave him, just that she's trying to get her head round his very frustrating behaviour because she actually likes him a lot for many reasons she doesn't have to tell us about.

But I agree it's for him to recognise his problem and put in place strategies to overcome it. I absolutely recognise the different work/home personality thing. It is really stressful when you have poor working memory to put in all the extra throughout the working day, and completely natural to go back into your real self when you get home (you'd be an uptight depressed person otherwise) - but you just need to work out how to do that by making your environment help you. Possibly having been berated throughout school for forgetting homework and losing things, he may have developed a slight allergy to facing up to his problem because people tend to treat it punitively, and being the owner of testosterone he may well feel ashamed about having to make lists and leave post-its everywhere like an old codger, which is why it would be great to destigmatise this process by forcing him to read Daniel Levitin's "The Organised Mind", which shows how billionaires do this all the time. (I am not Daniel Levitin or his publisher).

muttley a flaw is something like ‘leaves his pants on the floor’ not ‘endangers my and my pet’s lives multiple times’.

It’s hardly perfectionism to expect to go to sleep without fearing your partner is about to burn the house down.

God knows neither my husband nor I are perfect but I don’t worry that he’s going to kill me or our kids or dog by mistake.

Could be perhaps have a drinking problem?
My first husband did things like this because he was secretly drinking. When he loses his card and borrows money, does he pay it back?

If OP tries to get her head round his behaviour in order to help him then really all she's doing is enabling his lack of responsibility. Her therapist has already told her she's taking on too much responsibility. This is a recurring theme with women, that they take in too much responsibility for their partners and the partner never has a reason to take responsibility for themselves. Why should anyone have to take responsibility for another adult who is capable of being an equal?

BertieBotts

You can get many classic books free online at project Gutenberg.

Mutley

I don’t think many people are looking for perfection but being in a relationship should enhance your quality of life not make it more difficult. There were basic qualities that I looked for in a partner, many of which you have listed already. There was also character traits that I tried to avoid as well and have indeed ended relationships when those traits became apparent (selfishness, jealousy, laziness, anger issues etc) as quite frankly I don’t need that in my life. While ‘forgetfulness’ might not rank up there with having a heroin addict or a physically abusive partner it slowly grinds you down and instills a huge sense of resentment when you are left to quite literally do everything. You feel like you are looking after a child and you hate yourself for having to constantly nag to ensure things get done. When I come home I want to relax not go through a mental check list to ensure doors and windows have not been left open, dinner burnt, car keys not lost, bath left running or any other raft of potential incidents. Life is too short.

@3luckystars my wife has just been diagnosed with ADHD and she is 41, so it’s not too late. The diagnosis has really helped her to understand how to manage herself and allowed her to access support which wouldn’t be possible without a diagnosis. Good luck!

I understand where BertieBotts is coming from, as I have dyspraxic traits myself and my ds even more so.

But it is very much about the person's own willingness to recognise that they have a problem and to work around it.

I also have a visual impairment which means I would almost certainly have got dc killed by now if I hadn't taken it into account when I was looking after them. Never driving a car, always crossing at the lights even when they were a long way off, always being extra careful around roads, always taking extra care on stairs. It was not my dh's job to make sure I organised my life around not putting my family at risk: it was my job.

Dh's job was not to get irritated by the fact that there were things I couldn't do and to accept that life would have to be organised differently and with less spontaneity.

You don't HAVE TO make allowances for somebody being forgetful just because it's a brain imbalance which causes it rather than laziness/not caring. You can choose to but you shouldn't if it's causing you significant stress.

Or more to the point, if it has been putting you and your pets in real physical danger and is likely to do the same for your children and he's refusing to do anything to protect you or them except tell you that it's your problem. There is a line between annoying and dangerous and the OP's fiance is on the wrong side of it.

being the owner of testosterone he may well feel ashamed about having to make lists and leave post-its everywhere like an old codger,

Blimey mutley, you have managed to come up with an excuse that is even less appealing than pure selfishness. Who would choose to marry a man with that attitude?

I have left a pan on the gas a couple of times but never overnight. I've left the door unlocked too once or twice. He needs a check list printed out and he goes round every night before bed checking it.

He's a project but he doesn't want to be your project. He's been very clear with you that he's happy with himself. You persuading him to go to the doctor is mothering him. He's an adult. This dynamic doesn't tend to end well.