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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I say DH can't be trusted, he's angry with me

192 replies

BananaBanana1999 · 02/05/2018 06:50

Woke up this morning to find DH had left a saucepan on the hob with the gas on. Contents of said pan was burnt to a crisp and the saucepan was a write-off. I don't care that the saucepan is ruined (or that the house now smells strongly of chicken) but I very much care that it was a fire risk. DH and I have been living together 6 or so years and in that time he's left the gas on maybe 5-6 times like this. He's also left his keys in the front door (so anyone could get in) 4-5 times, and the one time I went away for a weekend without him, he accidentally overdosed our kitten at the time, who was then rushed to emergency vets and nearly died (kitten is fine now, thank fuck). I didn't think I'd ever forgive him for that, but I did. He is forever leaving our back door open (I usually check and lock it myself now, but if I forget, he never does it). If I've been out all day I'll come home to find that he's forgotten to feed the cats and top up their water.

He says I have trust issues, and I agree with him. I feel like I can't trust him with even the most basic stuff. I feel, at times, rather anxious, and this morning I told him he is very much part of the (anxiety) problem. Am I being too harsh?

He loses his bank card every 3 months (this is no exaggeration). He orders a new one, borrows £100 off me while he waits for the new one to arrive. I don't even mind tbh (it doesn't really impact on me or the safety of the cats), although I just can't comprehend how he loses it so regularly.

AIBU to feel so incredibly frustrated, and also anxious about leaving the cats / house in his care while I'm gone for 4 nights next week?

OP posts:
Original poster
BananaBanana1999 · 02/05/2018 07:09

Pengggwn He does drink, but is very rarely drunk so I doubt it's that. Who in their right mind assumes they will be able to stay awake until 4am in the morning (when it was due to finish cooking), without some kind of alarm, to take the pan off the heat? I just don't get it. He is constantly absolutely exhausted all the time (without caffeine he falls asleep in the car, on the sofa after work, etc, etc). He definitely has some kind of sleep disorder (in my opinion), which makes his decision to leave the pan on the heat during the night all the more baffling.

OP posts:
Cantusethatname · 02/05/2018 07:10

Adult ADHD?

marthastew · 02/05/2018 07:10

It sounds like an unusual level of forgetfulness/lack of awareness to me and as others have said I would be gently suggesting that he visits his GP to discuss what has been happening. I'd be worried about ADHD, dementia or some other neurological issue.

But that aside, you cannot continue to live in such an unsafe situation. I'm sorry. It sounds really hard.

kaytee87 · 02/05/2018 07:12

ADHD. Sounds very much like my bil.

louise5754 · 02/05/2018 07:13

My husbands like this. Never locks doors. He says if anyone cane in he would just sort it. 😞 He's in the military so obviously very good at his job he's recd you been promoted but crap at home.

I did notice however that you sometimes forget to lock the door lol so I don't think you can blame him for that one x

louise5754 · 02/05/2018 07:13

Mine too has ADHD

gfrnn · 02/05/2018 07:15

Not normal behaviour and sounds like adult ADHD to me. He needs medical help for his own safety and yours. If he refuses to seek help you can risk burning to crisp or leave.

maymai · 02/05/2018 07:18

I think he's definitely got some kind of disorder and would encourage him to see help from his GP. In the meantime if I were you I'd research ADHD, Asperger, autism and see if any click, if so see what help is available

Sometimes it's as easy as someone else has said and leaving notes, having a fixed procedure for using bank card and putting it back in wallet etc.

PoorYorick · 02/05/2018 07:22

You'd have trust issues if you DID trust him. These are not one offs and they're potentially deadly. Don't have kids with him.

DoubleHelix79 · 02/05/2018 07:27

Bit of a stretch, but could he have sleep apnoea? It can make you constantly exhausted and would probably contribute to the forgetfulness.

TheOriginalEmu · 02/05/2018 07:27

he sounds an awful lot like me. I have dyspraxia. believe me, no one is as frustrated, annoyed, embarrassed and downright sick of my shit as I am. My ex used to be like you and he made me feel small and stupid and like a terrible person. I try SO hard, harder than someone without this condition will ever know not to be like this, but sometimes it gets away from me.
so, i can understand why you feel worried about the cats, but I can also understand why hes mad as he doesn't LIKE being this way.
the lack of empathy or understanding from some posters on this thread makes me really really sad tbh.

Musicaltheatremum · 02/05/2018 07:30

Does he have sleep apnoea? You say he falls asleep all the time. Google Epworth Sleepiness scale. There's a questionnaire you fill in and this will give you an idea. The lack of good sleep could be affecting him too.

Original poster
BananaBanana1999 · 02/05/2018 07:30

DoubleHelix79 Actually, yes. He snores really badly and stops breathing sometimes. I'm sure he has it. He is constantly tired during the day. I'm in the process of persuading him that he needs to see a GP.

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 02/05/2018 07:31

this is who I am, take it or leave it
I'd leave it. Not only because he's dangerous, but because he refuses to try and change or see anything is wrong.

L1lacw1ne · 02/05/2018 07:32

It doesn't sound as if he WANTS to make any effort to change, or accept responsibility for what are quite serious & dangerous actions. If he was willing to take responsibility & change his behaviours, it would be worth a shot, but honestly OP, I don't see much hope for the future here.

Your life is at stake here.
He has done NOTHING to earn your trust.

YouTheCat · 02/05/2018 07:32

How does he react if you forget something?

Original poster
BananaBanana1999 · 02/05/2018 07:32

TheOriginalEmu that sounds really tough, and I'm sorry. I know there's something not quite right with DH (could be sleep apnea, could be ADHD or ASD) and I try not to give him too much of a hard time about it because I know he didn't leave the pan on the hob on purpose. Having said that, it is incredibly stressful to live with.

OP posts:
64BooLane · 02/05/2018 07:34

My young DS has diagnosed ADHD and dyspraxia and I do worry about his future relationships a bit. If it’s occasionally exasperating to live with a child with these issues, I can imagine it might also be tough for those who love him as an adult! But the main thing really is your DH’s hardline attitude that the problem lies with you. That’s what I’d find most infuriating, I think.

Was he sorry about the kitten? Is he essentially a kind person? Mature enough to set aside defensiveness and reflect on stuff? If so perhaps there’s hope.

muttleydosomething · 02/05/2018 07:35

Sounds to me as if he has some kind of special educational need. Dyslexia, for example, normally comes with terrible working memory and organisational skills, no fault of the person who's got it.

A very close friends of mine (ahem!) sounds like your husband, down to the ability to manage a highly responsible job fine but to have trouble working to tight deadlines, and she has had to develop special ways and routines to stop herself losing bank cards and burning the house down. Always keeps keys on a huge furry gonk, has all important stuff on a shoulder bag across her neck when she's out, constantly counts her bags when shopping, must put all stuff back in a set place in order not to lose anything, writes down lists and post-its. It doesn't deal with house incineration (heat and smoke alarms are good for that) but it helps - shame she didn't put these routines in place in her twenties. But I agree. Necessity is the mother of invention. You have to make it clear he has to find ways to get it right or noone is going to be able to have him around. And I expect if you stay together you will take on the role of being the responsible one, but that's no disadvantage to you, in my view, as you won't find yourself incompetent and struggling in later life.

Get him to read "The Organised Mind" by Daniel Levitin. It's a highly readable proper book rather than a rubbish
self-help book. It's not about learning difficulties, just about freeing your mind to get stuff done better, and it takes the stigma out of having to make lists, if that's bothering him.

WineGummyBear · 02/05/2018 07:35

YANBU

Original poster
BananaBanana1999 · 02/05/2018 07:36

L1lacw1ne I don't disagree. I think DH and I need to have another conversation about it. He's usually incredibly defensive. I will try and talk to him about systems and making changes at a time when he isn't angry about it.

OP posts:
Ohyesiam · 02/05/2018 07:36

Trust issues implies that it’s irrational where as you don’t trust because he’s shown you that he’s not to be trusted.
Can he set reminders on his phone? Last thing at night
Cats fed and watered?
Door locked?
Gas off?

Original poster
BananaBanana1999 · 02/05/2018 07:38

YouTheCat It's so rare that it happens, but when it does he's perfectly chill about it. He tells me I'm getting worked up over nothing, usually.

OP posts:
ScrubTheDecks · 02/05/2018 07:39

As others have said, you don’t have trust issues.

He seems to deal simply with what is in front of him. Burnt house / burgled possessions / dead kitten are not a problem, or source of anxiety because until they happen, they are not a problem. When problems do happen as a result of his carelessness he deals with the actual problem (borrowing £100) and doesn’t ‘waste time’ on how it happened.

You, on the other hand are very much focussed on possible consequences and ‘what did I do!?’.

MAYBE counselling would help him understand how his actions affect your feelings about (possible and likely) consequences.

If this is a spectrum thing, MN may be able to help you with how to get him to absorb ‘this is what you do. This is the correct response to a, b, c’

Meanwhile I would get a cat sitter to pop in, or book a cattery.

Good luck!

Tiddlywinks63 · 02/05/2018 07:40

I couldn't live with someone who's so completely irresponsible and I wouldn't be able to trust him either.

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