I say DH can't be trusted, he's angry with me

[BananaBanana1999]

Woke up this morning to find DH had left a saucepan on the hob with the gas on. Contents of said pan was burnt to a crisp and the saucepan was a write-off. I don't care that the saucepan is ruined (or that the house now smells strongly of chicken) but I very much care that it was a fire risk. DH and I have been living together 6 or so years and in that time he's left the gas on maybe 5-6 times like this. He's also left his keys in the front door (so anyone could get in) 4-5 times, and the one time I went away for a weekend without him, he accidentally overdosed our kitten at the time, who was then rushed to emergency vets and nearly died (kitten is fine now, thank fuck). I didn't think I'd ever forgive him for that, but I did. He is forever leaving our back door open (I usually check and lock it myself now, but if I forget, he never does it). If I've been out all day I'll come home to find that he's forgotten to feed the cats and top up their water.

He says I have trust issues, and I agree with him. I feel like I can't trust him with even the most basic stuff. I feel, at times, rather anxious, and this morning I told him he is very much part of the (anxiety) problem. Am I being too harsh?

He loses his bank card every 3 months (this is no exaggeration). He orders a new one, borrows £100 off me while he waits for the new one to arrive. I don't even mind tbh (it doesn't really impact on me or the safety of the cats), although I just can't comprehend how he loses it so regularly.

AIBU to feel so incredibly frustrated, and also anxious about leaving the cats / house in his care while I'm gone for 4 nights next week?

banana I know, and I really REALLY don't blame you for getting pissed off with it, particularly if hes avoidant to actually doing something about it. it's incredible frustrating and i'm sure you must feel like you are parenting him sometimes. It's the posters who immediately say 'leave him' that got to me, not your obvious frustration and wanting to find a solution. For me, lists and lists and more lists are key to helping, as are millions of alarms on my phone to remind myself to check things.
Part of me is a bit 'this is who i am' at times, but its mostly born of embarrassment/defensiveness.
I think definitely step 1 is making him seek help. sleep apnoea on its own is a big thing, i have awful insomnia and the tiredness that comes with that REALLY doesn't help my scattiness!

"And I expect if you stay together you will take on the role of being the responsible one" Oh hell yes. I already am. My counsellor says I take on more responsibility than I should, more readily than I should (just in general - thanks Mum and Dad).

My ex husband was like this. He wouldn't address the issues he had. My decision to leave was when he claimed he was a Viking and didn't need to wash and he wanted to be Blood Bowl champion of the world.

Is he overweight? As that’s a major cause of sleep apnoea. He needs to see the GP.

He's not very responsible is he. I know a lady who is 23, like this who has Autism, her parents won't leave her home alone overnight, or for lengths of time, because of this. The lady has a reasonable job in the NHS, and gives the impression to others that she is very able, she masks her disabilities and disguises them. She has a lovely boyfriend, they went abroad alone(bf has no sn). Coukd this be it op! He coukd we'll have some sn he's not telling you about.

64BooLane Yes, he gave himself a very hard time about it. I told him that if he'd killed the kitten, I'd have left him. He accepted that completely, said he knew that. He absolutely adores our cats, believe it or not. I'd describe him as kind, yes. He took time off work recently (even though it was really hard for him to do so) to accompany me to a medical appointment I was terrified about.

YANBU. This would drive me mad. All the responsibility falls on you to do everything and check everything because he can’t take responsibility. It’s no wonder that increases your anxiety levels - it would mine too.

Aeroflotgirl Excuse my ignorance - what does sn stand for?

My DP is. Bit like this, although not quite to this extreme. He was diagnosed a few years ago with ADHD. Medication has helped significantly.

He could put coping mechanisms in place if he chose to. He's chosing not to, and that's very unfair on you.

I have anxiety about security, and I have a night-time routine of checking all the doors are locked and checking the cooker is off as I go up to bed. If I can do that without a history of leaving things unlocked/switched on, he can certainly do it.

Tell him, in future, if he's peckish he uses the microwave. That way it switches itself off. Leave him lists of essential things (like feeding cats) and put it on the fridge. Do it chronologically so he can cross each thing off as he does it.

I could NOT live like this. It must be like having a giant toddler. Does he do all the same sort of shit at work too, or can be act like an adult there?

Also, do you have a smoke alarm in the kitchen? You should.

Oh god, this all sounds so familiar. Mine also gets huffy that I don't trust him, as if it's somehow my fault?

I did have a child with mine and I can't tell you how many arguments there have been when he's done something stupid - For example, not looking when crossing roads and just pushing the pushchair out into the road, leaving batteries within easy reach of toddler, leaving a screwdriver within reach, leaving a full washing basket with wet clothes perched right on the edge of the kitchen table within easy reach of toddler, not paying attention in carparks and letting toddler wander out into the road, allowing toddler to run off ahead at the side of a busy road. Leaves door unlocked, forgets to shut stair gates...... I could go on and on

As a result, I have extreme anxiety and I'm not at all comfortable with him taking our child out when I'm not there. He's just too easily distracted. We recently went to a theme park and I was the one who was keeping an eye on our chid whilst he got distracted looking at things. At one point I had to go to the toilet and I literally ran in and out in about 20 seconds because I just can't trust him to watch our toddler (who likes to run off)

To be honest it has been a big part in ruining our relationship but I don't want to leave him because then he will have sole access. So for now, I will stay with him, but I can't see us staying together long term.

I agree that the issue is unwillingness to seek help or to change.

I think - given his way of responding to things - you'll have to give him a very good reason to do this, something that has actually happened and needs to be recovered from as a matter of urgency.

Otherwise he'll avoid it and put it off forever.

This would drive me spare. LTB if he is untrainable .

He is telling you that this is who he is, no wonder he gets defensive when you go “well it’s shit” because you may as well say to him “You are Shit”

Well if you are creating fire risks, nearly killing the cat and leaving your home as an easy target for burglars then he is being a bit ‘shit’ isn’t he? Playing the whole ‘this is who I am’ card is a complete abdication of any responsibility and utterly infuriating for anyone having to deal with the consequences of your ‘forgetfulness’. As others have pointed out there are steps that can be taken to help mitigate this problem but he seems unwilling to even discuss it as it is easy to let someone else deal with it.

Also, in classic MN fashion there is a rush to remotely diagnose some medical condition to the man in question. It is also more then likely that he is just being ‘shit’.

First of all, is he like this at work?

Secondly, and here's the major issue, it is not your responsibility to: persuade him to see a GP, make systems for him to cope, keep tabs or track of him, etc.

He is an adult. I'd tell him, 'I need to leave and get some space from this because there is something wrong but you refuse to work with me or get help so I can't live like this. You are a danger to my life and health.' Because leaving the gas on like this can kill you. And then do it.

It's entirely possible he has sleep apnea, or ADHD, dyspraxia or all, particularly if he behaves like this across the board, but you are not required to be responsible for finding out what it is or how to manage it because you cannot force him to seek out help. He's an adult.

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.

You don't have trust issues.

You have a DH who has the same level of responsiblity for his actions as a young teenager.

This behaviour is a choice. He needs to get his head out of whatever cloud it's stuck in, and learn how to be a responsible adult.

My first thought reading the op was dyspraxia it if often associated with ASD.

Another thought - you can get apps for the absent-minded when leaving the house. They give you a checklist of things to remember. Wonder if your DP could download one and develop a checklist of things to do before turning in for the night.

He may have a disorder, but he's attempting to paint it as OP's 'trust issues', which is both shitty and dangerous l.

Yanbu. It is so frustrating trying to share a life with someone who is rubbish at simple adult tasks to the point where you cannot trust them with the most basic grown up stuff. It's why I ended it with last boyfriend before current dp. It was like having another bloody child.