Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I say DH can't be trusted, he's angry with me

192 replies

BananaBanana1999 · 02/05/2018 06:50

Woke up this morning to find DH had left a saucepan on the hob with the gas on. Contents of said pan was burnt to a crisp and the saucepan was a write-off. I don't care that the saucepan is ruined (or that the house now smells strongly of chicken) but I very much care that it was a fire risk. DH and I have been living together 6 or so years and in that time he's left the gas on maybe 5-6 times like this. He's also left his keys in the front door (so anyone could get in) 4-5 times, and the one time I went away for a weekend without him, he accidentally overdosed our kitten at the time, who was then rushed to emergency vets and nearly died (kitten is fine now, thank fuck). I didn't think I'd ever forgive him for that, but I did. He is forever leaving our back door open (I usually check and lock it myself now, but if I forget, he never does it). If I've been out all day I'll come home to find that he's forgotten to feed the cats and top up their water.

He says I have trust issues, and I agree with him. I feel like I can't trust him with even the most basic stuff. I feel, at times, rather anxious, and this morning I told him he is very much part of the (anxiety) problem. Am I being too harsh?

He loses his bank card every 3 months (this is no exaggeration). He orders a new one, borrows £100 off me while he waits for the new one to arrive. I don't even mind tbh (it doesn't really impact on me or the safety of the cats), although I just can't comprehend how he loses it so regularly.

AIBU to feel so incredibly frustrated, and also anxious about leaving the cats / house in his care while I'm gone for 4 nights next week?

OP posts:
jacks11 · 02/05/2018 10:09

Your DH may or may not have a disorder which is the cause for this behaviour. IF it is, then clearly it's not his fault- but he could seek help to put strategies in place to improve things. Only he can chose to do this.

However, for me the massive red flag is that he has turned this round on you- to be YOUR issue. Nothing to do with him- he's angry with you and thinks you have trust issues. That would imply that you are wrong not to trust him. Which is clearly absurd given the repeated problems you have outlined. That is shitty behaviour on his part.

Not only that, but his actions (or inactions) are having an impact on your mental health by increasing/causing your anxiety. You say you are seeking help for that through counselling (in a later post)- yet he is doing nothing to address his problems, instead blaming you for "having trust issues" and gets angry with you. That is totally unacceptable in my book. I would be having a very frank discussion with him about his behaviour and how it impacts on you. If he is not willing to seek help- for all of your safety, and for the sake of your mental health, then I don't think I could stay in such a skewed relationship. In matters not whether your DH has ASD, dyspraxia or ADHD (or any combination of them) or any other condition. What matters is that he is putting all the blame on you and doesn't seem to care that his actions are impacting on your mental health.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/05/2018 10:09

Do yourself the biggest favor of your life and leave him. What you deal with now is only going to get worse as the years go by. Is this really how you want to spend your life, being your husband's mummy because he is totally useless? Save yourself from this misery.

Iamnotacerealkiller · 02/05/2018 10:10

i have some of your hubands issues although i have done things to rectify the problems e.g. writing lists, being mindful. having a bag really helps me as i always make sure my phone, keys and purse are in there and return there whenever they come out. havent lost my purse since.

in my case its a very specific problem caused by dyslexia as my short term memory is terrible (proffessionally diagnosed) i will move things and forget, lose my train of thought, get distracted by something else.

lots of these problems can be solved with learning better habits and being aware of the specific problem. my now husband is the one who identified my problem which has enabled me to dp something about it.

ThereIsAlwaysDrama · 02/05/2018 10:10

@LiteraryDevil

Allthewaves · 02/05/2018 10:10

I was going.to.say sleep apnea when you said about being tired

Allthewaves · 02/05/2018 10:11

Sleep apnea gives adhd like symptoms

Jaxhog · 02/05/2018 10:15

As several people have said, put the cats in the cattery and don't give him money when he loses his card. Make him pay to replace anything burnt or broken. Make sure your insurance is up to date, and that your valuables are hidden and locked away. And don't, ever, consider having children with Mr Forgetful.

He needs to have consequences for his behaviour.

Or just leave. Personally, I couldn't cope with such thoughtless behaviour.

Babdoc · 02/05/2018 10:17

How old is he? Because forgetfulness, emotional rigidity, irritability, are all symptoms of dementia. It doesn’t just occur in the elderly - some poor souls can start to be affected in middle age.
I’d have him assessed by his GP, not just for dementia, but all the other possibilities such as ADHD, dyspraxia etc.
If he has none of these, then he’s being unreasonable and inconsiderate to try and blame you for his own failings. You need to weigh up if you want to spend the rest of your life dealing with this, if he has no intention of addressing it.

KriticalSoul · 02/05/2018 10:19

sounds like ADHD or Autism.

I have autism and my short term memory is shite, i'm SO forgetful its not funny.

There are some things he can do with things like door locking and feeding/watering the cats and it about making those actions routine/habit.

Thing is, he HAS to do them regularly consciously for a couple of weeks or more for them to become routine/habit and that means effort on his part to WANT to make that change.

FizzyGreenWater · 02/05/2018 10:20

He might have ASD.

He might have sleep apnea.

He might be depressed.

The only thing we definitely know he has is the desire to completely ignore any issue he has, and turn them back on OP so that actually, her not liking the fact that she could have been burned to death or seen her kitten killed is HER BIG FUCKING PROBLEM and she needs to put up and shut up (aka 'learn to trust' Mr. Fucking Liability Pants).

So, he is a cunt.

He may be a cunt with a whole host of issues.

Or he may just be a plain cunt with no excuse for it.

But, he is still a cunt!

And that is what people are pointing out is Not Ok.

KriticalSoul · 02/05/2018 10:24

And the sleep apnoea NEEDS addressing, before he kills himself or someone else while driving... or dies in his sleep!

Its a contributing factor to why I left ExH, he wouldn't do anything about it, tried the cpap for one night, declared he hated it and never touched it again.. even though his snoring and constant tired/grumpy behaviour impacted severely on the rest of us in the house.. kept me and the kids awake and made life miserable.

paranoidpammywhammy2 · 02/05/2018 10:29

I developed OCD with doors, windows, turning the oven off etc as a result of this kind of behaviour.

I am paranoid about burglars and house fires.

I used to have to stay up really late and do the security checks at night - then stay alert in case he got up to smoke outside and left the door open or left windows open. I put smoke alarms in everywhere.

TomRavenscroft · 02/05/2018 10:39

You don't have trust issues.

In the long term, maybe seek to get him a diagnosis and then treatment for whatever it turns out to be.

In the short term, for the love of God get a catsitter/cattery and a smoke alarm!

3luckystars · 02/05/2018 10:50

I am like this and am capable of doing all those things. I feel terrible now. I hope you can figure out a solution.

Pressuredrip · 02/05/2018 10:53

I've not done the pan on hob thing but I do all the others. I forget about the keys in the front door all the time. I have inattentive ADHD. Maybe it's worth getting this investigated and medication rather than ending the relationship?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 02/05/2018 10:58

Good god, woman, I'm not surprised you have anxiety/stress!?!?!

I could not live like this.

Please tell me you have a smoke alarm!

3luckystars · 02/05/2018 11:02

Actually after reading some replies on here, I have always thought I had ADHD, is there any way of finding out if I do have it? Or any point at this stage (aged 40?) can anything be done or is it just about developing strategies to deal with it.
I have done all the things in your original post, even leaving the cooker rings on. Its gas though and you cant actually see the flame, but I have done it a lot lately and am feeling ashamed at myself reading this (and very sorry for my husband)

Metoodear · 02/05/2018 11:05

My 18 year old is like this we had to instal cameras for when we go away to make sure nothing gets left on in the kitchen it’s rdally tiresome

That he can’t look after anything

lottiegarbanzo · 02/05/2018 11:11

How do you 'send someone for medical investigation'? You can't.

You can only tell them what you're going to do, to protect yourself from risk of death and burglary, if they don't take steps to investigate their own problems.

FinallyHere · 02/05/2018 13:37

Another vote for considering the impact on you and how he handles it, rather than any cause.

I think you know OP, that you are accepting responsibility for things that are his. Do you really want to live like that, to keep him as a sort of pet? If not, what can you do about that?

Motoko · 02/05/2018 13:50

I don't understand how people leave keys in the lock. I mean, you look at the lock, put the key in and turn it, push the door open, while still holding the key. So what happens to stop the step of pulling the key out of the lock. Why let go of the key before removing it?

3luckystars What strategies have you put in place to help you remember things? Because surely, if you're in your 40s, you must have developed some to help you.
I have heard of adults getting diagnoses for ADHD, aspergers etc, but from what I've heard, it is quite hard. First step is to see your GP.

VladmirsPoutine · 02/05/2018 13:59

Divorce him. I couldn't live like this for 6 days, let alone 6 years.

Lovemusic33 · 02/05/2018 14:26

Motoko I usually do it when my hands are full with shopping, put my keys in the door, pick up the bags of shopping leaving the key in the door as I have no free hand to take it out, I plan on going back for it but sometimes I forget and shut the door (easily done).

I think people are being a bit harsh with the ‘leave him’ Hmm
Put strategies in place to remind him, leave notes for him, text reminders, set alarms on his phone (I do this to remind me to do things).

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 02/05/2018 14:37

Put strategies in place to remind him, leave notes for him, text reminders, set alarms on his phone (I do this to remind me to do things)

Why the fuck should the OP have to manage him like a child. Why should she have to give up a portion of her day leaving notes and other reminders because he is too shit and lazy to put these ‘strategies’ in place himself? Do you really think a relationship can be balanced and happy when one party has infantilised themselves to the point that they are liability?

cakeandteajustforme · 02/05/2018 14:43

Not helpful for the bigger picture of the relationship but to avoid the very real fire risk please buy an induction hob and have him learn to put it on a timer!!

Swipe left for the next trending thread