Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I say DH can't be trusted, he's angry with me

192 replies

BananaBanana1999 · 02/05/2018 06:50

Woke up this morning to find DH had left a saucepan on the hob with the gas on. Contents of said pan was burnt to a crisp and the saucepan was a write-off. I don't care that the saucepan is ruined (or that the house now smells strongly of chicken) but I very much care that it was a fire risk. DH and I have been living together 6 or so years and in that time he's left the gas on maybe 5-6 times like this. He's also left his keys in the front door (so anyone could get in) 4-5 times, and the one time I went away for a weekend without him, he accidentally overdosed our kitten at the time, who was then rushed to emergency vets and nearly died (kitten is fine now, thank fuck). I didn't think I'd ever forgive him for that, but I did. He is forever leaving our back door open (I usually check and lock it myself now, but if I forget, he never does it). If I've been out all day I'll come home to find that he's forgotten to feed the cats and top up their water.

He says I have trust issues, and I agree with him. I feel like I can't trust him with even the most basic stuff. I feel, at times, rather anxious, and this morning I told him he is very much part of the (anxiety) problem. Am I being too harsh?

He loses his bank card every 3 months (this is no exaggeration). He orders a new one, borrows £100 off me while he waits for the new one to arrive. I don't even mind tbh (it doesn't really impact on me or the safety of the cats), although I just can't comprehend how he loses it so regularly.

AIBU to feel so incredibly frustrated, and also anxious about leaving the cats / house in his care while I'm gone for 4 nights next week?

OP posts:
CollyWombles · 02/05/2018 09:28

As a chronically forgetful scatter brain myself, I sympathize with your DH. However I also sympathize with you. Sometimes my own forgetfulness has me furious with myself! I am just glad my DH is super laid back and has a superb memory so when I am looking for my phone/card/house keys etc, he knows where they are. He also finds the fact I put things in the wrong places funny.

I think I am ASD though I've never gone for diagnosis. Two of my children are too.

What I would say, is that it does actually bother me, to the point I've done all sorts of online memory tests, I was sure I had something wrong with me. I also started using checklists and getting designated places to put things so I know where they are. Although my DH is lovely, I am always worried he will get fed up of me.

I would ask him to see a GP to see if there is a medical reason for his forgetfulness. If there isn't and he isn't interested in trying to be better, I don't think there is anything you can do other than accept him or leave.

MumofBoysx2 · 02/05/2018 09:30

He probably can't help it! Put the cats in a cattery and leave him notes for the rest. And see if there's a way you can help him with these issues.

Mrstwiddle · 02/05/2018 09:32

ADHD

TheABC · 02/05/2018 09:34

I am scatterbrained and forgetful. It gets worse when I don't sleep properly, so I have put a routine in place to address that. Likewise, there is a note on the door to remind me to lock it and the car and I am currently deep cleaning and tidying the house, so everything has a designated place (until the toddler grabs it). The problem is not your DH's forgetfulness, but the fact he will not seek solutions.

ThereIsAlwaysDrama · 02/05/2018 09:36

Does he have dyspraxia?

Italiangreyhound · 02/05/2018 09:38

"He says I have trust issues, and I agree with him."

I think you simply do not trust him, because he is not trustworthy. It's not really 'trust issues', which suggests it is unfounded.

I think in your shoes I would try and go for counselling to see if you can save this relationship. For me it would be necessary for him to realize that this is not acceptable, because it is a safety issue. If you want kids, and are hoping to have them with him, I'd seriously consider if you think he could cope.

There may be special plugs you can get that can we set on a timer or switch off at a certain time. I;d fix those to anything that might be a problem. I'd switch from gas to electric. I'd look into an alarm for the back door which you have to manually switch off to open the door, or something, if such a thing exists. Our alarm is set each night and the doors need to be shut but not necessarily locked. It does make me feel safer having an alarm.

If you can find a way to help him, it may be worth it. But if he insists that these things are not problems then I think he is in denial.

Italiangreyhound · 02/05/2018 09:40

Does his son (your stepson) live with you part of the time? Is your husband good and caring with him?

systemlakeland · 02/05/2018 09:43

Of course I bring it up with him. He hears it as 'you are shit' when what I'm saying is 'your behaviour has to change'

My ex used to say I made him "feel small" when I brought up stuff like him being on dating sites, spending us into bankruptcy, remortgaging house behind my back, telling lies, etc.

I told him if he wanted to feel good about himself, his behaviour had to reflect that. No use expecting me to overlook his behaviour and tell him he was wonderful.

I think Mummy worshipped him too much.

I believe he used to say I made him "feel small" as a way of turning it back to my unreasonable behaviour and taking the focus of his issues.

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 02/05/2018 09:46

He probably can't help it! Put the cats in a cattery and leave him notes for the rest. And see if there's a way you can help him with these issues.

Actually he probably can help it, he just refuses to take any steps to help address the issue, and why should he, he has a helper monkey at his disposal who can just pick up the slack or deal with the fallout of his negligence.

MrsCatE · 02/05/2018 09:47

OP, you mentioned DH falling asleep in the car? Do you mean nodding off whilst driving?

This is getting me uptight because I was so stupid and stayed with someone like this for years and this was only one shit aspect of his character. In addition to all OP's experiences he'd lose his phone every month. The bank refused to issue any more debit cards after he lost 9 in one year. If he lost something that I also had he would just take it e.g he lost key to bike lock, just took my lock and key.

He went away and left the front door open for THREE days, neighbours eventually noticed (I'd left him by then), shut it and called me.

Thank god he didn't drive.

I appreciate people here trying to diagnose him but some people are just careless, selfish bastards.

Hogtini · 02/05/2018 09:49

If I wanted to save this relationship then I would have to rule out anything medical that could be causing this. If he's not prepared to go to the GP then it would be over for me.

MrsCatE · 02/05/2018 09:49

PanGalactic (yeah to the name! Fellow hitchhiker here) - agreed.

Zaphodsotherhead · 02/05/2018 09:50

I suspect he already knows. That's why he's defensive.

Presuming he's normally internet savvy - I suspect he's already realised that some of what OP says about his behaviour not being NT is true, has googled, possibly even done an online test and found himself a diagnosis. And I am guessing he's terrified that everyone will abandon him once they realise that he's not NT. So he's playing the 'everyone else is wrong, I am fine, this is who I am' card as hard as he can to deflect attention.

Maybe if you can encourage him to see a GP, and actually talk about his issues somehow, instead of him denying them, there may be a way to show him some work-arounds. But if he keeps burying his head in the sand and refusing to acknowledge the problem - well, that's your problem.

keyboardjellyfish · 02/05/2018 09:51

My partner is like this and she's dyspraxic, and has ADHD & is autistic. Making a list of all the things to do before leaving the house as well as leaving notes next to the tap/cooker/fridge/etc has been our saviour. It's not your responsibility to do that of course but you could suggest it to him?

Butterymuffin · 02/05/2018 09:51

One thing I would do is not lend him money next time he loses his bank card. He expects never to have to suffer any consequences of his actions, and that's not good for a person. Even with something like ADHD - there are posts on here from parents about how they've got their kids with ADHD to learn to manage things like this better.

MrsCatE · 02/05/2018 09:52

OP, by agreeing with PanGalactic meant I was in your position and was a 'helper monkey'. I understand how much it wears you down.

keyboardjellyfish · 02/05/2018 09:52

Not saying that armchair diagnosing is a good idea btw- just that what helped us might help your DH.

FizzyGreenWater · 02/05/2018 09:55

I believe he used to say I made him "feel small" as a way of turning it back to my unreasonable behaviour and taking the focus of his issues.

That's not uncommon. If your DH is doing this, OP, then that's the big red flag.

If he were upset with himself, sorry, frustrated, aware he has issues and he makes your life more difficult and even puts you in danger - that would be very different.

But no. The problem is you - how dare you get upset at having your life put at risk, eh? Your fault. You don't trust someone who has shown that you would be an absolute idiot to trust them? No, that's not common sense - it's you having 'trust issues'.

turn it back on him - it's actually easy enough. No need to accuse or blame:

'You're right, DH, this is just so unfair on you. Just because you almost killed the kitten with carelessness, how dare I be so hard on you as to worry about if we ever had kids? Just because you almost burned the house down with us in it, how dare I say I feel unsafe with you? Just because you lose your card, leave the doors open regularly, how dare I infantalise you by constantly checking those things? You're right - I have trust issues, a loving wife would absolutely continue to ignore your behaviour for the rest of her life and just be put at risk, because the most important thing is your feelz man. I don't deserve you DH, I should set you free to find a woman who won't be so horribly hard on you. A no-fault divorce is fine - you're right, you've done nothing wrong.'

:)

sadie9 · 02/05/2018 09:57

I'd be wary of having kids with him to be honest. Would he leave the child in the car seat and forget about them for 4 hours?
How could you forget a saucepan on the cooker, late at night? Unless you had been drinking, or had early dementia or somesuch. Or some sort of other issue that is pre-occuping your mind and affecting your memory. It sounds like my elderly mum in the early years before her dementia became obvious.
It's not really a trust issue. It's a capability issue. Is he capable of managing himself safely in life? Do you end up doing a lot for him, like his carer? Yelling I don't trust you isn't really the truth, because he's not stealing from you or lying, or cheating on you.
You are treating him like he's just like everyone else, when he's not. You need to take account of the context of what issues he has.

LiteraryDevil · 02/05/2018 09:58

Why is this kind of behaviour very frequently blamed on asd or adhd? Can no one just be an irresponsible dick anymore without it having to be medicalised? I'm not disputing those with an actual medical diagnosis but there seems to be an inordinate number of people with these conditions these days. Prevalence is reported by academic journals to be less than 5% in adults for adhd and 1% for asd. Figures vary depending on the source but remain similar.

OP he's a dick that won't take responsibility for his behaviour. The bit where you said he told you "this is just who I am" or however it was phrased tells you all you need to know. Plus that he won't get help for sleep apnoea. I couldn't live with him and would leave, take the kittens with you, and leave him to his patheticness.

theunsure · 02/05/2018 10:04

I am forever forgetting to lock the door and when I lived on my own my neighbours used to regularly post my keys through my letterbox as I'd left them in the door and gone to bed. It drives DH mad as but I genuinely can't seem to help it.

So I think that sort of thing is understandable, everyone has something they are bad at but the rest isn't - I have never lost a bank card so to do so frequently is odd and the lack of care with the cats would be a complete deal breaker.

If he refuses to get help for this then that says it all.

hackmum · 02/05/2018 10:06

"He says I have trust issues."

That's a classic piece of gaslighting if ever I saw it.

Obviously the problem is with him, not you. I have some sympathy with absent-mindedness (I have been known to leave the gas on myself more than once) but what would worry me is that he doesn't see it as a problem. You can use techniques to make yourself remember stuff (even if just writing it down, as another poster said) but if he doesn't acknowledge that he has a problem, it's never going to get any better.

Jaxhog · 02/05/2018 10:07

You both have trust issues!

He's careless and can't be trusted.
You don't trust him.

He has to fix his issues before you can fix yours. YANBU. I'd be calling every day you're away next and be giving him a list of things to check.

Lovemusic33 · 02/05/2018 10:08

I think some people are being a little bit harsh, I don’t think he does these things on purpose. He’s just forgetful. I am pretty forgetful myself but haven’t burnt the house down yet and no one has broken into my house from me leaving the keys in the front door (the postman often knickers and tells me). I have put eggs on to boil a few times and forgotten about them, I have left my cash card in the machine a few times and even left cash in the machine and walked away. I can’t help it, I’m just forgetful but I have managed to raise 2 kids without too many problems. I now write things down and leave notes for myself. Sometimes I will get up and write a lest of important things I need to do so I don’t forget.

ThereIsAlwaysDrama · 02/05/2018 10:08

but there seems to be an inordinate number of people with these conditions these days

Approximately 1/5 children have a specific learning need. That includes conditions such as dyslexia, dyspraxia and ADHD, all of which have poor organisation as a possible indicator. These children will grow into adults, it's fair to say that it is likely approximately 1/5 adults have a SpLN.

Not as uncommon as you think.