I say DH can't be trusted, he's angry with me

[BananaBanana1999]

Woke up this morning to find DH had left a saucepan on the hob with the gas on. Contents of said pan was burnt to a crisp and the saucepan was a write-off. I don't care that the saucepan is ruined (or that the house now smells strongly of chicken) but I very much care that it was a fire risk. DH and I have been living together 6 or so years and in that time he's left the gas on maybe 5-6 times like this. He's also left his keys in the front door (so anyone could get in) 4-5 times, and the one time I went away for a weekend without him, he accidentally overdosed our kitten at the time, who was then rushed to emergency vets and nearly died (kitten is fine now, thank fuck). I didn't think I'd ever forgive him for that, but I did. He is forever leaving our back door open (I usually check and lock it myself now, but if I forget, he never does it). If I've been out all day I'll come home to find that he's forgotten to feed the cats and top up their water.

He says I have trust issues, and I agree with him. I feel like I can't trust him with even the most basic stuff. I feel, at times, rather anxious, and this morning I told him he is very much part of the (anxiety) problem. Am I being too harsh?

He loses his bank card every 3 months (this is no exaggeration). He orders a new one, borrows £100 off me while he waits for the new one to arrive. I don't even mind tbh (it doesn't really impact on me or the safety of the cats), although I just can't comprehend how he loses it so regularly.

AIBU to feel so incredibly frustrated, and also anxious about leaving the cats / house in his care while I'm gone for 4 nights next week?

I have a lot of sympathy for scatter brainedness but he’s taking the piss especially regarding the cat.

I have fucked up a few times, my husband too, but never to the point of endangering someone.

I’m wary of being too strict (my mum is the type who makes a huge scene because you left a piece of paper on a chair or some shit) but endangering your cat and almost burning down the house multiple times? Nah.

Op, SN-special needs. Sounds like dyspraxia or some sort of neurological disabikity. Has he been to the GP, been referred to a specialist for investigation. Sounds like he can't help it, not like he can't be arsed.

He does drink, but is very rarely drunk

The thing is, very few people who drink too much are what you'd describe as drunk. How much does he drink? I ask because I always know when my dad and dh are drinking too much because they start doing similar things (not quite on the same level, but leaving keys in doors and forgetting conversations they've had is a classic sign).

He doesn't have to lock the back door etc, as you refuse to trust him and give him responsibility. Why should he bother!? If you don't want him, I'm sure someone else will.

Have not read through, apologies, I am skimming mn this am, but neither of you smelt the burning pan? honestly? And your kitchen alarm didn't go off? Actually mine is heat rather than smoke but I think it would be set off by a burning pan.

"He may have a disorder, but he's attempting to paint it as OP's 'trust issues',"

Spot on.

If you have problems dealing with basic features of adult life like this, you need to take responsibility and see a doctor, get diagnosed, and get help to cope with ordinary demands so that you and those you live with are safe. You do not simply waft through life expecting everyone else to look after your shit because you have 'a disorder'.

Knowing the reason/s he's like this doesn't change the impact it has on you and you can't take the necessary steps to fix the problem, it has to be him. There's no school to refer him for a diagnosis, no parents to put coping mechanisms in place, as an adult he has to be the one to acknowledge there's an issue and seek information and support that will help him address it.

If he's refusing to even accept there's a problem and throwing it back on you (trust issues my arse!) then all you can decide is whether you're prepared to continue like this. He's burying his head in the sand, perhaps he needs to be told that if the only options he gives you are take me or leave me then going with the second one is a distinct possibility!

Sounds like he needs to see the GP if he has memory problems

Sounds like ADHD.

I was diagnosed last year, but had developed strategies to prevent such incidences (after they happened once or twice).

It sounds like he doesn't care enough about home safety and security to do this.

The problem is this fucker's massive sense of entitlement. He expects everyone else to indulge him, look after him, and clear up his messes - and if they don't, he is angry with them rather than apologising for his own failures. He doesn't want to seek any kind of help or coping strategy, because he's far too special: other people should just stop complaining and serve him, because that's what they are for.

OP, you imply your parents trained you to be 'responsible' - men like your H tend to have something of a radar for women they can guilt trip and manipulate into looking after them uncomplainingly.

And, whether or not he has SN or some kind, he's still behaving like a dick by making messes and expecting OP just to clear up after him with an indulgent smile, rather than looking for strategies to solve the problem.

I think Hasanyone's post sums it up.
He endangered your life and doesn't care. The end.

Putting any possible diagnosis aside, this is a word from someone 20 years down the line from you. My XP was like this - still is - and because I am a coper and a fixer I put up with it until it nearly broke me. What it came down to with him was he cannot take responsibility. He struck gold with me because I am a very safe pair of hands and I coped for him for YEARS. But ultimately he was not willing to put any long term coping strategies into place so everything fell to me. 3 children, ongoing depression and a lot of resentment later, he is my ex. I didn’t realise I didn’t have to put up with his shit and that I deserved better. MN has been a huge part in helping me see that. to you.

You need a cold hard talk to him, painting it like your at fault, when he clearly is not responsible, to the point of endangering life is wrong. If he admitted he has problems and wanted to help himself by seeing tge GP. Don't have kids with this man, leave if it's impacting on you.

I have memory issues due to chronic illness - the difference is that I take steps to prevent dangerous situations and he doesn’t. That’s why I would leave.

BrandNewHouse Interesting you see it that way. I actually think you're being unfair. Of course I bring it up with him. He hears it as 'you are shit' when what I'm saying is 'your behaviour has to change' (which is what I actually say to him - I don't just go off on one telling him what a crap husband he is).

Honestly, talking about this on here has really helped. His behaviour has to change, he has to be willing to put some rules / systems in place to protect us all. That's the conversation we need to have. If he is completely unwilling, then perhaps I will have to consider leaving.

Sounds like adult ADHD - reminder notes and routines may help.

theeyeofthestormchaser I don't! But that will be rectified in the next week - thank you for the reminder!!!!!

Does he go to bed at a sensible time?

I'm agreeing with the others saying it could be related to autism/dyspraxia etc. If this is his main problem it's understandable that he may not have had it picked up on when younger as there is often someone else to organise you as a kid ( your mum) and you don't have the responsibility.

I have this problem with forgetfulness and I have had to learn to manage it. The number of times I have lost my keys/purse/phone! I have an alarm on my phone to check on things now and checklists. I have trained myself to slow down and double check things like my phone being in my pocket. I also do damage limitation, I try to only come in the back door to avoid leaving my keys in the front door lock. It's all about having aids to memory and forcing yourself to use them (e.g not turning the alarm off and thinking 'I can do that in a minute,' - put it on snooze! ) My Dh does help me by reminding me to check I have my bag if we are out and things.
As pp said he has to admit he has a problem in order to do something about it. However maybe because OP was justifiably angry it made him defensive but if you talk about it calmly he may admit to it then.

As a painstaking and careful character this would drive me to the edge of insanity - I wouldn't have lasted three months with someone like this without wanting to jump off a cliff - or push him off one.

For your sake, and the cats, I'd book them into a cattery for the duration. I'd seriously consider getting out of this relationship as it really does sound as if he's more trouble than he's worth.

Maybe he can't help it but it's making you ill too.

How old is he? Could it be early signs of dementia?

OH has a terrible memory, but he has had sleep apnoea for a while and has a CPAP machine now. He was sent for a scan last year and they discovered that he had had a silent stroke. Neither he nor the doctors know when it might have happened though. This has damaged part of his brain and made him really forgetful. Fortunately not dangerously so, but I have to be the responsible one in our house, chasing after him and our very stressed teenager.

DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH THIS MAN
Unless he can accept that your so called 'trust issues' with him are absolutely justifiable, and promises to take steps towards rectifying his lack of responsibility, then I think I'd seriously consider ending the relationship!

I could have written this about my OH and he has ADHD. Obviously you can't diagnose someone from a MN post but it's worth considering - rather than framing it as you being angry at him (which I totally get, because it is infuriating!), approach it as a problem that needs looking at in your shared life together.