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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell new parents not to make a rod for their backs

380 replies

PenelopeChipShop · 30/04/2018 21:10

I’ve thought about how to phrase this but I really want to post it. I just feel like i’ve made so many mistakes and I don’t want others to go through the same.

My DC are 5 (nearly 6) and 2 and neither are good sleepers. I didn’t sleep train either of them and was quite laid back/ attachment parent-ish about their sleep, believing all the relaxed people (lots of them on the munsnet sleep boards!) who said that children will sleep through when they’re ready, you won’t regret the cuddles, etc. I was confident in my choice and while I didn’t judge those who did sleep training, I thought it wasn’t for us.

Well almost 6 years of sleep deprivation have taken my youth, sanity, skin quality, patience and all my confidence in what I thought was the right path. It also isn’t an exaggeration to say that conflict over how to handle sleep issues played a huge part in ending my marriage.

I am now a LP to two children who still don’t sleep, ex H doesn’t have them overnight (though he has said he will ‘in future’ - I think this means when the little one is weaned off boob, which I do understand tbf) and every morning I wake up sandwiches between them, utterly exhausted, and angry because it takes all fucking evening to get them to bed. I have no energy or time for myself, all because I thought Dr Sears was right about traumatising children who are left to cry.

Well guess what, he is a man who has never actually breastfed every fucking night for hundreds of nights on end. So he can stuff his theories up his arse.

AIBU to tell new parents to get their kids used to self setting and to night wean them earlyish (6-12 months) so they don’t end up like me, ie a husk of their former selves.

OP posts:
EB123 · 30/04/2018 21:28

YABU i have never sleep trained (3 children ) and have had no issues. All children are different.

TheEagle · 30/04/2018 21:28

YABU, there’s so much more to infant and child sleep than “training” or “self-settling”.

YANBU to rant, and sleep deprivation is truly horrendous so Flowers

GinIsIn · 30/04/2018 21:28

I tend to find it best to ignore anyone who uses the phrase ‘rod for their own back’. We didn’t sleep train, offered as many cuddles as he wanted, have never left DS to cry, and although there have been some bad nights he’s a pretty good sleeper. Some children are, some aren’t. It’s just the way it goes.

AssassinatedBeauty · 30/04/2018 21:30

YABU, my children are very similar ages and I did exactly as you did with them. They both sleep through and I've not had any major issues with either of them.

I really do think it's down to the individual child as to how they sleep and what you do as a parent makes very little difference.

MsP0b · 30/04/2018 21:30

YANBU

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/04/2018 21:32

I'm sorry you're having a hard time.

DD didn't sleep through, was a terrible sleeper but I didn't sleep train her and BFed her to sleep. Now she is the best sleeper of all her friends.

LorelaiVictoriaGilmore · 30/04/2018 21:32

YANBU to be tired and have a rant but I don't think there's a 'right' answer that works across the board. I breastfed ds until he was 2, co-slept etc. and he has slept through the night every night since he was 15 months old (he is now nearly 3) in his own cot 8pm until 8am.

Lloyd45 · 30/04/2018 21:32

I didn't sleep train my first until a year old, that was the hardest year of my life, sleep trained 2nd child, slept through from 8 weeks old, never left to cry, just in a really good routine from 2 weeks and it so worked. Always put child in cot to sleep best thing I ever did, I love being a mum but I also love my sleep Smile

neversleepagain · 30/04/2018 21:32

I sleep trained my twins from very early on and I ended up with two great sleepers from 3 months old. Maybe it was down to luck or personality (they are completely different in personality fwiw) but I know it was the sleep training.

Fruitcorner123 · 30/04/2018 21:32

I really feel for you, your situation sounds particularly extreme. However there are plenty of parents who dont sleep train but still manage to get a child who sleeps in their own bed and bedroom from a reasonable age.

I don't agree with night weaning from 6 months that would be considered quite early and none of mine did that but somewhere between 1 and 2 they dropped the one night time feed and by 2 they were sleeping through. I never sleep trained but I didn't cosleep with them as toddlers either.

I hope you manage to get the solution to your problems. 6 really is very old to still not sleep through (I know you kmow that and it's no help to say it ) maybe the school.nurse could give you some advise or a health visitor?

Theducksarenotmyfriends · 30/04/2018 21:35

Yanbu. I thought when pregnant I'd be really into attachment parenting, co sleeping etc. It was awful. For the first 6 months she didn't sleep longer than an hour, maybe 2 if I was lucky, at a time. It was killer and didn't help with pnd! We started gentle sleep training at 6 months (to teach her to self settle) - it went really well. Then completely night weaned her at 12 months (I thought it'd be hard but she didn't even notice!) Which is when she finally started sleeping through the night, amazing!

My friend has a dd same age and still co sleeps, bf all night, and she still wakes every couple hours every night. It's killing her, it makes me really worried for her. I know it works well for some people but just wasn't for me.

fleshmarketclose · 30/04/2018 21:35

I think it's more down to the child than the method tbh. I have four who slept through from 6 weeks and rarely if ever had a disturbed night outside of illness. Then I had ds with ASD who hasn't slept through the night in 23 years, even the psychologist admitted that she had nothing else to suggest as we had done all the methods.

ginswinger · 30/04/2018 21:35

I completely agree with you.

I was a single mother from the start and my lovely, very kind HV got me a good book on sleep training and suggested I read it. I started at 6 months and it utterly saved me. I now have a very thoughtful, sweet natured 7yo fast asleep upstairs.

Custardee · 30/04/2018 21:35

I hate the phrase 'sleep training'. It sounds harsh and implies you're forcing your ideas on a child. However, i do believe that the self soothing skills I tried hard to instil in my DS have resulted in him settling easily to sleep ad sleeping well...in contrast with my DD who I had a relaxed 'she'll do it when she's ready' approach - she took ages to learn to get herself to sleep. Having watched mums and, more worryingly, children coping with sleep deprivation and the effect that it has on their learning, behaviour and health, it's an easy one for me, I'd give your experience and advice and leave it with them.

tomhazard · 30/04/2018 21:35

I encouraged my DC to self-settle after a few months and have never let them sleep in my bed unless ill. Sometimes this has meant trudging back and forth to their beds a million times till they get the message but it has saved my sanity and enabled me to work without feeling like shit. If I hadn't I have no doubt I would feel like you OP, so no YANBU to say this.

Unicorndiscoball · 30/04/2018 21:35

It’s hard to know what’s right to do. I spent my maternity leave a nervous wreck, driving myself into PND with an obsessive need to track DS’s sleep at all times-if he didn’t nap I would be beside myself, I never once switched the light on in the night or took him downstairs after bedtime, even when he was ill etc etc etc. I was not remotely flexible and he’d never stayed up past 8.30pm until he was 5.
I regret not following his lead and not having the confidence to throw Gina Ford in the bin and follow my own instincts. Anxiety ruined my maternity leave and whenever I look back on that time I feel sad at the energy I wasted on that, when I could’ve been enjoying being off work.

He’s now 6, and a (mostly) good sleeper, who will try every sneaky trick in the book to sleep in with me at every opportunity. Nothing would make him happier than co-sleeping permanently but he is such a wriggler I only let him when he’s ill.

Original poster
PenelopeChipShop · 30/04/2018 21:36

Lifeontheoceanwave I agree wholeheartedly with your post! Am currently trying to teach the little one to settle in the cot (with me in the room still!) hence my frustrated post after getting back downstairs post-9pm whencalready exhausted. I’m hungry but can’t be bothered to cook, I have work to finish and can’t think. I’m sorry, I know i’m moaning. I have two healthy children and I am grateful for that. But i’m So, so, so tired.

And my ex DH is shacked up with a woman ten years younger than me, sees the kids twice a week and hands them back over saying they’re ‘so easy’ so well behaved, such a pleasure’. Well yeah, one Sunday afternoon is really equivalent to THE REST OF THE FUCKING WEEK you knobhead. Sorry getting sidetracked.

OP posts:
Addy2 · 30/04/2018 21:36

I did attachment training for work recently and there are very compelling reasons not to leave babies to cry under 1 year of age. I think yanbu to share your experiences, but yabu to presume that the same situation will befall everyone who doesn't sleep train.

Metoodear · 30/04/2018 21:37

Totally agree it’s lies

Children who don’t sleep or eat are a night mare had a blip with dd 5 two years ago I was on the edge nearly every day

Sleep training

I have a dear fraud who is doing AP hasn’t slept for 4 years she is on tears on adult basis

savagehk · 30/04/2018 21:37

All children are different, all families are different. We never sleep trained and I don't regret not sleep training. Eldest was in his own bed before 2y (although still had on average one wake up a night). You are perfectly within your rights to say how you feel and what your experience has been, however.
We tried night weaning at 2y and it didn't work. It happened of its own accord between then and 2.5y.

TaggieRR · 30/04/2018 21:37

I’m so sorry you’re having a tough time OP. Could you maybe work on the 5 year old to sleep better with reward charts etc as they are a little bit older? Maybe the 2 year old May follow their lead. I hope things improve.

derxa · 30/04/2018 21:37

Well guess what, he is a man who has never actually breastfed every fucking night for hundreds of nights on end. So he can stuff his theories up his arse. That's very funny and you're right. I'm sorry your marriage ended. You sound lovely. All the best.

Theducksarenotmyfriends · 30/04/2018 21:37

Also I think lots of the attachment parenting type gurus are quite anti feminist imo as it puts all the onus on the woman to deal with all night time parenting.

ScrappyScrap · 30/04/2018 21:37

The little one doesn't need to feed over night so absolutely send him round and then don't open the door that night.

Utter bullshit he can't take them and would help you establish a sleep pattern if he gets used to not needing boob at night.

Lindy2 · 30/04/2018 21:39

Every child is different. It's really nothing to do with what you did and didn't do. Please don't think a different approach would have definitely meant a different result. BFing and co sleeping has given your children a secure and loving environment ghatvworks for many. If you feel things need to change now then you can do that.
Would a reward chart or promise of a small treat encourage your eldest to self settle and stay in their bed all night? Would night weaning your 2 year old help give you better sleep? These are things you can do now without regretting the approach you took in the past.