To tell new parents not to make a rod for their backs

[PenelopeChipShop]

I’ve thought about how to phrase this but I really want to post it. I just feel like i’ve made so many mistakes and I don’t want others to go through the same.

My DC are 5 (nearly 6) and 2 and neither are good sleepers. I didn’t sleep train either of them and was quite laid back/ attachment parent-ish about their sleep, believing all the relaxed people (lots of them on the munsnet sleep boards!) who said that children will sleep through when they’re ready, you won’t regret the cuddles, etc. I was confident in my choice and while I didn’t judge those who did sleep training, I thought it wasn’t for us.

Well almost 6 years of sleep deprivation have taken my youth, sanity, skin quality, patience and all my confidence in what I thought was the right path. It also isn’t an exaggeration to say that conflict over how to handle sleep issues played a huge part in ending my marriage.

I am now a LP to two children who still don’t sleep, ex H doesn’t have them overnight (though he has said he will ‘in future’ - I think this means when the little one is weaned off boob, which I do understand tbf) and every morning I wake up sandwiches between them, utterly exhausted, and angry because it takes all fucking evening to get them to bed. I have no energy or time for myself, all because I thought Dr Sears was right about traumatising children who are left to cry.

Well guess what, he is a man who has never actually breastfed every fucking night for hundreds of nights on end. So he can stuff his theories up his arse.

AIBU to tell new parents to get their kids used to self setting and to night wean them earlyish (6-12 months) so they don’t end up like me, ie a husk of their former selves.

I think the important thing is for everyone to have an open mind and be aware there is not one "right" way to raise a child. The problem we have is when methods of parenting are demonised and make people feel bad for using them when the truth is somethings will work for some people and something's won't. I am dreadful on no sleep, there is no way I could function if I hadn't slept properly for years on end, so for me it was important to get babies into a sleep routine, they now sleep well and seem well adjusted humans no different to their friends who weren't encouraged into a routine. Equally for others non sleep training is best and appropriate for them. Let's all just do our best to muddle through

3 kids. All slept through the night from 3 months old. Routine for bedtime. Put up in a dark room alone by 7pm whether awake or not. No breastfeeding at night after 3 weeks. Bottle fed from 3 weeks. It wouldnt be everyone's idea of the right thing to do but it worked

I am all for sleep training because why would you want to spend years cosleeping and comfort feeding a child when after just a few days of pain you can have a child who sleeps through the night in a dark room and self settles?

However I do think that sleep training babies and toddlers requires the parents to be quite emotionally resilient. I always took a gentle approach so would let my baby cry for a couple of minutes, go in and sooth, repeat and then when I could tell they had just about given up the fight id help them sleep by holding their hand / putting my hand on their chest while they fell asleep. Didn’t take long before I could put them down at night and they’d know it was bed time and actually self sooth.

Again in the toddler years when they start getting out of bed in the middle of the night and trying to come into your bed and then scream and cry when you take them back, you have to be prepared to take them back and sooth them and leave them again EVERY single time. This is bloody difficult when you might be up all night over the course of several days and you have work in the morning. But if you are consistent it will work.

So therefore emotional resilience is important for the parents. I managed it with the help of my husband but if I was a single working parent I think I’d have given up and ended up cosleeping.

Some people are also just unable to take listening to their child cry they think it’s their job to rush in and make it all better and if they don’t it’ll somehow emotionally damage their child and the bond they have. The thing is babyhood is just the start of the hard choices you have to make as a parent and you eventually realise that you’re not just there to be your child’s friend and take the easiest option, you’re there to teach them how to be a resilient and independent little person and that requires strength on your part.

why would you want to spend years cosleeping and comfort feeding a child when after just a few days of pain you can have a child who sleeps through the night in a dark room and self settles?

Well, I didn't mind co-sleeping and comfort feeding - in fact I quite liked it. So for me it feels a bit like why would you want to go through days of pain when you can just wait for them to sleep better, they do get there on their own.

in the toddler years when they start getting out of bed in the middle of the night and trying to come into your bed and then scream and cry when you take them back

^ And this doesn't happen if you've coslept as long as they wanted in the first place.

It's not that much of a stretch to realise that different children/parents are different and will find different things easy/hard is it?

@Ziggyzagg
As you say not everyone has the benefit of having a partner to help with sleep training etc, I didn't and had to take the easy route otherwise wouldn't have coped. But actually really glad and wouldn't do it any other way now!