Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hubby been away done something he said he wouldn't , Aibu

244 replies

Janetizzy30 · 30/04/2018 20:20

So my husband is an actor (small non paid films, nothing too big usually between 10 mins and half hour) and he already extended his stay twice. I'm chronically I'll, and at home with the 4 boys up north and he's in London. That's not so much the issue.

My issue is, he always said. ”No matter what he won't do sex scenes, I'm not up for that.” we have had this discussion so many times and always came down to the same conclusion. Any way we haven't had much communication at all, think I've spoken to him properly twice in 10 days and he rings me today, and tells me he did a sex scene. I blew up because instead of ringing me and discussing it quickly he just did it. I would have been fine if he had said....look love, this requires a sex scene, we aren't fully naked, but it will look that way. Is that OK?,...... But he didn't even bother to think of me and got annoyed when I got upset. It was the fact I was an after thought. This was 2 days ago he did this, and it took him til today to tell me....Aibu for being pissed off?

OP posts:
Oliversmumsarmy · 01/05/2018 09:23

DD just worked 12 days on one scene for a huge multi million pound film starring a Hollywood A lister and other famous people. She thinks she will either end up on the cutting room floor or blink and you will miss her.

But she was being paid very very well.

DD will do free stuff if it is close by (we live in London) and it looks like an interesting project and is a 1 or 2 day shoot or to help out a friend but 10 days in Manchester for free would be a definite no even to someone just starting out

Willow2017 · 01/05/2018 09:27

Its a hobby not a job. It's acting YABU. Is he doing free acting in the hope he'll get paid work?

How the hell is op being unreasonable? He has been doing it for years unpaid he is not contributing to the home at all. He gets carers allowance to look after his child but he fucks off and leaves his ill wife to cope on her own for 10 days to play at being an actor hundreds of miles away and expects thier parents to pick up the slack (while he takes the money to swan around london )

Nobody can be stupid enough to think he can do this forever with 4 kids to provide for!

headstone · 01/05/2018 09:37

What can OP do though? If she rocks the boat too much she will be left with 4 kids , two with special needs and not even a part time carer or a mil to help her out plus a chronic illness. 3 of the kids belong to someone else who doesn’t presumably support them. She could try and find another man to take on 4 kids but it’s unlikely he will be of good quality. This man isn’t perfect but it could be worse. He does help out most of the time presumably and she gets help of the mil who seems like the real gem in this situation.

SoyDora · 01/05/2018 09:38

Why would the MIL stop helping if they split? Presumably she’d still the DS4’s grandmother?

RexManning · 01/05/2018 09:46

YANBU, OP.

Your husband is also not an actor, I'm afraid. I know that many people take unpaid gigs to try and break in but at some point either they start getting paid work, get their Equity card and build a proper career, or they accept that it isn't going to happen for them. At 29 and with a family he needs to deal with the fact that he is in the second group. I know it's harsh but that's the industry.

headstone · 01/05/2018 09:47

She might carry on but if things go sour she might be less willing.

SheSparkles · 01/05/2018 09:50

I’m actually really pissed off that he receives carer’s allowance and can manage to fuck off regularly for 4 days, never mind 10!
I work and care for a family member on a daily basis but don’t get carer’s allowance because I work (you know, family to support and other ridiculous things like a mortgage to pay) but by god do I put in the caring hours

willynillypie · 01/05/2018 09:52

WTAF - what an embarrassingly deluded piece of shit this guy is to just abandon his disabled wife and 4 children (irrelevant if 3 are stepchildren, he agreed to take them on) to fuck off for several days at a time AND NOT EVEN GET PAID TO DO SO. WTAF. I can't get over this. He needs to get an actual job. What a sponger.

DougFargo · 01/05/2018 09:53

YABU. It’s part of the role. He’s an actor. It’s like telling a doctor DH he’s not allowed to touch naked women

Lots of actors don't do sex scenes. Its more like telling a dr whose job it is to do mens feet that hes not allowed to touch naked women.

Bluntness100 · 01/05/2018 10:05

It’s part of the role. He’s an actor. It’s like telling a doctor DH he’s not allowed to touch naked women

There is no role. It's just him and his mates making stuff up and filming it, then shoving it on you tube. There is a sex scene in it because him and his mates wanted there to be, so shoved it in there. On that basis I see her issue.

However there is a much bigger issue at hand. He fucks off and mucks about with his mates, doing as he pleases for days on end. Leaving his chronically ill wife and four kids to it.

Sex scene my arse. It's just a bunch of blokes writing scripts and filming it.

UnsuspectedItem · 01/05/2018 10:05

So he's presumably in receipt of benefits yet not actually fulfilling his side of that (being a carer) and instead fucking off for ages at a time doing unpaid "work"?

Lovemusic33 · 01/05/2018 10:20

He’s not really an actor though is he? He’s just a bloke who likes to meet up with his mates and a video camera, he doesn’t get paid, he doesn’t make a living out of it so it’s not technically his job or career.

OP, he sounds like a childish prick. Tell him to get a real job and grow up, he should be taking care of you and the kids not pissing off for ten days to make amiture videos.

Slartybartfast · 01/05/2018 10:48

You are not painting a good picture of him op.
A man child.

Deerdear · 01/05/2018 10:49

Hmmm. I’d be suspicious that this whole thing was cooked up by him and his mates so that he could get off with someone he fancied without “cheating”. Sorry OP but it doesn’t sound like he’s up to much good.

Merryoldgoat · 01/05/2018 11:09

Me, my DH and a large number of our friends were ‘actors’ by your husband’s definition. In our early twenties we devoted our time to am dram and were pretty good (won awards at festivals etc).

However we all had proper full time jobs, prioritised family and knew it to be what it was - A HOBBY.

We’re all well into our 30s now - no acting at all.

You can’t live in that ridiculous and irresponsible way with a family - it’s a single person’s life.

LIZS · 01/05/2018 11:18

Agree with pp. He has responsibilities which should take precedence over such self indulgent "work". The sex scene issue is symptomatic of deeper problems regarding his lack of respect and insight into your needs. When do you get to spend 10 days carefree, doing as you wish with no reference to your p or dc Confused

Idontdowindows · 01/05/2018 11:55

am dram and were pretty good (won awards at festivals etc)

Quite a few amdram people are really frigging good and make you wonder why they're not in it professionally too. But many did, like you, realise there were choices to be made and made the adult choices.

SillySallySingsSongs · 01/05/2018 12:07

Do either of you have a paying job?!

^ this! Who is financing his 'hobby'

YettaTessieMarmelstein · 01/05/2018 12:13

YABU
He doesn’t get to choose if he does a sex scene. My exDH is an actor.

DougFargo · 01/05/2018 12:14

He doesn’t get to choose if he does a sex scene. My exDH is an actor

He does though. He wrote the "script" and hes not actually an actor. Hmm

YettaTessieMarmelstein · 01/05/2018 12:15

Just read the whole thread. So, he isn’t actually an actor?

YettaTessieMarmelstein · 01/05/2018 12:16

YANBU I take it back!

Merryoldgoat · 01/05/2018 13:27

@Idontdowindows

I’ve seen some amazing amateur performers and people said to me more than once that I should consider it as a career. But I’m no fool - people can be kind and ‘big you up’ beyond your ability, especially after a good performance and at the delicious age of 30+ you’re insane if you think you can break into acting and do both.

neveradullmoment99 · 01/05/2018 18:27

Op. Are you sure he's not moving into porn?

Exactly my thoughts.

Dedededeg · 01/05/2018 18:31

He goes away for unpaid "acting" work leaving his chronically ill wife and kids at home. At some point you have to accept that your dream isn't happen and accept reality instead. He isn't an "actor". He is a husband and father.

Actors get paid, he does it as a hobby. If he had gone off on a ten day trip cycling would you think that was ok?

Wake up and stop indulging him in this!