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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hubby been away done something he said he wouldn't , Aibu

244 replies

Janetizzy30 · 30/04/2018 20:20

So my husband is an actor (small non paid films, nothing too big usually between 10 mins and half hour) and he already extended his stay twice. I'm chronically I'll, and at home with the 4 boys up north and he's in London. That's not so much the issue.

My issue is, he always said. ”No matter what he won't do sex scenes, I'm not up for that.” we have had this discussion so many times and always came down to the same conclusion. Any way we haven't had much communication at all, think I've spoken to him properly twice in 10 days and he rings me today, and tells me he did a sex scene. I blew up because instead of ringing me and discussing it quickly he just did it. I would have been fine if he had said....look love, this requires a sex scene, we aren't fully naked, but it will look that way. Is that OK?,...... But he didn't even bother to think of me and got annoyed when I got upset. It was the fact I was an after thought. This was 2 days ago he did this, and it took him til today to tell me....Aibu for being pissed off?

OP posts:
neveradullmoment99 · 30/04/2018 23:00

You lost me when you said he didn't get paid. So it was a choice then? Yes, I would have issues with that and no it wouldn't be the discussion, it would be the act. He is taking the piss.

BlueTrousers · 30/04/2018 23:01

But why would it be fine without the sex scene OP?
Why is it ok that he regularly disappears to twat about play acting for no financial gain while your whole family has to come round to help you parent as you physically aren’t capable and have 2 children with additional needs - he has seriously done a number on you if you think this behaviour is ok
What do the extended family think every time they get a phonecall asking if they can come and parent with you as your children’s actual parent has knobbed off again leaving you stuck

I’m really angry on your behalf
You need to be angrier about this - just why are you putting up with this??

steff13 · 30/04/2018 23:02

Honestly op, I can't believe your issue in this is the sex scene. It would be the least of my worries considering the rest of it.

Same. He's needed at home. And if he isn't, then he could spend his time doing work for which he actually gets paid.

Original poster
Janetizzy30 · 30/04/2018 23:03

He is staying with an actor who lives down there, so he took the role of the first film and this actor friend asked him when there to do this film. He rang and said Saturday, I thought its only 2 more full days and ds4 has been at nannas Thurs - Friday aft, a day and a half, then it got extended again, then he rings me today and tells me about the sex scene and he's not home til tomorrow

OP posts:
Original poster
Janetizzy30 · 30/04/2018 23:08

I am furious, and he knows it. I'm furious that he's gone so long, and furious he hasn't communicated like he usually would. Never before has he gone away for any amount of time and not communicated with me every night, or if I've been away the same, to see what the kids are up to and how the days been. And to keep extending when he could have said well I'll come back and do the couple of days rest that need doing, which he said he could of but decided not to. It has pissed me right off, and he is in the dog house when he returns.

OP posts:
Original poster
Janetizzy30 · 30/04/2018 23:10

I honestly don't know what anyone else thinks of it except mil, she thinks he's in the wrong too, bit she doesn't say anything as she hates confrontation and knows he will argue with her.

OP posts:
BlueTrousers · 30/04/2018 23:13

I think you’re missing the point

It’s not about how long he’s away
Or how many times he rings
He shouldn’t be going full stop
Do you not agree?

FASH84 · 30/04/2018 23:13

OP how old is he and how long has he been trying to make it in that industry?

JiminyBillyBob · 30/04/2018 23:13

He’s not an actor if he isn’t getting paid. It isn’t a job. I’d be more fucked off about that.

AfterSchoolWorry · 30/04/2018 23:15

He's an actor that doesn't get paid?

So, it's a hobby? He's off doing his hobby, which includes sex scenes while you're ill and care for four kids?

You must be mad to put up with that. He's a selfish, feckless prick. No contact either? Dodgy.

Duck90 · 30/04/2018 23:18

It’s a very self indulgent hobby he has. If he can go away for extended periods, then he doesn’t see his caring responsibilities as that vital to you and the children.

Original poster
Janetizzy30 · 30/04/2018 23:19

He's 29, been trying for years on and off. Like I say he has never been away this long, its been no more than 4 days, and I usually am prepared with support (going my mums or mil) and I have it written on calendar, and let people know etc. It has really upset me he hasn't thought two monkeys about any of it this time, because as I say, until this time, we usually discuss everything and communicate.

OP posts:
Idontdowindows · 30/04/2018 23:20

So does he have an actual job OP?

BlueTrousers · 30/04/2018 23:23

Still not really fair on your family though is it
They’re not your carers, your children aren’t their responsibilities
They shouldn’t regularly having you all pitched up at their house for days on end while your partner is on a jolly

steff13 · 30/04/2018 23:24

He's 29, is there an expiration date on this? I mean, have you agreed that at some point if he's not earning regular pay as an actor he'll focus on something else?

Duck90 · 30/04/2018 23:25

So if he does get a job, say on coronation street, will he then be available to work full time? Will he be fine with no longer being a full time career?

Original poster
Janetizzy30 · 30/04/2018 23:25

The 3 older kids aren't his, but he took them on as his, before we had ds4. But its ds4 who is hard work he is a daddies boy and is going through the demanding stage, tantrums, usual 3 yr old stuff. My D's 3 (autistic/ADHD child) has medication and routine that we stick to strictly, he is told in advance of things are going to be a bit different, and the oldest 2 are 13 and 12 and quite sensible.

OP posts:
Original poster
Janetizzy30 · 30/04/2018 23:26

I don't go to my parents for days on end, I will go for an afternoon. Mil lives nearby and has ds4 every other Thursday, and will pop in for a couple of hours and make sure I'm ok

OP posts:
Original poster
Janetizzy30 · 30/04/2018 23:28

No he doesn't have an actual job

OP posts:
OohMavis · 30/04/2018 23:28

Do you ever see these films?

He's taking the fucking piss.

HotSauceCommittee · 30/04/2018 23:31

When do you get to bugger off doing what you want for 10 days?

HotSauceCommittee · 30/04/2018 23:32

And yes, as Mavis said, he’s taking the piss.

BlondeB83 · 30/04/2018 23:32

This is the kind of thing my DH did at uni for a laugh/experience. He needs to get a job!

AfterSchoolWorry · 30/04/2018 23:33

So he's a cocklodger.

Original poster
Janetizzy30 · 30/04/2018 23:35

Yes I have seen them, they are usually 10-20 minute youtube films. This is a short film to raise awareness of drugs, about 45 mins (apparently). As I've said, I've told him he's taking the piss and yet he can't see it. I don't mind a day, or if it's further afield, then about 4, but usually, its a day, maybe two

OP posts:
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