Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hubby been away done something he said he wouldn't , Aibu

244 replies

Janetizzy30 · 30/04/2018 20:20

So my husband is an actor (small non paid films, nothing too big usually between 10 mins and half hour) and he already extended his stay twice. I'm chronically I'll, and at home with the 4 boys up north and he's in London. That's not so much the issue.

My issue is, he always said. ”No matter what he won't do sex scenes, I'm not up for that.” we have had this discussion so many times and always came down to the same conclusion. Any way we haven't had much communication at all, think I've spoken to him properly twice in 10 days and he rings me today, and tells me he did a sex scene. I blew up because instead of ringing me and discussing it quickly he just did it. I would have been fine if he had said....look love, this requires a sex scene, we aren't fully naked, but it will look that way. Is that OK?,...... But he didn't even bother to think of me and got annoyed when I got upset. It was the fact I was an after thought. This was 2 days ago he did this, and it took him til today to tell me....Aibu for being pissed off?

OP posts:
ShinyShooney · 30/04/2018 22:29

YANBU.

It's a hobby not paid work.

No different than going the local Am/Dram and snogging the face off Mrs down the road just because its in the script. That is not on.

ShinyShooney · 30/04/2018 22:30

I couldn't put up with that. I'd be thinking "Did he change his mind and do the scene because he fancied the actress".

What made him change his mind?

steff13 · 30/04/2018 22:33

So is he being paid or not?

reetgood · 30/04/2018 22:36

My partner is an actor. I deal with the unsociable hours because that’s the nature of the job. Forget the sex scene, he’s doing unpaid work and he’s got a chronically ill partner and four kids? He is being unreasonable. He needs to get real and stop doing freebies. Like everyone says, if you’re not getting paid it’s a hobby. I suppose they all promise exposure and showreel Hmm

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 30/04/2018 22:38

I don't really understand this. You fully support his acting and all you wanted was a call saying "Hey babe, I'm in a sex scene" Confused
I'm not sure why you're so pissed off then.

Hopefully he would support you in pursuing interests outside of the home too and it's not all one sided.

Original poster
Janetizzy30 · 30/04/2018 22:39

He isn't paid bit truing to work that way. However, I have told him he's been unreasonable in expecting me to look after the kids the extra days without prep for support. I can just about walk, use a stick, struggle to get up off the settee, so if my youngest decided to be superman or something I couldn't jump up and run straight to him if he hurts himself. I told him I need clear compromise, due to needing prep and clear communication. Its not right he says one thing then breaks it without discussion. He has changed things before unawares to me and its the one thing that gets me as I have to try to navigate mine and kids life around it

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 30/04/2018 22:40

I don't really understand.

So he goes away and does unpaid acting, but gets bed/board/travel paid for. Does he do paid work? Ever? Does he do anything he's paid for?

How old is he?

Four kids and a sick wife, I'm hoping this dude has an actual job. And doesn't just keep fucking off and leaving the op to do this.

Bluntness100 · 30/04/2018 22:41

He isn't paid bit truing to work that way

I'm sorry I don't understand this.

Bluntness100 · 30/04/2018 22:41

Oh trying!

So he has no paid job?

Original poster
Janetizzy30 · 30/04/2018 22:42

No a quick discussion, explaining what was going on and if I was comfortable with it.

OP posts:
ScreamingValenta · 30/04/2018 22:44

Does he have a 'day job' in addition to his unpaid extras work?

I can't understand why you support a hobby that entails 10 day jaunts to London when he doesn't seem to be supporting you in parenting your four children, especially as you have a chronic illness which impairs your mobility.

If he wants to act, can't he join a local theatre group, so he could enjoy his hobby in way more suited to his responsibilities as a father?

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 30/04/2018 22:45

You're right. He is being unreasonable and I'm glad you're making that clear to him. I was worried you were being some sort of doormat!

It must feel like he wants to go off having fun and almost forgets you and his family at home- not bothering to call or tell you what he's doing. That's probably what's pissing you off. For a start, it's disrespectful and self absorbed of him.

LIZS · 30/04/2018 22:45

Is this a student film or for a showreel? Surely otherwise he would have had the script in advance.

Original poster
Janetizzy30 · 30/04/2018 22:45

No he hasn't, my son is on DLA for autism/ADHD so we both care for him, as I can't handle his melt downs any more as I haven't the strength. Luckily my 3 older children(including autistic) have been stars this week and half, its the 3 yr old, missing daddy and getting confused as to why he isn't back yet.

OP posts:
Original poster
Janetizzy30 · 30/04/2018 22:47

He went down to do another short comedy film (which he wrote the script for free) and the guy wanted him to do this film too. He thought it would only take a couple of days but other actors had delays coming down so it took longer

OP posts:
Original poster
Janetizzy30 · 30/04/2018 22:48

He thinks I'm being unreasonable by the way

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 30/04/2018 22:49

I don't understand how he is your sons carer if he fucks off for ten days and you don't know when he's coming back.

Basically he's unemployed and simply fucks off and does unpaid acting work when he can. Leaving you to cope with four kids, inc two with additional needs on uour own, when you're physically unable?

And you fully support this?

Bluntness100 · 30/04/2018 22:51

Honestly op, I can't believe your issue in this is the sex scene. It would be the least of my worries considering the rest of it.

BlueTrousers · 30/04/2018 22:53

He’s taking you for an absolute mug Jane he really is

Original poster
Janetizzy30 · 30/04/2018 22:54

If I'm prepared and have family support...my parents, his mum etc, then I can deal with it. It was origanlly supposed to be Thursday he was back, then Saturday then today/ early tomorrow. I managed to cope because 3 yr old has nursery on Tues and wed (full days) and mil has him overnight every other Thursday and this week was her week. Also we managed to go to a market with mil on Sunday, which was prearranged so I was prepared. But if it wasn't that week and if it was holidays, and my parents were helping my siblings (who are all babies) then I'd be screwed

OP posts:
ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 30/04/2018 22:54

I think you need to reconsider being Fully Supportive of His Acting. You and your children are paying heavily for his fun trips away.

I'd find it very hurtful that he hasn't been in regular contact with you, particularly in light of your difficulties coping. Is he not at all concerned about how you're doing at home?

You don't have to put up with that shit. Maybe he's told you it'll all be worth it when he makes it big? Sorry but the chances of that happening are very slim indeed Sad

Original poster
Janetizzy30 · 30/04/2018 22:56

Bluntness its not the scene that's the issue, its that he didn't discuss it with me and make sure I wasn't uncomfortable, and reassure me, the fact he said he would refuse to do one, did it anyway, and then didn't tell me for two days. If he'd run it past me it would have been fine.

OP posts:
sugarr · 30/04/2018 22:56

I'm agreeing with @alfiepetition he's not being paid therefore it's a hobby not work. Bit of a weird thread to be honest. Why is he travelling all that way, when he's not even being paid? Suspicious to me OP Hmm

Original poster
Janetizzy30 · 30/04/2018 22:59

As I've said, he's never usually away for that long, 4 days has been his longest, its usually a day or an overnight, and usually I have the chance to go with, (thank god for family) it has come as a shock, that he has barely contacted me, and when I said I need clear guidelines so I can be prepared and get support, he's been all huffy and childish. I wasn't even trying to argue with him, just saying hello, remember I'm I'll, I need communication

OP posts:
ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 30/04/2018 22:59

It might be more fair if your parents drew the carer's allowance and he found paid work.
Is he also getting an allowance as your main carer as well as your dc? If so, he needs to step up. It's pretty selfish to leave you struggling.
I hope you get a break sometimes.