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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hubby been away done something he said he wouldn't , Aibu

244 replies

Janetizzy30 · 30/04/2018 20:20

So my husband is an actor (small non paid films, nothing too big usually between 10 mins and half hour) and he already extended his stay twice. I'm chronically I'll, and at home with the 4 boys up north and he's in London. That's not so much the issue.

My issue is, he always said. ”No matter what he won't do sex scenes, I'm not up for that.” we have had this discussion so many times and always came down to the same conclusion. Any way we haven't had much communication at all, think I've spoken to him properly twice in 10 days and he rings me today, and tells me he did a sex scene. I blew up because instead of ringing me and discussing it quickly he just did it. I would have been fine if he had said....look love, this requires a sex scene, we aren't fully naked, but it will look that way. Is that OK?,...... But he didn't even bother to think of me and got annoyed when I got upset. It was the fact I was an after thought. This was 2 days ago he did this, and it took him til today to tell me....Aibu for being pissed off?

OP posts:
MumsGoneToIceland · 01/05/2018 05:09

YANBU - he should have discussed it with you first, if he wanted to change what you had originally agreed.

However, more importantly, if he is not working because he is a carer for your son because you can’t cope if he has a meltdown, what happens if he does have a meltdown whilst he is away?

Eatmycheese · 01/05/2018 05:21

Fucking hell. It’s all a bit self absorbed and indulgent. Definitely deluded too.

Tell him to watch legz akimbo on League of Gentlemen. At least Olly has a van. And gets some paid bookings.

YABU in different ways as is he.
YADNBU to expect your family’s needs to trump some unpaid shit shot on a smartphone .

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/05/2018 05:35

Chances are 50/50 he may have found doing the sex scene a bit yucky tbh. I did. Think smelly fag breath, not washed all day etc. That wouldn’t be the worry for me.

I’m chronically ill. I get to some extent how you’re feeling. Personally I wouldn’t be supporting this at all. Yes, it’s heartbreaking having to give up acting. It’s such and exhilarating experience. But going away like this when he’s a carer imo is a deal breaker and too much. I think you both need to set a limitation on this because it sounds as though he could always be an unpaid actor.

I think he’s either a carer fulltime or he goes and gets a paid job. Right now, he’s not even acting like a proper adult. My dh would never expect of me what yours expects of you. He has a job based at one site and actively has not sought promotion so that he doesn’t have to travel. For dd and for me.

MyOtherProfile · 01/05/2018 05:55

What a mess. I hope out of this you can both have a big rethink about how life works for you as a family and make some changes.

elderflowerandrose · 01/05/2018 06:26

If he has not been paid, then what the hell is he doing in London for ten days pretending to be an actor, whilst you are chronically ill with four dc.

The bigger issue is this surely.

The sex scenes are secondary, you will need to see them to decide. I would not be content with the dishonesty, I would also question why he felt it was proper to break an agreement you both had without discussion?

headstone · 01/05/2018 06:32

The problem is the OP is in a precarious situation. At the moment the current situation suits the DH very nicely. He gets a nice comfortable family life, a wage as a career and is able to go off when he pleases to fulfill his dream / hobby. If the OP was make this situation less comfortable for him and he really had to Rothesay to day caring that she dies without an escape he might abandon the situation entirely leaving the OP alone with 4 children. Presumably the other father or fathers have no input and have already abandoned their children. I feel sorry for the OP - it’s hard being a woman.

FrancisCrawford · 01/05/2018 06:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SilverDragonfly1 · 01/05/2018 06:49

I remember someone posting about a similar issue a couple of years ago- there was certainly a wannabe actor partner involved who was being very selfish. If that post was also by you OP, he's obviously not famous or even highly rated enough to be getting small paid roles after all this time. If it wasn't you, then the same applies really! If he was really dedicated, he wouldn't have married and had four children, because he would have realised how much that would limit his ability to work seriously. This really is just another of the self centred 'hobbies' that people often despairingly post about here.

Unfortunately, whereas most husbands realise they're never going to be a premier league football player or Olympic sportsman and so can be reasoned with, there is no expiry date for the fantasy of massive success with acting...

Springnowplease · 01/05/2018 06:50

He needs to get a proper job. Unpaid bit work isn't acting it's a hobby.

Finnyhaddock · 01/05/2018 06:51

Yes the OP is in a precarious situation and sounds like she is holding on to him by the skin of her teeth and probably doesn’t want to be ‘abandoned’.
Real life vs fantasy for both adults in this scenario, enabled by grandparents. Quite sad.

Rudi44 · 01/05/2018 07:05

I would definitely have more of an issue that he fucks off for days whilst you are ill and home with the kids (4 of them) and he isn't getting paid. What a selfish ass

murphys · 01/05/2018 07:16

Blimey, he's taking the piss. 10 days for a 45 min YouTube video? They filmed part of an Avengers movie near to me, and even they weren't here 10 days.

TammySwansonTwo · 01/05/2018 07:30

He needs to get a grip. I have a drama degree from a very respected institution. I studied with some of the most talented people I’ve ever seen in my life. I can count on one hand the number of them who make a living from acting (and a few directing). He’s 29 and still making shitty short films for which he’s unpaid. He’s not going to be an actor. Best he can do is take on extra work for which he would be compensated, but if he’s getting carers allowance he’s a) probably not allowed to do that and b) should be caring, not lumbering you with it.

PoorYorick · 01/05/2018 07:35

10 days for a 45 minute clip sounds wrong unless there was some very complicated fight choreography or something. Are you sure that's where he was?

Adayindisney67 · 01/05/2018 07:39

So basically..
He left his Ill partner with 4 children for 10 days and pretended to have sex while snogging another womans face off, for absolutely nothing?

Am I right?
Well I know I know where my partners bags would be!

SandyY2K · 01/05/2018 08:14

It's a hobby not a job. It's acting YABU. Is he doing free acting in the hope he'll get paid work?

FASH84 · 01/05/2018 08:18

He's 29 he's been trying for years, he's not even doing theatre he's doing YouTube films, he has four children and a disabled partner to support. Game over OP he needs to grow up, of he is claiming carers allowance and swanning off to do these projects, his indulgence is being funded by the tax payer, he's a man child.

SandyY2K · 01/05/2018 08:19

I saw a similar scenario where a model had agreed not to do lingerie/underwear shoots with her fiance.

On one shoot they asked her to do a lingerie shoot...and she agreed. Her fiance was annoyed about it ...but as a professional..it wouldn't have looked good for her to have to phone and get his permission to do it.

She was happy to do it, so she agreed.

N2986 · 01/05/2018 08:19

Eesh op I wouldn't be happy with this whole set up. Doesn't sound quite right to me sorry

Idontdowindows · 01/05/2018 08:59

He a part time unpaid short film actor.

Nah, he's in amdram.

MadMags · 01/05/2018 09:05

Do either of you have a paying job?!

Bluntness100 · 01/05/2018 09:10

My 13 year old makes 45 minute youtube videos in his bedroom and it definitely doesnt take him 10 days, even with delays such as his Mum calling him for dinner mid-scene

That actually made me laugh 🤣

Op. Are you sure he's not moving into porn?

The whole you tube video thing sounds like it's just him and his mates mucking about, making movies together and uploading them. That's why he's staying at a mates house. He's on a jolly.

There's a sex scene in it because they wanted there to be. Prob wanted the poor woman topless.

ShatnersWig · 01/05/2018 09:10

Another one who works in the industry.

He is NOT an actor.

Motoko · 01/05/2018 09:13

He's taking the piss. A pp who is in the industry said this:
unpaid shorts should absolutely not have nudity or sexual content in them. That is completely banned by Equity and Spotlight (unpaid work is only allowed under specific circumstances anyway).
which I think bears repeating.

10 days for a 45 minute clip sounds wrong unless there was some very complicated fight choreography or something
OP said he did two jobs. He was originally going for 4 days to do a short comedy, which he'd written the script for, and then the guy (director?) wanted him to also do the one involving the sex scene. Hence extending the amount of time he's away.

OP I don't know why you're "fully supportive" of this "acting". I think it's time you give him some home truths. The sex scene is the least of your worries.

notapizzaeater · 01/05/2018 09:22

He has no respect for you - you have bigger issues than the sex scene

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