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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hubby been away done something he said he wouldn't , Aibu

244 replies

Janetizzy30 · 30/04/2018 20:20

So my husband is an actor (small non paid films, nothing too big usually between 10 mins and half hour) and he already extended his stay twice. I'm chronically I'll, and at home with the 4 boys up north and he's in London. That's not so much the issue.

My issue is, he always said. ”No matter what he won't do sex scenes, I'm not up for that.” we have had this discussion so many times and always came down to the same conclusion. Any way we haven't had much communication at all, think I've spoken to him properly twice in 10 days and he rings me today, and tells me he did a sex scene. I blew up because instead of ringing me and discussing it quickly he just did it. I would have been fine if he had said....look love, this requires a sex scene, we aren't fully naked, but it will look that way. Is that OK?,...... But he didn't even bother to think of me and got annoyed when I got upset. It was the fact I was an after thought. This was 2 days ago he did this, and it took him til today to tell me....Aibu for being pissed off?

OP posts:
HomebrewDave · 30/04/2018 21:06

Yabu.

He is an actor.

I bet he didn’t tell you because he knew you would react like this.

Just don’t worry about it.

Gazelda · 30/04/2018 21:06

However, your DH has fucked off for 10 days for no pay leaving you at home ill with 4 DCs. That's the bit I would have a massive problem with. I'd be telling him to get back or not bother coming home at all. He's bringing you stress and worry rather than being a positive in your life.

This.

MrsExpo · 30/04/2018 21:08

I don't get it. Is this his job (ie ...... he gets paid a wage of some sort for doing it), or is it a hobby (doing it for free). If the first, then YABU because its a job, if not, then YANBU. Does he earn enough to support you and your DC's OP?

TheLastNigel · 30/04/2018 21:11

The sex scene wouldn't bother me. The fucking off for 10 days pissing about, for no reward leaving you at home, sick, with four kids to look after would bother me very much.
Let me guess, before he went did he say it would probably be his 'big break'? HmmAlright Withnail, put it away and get back home to your wife and kids will you?

Idontdowindows · 30/04/2018 21:12

*Yabu.

He is an actor.*

Ah ok, so it's ok for actors to ignore agreements they made with their wife. Check.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 30/04/2018 21:14

OP says he's in unpaid roles; usually 10 minute bit parts. At best they might pay his expenses to stay in London.

deste · 30/04/2018 21:17

I’ve heard this so many times. When asked what job do they do and they say “I’m an actor” you are only an actor If you are in paid employment, otherwise you are unemployed.

I had a friend lost her house because her DH refused to take any work because he was an actor. She lived in the NE of Scotland where there are virtually no acting jobs.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 30/04/2018 21:18

Trying to think of a sex scene which hasn't had the main characters in it now. Hmm

Willow2017 · 30/04/2018 21:20

YABU
He is an actor

Yes a bit part unpaid actor but its ok as acting (as a hobby or otherwise) obviously entitles you to go back on your word to your wife and abandon your ill wife for 10 days at a time.
Who knew?

ScrappyScrap · 30/04/2018 21:23

OP why should you be annoyed at being left with 4 children while chronically ill while your husband basically leaves you to it and then does something he swore he wouldn't do Hmm

Honestly MN used to be sensible.

He said he wouldn't do something that makes the OP uncomfortable and then he did it. He lied. The whats aren't even important.

ScrappyScrap · 30/04/2018 21:25

Porn is "acting". They don't want to be doing it. Even prostitution involves acting.

He was physically intimate with and KISSED another woman. OP isn't comfortable with it. He knew it. SHe's allowed to have boundries.

ScrappyScrap · 30/04/2018 21:26

I bet he didn’t tell you because he knew you would react like this.

Hmm

Really?

pinkdelight · 30/04/2018 21:29

Loads of actors have to do unpaid/expenses only work on the fringe or in short films to build their experience, connections and showreel/cv. Everyone saying they don't get it, fair enough, you don't get it, but that doesn't make it not legit. That's how the industry is unfortunately and there's no way around it. As long as there are paid gigs, corporates, adverts or teaching here and there, it's all part of a normal (non famous) actors life.

But anyway, as far as the sex scene goes it's NU to be pissed off that he broke the agreement, although the agreement might well be unrealistic and need rethinking. I don't imagine it was remotely sexy. Actors on tour though, that's way more risky...

steff13 · 30/04/2018 21:31

I didn't know "unpaid actor" was a thing. They've filmed several movies here in the past few years, and even the background local people that they use get paid a day rate. Why is he leaving his family for 10 days to do something he isn't being paid to do?

Luckyme2 · 30/04/2018 21:32

I wouldn't be happy either OP. But then I wouldn't be happy with him buggering off for 10 days unpaid either. What's his day job? I know a couple of actors. They've got say jobs too but actually earn quite good money when an acting job comes up (adverts, Tv roles, theatre). Neither of them would take on unpaid work though! What's the point?! And I agree with pp about sex scenes if he's an extra.....

Walkingdeadfangirl · 30/04/2018 21:32

He is trying to make a name for himself, he is an actor, he was acting. Previously he said he wouldn't do sex scenes, he changed his mind.

Your being a bit controlling, he was acting.

Lovemusic33 · 30/04/2018 21:33

I don’t think it’s a case of what’s right or wrong about doing a sex scene, it’s the fact they had discussed it and he had agreed not to do them, so he has lied to OP. He should have told her before he did it, he could have called and run it by her first.

Idontdowindows · 30/04/2018 21:33

Your being a bit controlling, he was acting.

Why is "he was acting" an excuse for breaking a prior agreement with his wife without discussion?

TammyWhyNot · 30/04/2018 21:35

I don't really understand why an actor (a proper actor) would ever swear they wouldn't do a sex scene. It's part of the job. Some truly great films and plays have sex scenes.

Has he done a porn film? I think that's different.

Oh, and actors do fall for each other - but not because of sex scenes.

Willow2017 · 30/04/2018 21:36

pink
You dont put your ambitions before your ill wife and 4 kids though. Sodding off hundreds of miles away for long stretches, probably out of pocket for travel and living expenses and not working.

Thats bloody selfish. If he wants to do that he shouldnt have had 4 kids to support on fresh air nor should he think its ok for op to just suck it up with sporadic contact while he plays at being an actor for 10 minute parts.

NewYearNewMe18 · 30/04/2018 21:39

Point of order - 'extras' get paid, and very well too, NDN is an extra.

Walkingdeadfangirl · 30/04/2018 21:41

But was it a prior agreement that he wouldn't do sex scenes. Or did they just conclude that he wasn't 'up for it'. They are two different things.

Idontdowindows · 30/04/2018 21:43

It's part of the job

Audrey Hepburn managed without, as did Neal McDonaugh, Rita Wilson, John Rhys-Davies, Danny DeVito and many more. Scarlett Johansson's had a no-nudity clause in her contract since the age of 22.

It's absolutely not part of the job if they don't want it to be.

NewYearNewMe18 · 30/04/2018 21:45

Where is the OP?

Another hit and run type of thread.

Willow2017 · 30/04/2018 21:46

A friend of mine does 'extra' work and gets paid very well for it. I dont get how he is 'working for 10 days' and not getting a penny.

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