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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Hubby been away done something he said he wouldn't , Aibu

244 replies

Janetizzy30 · 30/04/2018 20:20

So my husband is an actor (small non paid films, nothing too big usually between 10 mins and half hour) and he already extended his stay twice. I'm chronically I'll, and at home with the 4 boys up north and he's in London. That's not so much the issue.

My issue is, he always said. ”No matter what he won't do sex scenes, I'm not up for that.” we have had this discussion so many times and always came down to the same conclusion. Any way we haven't had much communication at all, think I've spoken to him properly twice in 10 days and he rings me today, and tells me he did a sex scene. I blew up because instead of ringing me and discussing it quickly he just did it. I would have been fine if he had said....look love, this requires a sex scene, we aren't fully naked, but it will look that way. Is that OK?,...... But he didn't even bother to think of me and got annoyed when I got upset. It was the fact I was an after thought. This was 2 days ago he did this, and it took him til today to tell me....Aibu for being pissed off?

OP posts:

AlpacaLypse · 30/04/2018 21:47

yanbu and yabu,... yanbu because he said he wouldn't ever do it - and it appears he has, and hasn't even got paid for it... yabu because you called him hubby. Disclaimer have only skim read thread,

steff13 · 30/04/2018 21:49

I don't know how much demand there would be for Danny DeVito to do a sex scene..

WilburIsSomePig · 30/04/2018 21:49

It's part of the job

What job's that then? He doesn't get paid - he does it because he wants to, not because he's bringing home the bacon. Because he's not.

OP, only you can decide if this is acceptable to you or not, it's your relationship so your boundaries are just that. I think the fact he didn't mention it to you until today would be more of an issue for me. He must have known how you'd feel about it.

ScrubTheDecks · 30/04/2018 21:52

Scarlett Johansson has done sex scenes, though.

The OP's DH says he wasn't fully naked.

GnotherGnu · 30/04/2018 21:57

He is simulating sex as a hobby.

Nonsense. Inasmuch as it is a hobby, he's simulating masses of things. The fact that on one occasion his hobby involves simulating sex does not make it the be-all and end-all of the hobby.

I think it's slightly unrealistic to say he has to run these things past you every time, OP. This may have been sprung on him and he may have felt unable to say not because he would have been letting everyone else down. He may have felt he had to go along with it if there's a reasonable chance of the production as a whole leading to paid work. As pp have said, there is nothing remotely sexy about doing a sex scene in front of a load of bored cameramen and runners.

GnotherGnu · 30/04/2018 21:58

I don't see how you can compare OP's husband to the likes of Audrey Hepburn and Scarlett Johanssen in terms of bargaining power with film directors.

FASH84 · 30/04/2018 22:00

DH worked in a production role unpaid for nearly a year other than expenses/per diems, including work for the good old BBC and on some weeks big films, it's common to have to pay your dues in this industry. DH did eventually have a decent and paid career, but one of his reasons for leaving was the increasing number of little darlings working for free while mummy and daddy put them up in a flat in Chelsea, making the industry inaccessible and unfair to many who need to earn a wage. OP you either support DH goals or not, this isn't about a sex scene. If you don't you need to have a serious conversation with him about the future and how his lifestyle isn't compatible with having a family.

Lindy2 · 30/04/2018 22:01

One of my friends is an actor and when he has a job it's usually very well paid.
At times when he usn't working he'll do sone unpaid roles to add to his cv and also having food and accommodation costs covered us still better than sitting at home waiting for the next audition.
He never does more than a day or 2 unpaid though. 10 days seems very long. It would also seem odd to not know about the sex scene in advance as presumably he needs to read the script before he acts.
Sex scenes aren't sexy at all to do though. I don't think my friend has done sex scenes but he has quite often been just in his pants at times for some roles. It's just part of the job for him.

Idontdowindows · 30/04/2018 22:01

I don't see how you can compare OP's husband to the likes of Audrey Hepburn and Scarlett Johanssen in terms of bargaining power with film directors.

LOL, he's fucking about unpaid. He can say no at any time. It's not as if he's going to lose money on these 10 minute or half hour films he's doing.

If he was serious he'd be in an extras agency.

Oliversmumsarmy · 30/04/2018 22:02

Short unpaid films are usually student films. Actors do them to add to their show reel or boost their cv or because the director might be someone who gets to direct a film the following year and if he or she has worked with you then they will give you a role that is paid.

pinkdelight · 30/04/2018 22:03

willow
That's your take on it. Presumably the OP and her DP have a different take as this is the life they have chosen together. We don't really know as she hasn't given more info. Maybe he looks after the 4 dc normally and this is her supporting him, who knows?

Also background artists/extras is a totally different thing, where you're hired by shows/films with budgets to cover extras. Short films are often on a shoestring. No one's getting paid, there's no income stream. Everyone does it for other career benefits as I explained. You'd be surprised how many actors (and writers, directors, cast and crew) at many levels work for free. It's a constant and hotly debated issue in the industry press. But it still is an industry, not a hobby.

steff13 · 30/04/2018 22:04

He can say no at any time.

Yes, but then he won't get any parts, either. I don't know why he isn't being paid, and the OP hasn't clarified, but he's not going to get better roles by refusing to do what's asked of him.

SouthWestmom · 30/04/2018 22:04

Erm this doesn't add up does it.

Sex scenes if he appears for ten minutes? Unpaid, ten days away?

I can't think of anyone calling themselves an actor who doesn't get paid, even if they are 'just' an extra and bigging it up. Maybe a few free gigs to start with but by the time you have a dp and several children?

Idontdowindows · 30/04/2018 22:05

director might be someone who gets to direct a film the following year

Riiiight, so that's OBVIOUSLY more imporant than his wife and the agreement they have.

Come on he's faffing about unpaid because he's not good enough to even get paid as an extra.

Idontdowindows · 30/04/2018 22:06

he's not going to get better roles by refusing to do what's asked of him.

Oh, so that's cool then, fuck the wife, fuck the kids, fuck his family, as long as he has that elusive shot at a better role.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 30/04/2018 22:07

I agree with pps pointing out that it seems selfish for him to follow his ambition to be an actor in London with an ill wife and 4 dc living up north.

It maybe the norm for actors to have to take unpaid roles and travel around taking years to break into the impenetrable industry but that's frankly selfish if you have a large family to support, a chronically ill wife and 4 children. It's not the time to swan off following your dreams.

steff13 · 30/04/2018 22:10

Oh, so that's cool then, fuck the wife, fuck the kids, fuck his family, as long as he has that elusive shot at a better role.

That's not what I said at all. If he's serious about being an actor, he has to do what's asked of him. I don't think he should have done the sex scene if he told the OP he wasn't going to. But I don't think he should have told her he will never do one. If he's serious about being an actor, a sex scene may be part of the job.

Original poster

Janetizzy30 · 30/04/2018 22:13

Sorry for late reply, they basically dry humped top halves naked, and as I said, its not the act its the lack of discussion

OP posts:

Idontdowindows · 30/04/2018 22:13

Steff13, he's not going to be an actor. He has a chronically ill wife, 4 children and he takes 10 days off to bugger off on some unpaid amateur stuff.

If he had been serious, he would have been pounding on agency doors, getting proper training and setting up networks. Now he's just masturbating.

justabunchofbunting · 30/04/2018 22:14

Id be annoyed I had not been consulted either about the length of time he was staying away or the sex scene. These things are things which do affect you and so you should be consulted about them.
All in all though although I would let him know I was unhappy about the lack of respect in consulting me, its not something I would leave someone over.

MajesticWhine · 30/04/2018 22:14

My interpretation is that the films are not ones you pay for rather than the DH is not paid. Otherwise it’s a bit nuts going away for 10 days for no pay.
I guess he’s changed his mind about no sex scenes. I don’t know why it would matter really. Are you sure it’s not the going away for 10 days and leaving you ill at home that’s annoying you rather than the sex scene?

ArcheryAnnie · 30/04/2018 22:17

He made an agreement with the OP. He broke that agreement knowing that it was important to her. He waited several days before even telling her.

He's acted like a dick.

steff13 · 30/04/2018 22:17

Idontdowindows I KNOW he isn't going to be an actor. But he thinks he is and the OP send to be going along with it for whatever reason. But my point still stands; if you're trying to be an actor you have to do what you have to do. Comparing a guy who isn't even being paid to something with the clout of Audrey Hepburn is just silly. She had the acting chops to say no to nudity, etc. Not everyone does.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 30/04/2018 22:23

I'd be annoyed about his whole attitude.

He's gone away for his acting and in 10 days he's only bothered to contact you twice? Presumably both times to tell you that he's extending his stay.
Oh and to let you know he's playing a role that requires dry humping with his top off. Great. Is he interested in you or his children at all?

Original poster

Janetizzy30 · 30/04/2018 22:28

I fully support his acting, he is usually only away a four days or less, but this is a bigger film, will be for about an hour, travel and lodgings paid. I'm just so annoyed he didn't just gimme a quick call....hey babe, I know I said I wouldn't but its needed in this film......that's all it took, and as for the 10 days, I was expecting 4-7 but because other actors late or whatever reason, he extended it

OP posts:

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