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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask people not to kiss my newborn baby?

182 replies

MrsElenaSalvatore · 30/04/2018 20:15

I would love opinions on this please as this issue has led to my mother in law sobbing at me claiming I'm stopping her bonding with her grandchild.

As background, my baby was born prematurely and was very ill to start with. She is now 7 weeks old and doing well but I'm understandably quite protective of her.

My in-laws visit approximately 3 times a week and are generally nice people who are happy to help with anything, although i do find my mother in law overbearing at times.

I am very happy for them to have cuddles etc but my one rule was please dont koss the baby, especially given my MIL and SIL both are prone to cold sores.

Last weelend my MIL was very upset and rude to me about the kissing issue, even going as far as to say 'I may as well be holding the baby down the road if I can't kiss her' whilst sobbing uncontrollably and telling me she was embarrassed at me telling others this rule. I then felt railroaded until saying ok maybe just kiss her on the head then and the hands. This still makes me feel so uncomfortable but i also don't want to cause a family rift.

My husband is not supportive on this issue as he agrees with his mother that it is good for jer bonding. My own mother has no issue respecting my choice on this.

Sorry for the length! Does anybody have any advice on how i should handle this?

OP posts:
DuchyDuke · 30/04/2018 20:17

Your baby is out of danger now. Moderate hugs and kisses from family are good for her immune system. Come on you know yabvu!

Nicknacky · 30/04/2018 20:18

If they don’t have cold sores at the time then I really don’t see the issue. Most people who suffer from them are very cautious and wouldn’t want a baby to suffer.

Do you not let anyone kiss the baby at all?

GreenTulips · 30/04/2018 20:19

www.babycenter.com/0_cold-sores_10867.bc

Read this

0lgaDaPolga · 30/04/2018 20:19

Yanbu. I hated people kissing my newborn and he wasn’t even premature. Especially people prone to cold sores. There was a horrible story a while ago where a baby died from the cold sore virus. Sod your mil and her bonding. Your baby’s health is more important than her wishes, and as the mum you get to decide what is and isn’t ok

NewYearNewMe18 · 30/04/2018 20:20

But she isn't just your baby, she's also your DHs child, not your exclusive property. If he see's no harm in it, then yes YABU. The child has two parents.

You might want to have a chat with the HV about your anxiety and understanding how cold sores can be transmitted and when the virus is live

PotteringAlong · 30/04/2018 20:20

Honestly? I think this is one of those things that in a few years time you will look back at and cringe.

Let them kiss the baby.

Lightsong · 30/04/2018 20:21

Your MIL sounds mental. Nobody has any right to kiss your baby and your DH needs to start backing you up. And tell your MIL and SIL that cold sores can potentially be fatal to newborns, they should both have more sense. You could always tell her that your HV has advised you this as your DD was prem. MIL can still bond with her grandchild without the need to kiss her, especially since you have pointedly asked her not to.

AmericanBiscuits · 30/04/2018 20:22

I had this rule and I felt so strongly about it that I would have fallen out with my entire family if they challenged me. Stand your ground. The only people your child needs to bond with right now is you and your DH. GM can bond when the baby is older.

Justgimmeit · 30/04/2018 20:22

I wouldn't be happy with anyone who gets coldsores kissing my baby/children. You need your husband to back you up

Nicknacky · 30/04/2018 20:24

It doesn’t sound like the op just has issues with her mil and sil, it sounds like she doesn’t like anyone kissing baby.

ggirl · 30/04/2018 20:26

YABU
You need to relax , when your baby is so new you feel very overprotective often .

Do you think you're projecting your feelings for your MIL by 'punishing' her. It is mean I think.
Your baby is both yours and your husbands and should be allowed to be kissed by both grandparents.
The cold sore thing is only relevant when they have active one and I'm sure they would not kiss your baby then.

I too think you'll look back on this and cringe big time.

littlestrawby · 30/04/2018 20:27

i registered specifically to reply to this!! you are absolutely nbu. I was exactly the same with my new baby. not everyone is aware of the danger of cold sores and a quick kiss could very easily be snuck in from someone with the infection before you can screen them. a blanket rule is the safest bet and any reasonable friend or relative would understand. my DH was very firm about this as well and my MIL was also extremely careful to ensure no-one was kissing her granddaughter! This is your baby, don't let anyone else pressure you into a scenario that you are not comfortable with.

nellieellie · 30/04/2018 20:28

Your baby, your decision. YANBU. It must have been terribly worrying for you having a premature baby. If they can hold and cuddle your baby, that is fine for bonding. If I were you, I just say you are acting on HV advice. Your DH may be fine with it, but you are not so he should give you a break and support you. You carried this baby, you gave birth to this baby. You are more anxious about this baby. It’s natural and he should respect that.

LightDrizzle · 30/04/2018 20:29

My youngest baby is now 19 so I’m now out of touch, but I thought the herpes virus could be very dangerous in young babies. Could you ask your GP or HV and then explain to your MIL?
You are clearly NOT keeping your MIL from her grandchild so her response seems very unreasonable to me.
If I’m right, and I could easily be wrong, she should not be kissing your baby’s hands as she will bring them to her mouth. Until you have the facts? You are right to be cautious.

Ceecee18 · 30/04/2018 20:29

If you read the link from a pp above, it states that cold sores can be passed on even when the person has no visible sores. So no, YANBU. Show your DH the link and MIL. Explain that it is for the baby's safety and point out that as MIL is such a brilliant GM who loves her grandchild so much, she surely would put their safety ahead of what she wants.

If she still cries then just put your foot down, ignore her and say no. My MIL did similar as FIL smokes in their house and I said DD was not going there. She isn't happy about it but she can't argue that DDs health comes before what she wants.

Motherwell91 · 30/04/2018 20:29

I was exactly the same! My dh didn't agree either. You do what you feel is right. But if you feel your getting more and more panicky with people around her do talk to your midwife or hv. I became over protective and wouldnt let anyone hold her I know have a very clingy nearly 12 month old.

Lightsong · 30/04/2018 20:29

The cold sore thing is not only relevant when they have an active sore, the link above explains:

Or maybe he was kissed by someone with the virus in her saliva (whether or not the person had a visible sore).

LightDrizzle · 30/04/2018 20:35

Okay. I’ve just googled it, and cold sores can be very dangerous in infants under 6 months.
FFS!
Obviously your MIL’s feelingz come first though.
Calmly share thus information from an official website like the NHS with your husband and let him deal with it.

Original poster
MrsElenaSalvatore · 30/04/2018 20:36

Ok bit of a mixed bag of opinions then! I guess i just feel that my choice should have been respected regardless of their feelings on the issue, and I don't want this to become a precedent that she feels she can override parenting decisions. Even without an active cold sore it just makes me uncomfortable. I wish it didn't but it does.

OP posts:
DairyisClosed · 30/04/2018 20:36

YANBU. It is basic hygiene.

Juells · 30/04/2018 20:36

But she isn't just your baby, she's also your DHs child

I've never met a new mother who felt that the baby wasn't just hers. When someone else has given birth and had the full responsibility for looking after it they can start dishing out instructions, until then they can fuck off.

I'd go ballistic if someone who got cold sores kissed my baby, or any of my children. I wouldn't care whether one was visible at the time or not.

Aprilmightbemynewname · 30/04/2018 20:40

Just because your dh hasn't the balls to stand up to mil doesn't mean you shouldn't.
Tell her to buy dog if she wants to slobber.

Ceecee18 · 30/04/2018 20:45

OP it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks really, you carried the baby and you gave birth to her, you are allowed to be anxious and over protective as a new mother (and you aren't being over protective, it is dangerous to kiss a baby, even without the active sores). But you also had to deal with a premature baby who was ill, that's a lot of stress on top of what a new mother normally deals with. DH and MIL need to understand this and help to ease your anxiety at this time, not make it worse.

Show them both the link a pp posted and tell them that kisses will not be happening until baby is over.

Nicknacky · 30/04/2018 20:46

The baby’s dad is also allowed an opinion. My husband suffers from cold sores. Was he never ever to kiss his children?

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 30/04/2018 20:50

Tbh your MIL needs to stop with the hysterics.

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