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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask people not to kiss my newborn baby?

182 replies

MrsElenaSalvatore · 30/04/2018 20:15

I would love opinions on this please as this issue has led to my mother in law sobbing at me claiming I'm stopping her bonding with her grandchild.

As background, my baby was born prematurely and was very ill to start with. She is now 7 weeks old and doing well but I'm understandably quite protective of her.

My in-laws visit approximately 3 times a week and are generally nice people who are happy to help with anything, although i do find my mother in law overbearing at times.

I am very happy for them to have cuddles etc but my one rule was please dont koss the baby, especially given my MIL and SIL both are prone to cold sores.

Last weelend my MIL was very upset and rude to me about the kissing issue, even going as far as to say 'I may as well be holding the baby down the road if I can't kiss her' whilst sobbing uncontrollably and telling me she was embarrassed at me telling others this rule. I then felt railroaded until saying ok maybe just kiss her on the head then and the hands. This still makes me feel so uncomfortable but i also don't want to cause a family rift.

My husband is not supportive on this issue as he agrees with his mother that it is good for jer bonding. My own mother has no issue respecting my choice on this.

Sorry for the length! Does anybody have any advice on how i should handle this?

OP posts:
DrinkReprehensibly · 01/05/2018 08:21

YANBU. I saw an interview with a father on TV who killed his own baby by kissing her when he suffers from the coldsore virus. He was trying to raise awareness because he had no idea it was so deadly. The sadness in him was so evident. He knew he'd caused it and he struggled to live with himself every day and he didn't even know the danger. Imagine the level of guilt if you'd been warned and ignored it!

GermanShepherd89 · 01/05/2018 08:24

@pictish I do actually agree with you that sometimes control comes into these dynamics which might need looking at separately.

But, re the specific matter of kissing, if there is even a tiny element of risk - why take it, especially if DIL uncomfortable with it?

Do you feel that you can’t get any enjoyment or show any love to a newborn without kissing them on the mouth? And do you think the baby especially enjoys the gesture and would be deprived without it?

More seriously, heaven forbid if a baby did contract the virus after being kissed and the worst should happen, would you feel it was worth it?

namechanger14 · 01/05/2018 08:24

apologise of this has already been said as I only skimmed the thread.

I find it absolutely mind boogling that a grandmother would even want to kiss her grandchild knowing she is a carrier of a HERPES virus. Because at the end of the day that's what cold sores are.
You can be contagious without the presence of a cold sore.
Herpes simplex (sp?) can have devastating consequences for a full term, 'healthy' baby so i can only imagine the increased risk for a pre term 7 week old.

My mil gets cold sores and she wouldn't dream of kissing her grandchildren (or any baby for that matter).

Why does your mil need to kiss the baby to bond? that's ridiculous.

I am glad that your dh is now supporting u on this matter. Perhaps get him to tell his mother that you don't want herpes being passed to ur little one (explaining about the possibilities), and so as not to single any1 out you went with a blanket ban.

I am slightly concerned that she is pushing this issue though? Why would a grown ass woman throw a tantrum over something like this? It's something I would expect from my 4 year old.
Are there any other instances/issues where she's is pushing for control in ur lives OP?

If she is pushing her own views and kicking up a fuss at 7 weeks post birth then ur dh needs to nip this in the bud now, otherwise u will be posting for the next 18 years about how u want to kill ur mil because she goes against everything uve said parenting wise.

Big hugs, congrats on the new baby, and I'm really glad she's doing ok
xx

He11y · 01/05/2018 08:28

YABU but you’ve recently given birth (to a premature baby) and I suspect you’re still adjusting and prone to overreacting.

You’ll probably look back at some point and realise what an arse you were but that doesn’t mean your feelings now aren’t valid for you.

If kissing is causing you this much anxiety then stand by it - your baby is seeing them regularly and is presumably getting lots of interaction - it won’t cause lasting damage to miss kisses from others but you being stressed may well have long term effects.

Juells · 01/05/2018 08:37

I'd also wonder about leaving my baby with her, if she doesn't recognise that you have the ultimate say.

My first baby was born in October. When I went back to work three months later, MiL offered to childmind, and I was delighted. I pointed out that the baby had bronchitis, and wasn't to be taken outside. The very first day when I got home from work FiL gaily said "I'm getting too old for lifting a pram up and down the steps to the back garden". A warning look from MiL, but it was too late. Turned out she'd had the baby outside all day, only bringing it in to feed and change nappies. I arranged full-time baby care in a nursery the following day, because then I knew I couldn't trust her to respect my opinion.

LittleBearPad · 01/05/2018 08:45

YANBU. Sounds pretty gross. I wouldn't kiss someone else's child, even if we were related.

Well aren’t you odd.

Pictish is speaking the most sense on this thread.

TammySwansonTwo · 01/05/2018 08:53

My friends preemie caught herpes as a result of a family member kissing them - she’s on constant medication and has been hospitalised numerous times. I wouldn’t risk it. My boys were prem and small and at 9 weeks was hospitalised again with a serious illness he caught in nicu

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 01/05/2018 08:55

All those saying the OP is BU would you really be happy with someone that has had cold sores kissing your premature baby?

I really doubt it.

bananaramasllama · 01/05/2018 08:58

Your MIL is a stupid cow. She's not really concerned about bonding, she just wants her own, overly emotional way. Because, surprise surprise, kissing a baby isn't the only way to bond with one, is it?

Surely everyone knows you don't kiss newborns. Especially if you're prone to cold sores. The people on here saying it's ok have clearly never heard of this though - cold sores are extremely dangerous for young infants.

BarbarianMum · 01/05/2018 09:00

So do you think mums who've had cold sores should never kiss their babies Duck? As long as someone doesn't actually have a cold sore I truly wouldn't mind.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 01/05/2018 09:03

BarbarianMum like I've said there's other ways of showing affection than kissing a baby on their face.

I would hope that anyone that has had or has coldsores would have the good sense not to kiss a baby, yes.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 01/05/2018 09:08

'If you carry the virus, your baby is protected from cold sores for at least his first six months by antibodies he received from you in the uterus (womb). But if your newborn baby does get a cold sore, call your doctor straight away. His immune system is still developing, so any kind of herpes virus can be dangerous.'

Not sure how true this is but it looks like the mother wouldn't pass it on to her baby anyway, unlike someone else kissing a baby that has had it has a cold sore.

Juells · 01/05/2018 09:10

So do you think mums who've had cold sores should never kiss their babies Duck? As long as someone doesn't actually have a cold sore I truly wouldn't mind.

You obviously haven't read the information that's out there - there are even links on this thread. The virus can be in the saliva or skin cells, even if someone doesn't have a visible cold sore.

TotHappy · 01/05/2018 09:11

What is all this about no one should kiss a baby cold sore or not?! Of course you kiss babies! Kisses are nice!

TheDrinksAreOnMe · 01/05/2018 09:12

Not RTFT but I made the same decision with my first DD, who was 3 months early. Even I did not kiss her on the lips

I think the issue here is to stand up to her behaviour regardless on the topic. How dare she make you feel guilty about a decision you've made regarding YOUR child?

Do not back down and do set the tone now, because she will take the piss forever more

AllyMcBeagle · 01/05/2018 09:13

Of course you kiss babies! Kisses are nice!

Not when they come together with potentially deadly (to a baby) herpes. Honestly! Hmm

Juells · 01/05/2018 09:22

"So what if I have drug-resistant syphilis and TB, I demand the right to kiss your baby and will not be told No." 😠

TotHappy · 01/05/2018 09:23

No, the cold sores are a different issue. I was referring to the comments that said you shouldn't kiss babies anyway, it's unhygienic Confused

BarbarianMum · 01/05/2018 09:23

Right. So as 2 out of 3 people carry the herpes virus - and we don't know who these people are cause mostly it lies dormant - really nobody should kiss babies, including their parents. Ok then.

Shmithecat · 01/05/2018 09:25

Yanbu OP. My dh gets coldsores and even though our ds is 2.6, he doesn't kiss him if he has one. And to all those telling the OP she's a horrid DIL - we're talking about a 7 week old prem baby here and it's health. That overrides the quite frankly ridiculous reaction by MIL. Have you not read the links? The virus can be catastrophic or even fatal to tiny babies. It's not about OP being 'controlling' FFS. She's protecting her barely newborn. My dsis is prone to coldsores. She wouldn't attempt to kiss ds when he was tiny. They have a great bond.

Cupoteap · 01/05/2018 09:26

As someone who was given cold sores as a baby I am petrified of them catching them, my exh also had them. We didn't kiss the babies/children when we have one or feel one coming. So far, so good and oldest is 10.

Pikehau · 01/05/2018 09:32

Where exactly does she want to kiss your baby? Surely the head is fine?

She is utterly unreasonable to sob and be “embarrassed” but you should probably let her kiss baby if no cold sores.... and on he head... she surely doesn’t want to slobber all over babies face???

I had my first ever cold sore st 39weeks with dc1.... he was born 39+4.... I didn’t kiss him for a long time and I survived!!!

Anyway I get where you are coming from it’s dc1..and he was ill and you are a new Mum .... you should do what makes you comfortable. And everyone should respect you. Even dh even if it’s “his baby too”

It’s your first... totally natural.. you won’t be like this with 2/3/4!!. my poor dc3 had a snotty cold after s few days of nursery and school germs from his big bro and sis...

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 01/05/2018 09:33

BarbarianMum even after you've read about the risks associated with a baby getting a cold sore you'd still be happy with someone with them kissing your premature baby?

BarbarianMum · 01/05/2018 09:34

Of course you shouldn't kiss anyond if you have a cold sore or can feel one coming on. That's not what this discussion is about. Its about whether its reasonable to say that anyone who has ever had a coldsore should kiss a baby. Or, to go back to the OP, whether babies should ever be kissed by anyone other than their parents.

Pikehau · 01/05/2018 09:36

Ps just read again and see this is about bonding.

What utter nonsense. The ONLY person that the baby NEEDs to bind with at 7 weeks is his mother.

Now of course dads are important I’m not saying they are not. Of course they need to bond too but baby and Mum are the most important. Xx