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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask people not to kiss my newborn baby?

182 replies

MrsElenaSalvatore · 30/04/2018 20:15

I would love opinions on this please as this issue has led to my mother in law sobbing at me claiming I'm stopping her bonding with her grandchild.

As background, my baby was born prematurely and was very ill to start with. She is now 7 weeks old and doing well but I'm understandably quite protective of her.

My in-laws visit approximately 3 times a week and are generally nice people who are happy to help with anything, although i do find my mother in law overbearing at times.

I am very happy for them to have cuddles etc but my one rule was please dont koss the baby, especially given my MIL and SIL both are prone to cold sores.

Last weelend my MIL was very upset and rude to me about the kissing issue, even going as far as to say 'I may as well be holding the baby down the road if I can't kiss her' whilst sobbing uncontrollably and telling me she was embarrassed at me telling others this rule. I then felt railroaded until saying ok maybe just kiss her on the head then and the hands. This still makes me feel so uncomfortable but i also don't want to cause a family rift.

My husband is not supportive on this issue as he agrees with his mother that it is good for jer bonding. My own mother has no issue respecting my choice on this.

Sorry for the length! Does anybody have any advice on how i should handle this?

OP posts:
Thishatisnotmine · 01/05/2018 09:37

Hormonal changes after giving birth to dd2 meant that I had lots of coldsores for about a month. When I didn't have one, I still took great care not to kiss dd2 which did make me so sad but coldsores are serious in newborn babies.

Yes, yours is a strict approach but I think if you explain properly your reasons to yoyr dh and pil, perhaps get them to read about it, they would be more understanding. Coldsores can kill newborns.

You mil does not have to say anything about it to her friends.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 01/05/2018 09:39

Given that the MIL is prone to cold sores the OP isn't being unreasonable in not wanting her baby being kissed by her.

How on earth can you keep arguing with that?

Pikehau · 01/05/2018 09:40

ANd finally op YANBU as in short you are doing what a mother is wired to do.... PROTECT her babies. So regardless if people think it’s an overreaction it doesn’t matter. You are doing what nature intended you to do.

TawnyPort · 01/05/2018 09:41

I guess i just feel that my choice should have been respected regardless of their feelings on the issue, and I don't want this to become a precedent that she feels she can override parenting decisions

The other parent didn't make the decision, and no-one has to respect every choice you make.

VillageFete · 01/05/2018 09:43

You are ABSOLUTELY not being unreasonable!! My cousin contracted meningitis as a baby from a kiss by his Grandad. This is something, as a mother, I wouldn’t budge on. Nobody, including me, would be allowed to kiss my baby anywhere near the mouth area.

3 visits a week is very accommodating of you. She is behaving ridiculously. In my view, you grew and carried the child, you gave birth, your hormones are up the wall, this has to ultimately be your decision. I wouldn’t be taking DP’s or MIL’s feelings in to account when it came to my child’s safety at this point. It’s early days.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 01/05/2018 09:43

I don't think it's an overreaction, the baby was born prematurely and was very poorly after birth.

The MIL here sounds like she has some major issues pushing boundaries, I mean sobbing and having a rant because she's been asked not to kiss a baby that has been vulnerable? She needs to sort herself out.

And I say this as a MIL and a grandmother.

Juells · 01/05/2018 09:49

Of course you shouldn't kiss anyond if you have a cold sore or can feel one coming on. That's not what this discussion is about. Its about whether its reasonable to say that anyone who has ever had a coldsore should kiss a baby.

You still haven't read the links or the information that's out there about how cold sores can be passed on, have you? 😅 But you don't mind pontificating on a subject that could have serious consequences for the OP's baby.

MyGrassNeedsCutting · 01/05/2018 09:55

I had a cold sore when my ds was born, I only kissed him on the head or hands....he didn't catch anything.

I've had numerous cold sores since & again, my DS hasn't caught anything.

I do share your worry though, I specifically asked people not to kiss my baby on the lips.

Bumdishcloths · 01/05/2018 10:00

It doesn't matter WHERE you kiss a baby, if you have an active sore or asymptomatic shedding, herpes doesn't go "oh, not the lips, won't infect this bit then" Hmm

DougFargo · 01/05/2018 10:03

You still haven't read the links or the information that's out there about how cold sores can be passed on, have you? 😅 But you don't mind pontificating on a subject that could have serious consequences for the OP's baby

So you're saying that anyone who has ever had a cold sore should never kiss a baby? Isn't that nearly everyone?

BarbarianMum · 01/05/2018 10:04

yes Juells Ive read them. And Ive pointed out that fully 2/3 of us carry the virus and could transmit it. And we don't know who these 2/3 are. So if you want to be logical about it- either no one kisses the baby, or you let people who are asymptomatic kiss the baby on the basis that a cheek/top of the head kiss is really pretty safe. I chose the latter. So do most people.

Isadora2007 · 01/05/2018 10:08

Exactly. Most people carry the virus and not carrying the virus actually is worse in many ways (if the OP carried the virus her baby wouldn’t be at as much risk for the early stages of life for example).

So either no one ever kisses a child or baby- or you use common sense and don’t kiss a newborn full on the face or lips but maybe stick to the head. And once they’re older and more robust you can kiss as normal. Most babies learn to kiss by a year old themselves - so how would they of this isn’t modelled for them? It’s sad to think a grandma wouldn’t ever be allowed to kiss her grandchild.

Heighwayqueen · 01/05/2018 10:11

I guess I understand you don't want anyone kissing her on the face but on the top of the head or hands etc I don't see the issue.

JessicaJonesJacket · 01/05/2018 10:12

The OP has said this isn't just about cold sores:
'If I'm honest it's not just the cold sore issue, it just generally makes me uncomfortable. I've always thought only parents should kiss their babies and would never dream of kissing another persons baby myself'

She doesn't want anyone else to kiss her babies - just herself and her DH. Her DH wants his parents to be able to kiss their baby. I genuinely don't think her DH is being UR here. I've never known anyone to blanket ban family members from kissing babies.

Amanduh · 01/05/2018 10:12

Sorry but I think you’re being very overdramatic. Most babies for years and years have been kissed and cuddled.

DougFargo · 01/05/2018 10:15

it just generally makes me uncomfortable. I've always thought only parents should kiss their babies and would never dream of kissing another persons baby mysef

That is such a weird and proprietary attitude. Its all "its my baby everyone else piss off". It's just not how family and all works.

Pikehau · 01/05/2018 10:33

it just generally makes me uncomfortable. I've always thought only parents should kiss their babies and would never dream of kissing another persons baby mysef

I think this is just down to new Mum hormones complicated with baby being prem and the mother needing to protect

I didn’t like others excessively cuddling or holding my babes when they were really small. I felt deep inside they only belonged to me to take care of.it was a very primal feeling and in no way logical or explainable.

I think as baby grows and gets bigger op will be calmer and be happy for mil to kiss and cuddle baby (on head - why why on face or mouth eeeew)

Original poster
MrsElenaSalvatore · 01/05/2018 10:37

It's good hear a range of views here. I honestly feel like i go out of my way as a DIL to be nice and have never refused a visit, even if i'm running on 2 hours sleep and would prefer a duvet day. And I don't think it's about control, well maybe in as much as I want to control the risks ny baby is exposed to, however small they may be.

With regard to DH, if he felt tbis strongly about an issue I would 100% back him whether I thought he was being ott or not.

OP posts:
Feellikeaheffalump · 01/05/2018 11:10

I am totally with you. Cold sores spread really easily and many carriers don't realize how contagious they are. They can be dangerous but are also just miserable especially for a small child. How can kissing on the hands possibly be OK? A baby will then rub its hands all over its face and in its mouth. You need to make sure that your relatives are educated about the herpes virus, then you might be able to trust them to be sensible.

HoldingTheLineWinston · 01/05/2018 11:27

My question would be, will you ever let those who suffer from cold sores (when they don't have an active one) kiss the baby? because it will always be a risk, won't it? and perhaps MIL is concerned that 6 months of not being allowed might become a year, or two..or who knows how many? Can you imagine being a granny and never being allowed to kiss your precious grandbaby? I think most grannies would find that a very hard prospect and react accordingly..so maybe if you talk to MIL explain to her, and reassure her that yes, once the baby is a bit older she will be able to kiss it providing she doesn't have an active cold sore. If you are going to never allow her to kiss your child then I'm afraid that I think that is very problematic and quite cruel, and you will likely have huge unavoidable problems going forward.

Jayne35 · 01/05/2018 11:31

Can't even kiss baby on the head - yes you are BU! My DM gets coldsores and kissed us and neither me nor Dsis caught it - I agree with other PPs that kissing should be avoided when you have an active sore.

My DIL is due in a few weeks with my first grandchild but it's her 3rd baby so hoping she won't be too precious.

Perhaps to avoid all this possible angst I should ask for a list of do's and dont's.

LaurieMarlow · 01/05/2018 11:34

Where do you draw the line though? I understand banning someone with an actual active cold sore. But does this apply to anyone who's had a cold sore in the past (surely that's most people)? How long ago does it have to have been?

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 01/05/2018 12:00

I think given the OP has only recently given birth to a premature baby that was ill after birth she should be able to state that she'd rather not have people prone to cold sores kiss her baby for now.

Whether that will change once the baby is older remains to be seen but at present she isn't comfortable with it and her wishes should be respected imo.

mehhh · 01/05/2018 12:09

You are definitely not unreasonable.. there's no reason for anyone other than you to kiss her, especially when someone is prone to cold sores it's so dangerous for a baby especially that young... when my dd was first born I used to kiss her head but I'm her mum I've never had a cold sore in my life, no one else even considered kissing her until at least a few months when dp would give her the odd kiss on her head

DougFargo · 01/05/2018 12:10

there's no reason for anyone other than you to kiss her

Really? Come on!