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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask people not to kiss my newborn baby?

182 replies

MrsElenaSalvatore · 30/04/2018 20:15

I would love opinions on this please as this issue has led to my mother in law sobbing at me claiming I'm stopping her bonding with her grandchild.

As background, my baby was born prematurely and was very ill to start with. She is now 7 weeks old and doing well but I'm understandably quite protective of her.

My in-laws visit approximately 3 times a week and are generally nice people who are happy to help with anything, although i do find my mother in law overbearing at times.

I am very happy for them to have cuddles etc but my one rule was please dont koss the baby, especially given my MIL and SIL both are prone to cold sores.

Last weelend my MIL was very upset and rude to me about the kissing issue, even going as far as to say 'I may as well be holding the baby down the road if I can't kiss her' whilst sobbing uncontrollably and telling me she was embarrassed at me telling others this rule. I then felt railroaded until saying ok maybe just kiss her on the head then and the hands. This still makes me feel so uncomfortable but i also don't want to cause a family rift.

My husband is not supportive on this issue as he agrees with his mother that it is good for jer bonding. My own mother has no issue respecting my choice on this.

Sorry for the length! Does anybody have any advice on how i should handle this?

OP posts:
Bubblesandsquarks · 01/05/2018 12:16

YANBU. My first 2 were prem and I hated anyone kissing them. There's no need for it, especially their hands which go straight into their mouth!
I don't know how early yours was, but if it was significantly then her immune system will be compromised so people saying 'its fine' who had term babies have no understanding.

DD who was 12 weeks early is 1 and a half now and is basically permentantly ill, she catches everything going and its always worse than it should be (eg. Colds have developed into croup 4 times since Xmas, each time needing hospitalisation and 2 times needing an ambulance where she was going blue from struggling to breath.)
There's no need to deliberately expose them to more germs (and especially not coldsores) when their immune systems are already rubbish, it won't strengthen them they need time to do that.

Cornishclio · 01/05/2018 12:20

YANBU and your MIL is an over dramatic drama queen. I have a 10 day old DGD who was born at 37 weeks. I don't kiss her because we childmind her sister who is always coming down with colds and I don't want to risk passing a virus on. I have no problem with bonding with my DGD. You don't need to kiss her and surely the time when everybody needs to be careful with passing germs on is when a newborn is involved. My DD has set no such rule re kissing though so perhaps I am being over cautious.

KanyeWesticle · 01/05/2018 12:21

If they didn't get coldsores, YWBBU, but since they do, YANBU, and your husband needs to back you up. Coldsores are very dangerous for newborns and can turn to brain damage.

thomascook · 01/05/2018 12:25

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Hazandduck · 01/05/2018 13:10

Everyone trying to plant insecurities on the rightly concerned mother should have a read of the multiple links people have shared regarding infant risk when exposed to this virus. People raised eyebrows at me for being so precious about my DD I don’t give a crap, I’ve grown her for 9 months, I’ve given birth to her, I am going to do what I believe is correct to protect her. My DH was luckily supportive but I think that’s because I went a little crazy mama bear on him; in my view when they are that small they don’t ‘need’ anyone else but their mother. Yes it is nice to have a supportive father around but the mother’s smell, arms, milk, everything, is designed to nurture and comfort an infant. Not an over dramatic MIL. For god’s sake she has had her time raising babies, this is not her baby, she needs to step back and let her DIL and son parent as they wish. You are not being OTT, you are doing what you think is best, this is not a sign of any mental/behavioural issues with you don’t worry and congratulations on the birth of your baby, OP.

noeffingidea · 01/05/2018 13:54

I agree with you OP and I am a MIL and a grandparent. My inlaws were always very physically loving and I asked them not to kiss my babies on or near the mouth and explained why, and they respected that. In the same way I only kiss my grandchildren on the top of their heads when they are babies, and on the cheek when they are older (I have never had cold sores).If my son or daughter in law asked me not to kiss them at all I would respect that as well, and just stick to cuddles.

DougFargo · 01/05/2018 13:55

I went a little crazy mama bear on him; in my view when they are that small they don’t ‘need’ anyone else but their mother. Yes it is nice to have a supportive father around but

More than a little, clearly, and still are.....

Hazandduck · 01/05/2018 16:29

A bit rude, but I agree with you @Doug, my DD is almost 6 months and I still feel fiercely protective but have started to relax a little more (not madly sterilising etc,) I never expected to feel this strongly but until you have a baby you don’t know how you are going to feel really do you? OP wants her baby to not be kissed, it is her choice and her MIL should respect that.

Peregrane · 02/05/2018 09:21

My mother is extremely physically affectionate, and showers everyone she loves with kisses and hugs - but she never, ever, kisses babies or children on their face or their hands (without any explicit interdictions). Precisely in order to avoid any possible infections. When my sibling was born, I distinctly remember being told only to kiss his legs, again for his protection. My sibling and I do not have any allergies, we were not wrapped up in cotton wool, and our immune systems function just fine.

Nobody needs to be kissing a baby on their face in order to bond with them. Your DH needs to educate himself and his mother. It might actually be good for your MIL to tell other people of your rule and hopefully she'll find quite a few who would back you up. I really would not let her kiss the baby on the hands either!

A related aside, I am always shocked when people, including strangers, reach in to caress babies on their face. There are other ways to express affection, even physical, that do not put them at risk of infection.

DougFargo · 02/05/2018 09:22

A related aside, I am always shocked when people, including strangers, reach in to caress babies on their face. There are other ways to express affection, even physical, that do not put them at risk of infection

its an automatic, intrinsic response to tiny humans. We literally can't help it, we evolved that way.

Ohmydayslove · 02/05/2018 09:37

I would draw the line at French kissing Hmm
but apart from that chill. Really chill. You and your mil sound like drama queens.

Babies dying of cold sore infections is on a par with kids dying in exploding cars with the engine switched off and the deadly cat poo. Mumsnet madness

Seriously chill. Your baby is of course your baby but she’s also part of a loving family. Don’t spoil this for her by alienating those who are there to love and support you both.

Ohmydayslove · 02/05/2018 09:41

shocked people caress babies faces

You must lead a very strange life then and be shocked by many many every day normal
Actions.

Duck don’t carry mamma bear much further sounds like you st the limit now Wink

SunwheretheFareyou · 02/05/2018 09:46

I'm struggling to understand any few things here.
That seemingly to some poster the only way to show a baby love is via a kiss.
The only way to bond with a baby as a grandparent is to see the baby multiple times a week and kiss it. Confused

That a grannies need to kiss a baby trumps the babies vulnerability and need to be protected from cold sores Confused

That granny trumps mums understandable worries about germs and cold sores.

It's concerning how few posters don't know about the dangers of cold sores!

Op I really feel for you. I feel sorry that as a new mum who has had a rough time your now being subjected to further unnecessary angst because of one person's unyielding unreasonable behaviour. Sad

When my second dd was Born in winter, noriviurus had exploded and flu I was incredibly precious about people breathing over her and touching her. Was I so precious the following winter when she was 1 and that bit stronger.... no

It makes total sense to try and keep new borns safe. As babies grow and start to crawl and eat anything.. They naturally do enough for their immune systems.

Severide08 · 02/05/2018 09:48

My DD was prem now a very tall,after being told she would probably be smaller than her peers and probably lag behind ,this by at HV. She is an active and confident and clever 11yr old .Would I have felt same way as OP yes I would if I could wrapped her in cotton wool I would have done because she too me was tiny and therefore at greater risk and no way I would let anyone who presented a health risk to her kiss her not a chance regardless. So OP I am on your side with this one.

Myheartbelongsto · 02/05/2018 09:53

I had this rule and I didn't give a monkeys what others thought.

pictish · 02/05/2018 18:29

“Babies dying of cold sore infections is on a par with kids dying in exploding cars with the engine switched off and the deadly cat poo. Mumsnet madness.”

Well absobloodylutely! I was thinking that all these hand wringers probably drive their babies around on a daily basis, putting them at far greater risk of a collision than there is of dying from a grandma’s kiss...but it wouldn’t be mumsnet if people had perspective.

Stupid thread.

noeffingidea · 02/05/2018 18:31

Ohmydayslove it's not mumsnet madness at all, it's actually happened. Nice of you to be so dismissive of a well known health risk though.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 02/05/2018 18:45

Oh come on Pictish this particular grandmother sounds deranged. Sobbing and throwing a strop because she's been asked not to kiss her premature and previously very ill grandchild because she's prone to cold sores!

Any rational person would try and understand where the new mother was coming from and take a step back in the kissing department. Brand new babies do not need kissing from anyone other than parents.

pictish · 02/05/2018 19:00

If you say so.

Flutist · 02/05/2018 19:21

YANBU. This was in the news a few days ago: www.thesun.co.uk/news/6096087/shocking-pics-reveal-baby-infected-with-herpes-after-mum-regularly-kissed-him-on-the-lips-leaving-him-covered-in-cold-sores/

And this yesterday: www.thesun.co.uk/news/6183740/toddler-angry-rash-herpes-dad/

Show your MIL and ask her if she wants to risk that happening to your baby. Herpes is extremely dangerous for a baby, and once infected the child will suffer from herpes for the rest of its life. Your MIL is being ridiculous and selfish.

bellabasset · 02/05/2018 19:37

I was brought up to be careful where babies were kissed, taught to wash hands, how to cook meat and veg, the order in which to wash glasses, cutlery, plates and pots etc. I have separate cloths for the kitchen from the bathroom.

BTW my gm was born in 1886 and my dm in 1917 so there's nothing new about it. I have been aware about herpes for years

It's just common sense surely.

SH81 · 03/05/2018 20:59

You absolutely should not let her kiss your newborn baby. My baby died from neonatal herpes when he was 13 days old. We will never know how he caught it, as blood tests found no trace of the virus in me, but it can certainly be transmitted from a kiss even if that person does not have a cold sore as the virus sheds even with no active sores. Also bear in mind that at least 60% of the population people carry this virus and might never suffer a symptom so wouldn't know they are contagious.
People with active cold sores should stay well away from newborn babies as it can also be transmitted by touch if that person has touched their sore. If you would like to point your MIL to our charity website she can read my baby's story and might think differently afterwards www.kittarkafoundation.org

ApplesinmyPocket · 03/05/2018 22:06

I'm so sorry to read your baby's story, SH81

Thanks for sharing it. It's certainly something which should be more widely known.

Flowers
SH81 · 03/05/2018 22:58

Ohmydayslove and Pictish

Do you really think 8,500 babies die worldwide every year from exploding cars with their engines turned off?

Does a baby every week in the UK die from cat poo?

No. Didn't think so. Please check your facts before dismissing a virus that killed my baby boy.

www.kittarkafoundation.org/what-we-do

LightDrizzle · 03/05/2018 23:16

LightDrizzle

SH81 Thank you for posting that, and for your work to increase awareness of the risks.
I’m so sorry for the loss of your beautiful boy. What a poppet he was from the photographs.