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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask people not to kiss my newborn baby?

182 replies

MrsElenaSalvatore · 30/04/2018 20:15

I would love opinions on this please as this issue has led to my mother in law sobbing at me claiming I'm stopping her bonding with her grandchild.

As background, my baby was born prematurely and was very ill to start with. She is now 7 weeks old and doing well but I'm understandably quite protective of her.

My in-laws visit approximately 3 times a week and are generally nice people who are happy to help with anything, although i do find my mother in law overbearing at times.

I am very happy for them to have cuddles etc but my one rule was please dont koss the baby, especially given my MIL and SIL both are prone to cold sores.

Last weelend my MIL was very upset and rude to me about the kissing issue, even going as far as to say 'I may as well be holding the baby down the road if I can't kiss her' whilst sobbing uncontrollably and telling me she was embarrassed at me telling others this rule. I then felt railroaded until saying ok maybe just kiss her on the head then and the hands. This still makes me feel so uncomfortable but i also don't want to cause a family rift.

My husband is not supportive on this issue as he agrees with his mother that it is good for jer bonding. My own mother has no issue respecting my choice on this.

Sorry for the length! Does anybody have any advice on how i should handle this?

OP posts:
Aylarose · 01/05/2018 00:53

How silly of your MIL. Cold sores can lead to viral meningitis in babies and if she's prone to them (which means the virus lies dormant in her system) then it's not worth the risk!

I actually worry about kissing my baby nephew in case I give him any infections and he is a healthy baby and I've never had cold sores.

GermanShepherd89 · 01/05/2018 04:49

With you OP, even though I think the risk is tiny - why risk it at all? Why do people NEED to kiss babies? I don’t think babies always like it that much

SilverBirchTree · 01/05/2018 05:26

YANBU. Your MIL is behaving terribly.

I wish I’d started earlier laying ground rules for my family. Don’t let them push you around.

Fuck anyone who criticises a new mother for protecting her premature baby. Angry

PMmeHunny · 01/05/2018 06:39

I don’t have children, do get cold sores as do several of my siblings.

We never kiss little babies on the face, even before the more serious risks became known.

Coldsores hurt! And you have the virus for life. Why would you subject a baby or child to that risk? (Plus sniffing the top of their heads is so much better than any kiss).
Even now toddler DN gives us kisses on the cheek rather than other way round, less risk.

pictish · 01/05/2018 06:41

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Shutupanddance1 · 01/05/2018 06:46

I get cold sores and when my DD was under 6 months I was terrified I might give them to her! I obviously did kiss her but any sort of spot/tingle/slightly red piece of skin around my mouth would cause me to panic a little inside.

YANBU - the herpes virus doesn’t discriminate and it can be dangerous to newborns, especially premmies who tend to have compromised immune systems for quite a while after they are classed as having caught up I believe.

SharronNeedles · 01/05/2018 06:46

Pictish could not agree more.

When you do have a DGC you will see things very differently and feel awful for being so controlling

pictish · 01/05/2018 06:53

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ittakes2 · 01/05/2018 07:02

YANBU - NHS has advice about babies and coldsores. I have both herpes viruses in my blood (my doctor did a blood test) and I know the doctor said herpes cells can come off the skin without there being an obvious herpes sore developed yet. I only had a cold sore on my lip once - and it was about 40 years ago - but I would not kiss someone's baby. Kissing can wait until they are a bit older.
www.nhs.uk/conditions/neonatal-herpes/

GermanShepherd89 · 01/05/2018 07:18

But why is kissing needed to show affection and enjoy visiting baby? Does the baby really getting anything out of it?

I agree it probably is total overkill but why take a chance? I don’t even kiss my own baby near mouth as I have had cold sores in the past but we still have plenty of cuddles and I don’t think she feels she is missing out in anyway

Thundercatshoooo · 01/05/2018 07:18

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all, I have a similar rule, I've always said no kissing on the mouth or hands. I include myself in this rule too, I've never kissed my own children on the lips as babies, it's only now my eldest is 2 she sometimes catches me off guard and plants one on my lips.

My family (me included) get cold sores and this is how I came to have the virus, that's why I'm a bit funny about it. My family have respected this rule and have only ever kissed them on the top of the head as small babies. Now my toddler is 2 they turn away and offer their cheek when she tries to kiss their lips. My in-laws still kiss them both on the lips though even though I've said I don't like it and it bugs the hell out of me (my youngest is only 9 months old). I got very angry about it when they were small babies though and can completely see where you are coming from.

My in laws are potentially going to be looking after them one day a week when I go back to work, I know they'll think I sound a bit mental but I'll be requesting they don't slobber over my children's faces. I expect them to respect my wishes, whether they like it or not. We'll see how it goes I might end up dropping a day at work!

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 01/05/2018 07:25

Hmm Thundercatshoooo watch how you gonwoth that request as you may find yourself looking for alternative childcare one day a week. And yes they'll definitely think you sound mental.

I have never slobbered over my GC's face. Ever. Kissed their head, nose and cheek. In fact I've never seen anyone slobber on a baby full stop. Nasty use of language.

pictish · 01/05/2018 07:31

“But why is kissing needed to show affection and enjoy visiting baby? Does the baby really getting anything out of it?“

I don’t know! Why did you/do you kiss your baby to show affection? Because you do.
What a daft question.

fruitlovingmonkey · 01/05/2018 07:32

pictish if I get a DIL who puts her DC’s health before anything else and is brave enough to stand up to overbearing people, I will be very happy.

pictish · 01/05/2018 07:34

Great. Aren’t you just super.
Meanwhile in the real world, people will continue to show love to their loved ones in the normal way.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 01/05/2018 07:35

You can still show a huge amount of love and affection without kissing a new baby on the lips and face.

fruitlovingmonkey · 01/05/2018 07:36

Why should your need to show love trump the health of a small baby? That’s ridiculously selfish.

EyeRollChampion · 01/05/2018 07:42

My MIL is lovely, but if she visited 3 times a week I think I'd top myself Confused

Juells · 01/05/2018 07:45

Where does all this need to kiss babies on the mouth come from? Honestly, I never heard anything so daft. My mother adored babies, and I never saw her kissing a baby on the mouth ever. On the side of the cheek or top of the head. Apart from anything else, it's entirely up to the mother whether or not she allows kissing on the face.

I nearly passed out when I brought my new baby (first) to some health clinic thing, and the nurse had big fucking warts all over her hands, and started mauling the baby's face and nose, I can't remember what she was doing but I wanted to punch her. If it was now I'd say something like "Wear gloves when you touch my baby" but mostly we don't know which end of us is up when we're dealing with a baby for the first time, and people take the piss, ignore us.

ichifanny · 01/05/2018 07:47

I had this rule too OP once they got older it was fine but newborn I didn’t want people slobbering all over them , I work on HDU though and deal with some horrifically ill people with viruses etc so that’s made me a bit paranoid .

DinoSn0re · 01/05/2018 07:49

YANBU. I had the same rule and my child has still grown up with an immune system that is still robust, but I was also safe in the knowledge that she wasn’t being unnecessarily exposed to the cold sore virus. Your MIL has no rights over your baby and should be appreciative that you accommodate having them visit 3 times a week, a lot of new parents wouldn’t!

AllyMcBeagle · 01/05/2018 07:59

My understanding is cold sores can be seriously dangerous to babies and there is even a risk of death:
www.nhs.uk/conditions/neonatal-herpes/#how-serious-is-herpes-for-a-baby

So I'm going to say YANBU and your MIL needs to accept the boundaries. Talk to your HV and see what she says. I expect she will back you up.

BarbarianMum · 01/05/2018 08:02

This is very much your issue. Sounds like your other half has a dw problem if you expect him to fall in unquestioningly in line with your more extreme beliefs.

Juells · 01/05/2018 08:13

you expect him to fall in unquestioningly in line with your more extreme beliefs.

It's obviously not an extreme belief judging by this thread. I never knew that the herpes virus could be passed on from saliva, so that makes me even more convinced that people should keep their slobbery mouths to themselves, and away from babies. Respect mothers' boundaries.

BarbarianMum · 01/05/2018 08:16

Most people carry the herpes virus, including most likely the OP and her dh. So if this was really about protecting the baby they'd not be kissing it either.