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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask people not to kiss my newborn baby?

182 replies

MrsElenaSalvatore · 30/04/2018 20:15

I would love opinions on this please as this issue has led to my mother in law sobbing at me claiming I'm stopping her bonding with her grandchild.

As background, my baby was born prematurely and was very ill to start with. She is now 7 weeks old and doing well but I'm understandably quite protective of her.

My in-laws visit approximately 3 times a week and are generally nice people who are happy to help with anything, although i do find my mother in law overbearing at times.

I am very happy for them to have cuddles etc but my one rule was please dont koss the baby, especially given my MIL and SIL both are prone to cold sores.

Last weelend my MIL was very upset and rude to me about the kissing issue, even going as far as to say 'I may as well be holding the baby down the road if I can't kiss her' whilst sobbing uncontrollably and telling me she was embarrassed at me telling others this rule. I then felt railroaded until saying ok maybe just kiss her on the head then and the hands. This still makes me feel so uncomfortable but i also don't want to cause a family rift.

My husband is not supportive on this issue as he agrees with his mother that it is good for jer bonding. My own mother has no issue respecting my choice on this.

Sorry for the length! Does anybody have any advice on how i should handle this?

OP posts:
NoMudNoLotus · 30/04/2018 22:10

I had 2 prem babies.

You are being very ott and neurotic.

greendale17 · 30/04/2018 22:13

YABU and you know it.

The cold sore thing is just an excuse isn’t itZ

GreenTulips · 30/04/2018 22:24

Screen shot

Worth the risk?

To ask people not to kiss my newborn baby?
LorelaiVictoriaGilmore · 30/04/2018 22:26

I won't let my sister hug and kiss my baby when she stinks of cigarettes or weed and I get a shed load of grief for it. AIBU? Because I think the OP has an even stronger argument than I do and I don't know why people think they are entitled to bond with other people's children in whatever manner they see fit. MIL is beyond pathetic to be crying her eyes out over it - emotional manipulation.

missmorleyme · 30/04/2018 22:32

You don't have to have an active visible cold sore to pass the herpes virus on, it's contained in saliva aswell, as disgusting as it is. No one should faulypu for protecting your baby, your mil in bu, it's not like you are outright banning her from touching the baby. She needs to respect your wishes as a parent to your child and so does your dh. He is the babys parent too, but is clearly a little more laid back than you. Your baby is probably more susceptible to becoming ill with being born prem. Yanbu at all, in fact you are being quite realistic. Everyone cleans their hands with antiseptic cleaner when touching a new baby to prevent passing on harmful germs and the like, stating your rule is just like that. Stand your ground and don't back down in this.

MrsBobDylan · 30/04/2018 22:33

I actually don't think it matters if you are being unreasonable op - your baby will cope without kisses and presumably, once she is bigger you will start to feel less anxious.

I think your mil is being unreasonable though...sobbing because she can't get her own way is dreadful!

Ssssurvey · 30/04/2018 22:33

Yanbu. I only allowed family to kiss on the forehead well into toddler age and beyond. I have never had a coldsore but heard lots of people complain about them yet fail to understand it is viral.

Carboholic · 30/04/2018 22:35

YANBU.

I think most likely the cold sores would not be an issue. But just in case - it's better to be safe. There is no NEED to kiss the baby - one can interact quite well with them with other kinds of touching.

I think the bigger issue is the COMPLETELY OTT reaction of your MIL and the very wimpy reaction by your DH. You are right - now is the time to lay the ground rules. If you let her bully you into this with hwr tears, there will be no end to it. Stand your ground.

FFS, the idea of a grown woman sobbing over not being allowed to kiss someone elses's child is really repulsive.

LML83 · 30/04/2018 22:39

yanbu

your MIL is being dramatic and hysterical sobbing about it. You might be over sensitive (in her opinion, not mine) but she should cut you some slack as a new mum. So should your dh even if he feels it's a bit ott (again I didn't think it's ott).

You can bond with a baby without kissing it, sounds like MIL doesn't like being told what to do and is having a fit.

Show her the information and ask her what she thinks is the right thing to do?

Good luck op.

Isadora2007 · 30/04/2018 22:49

OP, have you ever had a cold sore? I ask because I was in a real panic when expecting my fourth baby as my third who was 3 at the time had terrible cold sore outbreaks regularly with 12-15 sores round her mouth and Zovirax oral medicine on repeat prescription due to the severity and regularity of the outbreaks.
I was so worried about the baby risking them that I got reassured from the paediatrician that if I had experienced cold sores (which I had- never badly, just the old sore) then my baby would be immune.

UpstartCrow · 30/04/2018 22:56

@Isadora2007 Maternal immunity only lasts for the first 6 months.

It is not reasonable for someone who has the virus to kiss children.

Isadora2007 · 30/04/2018 22:59

@upstartcrow what? Forever?
That would mean no one ever got to kiss babies as most people carry the herpes virus.
After 6 months it is unlikely to be dangerous.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 30/04/2018 23:05

I get cold sores am I’m fully aware that i don need a sore in order to infect someone, I’m also aware they can be fatal for little babies or cause things like blindness.

So as a result I don’t kiss little babies not even my own.

sugarr · 30/04/2018 23:12

YANBU it's yours and DH baby. As a mother you will do what you feel is best, even if it does upset others. I was the same with my DS, your just being over protective.

UpstartCrow · 30/04/2018 23:14

Don't give cold sores to children. Its more important not to give cold sores to children than it is to kiss them.

Original poster
MrsElenaSalvatore · 30/04/2018 23:17

No, never had a cold sore myself. If I'm honest it's not just the cold sore issue, it just generally makes me uncomfortable. I've always thought only parents should kiss their babies and would never dream of kissing another persons baby myself. I guess it's just a difference of opinion.

Just had a chat with DH and he says he will support me on this. It's just difficult as i really don't want to upset or offend anybody but looks like that may be unavoidable. I genuinely want my baby to have a strong relationship with all grandparents and dont want to jeopardise that.

OP posts:
Maelstrop · 30/04/2018 23:23

Good on your dh. Your mil is hysterical and unreasonable. Utterly ridiculous and over the top.

SnowGoArea · 30/04/2018 23:29

You're probably worrying more than is necessary but so what? That's almost not the issue. MIL absolutely does not need to kiss your baby in order to bond. She'd like to, understandably, but the decent thing to do would be to go along with your wishes whilst you are in the throes of protecting your vulnerable newborn as you see fit.

Yes, your baby isn't your property, but she isn't MILs either. Her wishes shouldn't override yours when the two conflict.

GrandTheftWalrus · 30/04/2018 23:48

I don't kiss dd when I have a coldsore but when it's gone I do. I had coldsores when pregnant as well.

RavenWings · 30/04/2018 23:52

I think you are being ott, but I see you and dh have sorted it out between yourselves.

fruitlovingmonkey · 30/04/2018 23:57

YANBU someone with herpes shouldn’t be kissing a young baby.

Bumdishcloths · 01/05/2018 00:08

YANBU

The herpes (cold sore) virus can be transmitted by some people without active sores (asymptomatic shedding). Herpes in babies can be very dangerous, and I would be especially careful around a preemie regardless of how old they are now etc.

Your baby, your choice.

GlitterBurps · 01/05/2018 00:17

Went to a family party recently. Distant inlaw asked to cuddle DS2 11 months. Next thing she kissed him on the mouth covering him in pink lipstick! Was a bit annoyed but she is so lovely I didn’t have the heart to say anything.

Koalablue · 01/05/2018 00:44

My mum new a baby who went blind after being kissed by someone with a coldsore. Im with you on this one.

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