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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask people not to kiss my newborn baby?

182 replies

MrsElenaSalvatore · 30/04/2018 20:15

I would love opinions on this please as this issue has led to my mother in law sobbing at me claiming I'm stopping her bonding with her grandchild.

As background, my baby was born prematurely and was very ill to start with. She is now 7 weeks old and doing well but I'm understandably quite protective of her.

My in-laws visit approximately 3 times a week and are generally nice people who are happy to help with anything, although i do find my mother in law overbearing at times.

I am very happy for them to have cuddles etc but my one rule was please dont koss the baby, especially given my MIL and SIL both are prone to cold sores.

Last weelend my MIL was very upset and rude to me about the kissing issue, even going as far as to say 'I may as well be holding the baby down the road if I can't kiss her' whilst sobbing uncontrollably and telling me she was embarrassed at me telling others this rule. I then felt railroaded until saying ok maybe just kiss her on the head then and the hands. This still makes me feel so uncomfortable but i also don't want to cause a family rift.

My husband is not supportive on this issue as he agrees with his mother that it is good for jer bonding. My own mother has no issue respecting my choice on this.

Sorry for the length! Does anybody have any advice on how i should handle this?

OP posts:
Pleasebeafleabite · 30/04/2018 20:50

I can’t see much danger in kissing the top of baby’s head? Hands or face though, yuk coldsores or not it’s unhygienic

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 30/04/2018 20:53

I kind of agree with you OP and I say that as a grandma. I was very mindful when my GC was tiny not to kiss on face as not to upset DIL ( not that she ever said I couldn't ) because it's something that bothered me when mine were babies. I would give a quick kiss on the head though and lots of hugs.

Sounds like you need a bit of space from your inlaws tbh OP, 3 times a week is a lot for anyone to visit imo.

SecretIsland · 30/04/2018 20:54

Yanbu op.

Show your dh and MIL the link and stand firm on no kissing. If your MIL refuses to listen then refuse to hand her the baby.

missymayhemsmum · 30/04/2018 20:54

Lots of ways to bond with a baby without kissing. Cuddles, singing lullabies, rocking. Or kissing them on their hair while snuggling them close. All quite safe.

NotUmbongoUnchained · 30/04/2018 20:55

I had a random lady off the street ask if she could kiss my newborn!
I asked her if I could kiss her husband.

WalkingOnAFlashlightBeam · 30/04/2018 20:55

YANBU. Sounds pretty gross. I wouldn't kiss someone else's child, even if we were related.

Liara · 30/04/2018 20:55

Kissing and cuddling is an important part of building up a healthy immune system.

Children who are not touched do not grow up to be healthier than those who are!

halfwitpicker · 30/04/2018 20:57

Big no no because of the cold sores.

Iloveacurry · 30/04/2018 20:57

Why does your MIL need to bond with the baby?! She’s not the parent!

GrandTheftWalrus · 30/04/2018 20:59

I get coldsores. Does that mean I'm not allowed to kiss my DC?

Foxsox · 30/04/2018 21:03

Bond?
Bollocks!!!!
Show the advice and tell her to get over herself.

Tell husband to get inside or be quiet. This is a new prem baby, yes he is her dad but ffs she isn't a doll

KatherinaMinola · 30/04/2018 21:06

Tbh your MIL needs to stop with the hysterics.

Yup. Or not visit. She's not helping one bit, is she?

YADNBU on the cold sores issue.

Fluffyears · 30/04/2018 21:07

I read about a baby that died from strep b, passed on by adults kissing him on the mouth. What need is there to
Kiss a baby?

Mummycamel · 30/04/2018 21:07

Sounds like you need some space from your MIL. I agree, your baby is tiny and I agree with previous post, you and your husband are the only ones who need to bond with your baby. I got worn out letting other members of the family spend time and ‘bond’ with my dc1 and then kept my next three close to myself for the first few months. She only needs to know your smell at this age!

WinnieFosterTether · 30/04/2018 21:12

There's probably 3 different issues.

  1. You and DH disagree. You need to work out how to compromise over parenting or you're setting up a lifetime of arguments.
  2. You think DMIL should just adhere to your rule unquestioningly. That's unrealistic (if not UR). She knows your DH doesn't agree with you. And although you are the mum, there will be many, many, many occasions where people will question your parenting decisions, from complete strangers to relatives to friends. The sooner you realise that parenting comes with lots of questions, the better.
  3. I'm not sure if you consider them a risk or if you are just unhappy about kissing and want to control interactions with your DC. As with point 2, you can't control all interactions with your DC. It's simply not possible. If this is genuinely all based on risk then discuss your concerns with the HV/midwife preferably when DH is there. They can reassure you both on the best medical way to proceed.
pictish · 30/04/2018 21:12

“Tell her to buy a dog if she wants to slobber.”

What a nasty way to describe an expression of love. Fuck sake.

pictish · 30/04/2018 21:20

Oh and I just can’t wait till my sons have children with someone who won’t let me give my grandchild a kiss. So looking forward to a dil like that - hope I get one, or even two if I’m lucky. Here’s hoping!

Allygran · 30/04/2018 21:22

Hi
When my son was born we lived with my mother. I have three sisters who each have two children who at the time were all between the ages of 8 and 13. Every Sunday everyone came for lunch and wanted to pick up my baby, hug and kiss him even though he had been fed, changed and was down to sleep. Both my husband and i were very touchy about this and started going out when they were coming to Mums. I also asked my Mum not to pick him up when he cried if he was fed, clean and had been winded, because I wanted to bring him up not to connect crying with getting attention. My Mum went along with this, not until twenty or so years later did I find out from my Mum and my sisters just how hurt they were by my denying them contact and spontaneous love for a grandson and a nephew. Now my only thought as a new Mum was to protect and bring up my baby in a certain way without others "interfering" or messing up my routine with the baby. Only with the years and the honest discussion I had with my mum and sisters all those years later did I realise that there is much more to being a good Mum. There is also being a good daughter and sister. It all seems so silly now, but at the time it was my whole purpose in life to be in control and protect. My in-laws took no notice of me at all, and we stopped taking our baby to see them because they would not comply. It now seems so silly. Our son needed more than just routine and protection, he needed the love of his family. I regret that I did that now, but as I said, it was all important at the time, so much so that it said more about me and my husband than my family and in-laws. Having a new baby is suppose to be a happy time for all the family and I spoiled that, and it cannot be put right, that's my sadness. I share this with you so you can see your not the only one who believes that protecting your child form germs is important, for me I now realise it was really an excuse for control. Because I was a new Mum and was overwhelmed with the responsibility and afraid that something would go wrong.
Good wishes, and I hope that you will enjoy your baby's baby days. This time goes by and soon they no longer need you and that should be a joy as well.

KatherinaMinola · 30/04/2018 21:26

Allygran, this is a prem baby who needs to be protected from cold sores that can be very very dangerous for newborns (even full-termers).

It's a different scenario from yours, which was more about wanting a particular routine for your child (which is OK too).

OnTheRise · 30/04/2018 21:28

My mother gets cold sores, and insisted on kissing my sister's children on the lips when they were tiny. Two of my sister's children ended up catching cold sores from her, and one of them was hospitalised as a result--she was terribly ill with them. And even now, she's in her twenties, and still gets wiped out when she has an outbreak.

If your MIL has your baby's best interests at heart she'll agree not to kiss your baby. It's not a big deal in the grand scheme of things.

KeepServingTheDrinks · 30/04/2018 21:59

Beautiful post Allygran Flowers

Aprilmightbemynewname · 30/04/2018 22:01

pictish grown ups don't cry when they don't get their own way. Nowt about love in her behaviour.
It's not her baby ffs.

Singlenotsingle · 30/04/2018 22:03

Just no kisses on the mouth! On the top of the head is fine. Germs, cold sores etc. Surely your mil must understand?

Original poster
MrsElenaSalvatore · 30/04/2018 22:05

Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply, and it is reassuring that not everybody thinks I'm unreasonable! My husband gave her a call just now with a view to supporting me but when it got down to asking no kisses on the hands he just cpuldn't do it as she would 'kick off'. I'm beginning to think I've got a DH problem as well as a MIL one now...

OP posts:
agnurse · 30/04/2018 22:08

You might ask him what's the worst that could happen if she "kicks off"? What's she going to do? Spank him? He's too old. Blow up your phones? Turn them off or disconnect them. Come over and throw a tantrum? Don't let her in the house and call the police if you feel threatened. Just because she WANTS to throw a fit, doesn't mean you're obligated to be an audience.

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