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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Nightmare child and dh constantly undermining me.

246 replies

Justalittlelemondrizzle · 29/04/2018 21:00

So dd2 is a nightmare! Her behaviour has become increasingly worse during the last year. Everything is a battle, getting her to school, eating her dinner, going to bed, etc.
About a month ago, after the holiday of a lifetime was marred by her behaviour I decided to be tougher.
This has been met with resistance from H who says I am now treating the dcs differently. Even saying to dd2 tonight "we all know who is mummys favourite" I mean who says that to a 9 year old. I don't have favourites!!
I'm not treating them differently dd1 can be a bit lippy and has her moments but nothing serious. "So obviously the punishments have to reflect the crime" so to speak.
I'm not being overly tough. But I am not letting her get away with treating me like shit anymore. And she is now using him against me.
I can't get him on board. I have tried. He says I'm not fit to be a mother because I wouldnt let her stay up to watch something tonight because of the way she'd just treated me (screaming at me, calling me names and spraying hairspray in mine and dd1s direction!! when I was attempting to dry her hair)

He's saying my punishments are unfair (she's grounded indefinitely until her behaviour improves) this decision wasn't taken lightly. This is after trying everything else for weeks. (Loss of screen time, grounded for an evening etc) these things wernt working. She'd just do her time and behave just as badly the next day, and the cycle would continue over and over again.

I'm trying to be consistent. Im trying to be fair. But I'm being constantly undermined by him and it's giving her more ammunition to behave badly.

Any advice re dd? And him..

OP posts:
Aprilmightbemynewname · 29/04/2018 21:02

Dd keep up the consistency.
And him, ltb.
Disney df's don't do well long term.

PinkbicyclesinBerlin · 29/04/2018 21:04

Justalittle I would be concerned about why a previously non nightmare child has suddenly become a nightmare. I say that because I have a similar situation and I am nearly certain in our case it is to do with some background changes not relating to her that she has picked up on.

I am going in the opposite direction to you and love bombing. It is having an effect but it is slow. I will be interested to hear others replies.

BellyBean · 29/04/2018 21:06

If you feel behaviour and punishments are just ramping up, how to talk so teens will listen might be worth a read.

Original poster
Justalittlelemondrizzle · 29/04/2018 21:07

It's getting harder and harder to be consistent with him around. He undoes all I do in about 5 minutes flat. Makes her think that I am wrong and I hate her. I don't hate her. I hate her behaviour. She's driving a huge wedge between us. He just wants an easy life right now. That's part of the reason she is like this.

OP posts:
calzone · 29/04/2018 21:13

She’s 9 years old?

Hmmmm.
Definitely pick your battles.

If she doesn’t eat, don’t force it. She will eat eventually.

Could you bribe her with a treat if she gets dressed nicely for school and goes without a fuss? Tea and cake somewhere?

Bad language and aggression gets a warning and then something removed.

calzone · 29/04/2018 21:15

Could you spend lots of 1:1 time with her?

TheClitterati · 29/04/2018 21:15

I think she is mirroring your Hs behaviour towards you. Sad

GruffaloPants · 29/04/2018 21:17

He doesn't sound helpful.

Your approach seems pretty full on. Why is she so angry? Suggest working a bit more on your relationship. If she's grounded indefinitely where's the motivation on a day to day basis? Might be better to go more carrot and less stick.

greathat · 29/04/2018 21:19

Grounding a 9 year old seems odd. What's she lost due to that?

RandomMess · 29/04/2018 21:19

Time for couple/family therapy???

Original poster
Justalittlelemondrizzle · 29/04/2018 21:21

I thought that too re mirroring h's behaviour.

Like I said. I tried everything else. It didn't bother her. She knew they were short term things.
Her incentive is to get to play outside once her behaviour has dramatically improved. It has got to the stage where there is nothing else I can do.

I also tried the love bombing and spending 1 on 1 time with just her. It made no difference.

OP posts:
RafikiIsTheBest · 29/04/2018 21:22

What punishments are you enforcing? Is her dad backing you up with the punishments even though he's undermining you verbally? Or is he letting her do things that you have said no to?

I think you need to sit down with the whole family and come up with expectations of behaviour for you all and a whole reset as a family on working together.

I couldn't cope with being undermined like that day in day out, you must have some real strength to not be constantly screaming or walking away. I'd either be yelling at DP, making him deal with it all or leaving the house or kicking him out.
For what it's worth I think you are right and he's a dick. You aren't treating them different, you are punishing behaviours, she is misbehaving and you are reacting to that. If she behaved (like her sister) you would praise.

Have you tried love bombing, maybe you and DP being on the same page even if you don't agree might be more helpful. Maybe if you agree to try that for say 3 months and she doesn't agree he will be more willing to try your way?

Original poster
Justalittlelemondrizzle · 29/04/2018 21:23

Sorry greathat I don't understand your question.

She's grounded. She can't go out and play with the kids on our road.

OP posts:
Colbu24 · 29/04/2018 21:26

I always parent by negotiating. Sounds like you got yourself into a battle of wills an you think you are losing.
See what your DP does right and maybe have some fun with your DD.
Sounds like everyone it's having a miserable time at home.
See what she wants and how she can get it. Tell her what you want and see if you can both reach an agreement.
You sound very angry and if you change as the adult you'll give her a better example on how to behave towards people.
You may not feel like it but love her and enjoy her. Remember this are the easy years before the dreaded teens.

Original poster
Justalittlelemondrizzle · 29/04/2018 21:27

thebest at the moment the only punishment I am enforcing is her being grounded until her behaviour improves and she learns some respect.
Dh strangely seems to be on board with that. But was not on board with me taking away her screen time this evening due to her loud, abusive and aggressive behaviour towards me and dd1.

OP posts:
colditz · 29/04/2018 21:28

Lemondrizzle, some people don't let nine year olds out ton play, in fact some people don't seem to let nine year olds make their own breakfast, so may not understand that grounding is a thing you can do.

I wouldn't live with a man who didn't support my parenting. But if you have to, I would counter his "We all know who the favourite is!" comments with "I have favourite behaviour, not favourite people. Behave nicely and your behaviour will be my favourite"

Weezol · 29/04/2018 21:28

Your DD2 isn't driving a wedge, your H is. It's him playing favourites and it's him using his nine year old daughter to upset you and boost his ego, with not a care for the damage this does to her, you and DD1.

Original poster
Justalittlelemondrizzle · 29/04/2018 21:32

I start each day a fresh. (Apart from her being grounded) yet she always has to cause a row. It's almost like she enjoys it. Yes everyone is miserable. He's now taken himself off somewhere. Dd2 is crying coz he's left and is demanding to know where he is even though he didn't have the decency to tell me. I've just had to WhatsApp dd1 to tell her to ignore her as she was reacting to her making things worse. How sad is that!

OP posts:
fleshmarketclose · 29/04/2018 21:33

If punishments aren't working the solution isn't to make punishments even harsher tbh, it just breeds unhappiness and resentment. I'd stop the battles, never start a battle you can't win, ignore as much as possible, reward every positive and work on your relationship with your dd. When you have a positive relationship her behaviour will improve as she will have an incentive to make you happy.

theeyeofthestormchaser · 29/04/2018 21:35

Your h is the problem here. I bet if he agreed with you and backed you up, your dd’s behaviour would be a lot better.

Has anything changed in your dd’s life to change her behaviour?

Has your h always been a twat?

Original poster
Justalittlelemondrizzle · 29/04/2018 21:36

Both dds have lots of friends on our road. The road is full of kids playing all the time. The dds are always out on their bikes or scooters with them or in their/our gardens. It's quite lovely actually.

That is why I feel this is the only punishment I have left to try. She's still going to brownies and school. Can do what she likes in the house or our garden on her own.

What is grounding to everyone else?

OP posts:
GeordieGirl233 · 29/04/2018 21:36

Your husband sounds like a right twat

Angharad07 · 29/04/2018 21:37

@colbu24 certainly doesn’t sound like the easy years.

I wish people would stop giving all teenagers the “teen behaviour stamp”. Some are lovely, well adjusted, kind and considerate. I don’t believe any teen should be excused for throwing tantrums. I don’t know why people tolerate bratty behaviour because ‘oh well I suppose they are a teenager’. I see it all the time on Mumsnet. Everyone expects bad behaviour before it’s even presented which sets the tone for the child!

Some people have difficult children who actually get better by their teenage years so remain in hope OP. Nip it in the bus now with some family counselling before it gets any worse Smile good luck

RandomMess · 29/04/2018 21:37

If you get rid of your H I'm sure your DD2's behaviour will massively improve!

GruffaloPants · 29/04/2018 21:39

Have you considered family therapy? It sounds like you all need a shift in how things play out, maybe outside help could help break the patterns.

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