Nightmare child and dh constantly undermining me.

[Justalittlelemondrizzle]

So dd2 is a nightmare! Her behaviour has become increasingly worse during the last year. Everything is a battle, getting her to school, eating her dinner, going to bed, etc.
About a month ago, after the holiday of a lifetime was marred by her behaviour I decided to be tougher.
This has been met with resistance from H who says I am now treating the dcs differently. Even saying to dd2 tonight "we all know who is mummys favourite" I mean who says that to a 9 year old. I don't have favourites!!
I'm not treating them differently dd1 can be a bit lippy and has her moments but nothing serious. "So obviously the punishments have to reflect the crime" so to speak.
I'm not being overly tough. But I am not letting her get away with treating me like shit anymore. And she is now using him against me.
I can't get him on board. I have tried. He says I'm not fit to be a mother because I wouldnt let her stay up to watch something tonight because of the way she'd just treated me (screaming at me, calling me names and spraying hairspray in mine and dd1s direction!! when I was attempting to dry her hair)

He's saying my punishments are unfair (she's grounded indefinitely until her behaviour improves) this decision wasn't taken lightly. This is after trying everything else for weeks. (Loss of screen time, grounded for an evening etc) these things wernt working. She'd just do her time and behave just as badly the next day, and the cycle would continue over and over again.

I'm trying to be consistent. Im trying to be fair. But I'm being constantly undermined by him and it's giving her more ammunition to behave badly.

Any advice re dd? And him..

It doesn't help that I am financially reliant on him. I have a job but only part time. As we don't really have anyone to have the dcs. Those that we did have now won't have dd2 so I'm screwed.

Could you talk to the school and see if they could offer some guidance to you and your husband, if it's coming from someone else he might be more inclined to listen? Children really do pick up their attitudes from parents though :(

Won't have the dcs in the holidays

Is she a teenager or is she 9? I'm confused.

She's 9

The issue you have isn't your 9 yr old its you and your DH inability to be agreed on how to deal with your DC. You both get your other DC involved with DH comments about 'who is the favourite' and himr undermining you and you 'whats app' your eldest. You both need to take a breath and speak to each other and agree on how you deal with your DC.

In same situ with ds and dh-infuriating isn't it? (as well as upsetting) I deal with it with the view that with ds it's just teen angst(which can start at 9 apparently) and it will get better. I stick to any punishments despite attempts from dh to ask me to lessen them such ad giving game console back earlier but once it's on the calender it stays that way. Have read that kids tend to react/rebel against those they feel closed to when trying to strive for independence so take comfort in that. Some days ds and I get on like we used to and I hang onto that to keep me going. Hang on in there. Think that eventually yr dd will have respect for you and maybe not dh(not that it is a competition of course) Not sure if thats any help just my take on it.
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behaviour like this doesnt just appear there has to be a trigger - either physical (hormones - puberty can start early) or some environmental factor (at home/school etc).

At the moment you are just trying to manage the symptoms rather than actually looking at the cause for it (and it will have a cause)

So I would maybe make a GP appointment see if puberty and hormones (or something else) and talk to the school and see how she behaves there.

Then as well look really at whether the relationship between you and your husband is also a factor and also try and create a united front

It sounds like punishments aren’t working. You NEED to ACCEPT this and try something else. Also don’t make your elder daughter piggy in the middle by Whatsapping her stuff to do with her sister; you are parenting both girls and need to respect them both as individuals. As for your DH I think you need to give him a more active role; if she won’t do this nicely with you then make him responsible for it. It could result in a week of fighting her in the bath & meal times and allow him to appreciate you OR it could result in the opposite and might give you food for thought. Either way something different needs to happen.

If she's 9 why are people giving advice on teenagers? She's a way off that yet.

I agree with other posters who are saying there was a trigger, something started it off and your H is jumping on the bandwagon - does he have form? What else is going on in your lives?

I whatsapped my eldest to quietly tell her to stop reacting to dd2 screaming for daddy, who's now gone awol. If I'd have spoken she would have got worse. I'd already answered her and told her I didn't know where he was.
She shut up as soon as eldest stopped responding. Dd2 was doing it for effect.
When she wasn't getting the attention. She gave up.

Your dh left? And now she’s crying

Tbh this is shocking. Where is the communication? Sounds like you have three kids not two

Tell your husband that at the very least he must not undermine your decisions in front of your child

Insist that he talks to you in another room

I think this behaviour is being caused by the stresses within your relationship.

I think endless grounding must feel pretty hopeless for her, and obviously your DH is totally undermining it -- that means it won't work. Assuming he isn't just an unreasonable git, what would he support or what does he suggest?
And if this is relatively sudden, why do you think it's happening? Is there an underlying issue that is upsetting her? Maybe family counselling or a dramatic change in approach - clearly what you are doing now is pretty toxic for everyone.

Grounding indefanatly doesnt work. Honestly I’ve been there.

Something is causing her to play up and I’d change tact.

I’d start love bombing her and spending 1-2– quality time just you and her. Which I now goes against the grain.

Your dh is is actuslly setting the narrative so don’t let him dictate how your relationship goes with her.

Start a fresh. When you wake up in the morning, smile and hug her. Try and hug her 10 times a day or at least touch her. Talk talk and talk with her.

You can 100% pull this back. Pull her back to you.

I’ve three girls - eldest is 22. They seem to do a 4-6 month stint in arseholery every year!

Raising daughters is s really good book

Nothing's changed in any of our lives. There wasn't a trigger. I think it's just got progressively worse due to us not addressing her increasingly worse behaviour over time. We were too soft for too long. He still is.

Your DH sounds unhelpful but I think you've also got into a really negative pattern with her yourself. It's obvious from the way you describe her that she's assumed a role as the "nightmare" child while your other DD is the good child (your DH is also exaggerating this).

I think you're feeding into the cycle by ramping up the punishments. Grounded indefinitely at 9 years old ? That's just sending out the message that she's bad rather than her behaviour is bad. If she's really that out of control you need therapy to seek out the cause.

Whatever you do you can't just meat out punishments without any positives and expect her attitude to magically transform - that's going to breed more resentment. It sounds like you need to spend positive time with her 1 on 1. (Without DH's influence or her well behaved sister to be compared to). Give her an opportunity to be positive and encourage her to have a nice time and behave well (don't set out with a "I'm giving you a chance you better not blow it" attitude or come home with a "see you can be good" attitude).

Also I think Dancingleopard's advice is really good. For whatever reason she's got into a negative pattern of behaviour, her method of getting attention is being the bad kid, you need to break that cycle. Not play into it by reinforcing her "bad kid" role.

shes just doing it for attention

And she will 100% start again tomorrow.

I’d go and get in bed with her. She knows her dad is out but is still making a scene to you

Honestly im not one of those hippy soft mums (have been called screaming skull in the past) but behaviour like this is when they feel out of control over something.

Bob your head in and see if she would like a cuddle

Dd2 was doing it for effect.
When she wasn't getting the attention. She gave up.

That could be it. Does she feel left out, is she not getting enough time with you.?

Having read more of the thread you sound very hostile towards your 9 year old daughter. It almost sounds like the hostilities in your relationship are being played out with your daughters with each of them taking one side. If she's crying out for attention then why? When does she get positive attention from you?

She gets plenty of attention from me. More off me than off him as well.

Me and dh usually have a fine relationship. We don't argue. Are on the same page with most things. Until now.
Dd2s behaviour has caused a rift. Not the other way around. But he really has shown his true colours tonight.

She has no need to seek attention. She gets praise and attention when she's good. If anyone should be seeking attention it should be dd1. Who is losing out because if all of this.

until her behaviour improves and she learns some respect

What does that mean, in specific detail which is clearly understood by a 9 year old?

Write a list of house rules which everyone (including DH) has to agree too, relating to listening; talking quietly; language; no hitting; mealtimes etc. Be clear and specific. Agree with everyone about what rewards and punishments are going to be used. Then stick to rules, don't add new rules or sanctions out of the blue. Review how it is going, with everyone, after about 2 weeks. Implement improvements based on everyone's ideas.

just do you do things on your own with her? Do you properly chat about why she behaves the way she does - non confrontational

It seems that the change may have been your unilateral decision to introduce harsher punishments without the agreement and cooperation of the other parent. DDis able to divide and rule because her parents are not doing their job and implementing an agreed strategy - she sees "good cop" and "bad cop" - but this is not really about her - it is about you and DH.

You need to accept that you have got into a totally negative spiral with her with you reacting to more and more harsh punishments. I think you have shot yourself in the foot a bit with the indefinate grounding of a 9 year old. I am not sure that this will get her to see the error of her ways - more that she will just give up any attempt to improve as she is already indefinately grounded anyway

Speaking from experience of getting into a negative spiral with my own ASD dd1 - the child cannot get herself out of this spiral. You need to make it easy and accessible for her. Try to shift away from long term punishments culture. Try to introduce positive parenting and praise her for stuff she does that is good. Let her do something ridiculously easy to "earn" 30 minutes of playtime. You need to get away from the negative "punish. punish and punish again" ideas and make it more positive.Don't sweat the small stuff either.

A big problem is you and DH being unable to compromise on parenting strategies that has ended up with your in this good cop/bad cop pattern. Perhaps a parenting class would help you find compromise.

Dh works long hours. So it's usually just me and the dcs. Dd1 is too young to be left alone while I do things with dd2 and vice-versa. So it's hard. But I do try to spend quality time with each of them at home when I can.