Nightmare child and dh constantly undermining me.

[Justalittlelemondrizzle]

So dd2 is a nightmare! Her behaviour has become increasingly worse during the last year. Everything is a battle, getting her to school, eating her dinner, going to bed, etc.
About a month ago, after the holiday of a lifetime was marred by her behaviour I decided to be tougher.
This has been met with resistance from H who says I am now treating the dcs differently. Even saying to dd2 tonight "we all know who is mummys favourite" I mean who says that to a 9 year old. I don't have favourites!!
I'm not treating them differently dd1 can be a bit lippy and has her moments but nothing serious. "So obviously the punishments have to reflect the crime" so to speak.
I'm not being overly tough. But I am not letting her get away with treating me like shit anymore. And she is now using him against me.
I can't get him on board. I have tried. He says I'm not fit to be a mother because I wouldnt let her stay up to watch something tonight because of the way she'd just treated me (screaming at me, calling me names and spraying hairspray in mine and dd1s direction!! when I was attempting to dry her hair)

He's saying my punishments are unfair (she's grounded indefinitely until her behaviour improves) this decision wasn't taken lightly. This is after trying everything else for weeks. (Loss of screen time, grounded for an evening etc) these things wernt working. She'd just do her time and behave just as badly the next day, and the cycle would continue over and over again.

I'm trying to be consistent. Im trying to be fair. But I'm being constantly undermined by him and it's giving her more ammunition to behave badly.

Any advice re dd? And him..

Talbotaman-I also use the expression 'undermining'but can go either way really. Think it's more to the fact that he should back her up(infront of ds even if he doesn't agree and then discuss later with dw in private)

I'm not blaming her. I'm blaming her behaviour. Her behaviour is what has caused a massive rift with extended family who now will not babysit her.
I am not blaming her for any problems in my marriage. Dh is being a dick. He is immature and will do anything for an easy life. Which is why she thinks she can get away with behaving this way.
Yes I suppose I do see myself as the one in charge as I am the one who has to deal with the behaviour 95% of the time as he comes home when it's nearly bedtime.
I haven't suddenly gone from being soft to authoritarian. I was too soft. Then I tried positive parenting and love bombing for about 4 months. This had no effect other than her becoming entitled and dd1 acting up because dd2 was getting away with things all the time.
Then I tried gentle punishments (grounding for one evening, loss of screen time for one evening, losing her ipad for a few days) alongside reward charts etc.
None of this worked.
Her behaviour became so bad I decided that she would be grounded until her behaviour improved.

Whilst he is working against you this sugih g to be very tricky to solve. To be honest I agree that you should ltb, and then crack on with solving the childcare issue. I would sit him down and tell him you will, or at least lay out to him that you will unless he stops.

He sounds truly horrible.

She hasn't even managed a full day of good behaviour yet

Then you are clearly expecting too much. Start with 30 minutes of good behavour, make an effort to notice it and tell her you've noticed. Hell, start with 10 minutes of good behaviour, 5 minutes, just take the time to notice when she says or does one kind thing. Simply not annoying you for a few minutes could be something you notice and comment on e.g. You packed your bag for school, thank you, that's something I don't need to worry about so you've been really helpful.

Yes, I know people will say that is rewarding something she should be doing automatically, but clearly she isn't and you really, really need to change the toxic dynamc which you are allowing to develop.

Meant 'dm'not 'dw'! Agree wiv littleboopeep. Makes me think I would have a better hold on my situ if was single parenting

Also re the grounding, a one day at a time approach works best with that age group .

And change is really hard, it takes practice and repetition and commitment. You can only change how you react to situations and hope that it leads to her changing her reactions in response. She won't know how to react when you start changing your approach to her, give both yourselves time to work out a new way of interacting.

Lots of typos! Apologies.

Tbh I don’t believe he’s not a knob in other areas and everything was fine before DD started kicking off. I think you may not be being honest with yourself about the extent of his knobbishness. It’s most likely that DD is reacting to dynamics at home.

And yes. I am very conscious of the fact that at 9. I only have a small window of time where I have influence. This needs sorting now before it gets too late.

My family have basically washed their hands off of her. I've had countless conversations with them about this. She is only 9. She is obviously having a hard time. I've told them. Negativity breeds negativity. But she's treated them like shit and "she isn't their problem."

I was always the 'scapegoat' in my family. And my dm definately had her favourite. She still does. It's obvious to everyone but her and db. Please don't say I'm scapegoating my dd. I would be the last person to ever do that!

I don't think it's fair to say you don't believe her regarding her DH not being an idiot in other areas. The OP knows her DH, we don't!

Children can cause the biggest rifts in marriage if you let them. My friend and her DH were the perfect couple but their DD literally wrecked their marriage due to neither of them ever disciplining her. It was their own fault but so sad.

Your wider family are scapegoating her.
I suspect that she feels like she is being scapegoated, although I can see why it is something you would reject.
She is only 9 years old. Is there absolutely no way for you and your DH to reach an agreed approach to parenting? I truly think you both need to attend a parenting course or find a family therapist.

Yes the wider family have scapegoated her. But I wouldn't really use that word. It's more like they've labelled her. I think that's a batter way to describe it. But she has been truly horrible to them. I can handle it. I am her mum. I will always forgive her and love her. They can't seem to do that.
They've always been closer to dd1 though in fairness. Dd2 is more like her Dh whereas dd1 is like them. According to them. No one is like me apparently. I was a bit of an enigma.

Better*

Hey lemondrizzle! -I for one don't think u r scapegoating her. Sounds like yr up against it with 'anything for an easy life dh who is actually doing the opposite! Plus ds who is switched on regarding manipluation (I think most kids are if have half the chance) Why not try talking to dh again even if u think its a waste of time? It's a shame rest of family aren't more supportive but maybe they'll come round in time. Try not to worry about that. Once it's all calmed down/sorted/better then they will be ok hopefully.

How is she getting on at school? Are there problems you are aware of not mentioned here?. I would make an appointment for both you and DH to go into school. Tell her about this, kids hate this kind of thing and it might just be enough to make her realise how seriously you are taking this.

She is very smart and quite manipulative. At the moment she is using dh against me because I am 'bad cop'. Unbeknown to him. He just can't see what she's doing. He's an absolute dick who I'm sure is revelling in being her number one. But all he is doing is making her behave worse. Or atleast not better and alienating her further. It's a vicious circle and I'm the only one who can see it.

I think you do need to be honest with yourself about your relationship with DH. On the one hand you say he's a "selfish knob who will do anything for an easy life" and on the other hand you say your relationship was fine before and it's all DD2's fault.

I think you 100% would benefit from family therapy and counselling. You have no family support and you're really up against it in your family, it sounds as if you grew up in a slightly toxic environment and you're really committed to stopping history from repeating itself.

DD2 is obviously suffering and if you can't solve it you certainly need to take her to a counsellor. You'd probably benefit from counselling too. Your anger and hostility towards DD2 is so clear in this thread that it must be clear to her too. It's great that you tell her you love her and it's just the behaviour you don't like but your attitude will speak louder than words and she's 100% going to have picked up on it. She will also have picked up on the tension between you and DH and that's bound to exacerbate things.

She's ok at school. She's always been very lazy and has had a few friendship problems in the past. She was violent with one of her friends in reception and again in y1. Nothing like that since. I was devastated 😐
She's behind most in the class as she isn't bothered. Dm was tutoring her an hour a week but that's obviously now stopped.
No behaviour problems now. Teacher said she was a lovely girl who was a pleasure to be around at last parents eve.

You and me both. My dh does it because he wants to be his friend so Im aware of the agenda there. Why are some men so thick they can't see what their doing?

Can you tell me some good things about DD2?

Something you like about her, something she is good at?

Anything which might be the tiny hook on which you can start changing how you interact with her?

'they're ' doing

I would start afresh stop giving so much negative attention and be much much more realistic with the grounding. You know grounding indefinitely is not going to work with a 9 year old so just give that up. Don't look for a day of good behaviour. Stop setting her up for failure then dwelling on said failure. Go for smaller lengths of time, positive reinforcement. Is there some responsibility she might enjoy that you could give her. (A pet she could be more responsible for - feeding) Any other way you could show her that you trust her. Is there a shop round the corner that she could go and pick something up for you from or something?

My just-10-year-old is like this. It is very difficult. She's hormonal early, clearly, but is 2 years early to cope with it. We had a huge barney today.

It isn't all bad tick she's v street smart. She's very grown up in the way she thinks. V logical and is amazing at finding things that no one else can. She loves dancing and singing and putting on shows. She loves to watch films snuggled up in bed and play ancient board games from my childhood. She really is lovely to be around half of the time. She seems to have two very different strong personalities (not suggesting split personality!)