Inheritance angst - shocked & angry

[hoopyloopy2]

MIL died like last year and we are just getting to grips now with the details of her estate. FIL died 13 years ago.

To cut a long story short, it’s emerged that she gave a very large amount of money (hundreds of thousands of pounds) to BIL a few years’ ago after he divorced and to enable him to start his own business. DH and I have never received money from his parents - in fact we didn’t even know she had that kind of money.

It’s become clear that DH’s other brother has also received financial support over the years but nowhere near the same level. DH is certainly not more financial comfortable than the other two now or in the past - so there’s no logic as to why he/we were overlooked. Their mum did play favourites over the years, but there was no rift or issue (that we know of) that would explain why she should have skewed things in such an extreme way.

DH has confronted BIL after working all this out by going through years of bank accounts. BIL says it was a loan that he was intending to pay back at some point, but he hasn’t. Issue now is whether this is taken into account when dividing up the estate, DH & I think it should be as amounts to 2/3rds of her savings. MIL did not suggest it should be in her will. But it is SUCH a significant amount of money. BIL is embarrassed & defensive at being found out, and is implying DH is being nosey by going through their mum’s bank accounts in detail - ridiculously.

To put things in context, DH and I are in a financially unstable situation now. He isn’t working after being made redundant several months ago, for the 3rd time in a few years, all very stressful & difficult. I work but we cannot survive on my salary alone. DH has become disillusioned with his line of work and would dearly love the kind of financial support that BIL was given to make choices -ie start his own business or make a career change. We would never have dreamt of asking his mum to bail us out while she was alive though. But it seems BIL had no such qualms - this has shocked us both.

So are we BU to ask for this large payment to BIL to be recognised in how the estate is now divvied up? Ie that he gets a lot less as a result. I know their mum was entitled to spend her money as she liked, so there is no legal case here. I am worried that asking will cause major upsets & divisions but at the same time, it feels profoundly unfair & will fester with DH (and me) if we just let this go.

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess I think the ones telling the op it was none of her business, her DH should put up and shut up, mentioning the large sum his brother had pocketed was uncouth etc. are probably people who tap their own parents for large or regular never to be paid back loans and are relying on their siblings being too British to mention it so that they can receive as much inheritance as they can get away with (possibly intending to employ the phrase "it's what they would have wanted" without evidence that this is true, in order to profit as much as possible)

Glad you've reached some kind of agreement OP. One thing I don't think the 'it's MIL's money to give to whe she wants' brigade have considered is that FIL's wishes may not have been taken into account. He may well have wanted HIS estate fairly divided among his children after his wife's death and she may not have been respecting his wishes. While there may not be any legal obligation to do that, I think there is a moral obligation. Like those stepparents who inherit everything from a spouse including previous family inheritance and then disinherit their stepchildren in favour of their own children. While this is legal, it is morally abhorrent.

I hope your situation improves OP. Good luck.

I wonder if the other brother paid back what he owed

@Wheresthebeach as a vicar, how did he justify that behaviour to himself and others??

The same thing has just happened to my daughter s partner his mum gave he a few years ago £5000 for a car she died last year the house has just been sold the person dealing with the will told him he would get £5000 less than the rest, but his brother, and 3 stepbrothers gave him money to make up the £5000

YABVU. I understand it will be annoying to you, especially when you are in hardship yourself. However, how she chose to spend her money when alive is entirely up to her and no, money shes given out for whatever reason when alive should not be taken into account for estate.

I am the one who's received financial help from parents in my family. I intend to repay it; but if I don't, on the event of the dissolution of my parents' estate I will of course take it into account that I should get that amount 'less' than my siblings.

Because I'm not a cunt.

Omg the vicar one! We were also totally screwed over by devout Christians (not family members) we agreed to rent from them in between house moves signed tenancy agreement paid deposit they pulled out the DAY before we were to move in leaving us temporarily homeless with a baby and all our worldly goods in removal lorries. Never rely on the fact people are religious as a sign they are decent - learned that the hard way!

money shes given out for whatever reason when alive should not be taken into account for estate.

Sorry but this is bollocks.

If it was a loan then its not BiLs money - he would have owed the money to the estate.

If it was a gift then - unless the money was given more than 7 years ago - it is also liable to inheritance tax.

The executor has to establish which is the case.

@MsTSwift I hope you got your deposit back!!

Why are people still adding YABU or YANBU? Its an OLD THREAD FFS. Why don't people read before commenting? Its not helpful

For what it's worth OP, I don't think you were being grabby with that sum of money. I am close to my siblings and if I were loaned that kind of money (couple of hundred thousands id wonder which bank my parents robbed - I would absolutely take this out of my share. Sorry it wasn't the nicest outcome

Thanks for coming back op

@jingsmahbucket
I didn't discuss it with anyone but my DH, and we're in different countries so it was easy for him to avoid it all. TBH my SIL handles all the money, and he has no sight of anything - he just signs where he's told to. She says she 'followed the will'...which is probably true. But by refusing to provide any documentation its impossible to tell. Any requests are met with 'how can you not trust us', 'we've got too much to deal with to deal with this' etc etc. All emotion and tears and declarations of undying love and how awful I am to want to see paperwork.

In the end...I just walked away from it all. They still act like all is okay and post endless 'missing you' type crap on Facebook. I'm now at the stage of just shaking my head, and have appointed friends as our executors so this can't happen to my kids (DD and Steps).

My mil paid for private schooling for dn when she was alive. For various reasons, (not least that we didn't want to go down that route) she didn't for our dc. Nothing was mentioned about it in her will but sil insisted on "paying it back" to the estate when mil died. Dh didn't ask or expect it, but she's a decent nice and FAIR person, so she did.

You can't do anything about it. It's pure favouritism which is hurtful. MIL has gifted well over 6 figures to SIL over the years. She doesn't mention it anymore to her sons because they have voiced their disapproval & resentment but it's obvious that she still makes significant cash gifts to her youngest child. DH doesn't want to know anymore because he doesn't want it confirmed/in his face. BIL has challenged MIL to change her will to take account of these lifetime gifts but we all suspect that it's unlikely to happen. The sibling relationship is already damaged because SIL is too selfish to consider her 2 siblings' feelings. They have all had rows in the past with regard to past events and it all simmers under the surface at family gatherings which are few and far between.

It is what it is. I would definitely keep out of it. It wouldn't surprise me if MIL actually favoured the golden child in her will. If the estate was divided equally, I'm pretty sure that it would not take account of the £100K+ gifted to SIL alone in the last 5 yrs. DH would be resigned to it - he certainly wouldn't challenge it. Tbh, it's way too late, the favouritism over the years has already damaged the sibling relationship & MIL is nowhere near her deathbed!

@sansou

BIL has challenged MIL to change her will to take account of these lifetime gifts

She's a grown woman who's made a decision on how to spend her money.

The brothers can think it's wrong/unfair all they want, but being so disgruntled by an assumed monetary loss, that you'd challenge your still-living mother to change her will?! That's pretty low.

Bil is obviously a lot more bitter about the favouritism than DH is.
It’s never black and white though is it?

MIL gave him (BIL) a lump sum to help him start a business. All the siblings knew and no-one objected since it was hardly a frivolous cause. BIL paid back the sum within a year, under pressure from his mother. A few months later, all hell broke loose when MIL gifted a huge sum of money (about 5x the amount that BIL had) to SIL so that she could buy a mortgage free property and stating that she wasn’t in a position to give her remaining DC anything. It was clear that SIL wasn’t expected to pay back the sum and SIL clearly had no intention to.

Let’s just say that BIL and DH bonded over is injustice. It reallly opened up their eyes to how selfish and entitled their youngest sibling was and how much their own mother enabled that behaviour. It is what it is.

Low contact is how DH deals with it. Mil blames BIL’s distance on his wife (convenient scapegoat) because she cannot acknowledge that her actions hurt her sons (despite them telling her to her face!)

The lesson is that you can’t control other people’s actions - you can only control your own reactions!

Money doesn’t equal love. Yes, and ultimately, we all know that it’s never really about the money but the feelings that it represents/symbolises.

Usually espoused by those who have never experienced a lifetime of favouritism which range from small things in isolation to quite major, in your face rejection which is hard not to acknowledge and gloss over in the name of convivial family relations.

Follow the will.

Well now is his chance to pay it back then isn’t it! Otherwise you’ll never see that money. This happened ito my mum when her mother died. Found out brother had “borrowed “ a big sun of money but he still expected his share of the inheritance.. They compromised and he was given half, and he agreed to pay back the rest . He never did and neither will your BIL.

Ffs at some of these posts.

The only one who was uncouth in this scenario was the son who trousered all that money and hoped that his siblings would never find out about it. And then went on to take his full share of what was left in the will.

So sorry it ended as you feared, OP.