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Original poster

Inheritance angst - shocked & angry

572 replies

hoopyloopy2 · 29/04/2018 13:43

MIL died like last year and we are just getting to grips now with the details of her estate. FIL died 13 years ago.

To cut a long story short, it’s emerged that she gave a very large amount of money (hundreds of thousands of pounds) to BIL a few years’ ago after he divorced and to enable him to start his own business. DH and I have never received money from his parents - in fact we didn’t even know she had that kind of money.

It’s become clear that DH’s other brother has also received financial support over the years but nowhere near the same level. DH is certainly not more financial comfortable than the other two now or in the past - so there’s no logic as to why he/we were overlooked. Their mum did play favourites over the years, but there was no rift or issue (that we know of) that would explain why she should have skewed things in such an extreme way.

DH has confronted BIL after working all this out by going through years of bank accounts. BIL says it was a loan that he was intending to pay back at some point, but he hasn’t. Issue now is whether this is taken into account when dividing up the estate, DH & I think it should be as amounts to 2/3rds of her savings. MIL did not suggest it should be in her will. But it is SUCH a significant amount of money. BIL is embarrassed & defensive at being found out, and is implying DH is being nosey by going through their mum’s bank accounts in detail - ridiculously.

To put things in context, DH and I are in a financially unstable situation now. He isn’t working after being made redundant several months ago, for the 3rd time in a few years, all very stressful & difficult. I work but we cannot survive on my salary alone. DH has become disillusioned with his line of work and would dearly love the kind of financial support that BIL was given to make choices -ie start his own business or make a career change. We would never have dreamt of asking his mum to bail us out while she was alive though. But it seems BIL had no such qualms - this has shocked us both.

So are we BU to ask for this large payment to BIL to be recognised in how the estate is now divvied up? Ie that he gets a lot less as a result. I know their mum was entitled to spend her money as she liked, so there is no legal case here. I am worried that asking will cause major upsets & divisions but at the same time, it feels profoundly unfair & will fester with DH (and me) if we just let this go.

OP posts:
Myimaginarycathasfleas · 14/02/2019 09:31

Thanks for the update, OP. I remember your thread. I hope whatever your DH received from his DM’s estate has put you in a better financial position than you posted at the time.

LagunaBubbles · 14/02/2019 09:34

You're about to cause a massive family rift for the sake of a few pounds

Bunty it was 100s of 1000s...are you the Queen??

notapizzaeater · 14/02/2019 09:35

Glad it's sorted but don't think the brothers will ever be able to rebuild their relationship. 😢

opinionatedfreak · 14/02/2019 09:48

Thanks for the update OP.

You have my sympathies as a similar situation is unfolding in my own family.

If feeling hurt and upset and enthusiasm for equality when a sibling has been treated preferentially makes you a bad person my brother and I are bad people.

My sister has benefited disproportionately from a number of family members in life. We have had another bereavement and if she doesn't act honourably and agree a deed of variation then I really think that our close relationship cannot survive. My brother feels similarly.

Onceuponacheesecake · 14/02/2019 09:48

Thanks for coming back op. I could almost see that coming, doesn't surprise me at all. What a shame

eastwestnorth · 14/02/2019 09:53

Sadly people like BIL aren't going to suffer from a guilty conscience, or care very much about family rifts.
If they had a conscience they wouldn't behave as they do. They care for no-one but themselves.

Confusedbeetle · 14/02/2019 09:58

No, I am sorry you can't do this. She gave the money of her own free will and did not make a change to her will to balance this out so legally you have no redress. Neither is it any of your business actually. If he wanted to pay some money back into the estate that would be hi choice but you cannot ask for it

Drum2018 · 14/02/2019 10:00

Similar happened with Dh family but MIL saw the other sibling for who he was before she died and changed her will to leave him less. She had financially supported other sibling into his 40's and when he filled out revenue form asking about previous gifts he put Nil! His greed and financial abuse of MIL did him no favours in the end. Dh hasn't spoken to him in years. Hope you and Dh can move past this now as it leaves a bitter taste in ones mouth when trying to deal with the loss of a parent at the same time.

Folf · 14/02/2019 10:09

if there is a precedent or oral agreement.

My mother has quite a large sum in savings, she has loaned my brother quite a significant amount so far and made it clear that if she dies before he pays it back, we have to divide whats left accordingly.. IE I immediately get the equivalent of what he has yet to pay back, then we divide what is left equally.

(ie, if there is 40k, and he borrowed 25k, I get 25k then we split the remaining 15k)

If no such agreement is in place for you guys, then you have to abide by her will really.

2rach · 14/02/2019 10:13

I'm sorry to hear this OP. As someone on the other side and due to receive a substantial sum from my mother soon (and not my sister) I absolutely will receive this amount less when my parents die. My parents haven't changed their wills but there are texts/emails relating to it and there is no way I'd screw my sister over.

timeisnotaline · 14/02/2019 10:19

Thank you for coming back to update. I’m not surprised things look never to be the same between the brothers, I feel for you and your dh. What did 3rd brother do regarding his gifts/loan?

livingthegoodlife · 14/02/2019 10:19

You need to take legal advice. Get your lawyer to advice on the presumption against double portions. Simply put, if a person has received large gifts during the lifetime then their inheritance under the will abates. It does depend on the wording of the Will a lot, thus you need legal advice.

ADarkandStormyKnight · 14/02/2019 10:21

Glad you have come to some kind of resolution. For what its worth, I think your family were right to say something.

The lesson here would be to be very careful as a parent about giving any one child a huge loan or gift, and doing it without being open about it and without discussion.

Tighnabruaich · 14/02/2019 10:26

Thanks for coming back to update. BIL has damaged the sibling relationship with his greed and selfishness.

blueskiesovertheforest · 14/02/2019 10:27

Folf I hope you have that in writing, people have selective memories...

The most hurtful thing, as others have said, is unequal treatment which is impossible not to read as either the parent having a favourite or being played for a fool and exploited. Neither are easy to come back from and the damage is done when the parent treats their children differently without being open about why and how it will be rebalanced. Nobody is entitled to an inheritance but it's better to spend your last penny on cruises and caviar than to leave the financial message that you preferred one child/ or that you were exploited financially and effectively bled for money by one child.

RustyBear · 14/02/2019 10:33

Not sure why people are saying that it’s none of the OP’s DH’s business. If he’s an executor, he has a duty to make sure the estate is handled properly and to establish whether the money was a loan or gift, and if a gift, whether any IHT is due.

oh4forkssake · 14/02/2019 10:41

So sorry to read your update OP. A similar thing happened in our family. I'd like to give you hope that it can be sorted out but sadly, relationships have been irrevocably damaged.

Best of luck to you all in the future.

Melroses · 14/02/2019 10:41

Thanks for the update OP.

I don't think people intend for this to happen when they make their Will. We are told that making a Will sorts out all the difficulties and makes things easier for those left behind. But sometimes it just doesn't happen that way.

A Will is only a part of wider financial planning. You have to look at the whole picture and so many people fail to do this.

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 14/02/2019 10:57

Thanks for updating.
To all those people who said YWBU to want this to be sorted out fairly, and that you should just suck it up, having no business to be concerned about what mil did with her money before she died, I'd ask this:

Would you treat your own children in this way? If you had an estate likely to be worth, say, 500K, would you agree that it was OK to give one child 400 of it (in effect) and the other just 100? And not expect one of your kids to be a bit Shock about it?

GenericHamster · 14/02/2019 10:57

Thanks for updating OP. How did your family get on with your own financial issues? I hope you have got through it ok.

INeedNewShoes · 14/02/2019 11:02

Thanks for updating the thread OP.

FWIW, I'm one of three siblings and I and my sister have received money/loans that my brother has not. I don't know whether it's covered in their will (having read this thread I will tell them to make sure it is) but I will absolutely be deducting what I have received from any inheritance that might be left to ensure my brother gets his fair share.

I cannot see how your DH could be expected to overlook this large amount and move on.

I do think MIL was perhaps short sighted to make your DH an executor without discussing this issue with him. At the very least it was bound to cause some level of upset.

TedAndLola · 14/02/2019 11:02

I'm kind of glad my mum had no money when she passed, none of this shit. My dad may have a little left of his pension but it won't be worth fighting over. Hate how this does this to families.
Don't count on it. My nan's £4000 "estate" broke up the entire family because of certain grasping twats.

I feel so sorry for the OP's MIL and anyone else treated like a cash cow by her own children while alive or dead.

ADarkandStormyKnight · 14/02/2019 11:04

Would you treat your own children in this way? If you had an estate likely to be worth, say, 500K, would you agree that it was OK to give one child 400 of it (in effect) and the other just 100? And not expect one of your kids to be a bit shock about it?

And not only that but to expect what's left to be split equally.

Melroses · 14/02/2019 11:06

Likewise, my Nan's 2K set in stone a pattern of splits that had gone through 4 generations. Sad

Magicstar1 · 14/02/2019 11:09

That's such a shame OP, but at least it's coming to an end now.
My parents gave DH and I some money when buying our house. I know they intend to do the same for my brother, but there's no sign of him buying yet, and he doesn't know about the money. If God forbid, anything happened to them, I'd make sure to let him know and make everything even.

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