Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Inheritance angst - shocked & angry

572 replies

hoopyloopy2 · 29/04/2018 13:43

MIL died like last year and we are just getting to grips now with the details of her estate. FIL died 13 years ago.

To cut a long story short, it’s emerged that she gave a very large amount of money (hundreds of thousands of pounds) to BIL a few years’ ago after he divorced and to enable him to start his own business. DH and I have never received money from his parents - in fact we didn’t even know she had that kind of money.

It’s become clear that DH’s other brother has also received financial support over the years but nowhere near the same level. DH is certainly not more financial comfortable than the other two now or in the past - so there’s no logic as to why he/we were overlooked. Their mum did play favourites over the years, but there was no rift or issue (that we know of) that would explain why she should have skewed things in such an extreme way.

DH has confronted BIL after working all this out by going through years of bank accounts. BIL says it was a loan that he was intending to pay back at some point, but he hasn’t. Issue now is whether this is taken into account when dividing up the estate, DH & I think it should be as amounts to 2/3rds of her savings. MIL did not suggest it should be in her will. But it is SUCH a significant amount of money. BIL is embarrassed & defensive at being found out, and is implying DH is being nosey by going through their mum’s bank accounts in detail - ridiculously.

To put things in context, DH and I are in a financially unstable situation now. He isn’t working after being made redundant several months ago, for the 3rd time in a few years, all very stressful & difficult. I work but we cannot survive on my salary alone. DH has become disillusioned with his line of work and would dearly love the kind of financial support that BIL was given to make choices -ie start his own business or make a career change. We would never have dreamt of asking his mum to bail us out while she was alive though. But it seems BIL had no such qualms - this has shocked us both.

So are we BU to ask for this large payment to BIL to be recognised in how the estate is now divvied up? Ie that he gets a lot less as a result. I know their mum was entitled to spend her money as she liked, so there is no legal case here. I am worried that asking will cause major upsets & divisions but at the same time, it feels profoundly unfair & will fester with DH (and me) if we just let this go.

OP posts:
Tinkobell · 14/02/2019 08:25

Glad it's sorted Hoopy. We have this situation right now in our family. We looked at how old the original will was - ours was 21 years old and had been written and not reviewed. In the following years our MIL made massive loans to a BIL that were not paid back. Under pressure, the BIL agreed to complete a HMRC variation of will document which basically waived his right to a share of the remaining estate. So it can be done.

vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 14/02/2019 08:37

The lesson to take away from this is to always treat your children equally.

Always. Or this sort of shit happens.

Glad you are at the end of it. Grim business.

diddl · 14/02/2019 08:40

" Under pressure, the BIL agreed to complete a HMRC variation of will document"

You'd hope that pressure wouldn't be needed, wouldn't you?

In some ways it is only money & you don't miss what you've never had & inheritances shouldn't be relied on etc etc,

But it's hard not to think that that person was thought more of than you.

Catamaran1 · 14/02/2019 08:41

Thanks for updating op. Did the BIL take more money from the estate? I hope not.

MsTSwift · 14/02/2019 08:41

It is possible to include in the will provisions taking into account large loans to one child so their share is reduced by the amount outstanding on the loan. It’s what decent parents do.

HopeIsNotAStrategy · 14/02/2019 08:43

While you’re going through the bank accounts, see if there are any payments from your BIL to MIL after the date the loan was made. Repayments are indicative that the money was a loan.

Engage with both the brothers - the one who’s had less will also be adversely affected and may help to encourage the third brother to do the right thing.

Definitely seek legal advice.

HopeIsNotAStrategy · 14/02/2019 08:44

Sorry, see this has moved on. Oh for an edit/ delete function!

Thesuzle · 14/02/2019 08:46

Goodness, ! What a pickle, I would pay them out less or even nothing if the balance left does not provide enough to put your Dh on an even footing.
Yes it was her money, but I seriously doubt it was solely her choice, people do get coerced you know, seen it in my own family..
I presume all the sons are equal executors ??

YetAnotherSpartacus · 14/02/2019 08:48

I'm sorry that BIL was so selfish and arsey OP. Honestly, I don't know how some people can sleep at night. If I was your DH I'd have no problems cutting him out of my life entirely.

I also don't understand how parents can show such blatant unfairness.

iano · 14/02/2019 08:49

Op you need legal advice. Is there a solicitor assisting in the estate administration? Tell them bil has told you the funds were a loan which remains outstanding.
You've had some very bad advice on here.
Don't use Aibu for free legal advice. Solicitors train for years for a reason. A bunch of random strangers on the internet are not a good resource!

billysboy · 14/02/2019 08:54

You never really know someone until you have shared an inheritance with them !

eddielizzard · 14/02/2019 08:57

That's just awful. So sorry it turned out like this. What a shame.

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/02/2019 09:01

Thanks for coming back hoopy. I’m sorry your bil has turned into an arse. How painful for your family.

CatandtheFiddle · 14/02/2019 09:09

BIL reneged on his his statement that it was a loan, as we half-expected and didn’t want to ‘pay it back’ when it came to dividing up the remaining estate. They came to a financial compromise in the end after lots of painful emails and it’s been complicated working out the tax implications. So much damage done to the sibling relationships I am not sure they can survive it, due to BIL’s dishonesty

Thanks for updating OP - and I'm one of those (in the minority, it seems) who thinks that your BiL's and your MiL's behaviour was hurtful, unfair, and your BiL, borderline dishonest. I'm glad you sorted something out, and I hope that slowly, sibling relationships can recover.

The thing is that in many families, money is more than money - it's symbolic. It symbolises love, approval, care ...

If your DH's mother was giving substantial sums of money to one son, and not another, when there was equal need (or lack of need) in both, then that sends a painful message to your DH - that he is not seen, or cared for. That can hurt deeply.

Whether we like it or not, money is essential for living in this world - and so what money can do can make lives easier or more pleasant. For a parent to favour one child so much over others is inexplicable to me, given what money can do and what it then symbolises.

Wheresthebeach · 14/02/2019 09:09

Hi OP - Glad it got sorted. I feel your pain. My brother got £30K that was suppose to be taken into account. All verbal of course. Then he was executor of the will when the time came....despite all rules and regulations I've never seen any of the documents about my Dad's estate. He just refused to give them to me.

I've walked away as the only option was court, which I can't be bothered with, but it's destroyed our relationship because he behaved so selfishly.

And he's a vicar!

Yulebealrite · 14/02/2019 09:09

Thanks fir coming back. I hope bil feels that the money was worth losing his brother over. What a shame for your dh.

FeedMeBooks · 14/02/2019 09:12

Our family had a similar situation so I empathise.
I think people should take on board that it is wise to document when giving money whether it is a loan or a gift. Even if it's just an email saying I've had a windfall, have £xxxk as a gift to set up that business you've always dreamt.

zod1ac19 · 14/02/2019 09:12

Thanks for the update OP.

Sounds like it has been very difficult. How is the other BIL viewing things?

LilaJude · 14/02/2019 09:17

Worth speaking to a solicitor as there may actually be a legal case - in Scotland the law provides for large amounts of money given while the testator was alive to be factored into the division of the estate. I don’t know what the position is in England but I would speak to a solicitor.

eastwestnorth · 14/02/2019 09:17

Glad to see an update.
I would never speak to BIL again. Appalling behaviour. But MIL caused the issue in the first place by favouring one son to such a huge degree, and secretly.
As others have said, it's a slap in the face emotionally as well as financially.
I have friends with enough money to help their children out with house deposits etc. They are scrupulously fair, which is the only way to avoid this sad situation.

LilaJude · 14/02/2019 09:18

Sorry, should have RTFT. Sorry it’s caused such a rift Sad that must be hard for everyone

ittakes2 · 14/02/2019 09:20

These things are always so sad - I'm guessing his mother would be devastated to know that her children are falling out over her money.
Honestly, I get why you are upset - but there is a common pattern with these things - we need the money and we have discovered another child got more and we are hoping they will do the right thing and give us some. Unfortunately, it might not seem fair but his mother is an adult and can choose to do with her money what she wanted. If she was concerned she would have made it clear to others in the family about the loan and how her son/the brother needed to pay it back.

Somewhereovertheroad · 14/02/2019 09:25

Thanks for updating @hoopyloopy2 I remember this thread. Thanks

slcol · 14/02/2019 09:28

This has shown you something very unpleasant about your BiL. Which is very sad for your husband, but is a valuable lesson I guess.

Grumbling · 14/02/2019 09:30

Thanks for updating OP. Your BIL will have to live with what he has done in terms of right and wrong and also in terms of the damage he has done to his family relationships. I’m glad it is all nearly resolved for your sake and I hope your dh has had some luck getting his career back on track.